Does your child seem to constantly make fun of you? Mocking, imitating and laughing at parents can be harmless fun, but it can also become an annoying behavior that undermines your authority.
Some kids make a game of teasing their parents. There are two contexts in which kids can mock, imitate or laugh at you. One is in the family setting of teasing each other. It happens all the time and it’s perfectly acceptable. But you should have boundaries about how much your kids can tease or mock you. The problem arises when kids tease or laugh at you in order to be disrespectful or rude, and to undermine your authority. For example, when you're telling your son to turn off the TV and start his homework, and he parrots back your words to you and mocks your tone of voice, that's not playing. That's disrespect, and an attempt to chip away at your position of authority.
The response from you has to be very clear: “We’re not playing now. This is serious.” If at that point your child cannot stop laughing and teasing, you should walk away. When you talk later, make it very clear. “If you laugh and tease me when I talk to you, that’s disrespectful and it will carry a consequence.” This might be the loss of something that’s important to the child until they apologize and tell you what they’ll do differently next time. Parents are sometimes reluctant to make an issue of things like mocking and teasing. They think, “My kid does so many things that need to be corrected, I don’t want to bother with this.” But understand this: When your child mocks, imitates or teases you to be disrespectful and you don’t address it, your parental authority erodes quickly.
There are many ways to undermine authority and kids will use teasing and laughter to do just that, but parents have to recognize it and respond to it. Deal with it firmly and set limits on the teasing. When things are calm, tell them, “When we’re not playing, that’s not acceptable, and when you do that to me, you’re going to be held accountable.”
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That's all great, but what happens when the other parent (the biological father) does not back up what you have to say? Or if he doesn't make the kids accountable and I have no authority to give consequences to that child? When I do the argument turns from the child and I to my husband and I.
Comment By : confused
Right on target.
Comment By : mjones
thanks for this... it's become an issue here lately, and didn't know where to draw the line.
Comment By : jezuzgirl
Thank you for addressing this subject. We have a daughter who does this periodically and it drives my husband crazy since she mostly does it to him. We really didn't know what to do about it because like you mentioned in the article there are other "more serious" discipline matters, yet this one really bothered us, so thanks again. We love your program and it continues to make such a difference in our lives and family!
Comment By : Antoinette
To Confused - I have been in your shoes with the undermining dad and even though my son is now 19, still am to some extent. Hold YOUR ground. Set YOUR limits. Refuse to argue with the dad in front of the kid. Just say, I don't like it and I don't want you to do that to me. If dad undermines you, just say, well, your father doesn't care, but I do and I don't want you to do that to me. And WALK AWAY. I have learned a lot from Dr. Lehman and the most useful of all is, state your expectations and the consequences and WALK AWAY. Make sure that the consequences are enforceable and in line with what the kid did. Handle the dad the same way you handle the kid - state your expectations and walk away. I'm not going to argue with you about it. These are MY expectations, if you don't have a problem with him doing that to you, then when he does, he won't have consequences, but when he does it to me, he will. The kid will see the difference. Be especially careful not to let the kid triangulate with you and the dad. Just be clear and don't argue about it -- walk away. It's hard at first because you just want to tell them both where to go, but it gets so much easier. After a while, it comes naturally and it saves you a tremendous amount of stress. Good Luck.
Comment By : Been There
What do you do about a 36 yr. old who continually laughs at you and belittles you in front of his wife and 5 yr. old Son?
Comment By : BJ
Thank you so much for this article, this is my first time reading it. It is exactly what I am going thruoght with my son and it is driving me crazy.
Comment By : Mari
To BJ - That is even more unacceptable than a child doing it! I was told by my son's therapist that we needed to teach him how to treat us, and that absolutely applies with you. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him ONCE that speaking to you that way will not be tollerated, tell him how it makes you feel, then let him know that he will no longer be invited to your home if it continues. Then carry through with these consequences! Invite your daughter-in-law and grandson over without your son a few times, and maybe he will get the message. If the behavior returns in the future, remind him of the consequences and stick to them. I wish you well!
Comment By : Tammie
Please inform me how to handle this: My 11 y/o step-daughter keeps looking out my living room blinds, and when she is done leaves the blind messed up, where I have rto fix them again.
when I talk to her about them, she denies ever doing this.I know it is her because her best friend lives next door.
Please help me. Thank-you.
Comment By : DANHUNTSVILLE
I found this article very informative and useful, and it gives me great pleasure to know that I am on the right track in dealing with my 13 and 11 year old boys, which can be very challenging and frustrating moments. I can rest at ease to know that they are very loving and supportive aside from their mistakes.
Comment By : chapy
To Been There: Wow, sounds like you're doing a good job. I try the "walk away" thing, but my 12 year old son then follows me and continues to harass me "Mom! Mom! Mom!" I end up turning around and yelling at him and that doesn't do either of us any good. Any advice?
Comment By : jaynie
* Dear DanHuntsville: It's hard to give a consequence for a behavior based on hearsay and assumptions. Unfortunately, continuing to accuse her of doing something she denies won't get those blinds straight! You might have a discussion with her about her household responsibilites, and include straightening the blinds as part of her daily chores. That way, you avoid the blame and denial it sounds like you are currently experiencing, and you get to have your living room looking neat and organized.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
