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EmpoweringParents.com
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Trapped in a Screaming Match with Your Child? 5 Ways to Get Out Now
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by James Lehman, MSW
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If yelling worked, parenting would be easy, wouldn't it? We’d simply shout, “Do it!” and our kids would comply. But here’s the truth: it doesn't work. I've told parents, “Look, if screaming at our kids was effective, I'd be out of business. You'd just be able to yell at your child and he'd change. Or you'd bring your child to my office, I'd shout at him and call him names for 45 minutes, and then he'd go home and be nice for a week.”
"...Yelling turns you into your child's emotional equal."
When a parent tells me they’re yelling to get their child's attention, I understand—I’m a father myself and I've worked with parents and kids all my life. Let’s face it, it can be frustrating being a parent, and it can be frustrating being a child. Personally, I believe people end up screaming at their kids because they’ve simply run out of other ways to solve the problem. Instead, they rely on power to get the job done. And that works—as long as the other person is weaker than you. But realize that once your child learns to yell back, your shouting will have no effect. And make no mistake, those skills are harder for kids to unlearn than they are to learn.
In my opinion, no parent should get in a screaming match with their child; it gives kids too much power. It also does not help you with the problem at hand, whether it’s getting your child to take out the trash, stop playing video games, or to come home on time. The other danger is that yelling turns you into your child's emotional equal. When you’re out of control, they know it—and for the time you’re in that fight with them, your authority is undermined.
The 3 Things Your Child Learns from Yelling:
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Your child learns that his parents can lose control—and that by pushing the right buttons, he can get you to lose control. Make no bones about it, once you've started using yelling as a behavioral management tool, you’ve told your child everything he needs to know about pushing your buttons.
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Your child learns that power is how things get done. More precisely, he learns that overpowering somebody is the easiest way to get things done.
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Your child learns how to shut you off. Mentally and emotionally, he quickly learns how to stop listening when the yelling starts.
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There are two ways people shut down emotionally during an argument: they either stop paying attention and reject what they’re hearing, or they start yelling back. When people yell, usually they are not feeling anything but anger, hostility or frustration. And during a screaming match, certainly no one is doing much—if any—listening.
Why Shouting Leads to Escalation—and Over-the-Top Consequences
I’ve talked with many parents who think: “If I yell at my child, he'll stop his inappropriate behavior. I'll overpower him.” Parents simply want their kids to do what they ask, and sometimes yelling seems to be the most effective alternative. But here’s the rub: it doesn't teach your child coping or problem solving skills. It doesn't get him to understand the relationship between responsibility and accountability. All it says is, “I'm bigger than you and I'm louder than you and you're going to do what I say.” But after awhile, kids stop listening. By the time a child is ten years old, you hear parents saying things like, “You're grounded for a month,” in order to keep control, because shouting doesn’t work anymore. In effect, they're just trying to get a bigger club every time there’s a conflict to manage their child’s behavior. With pre-teens and teens, a bigger club becomes inefficient and ineffective. At this age, your child is meeting other kids who see their parents as nuisances at best. As your child develops that kind of peer group, it's hard for you to get a bigger hammer— because now your child has nothing to lose: his need to belong is being met by his peers, not by his family.
So again, many parents just resort to upping the ante. They often threaten to ground their child for long periods of time, as I mentioned. But who wants to ground their child for thirty days? That means you’ve got to live with them for thirty days, too. I used to tell parents, “You want to ground your 16-year-old for a month? What, do you hate yourself?” I said this in a joking manner, but it was my way of stating that long, drawn-out punishments don’t work—for the child or the parent. These kinds of consequences are ineffective and often only succeed in getting your child to shut down emotionally. And they certainly do nothing to stop the yelling and arguing between you and your child.
5 Ways to Stop the Yelling in Your Home and Get Your Child to Listen to You
If you want your child to listen to you, I personally think you need a system in your home in which it becomes the child's responsibility to listen to you. Here are five things you can start doing right away to stop the yelling and screaming:
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Use Face-to-face Communication: When you talk to your child, look them in the eye—don’t yell from the kitchen. If you really want to communicate with your kids, shut off the TV and talk to them face-to-face. Don’t yell up the stairs at them. And tell your child that this is the new plan. You can say, “Hey Connor, I wanted to mention to you that from now on I'm going to come in and shut off the TV when we talk. I'm also going to ask you to come downstairs so we can look at each other instead of yelling. That way, we can talk about things face-to-face.” Be sure not to get stuck in a "look at me" power struggle, however; face-to-face does not mean eye-to-eye.
