8 Parental Rules for Prom Night: Should You Ever Take Away Prom?

By

As spring kicks into high gear, many parents struggle with the anxiety they associate with prom and graduation season. Parents of chronically misbehaved kids might wonder, “Does my child even deserve this privilege?” Other parents are nervous that their child might do drugs, drink, have sex—or all of the above. The high cost of prom and your child’s emotions around attending can cause power struggles and heated fights at home.

In the meantime, you’re still worried about things like peer pressure and driving safety. I remember my own mom saying to me as a teen, “It’s not you I worry about. It’s the other drivers/kids/ parents!” I never believed her (and I still think it really was me that she worried about!) but years later I can see where she was coming from. This brings me to our first rule:

Rule #1: Don’t Project Your Own Anxiety

Be aware of your own heightened anxiety around Prom and graduation season. The pressure can add to any pressure you are already feeling. Be aware of your anxiety and try to stay calm as best you can. Don’t make your child anxious just because you are anxious.

Rule #2: Trust Your Gut

Stand by your gut intuition. You know your child best. If at all possible, it’s best to let your child attend prom and graduation celebrations. However, if you think these events are too much for your child to handle, follow your instincts. If your child was just suspended again for drinking alcohol on school grounds, going to prom might not be a good idea this year. If you know in your mind that his behavior is not up for the challenge of prom at this time, you need to trust yourself. Find a calm moment and listen to that voice inside. James Lehman reminds us to always ask ourselves, “What does my child need from me right now?” It might be for you to allow your child to have some freedom (within limits).

Offer for FREE Empowering Parents Personal Parenting Plan

Let’s recognize, too, that there are some kids who don’t need strict limits and extra supervision. Some kids are able to drive or ride to prom or to a party with friends, abstain from alcohol, and make it home safely and on time. Know your child and take the precautions you think are appropriate, keep them safe, and at the same time acknowledge the legitimate need adolescents have for a sense of belonging and independence.

Rule #3: Ensure Appropriate Supervision

Even for “good enough” children who tend to stay out of trouble, prom night and graduation parties can be a time of increased peer pressure and more plentiful opportunities for bad decisions. Granted, this doesn’t mean your child will definitely turn into a raging rebel. Determine how much supervision you think your child needs. Perhaps a get-together at a well-known friend’s house where the parents are going to be home is okay with you.

If your child’s friends are risk-takers or the parents are a lot more liberal than you as far as parenting goes, then look into another option such as a public venue or your own home. Or, no after-party at all if we’re talking about risky behavior. There is no right or wrong amount of supervision per se—you will need to determine this based on your knowledge of your child and his or her unique behaviors and needs.

Rule #4: Consider Everything in Between

Think about what you’d like to see happen between your house, the prom or party, and then the after-party (if there is one) and home again.

  • Is your child responsible enough to drive others in his (or rather your) car?
  • Do you need to set up transportation by another adult?
  • What other stops will you allow in between locations?
Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package

Consider how your child will get around, and then stand your ground. If the only option you feel you can provide is that you drive your child and his date, but he complains that you are ruining his life and that everyone will laugh at him, recognize this is designed to get you to back down. Don’t. If he doesn’t like it, then he has a choice: Let you drive him, or don’t go at all. (Another option might be for him to rent a limo, if you feel comfortable with that.) If he makes this choice, it’s very different then if you say he can’t go.

Rule #5: Schedule Check-Ins

Depending on your child, this can be as simple as requiring your child to call or text when he leaves point A, when he arrives at point B, to get approval for plan changes, etc. You might also decide to let your child know that you will check in with the parents who are hosting any after-parties and offer them your assistance. These kinds of check-ins aren’t necessarily something you need to do. Again, trust your gut. Does your child need this kind of monitoring? Prom and graduation nights are highly regarded by teens as “special” nights, as rites of passage that are notoriously connected to more risk-taking behavior. If you do check in on your child, try to be subtle. After all, humiliating your child isn’t an effective goal; the goal is safety.

Rule #6: Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

With other parents and adults, that is. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and seek information. You might ask the school what precautions they will be taking during prom and the common “project graduation” which many schools offer. Project graduation is a celebration hosted by the school for a graduating class and is usually intended to provide a safe, substance-free, and supervised celebration for the students. However, it’s not fail-proof. While some schools might do “lock-ins” where the students actually spend the night at the school with chaperones and are not allowed to leave, other schools make off-site visits that are tough to supervise. I can’t stress enough the importance of asking questions. This will allow you to make an informed decision as to what is best for your child.

Rule #7: Have a Plan

While you certainly should have a plan for how you expect the night to go, it’s equally important to decide what types of consequences you might employ if your child disregards or defies your limits and expectations. You don’t necessarily need to communicate exactly what these consequences will be to your child because then that allows to him to weigh his options and decide that he can live with your consequences ahead of time. Therefore, they will lose value. On the other hand, if you keep the consequence plan to yourself, he doesn’t know what to expect and that makes it tougher to disregard them.

