“My fourteen year old daughter was arrested for shoplifting make-up this week,” said Marie, a working mother of two girls. “Is this just normal teen behavior, or is it something more serious? She’s grounded for a month and I’ve taken away her iPod and computer privileges, but to tell the truth, I’m still in shock. I’m furious and I don’t even know how to talk to her about what she did.”
No matter what parents you have, no matter what mental health diagnosis, no matter what stage you’re in, it’s wrong to steal because it hurts others.
Many parents have asked me over the years, “Is shoplifting a candy bar or cosmetics or clothes the same as stealing?” The truth is, stealing is stealing. It’s criminal, antisocial and worst of all, it corrodes a child’s development, character and integrity through the use of justifications and excuses. However, shoplifting candy bars from a store and stealing with aggression are two very different acts.
Stealing is wrong, and the best way to understand it is to examine your child’s thinking. Kids who steal often feel entitled to what they’re stealing, even though they or their parents can’t afford it. There is a fierce sense of competitiveness amongst teens and pre-teens these days regarding having the cool stuff, wearing the hip clothes, and sporting hot make-up or accessories. Many kids will resort to stealing as a response to this phenomenon. Sometimes kids even steal for the sense of excitement it gives them, or do it under peer pressure. A big part of the problem is that our society’s message is completely absent of a strongly objective morality. In most movies and songs today, the bad guys do good things and the good guys do bad things, and everybody looks the same. So kids justify what they’re doing. It’s not surprising when kids develop these ambivalent feelings about integrity, character and the difference between right and wrong.
The “Five Finger Discount”—What’s Behind a Child’s Thinking When He Shoplifts?
A child’s thinking behind this type of behavior is that “No one will get hurt and the store has a lot of money.” They rationalize that they need to have this stuff in order to be accepted. They might say, “My parents won’t allow me to buy clothing or makeup like this, so I have to steal it.” But remember this: It’s our job as parents, teachers and therapists to strongly defend the concept that stealing is wrong. Tell your children this: “Stealing is wrong for two reasons: It’s illegal and puts you at risk of being arrested and prosecuted. It’s also hurtful because when you take something that doesn’t belong to you, somewhere, someone down the line is being hurt.” Make it real to your child by explaining that if they shoplift cosmetics or video games, the company adjusts its price upwards to insulate itself, and all the rest of us pay a little more for it because of it.
If your child is caught stealing, in all cases, there needs to be meaningful consequences for the behavior. To you as a parent, the most important aspect of your child's decision to steal is the way of thinking that preceded the stealing. She should pay whatever the consequences are for stealing, and also write an essay on how she justified it. Ask her, “What were you thinking before you stole this?” Remember this: It is in the examination of the justifications and excuses where the true learning will take place.
Certainly consequences like making her take the stolen item back to the store, apologizing and making financial amends are all very good parts of the equation. That kind of accountability can be very productive in deterring future stealing, if accompanied by an examination of the faulty thinking which drove them to do it. You also might give them the consequence of, “You can’t go to the mall for two weeks. Two weeks of no stealing.” If parents ask me, “How do I know?” I say “Don’t worry about it. They need to get another chance. You’re not there to be a cop.” Always give them the chance to earn your trust back.
Stealing with Aggression: A Whole Different Mindset
“Aggression” means a “threat of harm or violence or the use of harm or violence.” Some kids have gotten to a level of stealing where they are willing to physically assault someone else to take what they want. When dealing with stealing with aggression, the focus has to be on very strong consequences to deter future behavior, as well as a very focused examination of the thoughts, not the feelings, the thoughts which underlie this type of behavior. When people steal with aggression, they're clearly saying, “I want that bad enough that I’ll hurt you if you don’t give it to me,” which is very different than a shoplifter who says, “This won’t hurt the company, they have a lot of money.” It’s a very different mindset and has to be addressed with vigor.
