“I wouldn't be in trouble at school if my mom had just written me an excuse,” complained a teen I was counseling recently. “And the teacher didn’t have to fail me – he could’ve let me off with a warning!” As I listened to this bright 15-year-old kid explain why everyone was at fault for his situation (except himself), I encouraged him to take personal responsibility for his own choices. He looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language or had simply lost my mind. Rather than being the exception, I think this example has become the rule. No one, from politicians to celebrities to our own kids, seems able to admit they were wrong or take responsibility these days. Everyone seems to be playing The Blame Game.

These days, we’re bombarded with mixed messages about how to parent “the right way.” It’s easy to buy into advice from the media, relatives, and other parents and start to worry that we’re doing something wrong. Part of the reason this is happening is because adults, just like kids, are over-stimulated. We’re more wired and connected, which means we’re receiving more outside input than ever before. We have easy access to advice (good and bad) on the web, to information about how other parents are doing things, and to each other through social networking sites. This means we’re also more actively comparing ourselves to others—and getting more judgment and criticism from others as a result.

Kasey* was a fifteen-year-old girl who arrived at my adolescent treatment center with a rap sheet and an attitude. She was beautiful, she came from a very wealthy family—and she was way out of control. When we met, I began to lay down the usual ground rules. Kasey, who towered over me, screamed, “F--- you, you f------- b-----!” and threw every foul word at me she could think of. I knew she was capable of knocking me on my butt. I won’t lie—my knees were shaking a little, but I didn’t let her see how scared I was. Instead I said, in as calm of a voice as I could muster, “Great, but you still have to follow the rules.”

Do you ever wonder if your rules are too strict—or too lenient? When is it time to reel your child back in, and how will you know when it’s safe to loosen the reins a bit? Most importantly, is your child ready for more independence, or showing clear signs that she’s not?

It’s one of the hardest things parents deal with: even if you’re trying to raise your child the right way, as soon as he walks out the door, you know he’s going to be exposed to all sorts of negative—even dangerous—influences. From dress to attitude to a popular culture that says it’s cool to drink and do drugs, parents have every right to be concerned. Are you afraid to send your child out the door? In this insightful one–on–one interview, James Lehman gives you some honest advice.

As a parent, if you aren’t the boss in your family, the lines of authority can become blurred very quickly. When your children are unsure about who’s really in charge, they often act out, engage in risky behavior, or become extremely bossy and patronizing as a result. And eventually you start to resent them because you don’t have a way to tell them what to do. You’ve effectively lost control.

Why do some kids try to become the so-called “alpha dogs” of their families? The answer lies in an old saying: Nature abhors a vacuum. And in my experience, if there’s a vacuum of power in a family, somebody’s going to try to fill it.

I think a lot of parents feel it’s important to explain their reasoning to their children in an attempt to get them to understand. Realize that along the way, wanting your child to understand can easily shift into wanting their approval, or their acceptance of your reasons. When this happens, parents can get stuck in a dynamic where they’re over-explaining things to their children. I personally think that once you’ve given your child a reasonable amount of input, any further explanation defeats the purpose.

In part two of this series, James gives you 7 ways to get back parental control and stop living in fear of your child’s tantrums and acting-out behavior.

Do you find yourself caught in a constant tug-of-war with your child, with no idea how to nip escalating fights over power in the bud? If you’re caught in a battle of wills in your home, there is hope. In part two of our series, James shows you three powerful techniques for defusing defiant power struggles today.

Do you ever feel as if your relationship with your child has become one long, drawn-out (and exhausting) power struggle? If you’re in this situation, it probably seems like you simply progress from nagging your child over dirty laundry on the floor in the morning to arguing over bedtime at night. As they get older, power struggles get more entrenched as your child pushes against the rules: they start asking for things like the keys to the car and permission to go to all-night parties, “because all their friends’ parents said ‘yes.’”

When our children refuse to do what we ask them, it can feel like we’re caught in a tug-of-war, with both sides pulling on the end of the rope as hard as they can, and neither side making much headway.

Sometimes when we feel powerless as parents, we resort to bringing out the big guns. Have you ever found yourself saying things like, “Wait until your father gets home!” or “Wait until your mother hears about this!”? I’m here to tell you that if you threaten a child with what their other parent might do, you’re making two serious mistakes.

“Because I said so!” What parent hasn’t said these words to their child in a moment of sheer exasperation? What you’re really saying is that you are the one in charge and you want the discussion to end. Of course, sometimes ending it abruptly is appropriate and sometimes it’s not. When this phrase is used in an offhand or sarcastic way, or in response to an initial question from your child, it’s much too abrupt. But despite what some people think, “Because I said so” is not necessarily a negative phrase—it all depends on when and how it is said.