Another perk to coming up with a plan ahead of time is that you can more easily be in “business transaction” mode as opposed to “emotional reaction” mode. It’s always most effective to think of consequences as a business transaction because you can be calm, in control, rational, and keep the consequences enforceable. If you wait to determine consequences until after something happens, you will most likely be emotional and your consequences might not be as effective. All your child needs to hear from you is something like this: “If you don’t understand my expectations, now is the time to ask questions. Because if you don’t follow these rules, there will be serious consequences.”

Rule #8: Make Expectation Setting a Habit—Not Just at Prom Time

This is a great time for you to start regular habits. It’s hard to change the rules for prom night, and you shouldn’t have to change your parenting style because of this event. This could be a time for you to start having regular expectations and conversations around it. Expectations and problem-solving should not be a seasonal thing. It’s incredibly important that on a regular basis you talk with kids about your expectations. It’s also important to speak with them about refusal skills, decision-making skills, what to do if they find themselves in a risky situation, the dangers of drinking and driving, and so on. These should be ongoing conversations in your home that are most effectively started while your child is still in elementary school.

When prom time and graduation time comes around, you certainly want to have a refresher discussion about these things and make sure your plan and expectations for “this night” in particular are especially clear. You might even write them down and go over them three months before, one month before, one week before, and the night of. After all, kids learn best by repetition. For most kids, hearing it once might not be enough. If your child refuses to listen to the discussion for the second, third, or fourth time, that’s fine. Put a privilege, like the cell phone or car, on hold until he sits down to revisit this stuff again.

And, speaking of repetition, remember to tell your child exactly what the natural consequences might be. Remind her of the ones you’ve established ahead of time as well. This does require you to anticipate what types of temptations your child could make, but it’s completely doable. Any dangerous behaviors like having alcohol in the car or driving under the influence have serious consequences, like a loss of driving privileges until your child shows you that he can make safe choices for a predetermined period of time. Have a plan that you are prepared to follow through with.

Should You Ever Take Away Prom?

Bottom line for parents: This season is a classic time of worry and headaches for many—it always has been and probably always will be. One of our big sticking points on the Parental Support Line is that if your child is a senior, prom and graduation are two things that they can’t ever get back once they are taken away. James Lehman advises parents to use consequences that are short term, task-oriented, and that motivate your child to perform better in the future. That being said, it is probably most effective to let your child go to prom or graduation parties with some strict limits that are tailored to his or her specific risk-taking tendencies.

For example, if your son has a tendency to drive fast or recklessly, you might see to it that he doesn’t drive on prom night (if he has the driving privileges left at all). Perhaps you transport him, arrange a ride with a friend’s parents, provide money for a cab, ask him to pay for his own limo if he would rather you not drive him, or team up with some other parents to rent a limo for your child and his friends, if you’re lucky enough to have the budget for it. If your child has been caught doing drugs or alcohol, you might consider giving him a stricter curfew, or offer to host a get-together at a local bowling alley after prom as an alternative to a house party.

Any of these choices is better than taking prom and graduation parties away altogether, and better than taking the risk that your child may get into some serious trouble. Just because your child says, “My friends’ parents let them do whatever they want!” doesn’t mean you need to follow suit. But remember, you know your child best. If possible, let him have those life experiences. But if your child is not up to the challenge of prom or a graduation party, then you have to do what you think is best as a parent to keep him safe.

All of this being said, these end-of-year celebrations are part of a meaningful and exciting time for your teen. This time of year marks the beginning of the transition from adolescence to young adulthood, in which it’s your teen’s developmental task to become more independent from you and make decisions on his own. And, as important as it is for your child to be safe, you probably also want your son or daughter to have fun and create lasting memories with their friends, many of whom they might lose touch with once they go off to college.

Try your best to make practical, logical decisions for your child rather than emotional ones. Be proactive, be clear, and have a plan for yourself too—find something to do to help take your mind off the worry that you will be facing when your teen is out celebrating with her friends. Prom and graduation don’t have to mean constant stress. Be confident with your ability to be a proactive and responsible parent and try to have fun, too! No matter what, breathe deep. Be kind to yourself. This is really hard for you, too.

About

Sara Bean, M.Ed. is a certified school counselor and former Empowering Parents Parent Coach with over 10 years of experience working with children and families. She is also a proud mom.

