Enter your email address to receive our FREE weekly parenting newsletter
“Is Santa Claus real?”
This question came this morning in the middle of the get-to-school rush, right over instant oatmeal and right after an unfinished homework assignment was discovered. I did what most parents do. I hedged. And then I lied.
“Um, what do you think, Honey?”
“I think he’s real, but Taylor said it was just a lie parents tell their kids. Is that true?”
“Wow, he said that?”
“Yes. But you believe in Santa, right Mom?”
“Yes, Honey, of course I do.”
A twinge of guilt and the question that always plagues me about Santa, Dragons, the Tooth Fairy, Unicorns and the Easter Bunny. I wonder when this will come back to bite me in the butt. At that exact moment, the problem was solved, though, and I figured that was enough for this morning.
It got me to thinking about a recent news story I’d read. It seems most parents lie to their kids about one thing or another — whether it’s something rather harmless like a fantasy figure, or little white lies like how great the macaroni necklace for Grandma looks. Another reason parents lie? To prevent a tantrum or acting out behavior in their kids. Ever used the, “The police will come and give you a ticket if you keep screaming” line, for example? (I haven’t. Not me. Never. Well, maybe just the once…and it worked!)
But not surprisingly, lying can harm child-parent bonds, according to researchers. Not to mention the fact that we are probably teaching our kids how to lie in the bargain! Gail Heyman, one of the experts who ran the study on lying, told Live Science that “Parents often lie on the spur of the moment, and they don’t think about what they’re saying and how it will affect their child.” She cautioned, “I think parents should figure out in advance what their general beliefs are so when it comes to the situation, you’re working with your beliefs rather than what pops into your head at the moment.”
I guess what she’s saying is that you’d better get your story straight in your head — and with your spouse — so you’re both answering those difficult kid questions the same way!
|
If you find any comments that are rude or inappropriate, please contact us immediately.
22 Responses
If you find any comments that are rude or inappropriate, please contact us immediately.
Leave a Comment
The Empowering Parents Blog values your opinions and encourages you to add your comments to this discussion. Wherever possible, we will post comments exactly as they come in. We reserve the right to edit comments for clarity, exclude questionable matters, and delete off-topic comments. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. EP is a website that focuses on issues of child behavior and parenting. We ask that you do not promote one religious or political view over another. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our blog. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.
October 5th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I think lying to your kids is the easy way out.Its so tempting to make up a story because its quick to do in our busy lives. Its better to take the time to explain truthfully the situation. In the long run your kids will benefit more than any short term gains.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Colin: I agree with you! So how do you (or any other parents out there) talk to your kids about Santa, etc.? My son has been asking me about this lately — a lot. (The kids talk on the playground. The jungle gym at his school is like the CNN anchor desk. An older boy recently told him, “Santa’s not real, it’s just a lie your parents tell you.”) I have to admit, I’m stuck. It’s “The Magic of Christmas” vs. “Telling the Truth”. Or is it?
October 6th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Frankly, I don’t think parents SHOULD EVER lie to their children and certainly not about silliness like Santa Claus.
Children can have just as much fun with Christmas knowing
it’s all make believe. Their little imaginations can wrap
themselves around the festival in spite of knowing it’s not actually real. Proof is how they relate to their dolls etc.
They know they aren’t “real” but that doesn’t stop them from developing real feelings for these items. I think it’s a disgrace when parents look their innocent and trusting children straight in the face and tell them a big lie. Personally, I resented when it was done to me. It broke heart a little to be honest when I learned that Santa didn’t really drink my hot chocolate that I so lovingly left for him.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I don’t think you should lie to your children —
I think children appreciate the truth even if its not what they want to hear.
However, Santa Claus is a whole different story. To me Santa, is a fable, a legend, and a cultural tradition that makes people happy and doesn’t harm anyone. I loved believing in Santa Claus and continue to encourage the wonder in my own children.