Let me be clear: Stealing with aggression is hardcore antisocial behavior. When you deal with individuals who exhibit criminal behavior, you’ll often find that one-on-one, they can be very charming, pleasant, and intelligent. Many criminals have advanced social manipulative skills. The difference between a criminal and a non-criminal is that the criminal is willing to use violence and aggression to get what he wants, while the non-criminal has very strong boundaries in those areas. So when children are willing to use violence and aggression to get their way, it can be a key indicator that they are quite far down the wrong path. Of course there are always isolated incidents where kids will threaten other kids to get their way. Adolescent bravado can sometimes lead to threats. The astute adult has to ferret out which is which. But make no mistake, if your child is using threats of violence and aggression to steal, he has to be dealt with very sternly. Again, it is very difficult to counteract the media forces in our society which constantly advocate aggression and violence as legitimate means to solve problems. Our media promotes the idea that if you want or need something bad enough and you have a good excuse-making system in place, you can justify anything. And you can use aggression and violence to achieve your end.
So here’s the message kids are getting: “If you can justify it, then it’s OK to do it.” And we all know that kids can justify anything. So society has to react very strongly to aggression and threats involving stealing or anything else. I mean, look around you. Look at all the violence and aggression, senseless killing. Now think about this: in the minds of the kids who are committing that violence they believe it’s the OK thing to do. If you look beneath the violence, to the thinking patterns, it’s very scary. That’s why you see situations like Columbine and Virginia Tech, where kids commit horrible violence on other kids and justify it because they perceive themselves as victims. Stealing is wrong and hurtful. But stealing with aggression and violence is much more problematic and needs to be dealt with aggressively.
If Your Child is Stealing within the Family, Everyone is Paying the Price
It’s common to hear that kids steal from their family members. Younger kids after all don’t have the level of moral development that leads to them understanding that this type of stealing is wrong and hurtful. This has to be taught with patience and firmness. Stealing within the family should have the same consequences as stealing from a store, whether it’s from a sibling or a parent. Labeling, yelling and name-calling does not change the behavior. Discussions about the rights of others and respect for other’s property, followed by a consequence the child must carry out, are the preferred ways of dealing with theft in the family.
For young children, a consequence might be that they go to their room with the door open for 15 minutes, at the end of which time you come in and talk with them about stealing. Focus on the child realizing he was wrong, instead of just saying he is sorry. As kids get older, other consequences come into play, like paying rent for the stolen property, paying back the stolen money, and loss of social privileges. Tell them you’re taking away their privileges because you’re not sure they can be trusted outside of the house. Don’t forget that if someone is unsafe or untrustworthy in the house, there should be real concern about what kind of trouble they might get into outside of the house where there is even less structure.
Volume and frequency of the stealing are also important to address. If a pre-adolescent or adolescent steals a large amount of money, which is measured compared to what the family has, the police should be called and you should be starting the legal process. This is designed to hold that child legally responsible, not only family-responsible. The assumption here is that you've tried all you can within the family and it’s not working, and that now the police have to get involved. Stealing is a crime. These acts should be looked at as criminal acts more than as mental health problems. While mental health issues may be involved, adults who have mental health problems are punished for stealing just like adults without mental health problems. Prisons and correctional institutions are full of people with mental health problems who also stole. They're not in jail for mental health problems, they’re in jail for stealing.
If there’s a high frequency of theft, or stealing for no apparent reason or the hoarding of food, that can indicate deeper psychological forces at play. These kids need to be assessed to see if there’s a therapeutic response to their behavior. But make no bones about it, they also need to be held accountable in the home as well as outside of the home for their antisocial behavior.
Although stealing may be a symptom of a larger problem, it is still stealing. The lesson about not stealing has to be reinforced and the child has to be held accountable. We can’t make excuses about antisocial and harmful behavior even when it occurs in the home. Remember, you’re trying to produce a person who can function safely and productively in adult society. Excusing stealing will not produce that person. Sometimes parents minimize this behavior and it comes back to hurt them later on.
When Your Trust is Betrayed: How to let Your Child Earn it Back
The sense of betrayal that parents feel after their child has stolen from them is very real and should be addressed openly. If it’s a younger child, certainly the emotion should be screened out of it, and your child should be taught about trust. The way you’d explain trust to a younger child is by saying, “Stealing is hurtful and if somebody trusts you, it’s important not to hurt them.” Explain that trust is really a word we use for depending upon other people to do certain things or to not do certain things. The stronger that our belief is that they won’t hurt us, the deeper the sense of violation is. As kids get older and become teens, I think that their loyalties and allegiances are torn between the values of their peer group and the values of their family. Very often there’s a contradiction between the two. This contradiction needs to be tolerated by parents to a certain degree because the teenager’s developmental role is to become an individual. And one of the ways that teens do that is by pushing their parents away and by rebelling against family norms and values. A certain amount of rebelliousness should be tolerated. Nonetheless, a teenager stealing from parents is not an act of rebelliousness. It’s a violation of trust and it’s the commission of a petty crime in an arena where the teen doesn’t feel there will be severe consequences.