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Develop a Look of Positive regard: Work on having “positive regard.” In other words, wear a positive look on your face when you talk to your child. Your expression should be calm rather than angry or frustrated. Believe me, children will read your face and immediately shut down otherwise. I think it’s important for parents to realize that kids get agitated during emotionally-laden discussions, just like adults do. If your boss calls you in and tells you that you're not going to get something you want, check out how you feel. The difference in your reaction is that you have better coping skills than your child does. I recommend that you work on wearing an expression that does not look angry or frustrated, even when you’re talking about something difficult with your child. There are studies that show that children get upwards of 70 percent of your meaning from the look on your face.
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Use Structure: Time and time again, I’ve seen parents resort to yelling at their kids when they don't have structure. Without structure, each day is different—and the plan is always geared toward what the parent wants (or allows) the child to do next. Requests then become personalized, which creates fertile ground for a power struggle to escalate quickly.
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When you use structure in your home, you immediately have a way of de-personalizing requests. You can simply point to the schedule (and I recommend that you post it in a central location in your home, like the kitchen) and say, “3 p.m.—time to turn off electronics and do your chores.” When kids have structure, they are far less likely to challenge every request you make. They may still moan and groan, but the focus has been taken off of you and placed on the structure you’ve set up.
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Talk to Your Child about Yelling. I always suggest that you talk to your child ahead of time about any changes you’d like to see take place. Pick a nice day when things are going okay. Say, “Oh listen Jessica, I think we’ve been yelling and shouting too much, and it’s just not helpful. I want to work on not doing that anymore. And if you start yelling, I'm going to turn around and walk away, and I'm not going to talk to you for 15 minutes.” And then go on about your duties.
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Say this simply and matter-of-factly. Don't get into any deep discussions or spend a lot of time talking about it. I recommend that you keep it to two minutes. You don't want to process anything or get into emotions. You just want to say it, and then get on with your day.
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Get out of the Argument. I think as a parent, once you’ve reached the stage where you’re in an argument with your child, your job is to get out of it as quickly as possible. The next time your child starts yelling at you, calmly say, “Don't talk to me that way, I don't like it,” and then turn around and walk away.
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That conversation is over for you, and this stops the fight immediately. Know that when you leave the room, all the power leaves the room with you; your child is left to yell at the empty walls. If your child has a tantrum anyway, that’s not your concern—you do not have to engage with him or stay there and watch it.
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The truth is, the earlier we teach kids a broad repertoire of coping and problem solving skills, the less yelling and acting out there will be. Appropriate coping skills include compliance, negotiating, and assertiveness, and they all can be used effectively to circumvent the default mode of shouting and yelling.
Finally, remember that if you're a child living in an environment where parents yell a lot, then yelling is normal in that environment—and a normal kid will learn how to yell back. After all, it seems like the appropriate response. I always recommend that parents make the decision to not yell—and really work on it. Believe me, the screaming matches in your home will die a natural death once you stop engaging in them.
Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and parenting blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com. |
Good sense.
Comment By : Deanna Smith
Once I understood that when I yell what my child understood was "noone was in contol", "the parent is the child's emotional peer" I was able to stop it right then! That was my first lesson after ordering The Total Transformation. What a relief, the screaming has stopped. My child/teen knows that it will not get her what she wants, she removes herself from the situation until she can come back and disscuss it in a normal tone. What a blessing!
Comment By : CB
I almost cried tears of relief when I saw this article in my inbox. Just yesterday my 9 year old told me that I yell to much...and much to my chagrin, I agreed with him. I started to search the web for ways to help with my out of control feelings and was disappointed with what was available. This article could not have come at a better time. I have made a commitment to my family, and more importantly to myself to stop letting my frustration lead to yelling. I grew up in a house where my father ruled by yelling, and you walked on egg shells. I dont want that for my family. Thank you so much.
Comment By : Tab
What about when a mother constantly interjects herself into a father/ daughter discussion and assumes the savior role? The mother uses the excuse that ' you are not being nice', or some such statement. The daughter ends up quoting her mother everytime she thinks she is right and dad is wrong.