I don’t judge people who donot like Santa or Christmas, and think it is little harsh to suggest a parent who does that they are doing something bad to their children.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I think we all need to take a deep breath here and then exhale before slinging accusations around, especially about something as innocent as Santa Claus. Of course lying to kids is wrong, but Elisabeth you told your son that you believed in Santa. To me, this is not a lie. Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas (we celebrate both at our house)is exemplified in the essence of Christmas. I agree with Brooke: it is a fable and a legend that has been around for centuries, and brings enormous pleasure and excitement to small children all over the world. What’s not to believe in?
I have 2 believers left and a 12 year old who knows better and all of them have thoroughly enjoyed the beauty and wonder of the Christmas season their whole lives. Part of this has been because of Santa and my oldest was never even remotely traumatized when he figured out it was his parents. When my kids ask, “Is Santa real?” our response has always been, “The spirit of Santa and Saint Nicholas is alive in all of us, every Christmas we celebrate. It is the fun side of this very important holiday”. This isn’t a lie–in my opinion it is the flat out truth.
Of all the things we as parents have to worry about, judging each other for our personal beliefs about Santa shouldn’t be one of them. When someone wants to have a heated discussion about childhood poverty, sexual abuse, or parents neglecting their kids, I’ll jump right in. Having a heated debate over Santa seems a little silly!
October 6th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Santa silly? No way. Dreams, hopes and the fun that comes with childhood are moments and memories to be cherished.. In our house (not religious) we perpetuate the Santa fantasy. And quite honestly, he does live on in the hearts of all of us. I am Santa, my husband is Santa, grandparents are Santa etc… Santa exists. And when the day comes that my sons find out it is us…..I hope he remembers how much we thought about them and loved them and made their dreams fun. Life is tough sometimes. Mystery and excitement make it all the more palatable. I don’t ever intentionally “lie” to my children. I don’t ever tell them what is inside their Christmas presents either when they ask and I know that disappoints them. I am all for Santa, the toothfairy and the other good stuff that comes with the ride. Santa lives!!!
October 6th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I find it shocking that people are even debating this issue. Personally speaking, as a father, I encourage belief in santa claus and the, non denominational, easter bunny…I even take my five-year old son hiking in the woods every March 17th looking for leprechans.
What’s wrong with encouraging the wonder of imagination. I think a healthy sense of imagination is far too rare these days. My children will have their whole lives to be exposed to the sobering reality of life. I don’t mind putting it off a bit. As Tolstoy said…”he had lived his life as in a magic lantern into which he had long been looking by an artificial light; now suddenly he could see without the lamp, by the clear light of day, these wretchedly painted pictures.”
As I said,I don’t mind putting off these epiphanies awhile.
Besides, want to talk about a crock of bull? How about organized religion? At least when it really mattered, and our beloved dog hondo died, I told my son the truth and didn’t cop out with a bunch of crap about heaven.
I applaud the author of this blog for nurturing her son’s sense of wonder and imagination…and shielding him from the harsh realities of life for the time being.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
It’s unfortunate that Anntelope no longer can hear the ringing of the Silver Bell of Christmas. I hope his/her kids learn to before it’s too late.
October 7th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Listen, when I was about 7 or 8 my mom was driving me somewhere in the car, and I asked her, “Mom, there’s no Santa Claus, is there?” And she said, “Nope, and no Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny either.” Now, this is a period of her life that she blithely refers to as her “drinking days” but I still mark that event as one of the more traumatic of my young life. I would have rather she at least said, “What do you think?”
I agree with what Brooke said, about how it’s important to tell your kids the truth, but Santa is a whole different story. It sounds to me like Elisabeth’s son WANTS to believe in Santa, and like others have said, I think that encouraging that belief also encourages his imagination. I have three kids 6 and under, and I couldn’t tell the oldest one that Santa isn’t real without it sending shock waves through the rest of the clan.