If there are several acts of stealing, they should be dealt with sternly in the family, using the behavioral concepts that I mentioned earlier. If there is major stealing of money and other valuables, the parents should consider involving the police and pressing charges. Although this seems harsh, the principles behind it are easy to understand. If a teen is stealing from you because he perceives you as being weak and if family consequences aren’t helping with that, the family needs to seek outside help in order to strengthen itself. Secondly, and this is very important, if kids get away with stealing valuables from home, they’re going to develop a value system which allows for stealing any time the person can justify it. When I have gone to youth detention centers to talk to the teens I was working with about the crimes that got them there, they invariably had a justification for it. That type of justification, or what we call an “alibi system,” is developed and reinforced at home. In short, teens develop a way of thinking to justify their teenage behavior. They develop an alibi for everything. Once that alibi system becomes criminalized, you’ll see an increase in the amount of antisocial behavior such as stealing, drug use, and sometimes aggression. Parents who insulate kids from the consequences of their behavior are only extending, supporting and reinforcing the bad judgments that lead to those behaviors.
The way trust is won back: for younger kids, they should be told what to do in order for the family to feel like they trust them again. “Don’t take your brother’s things so I can trust you to be upstairs alone. If you steal something from your older brother, you can’t go upstairs unsupervised.” Make the child uncomfortable. Consequences make them uncomfortable. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink—but you can make them thirsty. Consequences are designed to make the child thirsty.
In addition, positive statements about trust should be made frequently with younger kids. “When you handle it that way, I know I can trust you.” Model the values you want your younger kids to have and identify them. Make statements like, “It’s good when you tell me the truth. I know I can trust you downstairs with the TV. I know I can trust you to go into my bedroom.” The more we say statements like that, that you see what your child is doing, or you hear what they’re saying, the more real it makes them feel. With older kids who steal, it’s important to say, “You’ve lost my trust, and therefore you can’t go upstairs alone. I don’t think I’m going to be able to trust you around money again. So I’m going to close my bedroom door and you can’t go in anymore.” There are parents who put locks on their doors, and I think kids should pay for those locks. But always give them a means to earn that trust back, either in that conversation or a subsequent one.
Is Your Child Stealing Chronically?
If a kid steals chronically, earning a parent’s trust back is the least of his problems. Because he’s already developing an alibi system that says it’s OK to hurt the people you love. There are plenty of parents who don’t trust their kids around their money and valuables. In today’s society, parents are second class citizens and there’s almost a societal expectation that their kids will abuse them and that they should take it, and that’s just crazy. That expectation is expressed in justifications like, “All kids steal, all kids lie, kids sometimes lose their temper.” But certainly all kids don’t lie or steal to the same degree, nor do all kids verbally abuse their parents and break things in the home. And when they do, they need to be held strictly accountable.
Right and Wrong: There is a Difference
I truly empathize with what parents are up against these days. The concept of right and wrong has taken a real beating in our recent history. It’s been replaced by the concepts of “consumerism” and “possessiveness.” Therefore, when you tell kids it is wrong to steal, they have limited formal moral and ethical training to use as a reference point, and whatever moral and ethical training they have is easily drowned out by the media, which screams at them constantly. And there’s too much excuse-making for kids’ behavior. Adults say “It’s only a stage he’s going through.” Or he has ADD. Or his father is an alcoholic. And they keep making those excuses until the kid is in serious trouble. Things like developmental stages or mental health diagnoses or family influences have to be dealt with as separate issues from the stealing or aggression. Do these issues need to be addressed? Of course they do. Are they significant? Absolutely. Should they be allowed to justify stealing or aggression? Never. No matter what parents you have, no matter what mental health diagnosis, no matter what stage you’re in, it’s wrong to steal because it hurts others.
That has to be black and white to everybody.
My son has been stealing from me for over two years. First it was my digital camera, a walkman, items from the house, coins, then a VERY signifcant amount of money. We didn't press charges; but put him into PINS. After months of therapy, lots of consequences, and losing the right to live in our house, he is still stealing from us. I do not know what to do.