Comment By : Joseph T.
What if you child follows you out of the room and continues to yell at you no matter where you go in the house. What if you can not leave the house because your elderly parent is in bed there and must not be left unattended?
Comment By : sk
This is a great article. I have used these techniques in band rehearsals for years. They were modeled by a great band director that I was under. It was expected that he would move to a disruptive member and right through anyone who was in his way. However, there wasn't the yelling or tantrums that we saw other directors have.
My first supervising principal stated that since a number of kids had been through divorce/pre-divorce arguments that they would shut down yelling as it reminded them of their parents heated arguments.
I suscribe to your newsletter because it gives me insight toward modern classroom management stragegies.
Comment By : mightyhorn
This article is terrific and I am working towards this every day. However, what do I do when my three children (ages 7, 5, 5 (twins)) are all "losing it" at the same time? Sometimes I'm yelling so that they can all hear me because they are making so much noise! Also, what do you do when your child follows you?
Comment By : Lauren
This is stuff that I have seen time and time and.... in all my classroom management books: be calm, be fair, be empowered. I have been trying to tell this to my husband, but it took this program to listen to me!!!
Comment By : grantmama55
* Dear SK and Lauren:
Both of you asked a question about what to do when your child continues to follow you around the house when you’ve disconnected, when you’ve made a statement such as “It’s not okay to speak to me that way.” Prepare your child first by talking about this new technique you are going to use the next time things begin to escalate. Let them know that you’re going to stop the discussion when it becomes too loud or emotional so that everyone can calm down. When implementing this, first try to wait it out a bit if your child has a problem disconnecting and follows you. It shouldn’t take long for your child to realize that you’re not going to talk to them until they calm down. But if it does take some time, make a brief statement to coach them to calm down. Don’t talk about the issue or the argument—just they’re behavior. “You need to find a way to calm yourself down. Take a few deep breaths.” (or whatever technique you have observed that helps your child to calm). What you don’t want to do is mention a consequence in this moment because it’s likely to NOT calm the child down. “If you don’t calm down, don’t expect that sleep-over this weekend.” Remember, the goal here is to have the child start to soothe themselves, so threatening will not help. Do your absolute best to be calm in this moment so that your child can learn from your example as they develop their own skills.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
* Dear Joseph T.:
The truth is that many couples encounter conflict because there are differences that exist in their parenting philosophies and approach. What you'd want to strive for is an understanding that those differences will be discussed in private. Communication is the only way to figure out what's important and what you're trying to accomplish and avoid as you raise your daughter. Making the decision to talk about those differences away from the situation bolsters the authority that each of you has with your daughter; It also gives you both a chance to focus on coming to some sort of compromise.
Start with one thing. Arguing in front of your daughter presents a divided front. What you're finding is that your daughter uses that as a way to slip out of taking responsibility. The best way for you to respond to that is to say something like, "This is not about me being nice or mean, it's your responsibility to clean your room." Use a lot of language that includes the word responsibility, and refocus things on the problem at hand. I'd like to include an article by James Lehman that gives some guidelines to parents who are trying to get on the same page. Even though it broadly talks about blended families, the portion I mentioned will be helpful to you. I wish you well.
Comment By : Tina Wakefield, Parental Support Line Advisor
My 13 yr old son lies and truly believes he isnt! He lit a fire in a jar in the basement with matches from a restaurant in Alaska. We had just been on vacation there. He denied using them and said another friend brought the matches over! I told him how amazing that another friend had the EXACT same matches from Alaska. He was sticking to that story! I can NEVER get him to acknowledge his own lying. I caught him taking $ out of my purse, ( I watched him from the hall) and when I walked in he denied it, even though he had $ in his hand. He said it was his money, and he just was looking in my purse for his Ipod. I did not yell. I told him I was disappointed in him. "You should not be. I did not take anything" Help!!!