Though maybe I’m not one to talk about being honest with your kids, since I just told my 3-year-old that the ice cream in the freezer was a bulk tub of broccoli.
October 7th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I like the idea that Santa is a harmless legend that makes children happy. Most of my friends talk very fondly about believing in Santa as kids and don’t seem too traumatized. (My big brother spilled the beans when I was in kindergarten, and it really made Christmas a little less magical, I will say. I’ve forgiven him, though — I think!
) In general, I think it’s good to be up front with your kids, but I think there are some areas where fantasy can have a place in their lives. Thanks, Everyone, for your comments!
October 8th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Coming out and stating an absolute “yes” about the realness of Santa Claus can be an issue. The real answer is yes and no. So if a child asks, he deserves a fair answer. I would hope that parents are teaching children, the real meaning of Christmas and its origin if they know. Dr. Joan commented about individuals debating about Santa. The debate was about LYING,
October 17th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
As a child, I was devastated by the idea that some magically empowered man can somehow breach the protection of our locked doors, only to bring good children gifts. I was a good child was was concerned about the idea that this ‘man’ could get his records confused, thinking I’m a bad child, & somehow punish me; or further, kill us in our sleep.
Children should never be lied to… How can they trust their parents after learning the truth? Santa is as fake as the religion it is associated with. I find it interesting that the religious come up with fake ideas, in honor of religious days, rather than just being honest with them. Lies based upon lies….
November 5th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I have a story to share. This was asked by her niece to her mother after the girl was older and “catching on”. She asked, “Is santa real?” and mom said “no”. Then she asked about the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, and her mom said they were not. She explained that these are for little kids to make believe and she asked then if God was real. To a christian family, it was very sad for her to listen to her daughter wonder if god was real or if he was a figment of the imagination like santa. It is up to each parent if they want to bring in the easter bunny etc. but my parents told us from the beginning that our presents came from them and jesus is the reason for christmas. Depends on the way you want to raise your children. I don’t feel like I missed out because I didn’t believe in Santa. I understood that my parents had to save money each holiday for gifts and appreciated it.
November 27th, 2009 at 10:32 am
my kids have been taught that people who tell them or other kids that Santa is real that those people are liars and you should not respect them as they are disrespecting you for lying about something so small……after you lie to your children about this kind of small stuff you think is harmless and they find out don’t you think they will wonder if you have been lying about everything else in their life…….but hey its Christmas in America so lets continue to teach are children to lie so they can turn out to be liars themselves
December 21st, 2009 at 10:55 pm
Why is it ruining a child’s magic and imagination if you tell them the Santa story is exactly that – a STORY? Kids watch movies and get caught up in the magic of them, they read books and other stories and can imagine themselves in far-off places and wonderous lands, and they can be told a story about Santa, and have just as magical a childhood and Christmas as the child who gets told a fat man breaks into their home and delivers their presents.
Telling your children the truth doesn’t necessarily mean the destruction of a child’s imagination or their fantasy life. It just means you show them the whole Santa thing in a different light. It makes things like the multiple “Santas” a whole lot easier, and it also means that us as parents get credit for all the hard work and present-giving of Christmas, instead of some make-believe fat man in an unseasonably hot (here in Australia anyway) red suit!
December 31st, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Kylie: I like your take on the Santa legend. I have to admit that I worry sometimes about the day my son figures out the whole thing is make-believe. He asked me this year if I believe in Santa, and I said, “Yes, because to me, Santa is the magic of Christmas.” He seemed to understand that, and didn’t ask any more questions…we’ll see how it goes as he gets older!
February 28th, 2010 at 5:26 am
I was so determined not to tell my son the Santa lie, because I remember being crushed as a child when I found out it was all a lie. But well-meaning friends kept insisting I not let my son down and ruin Christmas for him. Because I was new at the parenting thing, I went with their advice. Luckily, my normally emotional son, took the truth about Santa with laughter. I had told him that Saint Nicholas was a real a long time ago and it is his spirit of giving and kindness that lives to this day. That part is true. My son laughed and was excited to tell his friend who never believed in Santa that he didn’t believe anymore either. And that was that.