Comment By : Overwhelmed Mom
This article came at such a good time. I have three teenage daughters and they all steele from me, their dad and eachother. From me and eachother it's things like clothes and makeup, from their dad it's video games or DVD's. Recently I found some cash missing. It was maybe $8 at most, but I was really upset that during a time I was struggling to put food on the table, my own kids would take the little bit of grocery money I had left. For me, I always treat the stealing seriously, but much of the time I have no idea who takes what is missing so I can't do much except publicly tell all the kids that I am very dissapointed, that taking what is not there's only hurts the family because it means I can not trust them, and we have less money and resources as a result. I have barred the girls from my bedroom, I have done backpoack searches when they leave the house, I have grounded, taken away their make-up and clothes, made them pay me back, etc. Nothing I have done seems to work. They keep doing it.
I always try to make them understand that stealing from me is the same as stealing from a store. I tell them that if they stole mascara from the drug store they would go to jail. It is no less of a crime to steal it from me. It's not about the material loss for me, it's that I can not trust my children. I don't know where me and their dad went wrong. We do not steal, we have always told them that stealing is wrong. I see many great suggestions from this article for what to do when you know who has stolen from you, but I don't know what to do when it is unclear who did the deed. I don't think punishing everyone is helpful. I want to trust my kids and often give them a clean slate, only for them to break that trust again and again.
I'd like to see more on multiple child stealing and trust issues.
Comment By : Wendy
Thank you James Leman for your input. It's so easy for a parent to get lost in their childs shocking behavior and what to do about it!
I finally had my son move out permanently at age 26 because he was bringing 'pot' onto my property & stealing small items from family members. He USED to steal more expensive things when he did harder drugs, but got the police involved, he stopped the drugs but recently went back on Pot:(
I told him he's not allowed on or around my property or I'll turn in the 'Bong' I found of his to the police! So far it's worked:) Now we need to work on rebuilding our brokendown relationship.
Comment By : Thankful parent of an adult child
Thank you for this informative article. We had a situation in which our daughter and 3 of her friends were accused of trying to shoplift at a local mall. I called the store and spoke to the manager to get the "other" side of the story. I was at a loss of what to think. This was the first time she had been allowed to go to the mall with out an adult staying with her and the first time with these friends. The other parents were angry at the mall personnel and refused to believe their daughters would do such a thing. Our daughter has a history of taking things of ours without asking and saying later that we just forgot we gave them to her. I am shocked at how naive these other parents are. Mall cops don't just chase down 13 year old girls and question them about stealing if they aren't doing something to make them suspicious. I think these other parents need to get a clue and wake up to reality. We discussed this with our daughter and explained the proper etiquette when shopping. We made it clear that whether or not they actually stole something they were doing something to draw unwanted attention and that they need to follow dressing room procedures or ask a clerk to explaing them if they were unsure. I am so sorry for these other girls. Their parents actions, openly accusing the mall cop of harressing their daughter, cussing in front of all of the girls and stating that the cop was unjustified for doing his job is such a horrible lesson to teach these young girls. No wonder society is so mess up. Now our daughter thinks we are awful parents because we doubted her story. But I'd rather be that than to encourage bad choices.
Comment By : Carol
Hi Wendy.
I very much understand your dilemma, and I must say there are no easy answers. What's happened is that your kids have developed a type of subculture within your family, in which stealing, lying and cheating are OK. Your values don't mean anything to them. So all the speeches about morality and right and wrong fall on deaf ears. That doesn't mean you shouldn't continue to teach them the proper values and behavior. It just means don't expect results right now. Many kids don't start applying what we've taught them until later in life, usually after they get into trouble. Your kids have developed their own values, obviously negative, self-centered and selfish, which they use to justify their behavior. This is not uncommon. You see it often in high schools where kids gravitate towards groups which don't expect anything positive from them. Druggies, drop-outs and thieves don't care what your grades are or if you respect your family: they have their own values or "code."