Comments (10)
  • Joyce
    I recently found drug paraphernalia on my son, 4 days before his junior prom. He had plans to go to prom with a date and everyone sleep over at a friends house (boys and girls) where I know there is often drinking permitted (the parents pretend not to know).More I told him he couldn't go to the after prom party/sleepover, and struggled about letting him drive to/from prom, but decided to let him have the car. His junior license requires that he is home by 11. He has threatened to "do what he wants" and I have threatened to call the police on him and his friends if he doesn't comply. I just contacted the mom where the sleepover is to occur and she know nothing about it and said it is not happening at her house. My problem lies with the date (not a girlfriend) and my son's and my responsibility to where she ends up that night. Do I notify this girls parents that a sleepover is planned with guys? Or do I just worry about my son? I feel compelled to worry about my son's date also, yet I don't know her.
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I hear you, and your concern for prom. It sounds like you have taken some steps to communicate your expectations to your son, such as coming home after prom instead of going to the party, and giving him a curfew. In addition, as you have told him thatMore you will call the police if he is not home by 11, I encourage you to follow through on doing that. I understand your worry about your son’s date and where she will go after prom. You can talk with your son, and encourage him to clearly communicate with her about post-prom plans. In the end, it is up to his date and her parents to decide whether she comes home directly after prom as well, or if she makes alternate plans. I hope everything goes smoothly; please be sure to write back and let us know how this goes. Take care.
  • Sage
    We've just taken away prom for my daughter, 'C', because she again lied to us. This time it was about stealing her older sister's clothes. We had told her the last time it happened that we would take prom away if she did it again, and she promised sheMore wouldn't, but she did. This seems very minor, but it is in a long string of lying to our faces, manipulation, broken promises, sneaking around with her boyfriend, having risky sex, and thinking she's getting away with it all. I feel sick about it. I know prom is not something she will ever get back. It is sad. I feel horrible. I wanted to see her dress up and have a good time. My other daughter feels guilty, as if she did something wrong. But it is as if 'C' cannot keep a promise or tell the truth.
  • Christy
    So what if I've had discipline issues this entire school year, and the school indeed said my son could go to prom after all. However, my husband (his step-dad) has said recently he's not paying for him to go. How can I let him go without causing a big argumentMore with my husband about it all? I'd rather just pay for it all and let him go that deal with the fussing with my son. Plus, he's already asked his girlfriend and she's already started getting her dress etc. Nightmare.
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I hear you. It can be so challenging when you disagree with your spouse about something as big as whether your son should be allowed to go to prom. Something that can be useful is to talk with your husband privately during a calm time, and try toMore find common ground. You might start with something as basic as agreeing that prom is a memorable event in the lives of most teens. You can go from there, and try to reach a compromise. You might find some additional helpful tips in “My Blended Family Won’t Blend—Help!” Part I: How You and Your Spouse Can Get on the Same Page. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things go for your family. Take care.
  • JMan
    Hey, so I was wondering if it's okay going to the prom with my really close friend...She is a Senior in high school.I graduated from high last year..Thank you
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      @JMan 

      Thank you for writing in with

      your question.  Because we are a site which is focused on helping parents

      to be more effective with their child, I am limited in the advice I can give in

      your situation.  There is another resource which might be more useful to

      you: http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ 

      When you contact them, you will be connected with a counselor who is specially

      trained to talk with teens and young adults about issues they might be

      facing.  You can reach them via their website, or by calling 1-800-448-3000. 

      They also have options to contact them via text and live chat, if that is more

      comfortable for you.  I hope this has been helpful; take care.

  • Gertrude
    Parenting shouldn't be about controlling and taking away 'privleges' - and kids shouldn't be called 'defiant' for having a different opinion or wanting to have fun. An 18 year-old is very different to an 8 year-old. Just take it easy - relax and stop keeping track of the 'rules' broken.More Talk things out and unlock the cage. Love is all you need! Parenting doesn't have to have an iron-clad structure.
  • Karen Kristine
    We are still struggling with the consequences of our daughter defying our rule of going to her boyfriends home after the "After Prom Party".  She was instructed to come home right after the party and texted us that he was very depressed and she didn't feel safe leaving him thatMore way and would be home in the morning. Party was over at 5:00 A.M. and she came home at 9:30 A.M.  Any advice?
    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      Karen Kristine

      It can be worrisome when your child doesn’t follow your rules

      and come home when she is supposed. It’s good that your daughter did text you

      to let you know she was OK and wouldn’t be home until morning. That is one

      positive aspect of the situation, even though she did break the rule. When

      deciding what type of consequence you should use to hold her accountable, I

      think it can be helpful to look at the situation from a broader perspective and

      take into account your daughter’s usual behavior. If your daughter doesn’t

      usually come home when she is supposed to or stays out past curfew on most

      nights, then perhaps you give her an earlier curfew that’s also connected to a

      loss of a privilege until she is able to come home on time for a specific

      amount of time, as Rebecca Wolfenden describes in her blog http://www.empoweringparents.com/blog/family-rules-and-limit-setting/does-your-teen-break-curfew-how-to-get-your-child-to-come-home-on-time/#ixzz3ZHZKfKJF. Bear in

      mind,  not every acting out behavior or rule transgression requires a

      consequence, especially if the behavior in question is out of the ordinary for

      your child.  If your daughter usually follows the rules and comes home

      when she is supposed to, then it may be more effective to focus on having a

      problem solving conversation with her than on consequencing the behavior. You

      may find this article by Carole Banks helpful for pre-planning that

      conversation with your daughter: http://www.empoweringparents.com/Why-Harsh-Punishments-for-Children-Teenagers-Dont-Work.php#ixzz3ZHbNBbV0. Good luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package
Like What You're Reading?
Sign up for our newsletter and get immediate access to a FREE eBook, 5 Ways to Fix Disrespectful Behavior Now
We will not share your information with anyone. Terms of Use
×