Comment By : Beth
* Dear Beth:
Thanks for your question. You are not alone. We get a lot of inquiries about how to handle lying. As James Lehman says, “Kids lie to solve a problem.” Frequently that problem is to avoid punishments. Sometimes they lie to ‘save face’--to protect themselves from your disappointment in them or your disapproval. As James states, “Parents should hold their kids responsible for lying. But the mistake parents make is when they start to blame the kid for lying.” If a parent overreacts to lying and becomes extremely negative, highly emotional, or indicates that they think their child is ‘bad’ in these situations, it can actually push a child to keep lying as they’re accused in an attempt to have you think better of them. Probably the hardest thing to do when kids lie to us is to not take it personally. It’s so normal to feel hurt and angry.
Lying is actually an indication that they know they have done something wrong. Their sense of right and wrong is working. (Exceptions: Very young children have problems with fantasy and reality. If you find your child does not seem to ever feel bad about lying or hurting someone, and it seems to be chronic, you may need the help of a professional counselor).
In your situation, when you have witnessed your child’s behavior, such as seeing him take money from your purse, it’s not necessary to make him admit it. You can state what you ‘saw or heard’. “I saw you take money from my purse.” Have a simple consequence for choosing to lie about his behaviors then have a separate consequence for the behavior he was lying about. For example, “You lose your computer time this evening for lying. In addition to that, in order to be able to use your computer tomorrow, you will need to discuss with me what you will do differently the next time you are tempted to take something that is not yours. Review Lesson 6, The Alternative Response Process, to prepare you for that conversation with your child. Long, extended punishments that don’t require your child to practice any skills or to accomplish any goals will not help your child learn to be responsible and accountable.
Remember that your own example of telling the truth in your home is the best way to teach your child your family’s values and how to solve problems without being dishonest. I hope some of these ideas will help you. For more suggestions, read James’ article, Why Kids Lie and What to Do About It. Good luck and keep in touch with us.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Using the aproach of just walking away and not taking the yelling just makes my daughter happy. She gets rid of me and she continues her bad behavior.
Comment By : Richard
* Dear Richard:
Don’t allow your child’s attitude to get to you. Walk away from the argument. Kids use attitude to vent their frustrations, to get us to change our minds or back down. This is why James Lehman says to ignore attitude and focus on the behavior instead. If your child, even with an attitude, complies with your request or obeys the house rules, then there is no reason to give a consequence. We don’t want to give that attitude any power at all and paying attention to it can make it even worse. However, if your child continues to behave badly, is crossing the line into becoming verbally abusive, or is ignoring your requests or house rules, be sure to give a consequence for that behavior choice. We don’t recommend giving consequences right there in the moment. Walk away and then when things are calm use the alternative response process in Lesson 6 to have a problem solving discussion regarding your child’s behavior. If your daughter refuses to sit down and talk with you, you can put her privileges on hold until she has this conversation with you. Don’t forget you can call into the Support Line and talk to the trained professionals for program techniques to help with what you’re working on that day. Keep in touch. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
i need help,my son and i are yelling every morning and every night, i want to cry every day. he calls me names hurtful names i dont know how much more i can take ,help please how do i get him to stop calling me names
Comment By : tammyshep
Last night, my daughter and i got into a screaming match. I just thought it would never end. I was up at 2:00am until 3:30 just listening to her want her way with going to the movies with her friends after school. I ask her to leave my room she would not leave, i ingored her she kept on talking...i laid my head down on the bed and tried to sleep she felt that it was not resolved so she was not going to let me go to sleep until we resolve it. i feel so tired today at work. I feel that she is beyond selfish. I feel so angry with my daugther and i\\\'m at my last straw with her.
Comment By : Marie McMullen
* Dear tammyshep:
This is a difficult but common situation when you find yourself yelling back and forth to your child. Here is where you would use James’ technique #5 in this article--Get out of the Argument. State, without yelling, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it.” You can tell your son that there’s been too much yelling lately. “We’re going to make some changes. I’m not going to yell back and forth with you anymore. If it starts up, we’re going to take 15 minutes to calm down first.” It will be important for you to disconnect from the yelling back and forth so that your son sees that things have changed.
The other issue you mention, name calling, James would call verbal abuse and recommends that you set limits on that behavior too and give consequences for this behavior. Look at this article by James Lehman for help on how to handle verbal abuse. When Kids Get Ugly: How to Stop Threats and Verbal Abuse, Remember, you can call the trained specialists on the Support Line for help and ideas about implementing the program techniques.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
If you like "Trapped in a Screaming Match with Your Child? 5 Ways to Get Out Now," you might like these related articles:
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