Let me give you some feedback. First, don't waste time beating yourself up about where it came from or how it evolved. If you and your husband have been basically honest people, that's great. It sounds like you're putting up a good fight! There are so many things influencing our youth nowadays and distracting them from the real job of growing up responsibly. Second, if you can't influence their values directly you can still hold them accountable for their behavior. Remember, if kids don't follow our lead, it doesn't mean we surrender. They're still responsible. If you're not sure who did it, and they're all stealing from you, hold them all accountable. You and your husband need to come up with a general consequence, like taking away something from everyone, unless some one comes clean. Again, the goal is not to change behavior, which would be nice, but to maintain expectations for a certain level of behavior in your family, whether they follow it or not.
Of course, if you determine one of the kids has stolen something, you should hold them individually responsible, and don't forget to do an Alternative Response with them. Over time, those tools produce change. But, again, it might not be in our time. I wish you all the luck in the world. james
Comment By : james lehman
This was a very helpful and timely article for me. My 14 year old son recently received a 5-day suspension from school after he and 2 of his friends came upon a vending machine at school that wasn't locked properly and decided to open the machine and help themselves. The security cameras caught everything. I was absolutely devastated that my son would do this, but after reading your article, I'm actually sort of patting myself on the back for doing things right (for once). We emphasized with him how this hurt the vending company representative in loss of pay, made him pay for the stolen product, made him write an apology letter to all involved, and he spent his 5-day suspension doing community service work at a local food bank. All in all, I think we were able to turn a negative act into a positive learning experience. We'll see!
Comment By : Mom of 3 sons
Kudos to Carol for helping her daughter to see how her/her friend's behavior drew the attention of mall police. I am so quick to jump on my kids for the behavior when they are caught doing wrong and then stacking the consequences because of my heightened sense of distrust, family reputation, etc. I want others to be held accountable, those who influenced, set her up, instigated, etc. But, the bottomline, which Carol clearly noted is that the lesson is not in whether it happened or not, but that what was being done was noticed and perceived as wrong.
I appreciated this article, not just for the face value of dealing with stealing. You could substitute any other behavior for stealing and the point/lesson is the same. We can't justify wrong doing. Wrong is wrong. We have to help our kids truly believe that and the only way it will happen is holding them accountable. If we mess up, holding them accountable for something they didn't do, is still a lesson. You can be treated the same through association.
Comment By : Colleen
I think my one daughter steels money from all of us. She was caught shoplifting, but then was not prosecuted,it was with her with friends and family. It was so embarrasing. It has been hard to catch her again. I do know that if we can't find something it returns, mysteriously.
I am going to have to keep better track of things. She has always been my snoopy one, knows where and what is around her constantly. This article is very helpful.
Comment By : CJ
My son stole money from me one morning. He and his 2 brothers weren't allowed to leave the house until I found it. As I searched his backpack, his brother, who was watching the whole thing, suggested I check his shoes. There it was - try pulling out the insole and see what you find.
Comment By : Your Mom
My 14 year old son has established a history of "taking stuff" over the past two years. First it was just food, which continues to be an issue. We have to check his room every couple of days for garbage. He will eat anything he wants, usually sugar based stuff, reguardless of what he's been told about it being off limits or how many healthy choices there are. He claims that it's my fault for not supplying the foods he wants. We have a footlocker we keep locked in our closet with certain foods to protect them from ending up in his room. He also takes cd.s and tools, personal items or office supplies: basically anything he wants or is interested in. Once he took a piggybank full of change from our closet. It only contained about $49.00, but we did call the police. They were't helpful at all. They told him not to do it again!! Then they told us "Good Luck". The courts are so full of real trouble that we don't have time to mess with this small stuff. Now my son thinks it's even less of a big deal. He has no respect for anyone else or their property, but thinks he actually owns the space he's alowed to use in our home. He refuses to share anything that's "his", but claims he dosen't have a choice except to take things because we have the nerve to tell him "NO" when he asks. We really are at a loss. We've made him pay for or replace the food he's consumed. He's had to make apologies and restitution for all items, but time and time again, we find our things in his room, or hidden elsewhere: usually consumed , used-up or destroyed. Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Comment By : Adoptive Mom of four
* Dear Adoptive Mom of Four: I frequently hear from parents of adopted or foster children who find themselves dealing with instances of the child repeatedly stealing from the family. You have spent a great deal of time trying to change this behavior with no success, and it seems that despite your hard, consistent work you continue to be puzzled by your child’s attitude. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends that if stealing is persistent, it may be a sign of problems in the child’s emotional development or relations in the family. Children who frequently steal may struggle with trusting others and forming close relationships. Just as you describe, these children often do not feel guilty but blame others, and feel that they need to take what they need since it was not given to them. Because your work with your child seems to be at a standstill, consider having him evaluated by a child or adolescent psychiatrist who can help you and the child understand the underlying reasons for his continuing need to steal. They will also help you create a treatment plan so that you can help your child develop healthy emotional responses.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Thanks Carole,
I appreciate you comments concerning my fourteen year old adopted son and his pattern of stealing. Your suggestions were right on track, but unfortunately we've had our son evaluated and in therapy for four years. Stealing isn't his only negative issue, but was the only one relevant to this article. He currently is taking medications for a.d.d., bi-polar disorder, and is also considered by some to be o.d.d. None of these issues EVER manifests it's self anywhere but with our immediate family. He is the student" poster child" at school, and everywhere else, with everyone else.He came home to us at only nine weeks old, and appeared to be like every other child until the age of nine. We continue to see a decline in compliant behavior and an increase in antisocial behavior: but again, only within the family. It's a real blessing to have this support line in place. Knowing we're not alone makes a world of difference.