March 1st, 2010 at 9:12 am
mom2nick_d: This is good to hear! We’ve also started telling our son about St. Nicholas, how important giving is, and how being generous and giving to others is one
of the reasons why Christmas is so magical. Like your
boy, he can be pretty emotional. I hope his response is as good as your son’s was!
December 10th, 2010 at 3:11 am
I don’t think any kid is going to throw the Santa story/lie at a parent when they are caught lying. I was hoping to to hear how parents who lie to their kids about things that matter handle it when they catch their kid lying and have their kid brings up a lie the parent told them like ‘A power outage caused the electricity to be off’ instead of being honest and saying ‘I didn’t pay the bill because I spent the money so the electricity will be off for awhile’. If we teach our kids that even as adults we have difficulties making ends meet or making the right choice. We can teach by example that there are consequences to everyone’s actions and decisions. Our children need to know that their parents are human and not perfect we make mistakes. Its how we deal with those mistakes that teach us and our kids how to make better choices. Lying is wrong and the truth is always easier to remember than a lie. We all need to stop and think before we respond to questions and teach our children that same habit.
December 10th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Dear Robin:
Thanks for your comment. I think your point is a good one and might deserve another blog post in EP on the subject of parents lying to their kids.
I agree that honesty is important, but I believe there are some truths our kids aren’t yet ready to hear. I also think that you can still be truthful without telling your kids every detail of the situation. Using your example, I believe it would just make most kids anxious (and might make them feel that they have to be responsible for their parents, instead of the other way around) to hear that mom or dad spent the money and now can’t pay the electricity bill. While it’s important to teach kids about consequences, I don’t think our lives as adults should be an open book to our children, because a lot of what we deal with is much more complex than they are capable of handling at this stage in their development.
May 14th, 2011 at 12:53 pm
Telling Children that Santa is real is a lie. I taught my son that there was a man named St. Nicholous that went around bearing gifts and googled information about him. But explained that once settlers came to America that they couldnt pronouce his name so called him Santa Claus. Learned this in a history class. I did this because many of my family members were lied too and once they learned the truth, were upset as a child. We are the role models for our children. We are their examples.
October 31st, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Is Santa Claus real? I DO NOT believe we should lie to our children EVER! A child is ready for the specific truth when he/she asks a specific question. They look to us for the facts, the truth; we as parents are responsible for our children’s well-being! Zachary age ‘6′ asked “Daddy is Santa Clause real?” My response”…………..”The Spirit of Santa Clause is very real” Zachary “Daddy you did not answer the question!” My response “Son…….. Daddy will NEVER lie to you, not now NOT ever; the answer is yes and no. No, Santa Clause was a man or a legend of a man that lived a long time ago and he started the tradition of giving out gifts to people. Other people followed his example and emulated his spirit of giving; today we carry on this wonderful tradition. Some people get into the spirit of Santa Clause and dress up as he did and go around giving gifts; also son Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, and Christmas to them is Jesus’ Birthday and they emulate the three wise men that brought Jesus gifts on the day he was born……….do you understand, capice? Yes the truth, of course in a manner that is objective never subjective unless they ask, balanced and as factual as humanly possible. I have told my children the truth about where meat comes from, Halloween, divorce, love, trust, GOD, etc. I tell them from as many perspectives as I am aware and as I may have reliable information. Of all the species on the planet ours (human) our offspring mature the slowest…………..Some studies have proven that the children of primitive tribes mature faster because they are exposed to reality as a consequence of survival. Our children, (that of modern may live in la, la land, and believe electricity comes from a switch on the wall, meat is from a refrigerated package, storks delivery babies, and you can trust mommy and daddy. Lying is always Wrong All Ways!