Comment By : Adoptive Mom of Four
I so relate to "Adoptive Mom of Four"! I have 3 adopted children from birth (was their birthing coach and have an open relationship with their birthmothers). My 12 year old was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and then whoever we saw professionally, was given the diagnosis that they specialized in from Depression, Anxiety, Attachment Disorder, even Aspergers and now the latest is that it is none of those but Bipolar. Nonetheless, nothing seems to help manage her hostile, disrepectful, often abusive behavior in the home. With teachers, peers, she holds it together and does fairly well. She lacks strong social peer relationships mostly due to her impulsivity, low esteem, lying--she's plain annoying with them. It does help to talk but sure wish we could find a solution. Her hostile,unpredictable behavior in the home is causing so much frustration, anguish with all of us and I especially feel sad for our younger children. We can become so isolated. It helps to know we are not alone, but there must be something that can tap into helping these kids. We have seen glimpses of the very beautiful, special person she is.
Comment By : Colleen
Our son was diagnosed with ADD at 5 and has exhibited aggressive,disrespectful behavior and stealing from family and freinds. Despite medication, therapy and behavior modification, the behavior continued and escalated in his teenage years. He was interested in the Army and came off medication one year ago so he could pass drug screening but did not reveal his history. He did not make it through basic training and was discharged. We told him he needed to think about what he planned to do to earn a living and offered to pay for technical training when he got home but made it clear that we would not allow him to abuse us financially,verbally or emotionally when he returned from the Army two months later. He made no plans to get a job or enroll in school so we told him he would have to leave our home. He is living with a girlfriend's family who has very few expectations of anyone including themselves. It has been the toughest thing I have ever done and one that causes me to lose sleep but I don't know what else to do.
Comment By : Empty Nest
Hello guys, I have an adopted brother and is also a cousin of mine. I really did not meet the mother of this child. We just recieved a call from government agency to give us the first option to adopt him as he had lost both of the parents. His problem started when he was 6 years old, he was caught taking some money from my Mom. Then later, as he have this rivalry with our youngest brother we decided to bring him to my married sister. Later, we found he is okay but fot more than 3 times now this kid was caught stealing. The thing I do not understand is that he shares the money to the other kids in the forms of giving them food. Other than knowing about this problem, you will really like him as he seems to be so tame when he is at home. He is an intelligent kid and very talented but just have this problem. I am now concerned with this behavior as my brother in law might be tired of him and I do not know where to put him. Do you think he has some psychological problems? Is there anything we can do? everytime we talked with him after such incident, he also cries and feel so sorry about it.. but just about the time he gained the trust, we suddenly learn that he have done something else. what can we do?
Comment By : kim
Hi, we have been dealing with this stealing issue between our two children for some time. Most recently our son took the blame and the kids told the story that he was mad at us so he took $17 from his dad and burned it in the backyard. He had to forfeit his birthday money. I wish I had better techniques with dealing finding out who does the stealing.
Comment By : skater
* Regarding stealing with adopted and/or neglected children: stealing very often becomes an issue, especially in grade school. There are many theories about this, all of which make sense, but I will not go into them here. I will say that this is very treatable in behavior therapy. Parents who react to it as if it’s a moral issue are misinterpreting the motivation of the behavior. You’ll often find kids with this kind of background stealing food to hide in their rooms, and stealing money for no reason. That’s why they buy things for their friends -- they have nothing better to do with it. They’re not stealing for the money, they’re stealing for the emotional relief that it gives them. It’s best to deal with this very consistently in that there should be consequences for their actions that should be followed through on, regardless of other circumstances. If the stealing persists, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be most helpful in this type of situation. But I would urge every parent of adopted or neglected or abused children to not get too discouraged when this behavior happens, and most importantly, don’t give up on them. If it persists, get help, but understand that this is a symptom of something greater. Still, that doesn't mean we don’t have firm consistent consequences.
Comment By : James Lehman, MSW
Great insights, but with my 15 year old step-daughter, consequences mean nothing. She just finds a way to circumvent those as well. When she is caught, she projects her nastiness upon the person who caught her. She has been under the care of a psychologist and a psychiatrist, been admitted on multiple occasions to an inpatient mental health facility, so not giving up is pretty hard given the circumstances. If I did not have great love for my husband, I would have been gone a long time ago. The latest is stealing my Starbuck's Gift Card from my purse...it's been cash, my cellphone, my Chanel makeup,my Godiva chocolate that was a gift to me, and other food, etc. What's sad is she had her own giftcard in her Christmas stocking - so why take mine....I am putting a lock on my bedroom door and am ready to totally disconnect, fiscally and emotionally.
Comment By : RX Girl
My 15 year old son has had this issue for the past two years with stealing cell phones from school. He has his own cell phone but continues to steal. His father and I have punished him spoke with him about the consequences of his actions, but he continues to steal. The cell phones would pop up maybe once a month a couple of years ago, now its almost every week or every other week. He has stolen so many phones I can't count on my fingers or toes. The High School he attend suspended him for six weeks which was for the remainder of the school year. He does not steal money, clothes, or any other items, only cell phones. Its like he's obsessed with them. Again he has (I mean had) his own cell. I'm not for sure what's the issue. My last result is to seek counseling because all else has failed. Can you please give some insight of what may be the best route for me and his father to take with him? Thanks
Comment By : Concerned Parent
worried mom>>my child is 8 yrs old he steal money from his classmet last year i thought he will never do this a gain but recently our neighbor said that he caught my son hiding toys and try to steal it from his son....now i dont know what to do and im sleepless now..im verry worried please help me..
Comment By : worriedmom
This article has been very helpful, as well as the reader comments. My niece has been exhibiting this same cluster of behaviors, I've never seen others saying they had the same problems. Her mother refuses to believe that she does any wrong, and gets angry at anyone who points out that her daughter is doing wrong....including a teacher who caught her cheating ('What kind of a teacher is he? How dare he accuse her!')
I noticed problems nearly 10 years ago, there were countless food wrappers under my niece's bed. I am no authority on child development, but it didn't seem normal. Years on, she takes food from the kitchen, garage freezer, the guest room when people are staying over. She has recently started opening the fridge and freezer at others' homes and taking what she wants. Asks for a popsicle or some other treat, tries to get upstairs with her pockets crammed full of them. She also carries huge handbags lately which I suspect contain food. She also buys boxes of treats 'to share on the school bus' but to my knowledge there is no eating on public school buses. She has eaten huge amounts of chocolate, hard to believe amounts from a store my mother had hidden for holiday baking.
The latest wrinkle is taking money from my mother's wallet, $10 and $20 at a time, frequently. My mother is 77, so when she said anything the first few times my sister said that our mother 'is old and having memory problems'. If my niece is asked if she took something, a very loud 'NOOOOOOO!' is the answer and my sister buys it. My mother has resigned herself to her money, earrings etc going missing as my sister will not even consider that her daughter might take things.
Can this be part of a learning disability? My niece (17) cannot do math at all, her friends have recently been tutoring her in 4th and 5th grade math as she is failing algebra in part because she cannot understand fractions....she also cannot spell. As late as 10 years old we could not use two dice to play a game, she could not add the numbers together. Her mother allowed her to use just one die, rather than looking into the problem. She also had great trouble understanding analogue clocks, my sister replaced all the clocks in the house with digital ones as my niece could not learn to tell time. Another behavior that I think is odd is constant, constant chatter all day long. She truly never stops talking, and has no compunction at all about walking into a room where people are talking and barging into the conversation. Since she was small she has also been rather destructive, never an unbroken crayon or toy in the house. Now she's on her 4th or 5th cell phone as she snaps them in half constantly clicking them open and shut.
My heart aches for her. I am sorry this is so long, I have never seen anyone talk before about similar behaviors, I am relieved in a way to see these issues addressed. If she has a definable problem, perhaps I can talk to my sister again, to get the child help. I fear she will be miserable if she is not helped in some way.
As I've said, I've been seeing all this for almost 10 years and I'm terribly upset by all of it. The fact that my mother has to live like a warden in her own house and lock up all her belongings and the freezer also is very upsetting.
Comment By : Ann
My daughter is 7 now. When she was 6.5 yrs old we found out that she stole her older cousins phone. Perhaps because we told her she would get a phone after age 10-12 or so. She came clear, cried and ll then we returned the phone. Since then we have found a bracelet, decorative bear that she stole from a store and just yesterday we found a electornic toy PDA she stole from a sleepover she had with a group of 4 girlfriends. We also found a mini diary she stole from her schoool teacher. We are very confused about ther behaviour. She is an excellent student, piano player, great artist, has tons of friends, the leader of her group. We have noted that all these incidents pre-date the time when we caught her stealing but she did not inform us of the other items when we confronted her. She is only 7 and we are very concerned about this pattern. Se promised us all those thefts took place before we confronted her. We feel she is telling the truth. We are dissapointed she did not come clean at that time. We feel this is something we cannot take lightly. She is quite ambarrassed. She even said she felt like pulling her own hair and biting herself to hurt herself. We were quite sad to see this. We are considering seeing a child therapist. Any out there who can give us some advice.
Comment By : Concerned_Parents
What I meant by 'could this be part of a learning disability' was, could the stress of not keeping up in school be causing problem behavior at school, not that a learning disability causes stealing...sorry, that was clumsy.
Comment By : Ann
* Dear Ann:
It’s a good question that you ask: “Can stress of keeping up in school be causing problem behavior at school?” James Lehman encourages us not to think in terms of explanations but in terms of problem solving. Too often explanations for behaviors become excuses for those behaviors. If the problem is keeping up in school, the solution should be to find ways to help her catch up. One of the best ways is to establish good structure to develop better study habits. Here’s a great article from James Lehman that you might share with your sister: End the Nightly Homework Struggle
5 Homework Strategies that Work for Kids http://www.empoweringparents.com/End-the-Nightly-Struggle-over-Homework-Now.php The only way to know if your niece has a ‘definable problem’ such as a learning disability that is causing the math problems and other behaviors you’re concerned about, is to have her tested. You might suggest to your sister that there are usually services in school systems that will arrange these types of tests for students who are doing poorly. Keep in touch with us and let us know how it’s going.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
* Dear Concerned Parents:
It’s always upsetting to discover our kids have stolen something. I would not focus on the fact that she did not come clean with everything she has stolen when you first confronted her. All children need to learn that they cannot steal to solve the problem of wanting something they don’t have. Borrowing, taking turns, and sharing are the skills to use instead of stealing. If you can problem solve with her by finding out why she wanted the items, then you can discuss other ways of dealing with wanting something. As James Lehman says, it is important to examine your child’s faulty thinking about stealing. Since she can’t keep the things that were stolen, she will need your help in learning how to return those items. If she continues to talk about hurting herself and that she’s a bad person, it would be a good idea to get the help of a family counselor to work through this together. Don’t forget you can always call the trained specialists on the Support Line for ideas on how to implement the program techniques. Keep in touch. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
My 17 1/2 yr old daughter has been stealing from me & other family members homes for years. When "caught" she will never accept responsibility, in fact she will deny it even when caught in the act.
I'm so frustrated. I have tried everything imaginable. I even have signs posted in my bathroom asking her not to steal my things with no changes in her. I just this morning found my makeup in her room again for the umpteenth time! It's embarrassing and absoultely maddening to have to deal with this over and over. I can't trust her. And now she is at driving age, and I am so fearful that she will end up in "real" trouble.
~Defeated Mom
Comment By : defeated mom
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. The whole family has some thinking to do.
Comment By : Ann
