Establishing curfews, and holding your children to them, can often feel daunting, whether it’s because you know your child will challenge it or because you know you will experience some anxiety as you let your older teen stay out later as they get older.

Here are 6 tips that will help you be more comfortable and effective setting curfews.

1. How to Choose a Curfew Time

Every child’s curfew has to match their age and ability—and your trust level with them. Often, parents aren’t sure about how to set a curfew time. And kids are good at playing “little lawyers,” arguing that their friends or cousins are allowed much later curfews.

Talk with other parents or school staff to get a sense of what is happening with other kids their age. Take into account how responsible and accountable each of your children has been during the school year. 

Think about your own comfort level. Consider the precedent you set with your older child (which doesn’t mean you have to stick with it, just be prepared for the inevitable argument).

Come to an agreement with your spouse or partner ahead of time about the correct curfew time for each individual child and the consequences if they come home late. This will help you determine the curfew that is appropriate for each of your kids, and because you’ve done your homework, prepare you to hold firm when they test the limits.

Offer for FREE Empowering Parents Personal Parenting Plan

2. Set Clear Rules

Set and communicate clear ground rules. For example, let your child know that when you say 10 p.m., you mean just that—and not 10:10.

Help them think of things they can do in advance to make sure they won’t be late. For instance, how to clearly communicate their curfew time with their friend who is driving everyone home.

Be clear about what the consequences will be if they break curfew. You do have the power to hold your child accountable for their behavior. You have consequences within your control like access to a car, payment for the phone, access to the computer, etc.

If your teen’s curfew is after your bedtime, tell them that when they come home they need to wake you up to let you know that they are home and safe. Have a clock next to your bed and check the time. This quick “Hello, I’m home” also gives you a chance to look for signs of alcohol or drug use.

3. Hold Your Child Accountable

Hold your child to the exact time. Don’t let them slide into coming home at later and later times. If they do come home late, wait until a neutral, non-emotional time to discuss the situation.

It’s often best to deal with it in the morning. Screaming, arguing, lecturing or nagging because you’re upset will simply make the situation escalate out of control and nothing will be accomplished.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package

When you do talk, keep the discussion focused and to the point. Don’t get emotional, make speeches, or let your child manipulate by engaging you in a long drawn-out discussion. Simply review what should have happened, what your child did wrong, and what the consequences are for this behavior.

It is very likely that there will be times when your child comes home late. You’re going to need to figure out when your child is pushing a limit or whether they actually had a valid reason. Get the whole story and check up on the circumstances. Once you have the details, you can respond accordingly.

Remember, you are teaching your child that he needs to meet expectations—at home, at school, and in the real word—this includes you knowing where he’s supposed to be and when he’s supposed to be there.

4. When to Make Curfew Exceptions

You will want to allow for special events and healthy experiences (like working, social activities, concerts, etc.) that won’t fit neatly into the curfew time; and so, you may need to modify it to match the occasion. For example, when your child with an 11 p.m. curfew wants to attend a concert that gets over at 11:30, it may make sense to stretch the time to match the event.

But, there will also be times when you won’t be supportive of either the event or the stretch in the curfew time. When you say no, it’s likely your child will be disappointed. You may be crushing their plans, but you have a good reason. 

Most times, kids will just be angry and disappointed. But, there may be other times when what your child was asking was really too much for them, and your saying no gives them a way out. Your child can blame their “mean parents” for saying no, while a part of them is quietly relieved.

5. Earning the Right to a Later Curfew

Don’t be surprised if your child wants you to be more lenient with their curfew. It’s fine to hold firm, but, there may be times when you want to give your child a chance to prove themselves.

You can tell your child:

“If you meet curfew three times in a row that shows me you can act responsibly and follow the rules. If that happens, I’d be willing to have a discussion about changing it. But, first, you have to follow-through.”

Then, if your child shows you they can be trusted, you can add some time to the curfew.

Let your child know that if they don’t follow through, you’ll have to reassess the curfew, likely making it earlier. If that happens, tell them they can work their way back—it’s up to them to earn your trust again.

6. Consequences Teach

Setting curfews and consistently and calmly following through on consequences teaches children that there are rules and expectations in this world: they are accountable to those rules and to the people who set them, and they need to behave in a way that shows they can be trusted.

When the going gets tough, keep in mind that you are helping your children become responsible members of society.

Related content:

10 Things You Are (and Aren’t) Responsible for as a Parent

How to Give Kids Consequences That Work

About

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program, The Complete Guide To Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™.

Comments (5)
  • Gee3
    This is something I struggle with as a single parent of a 15 year old boy. Every weekend he wants to either stay over at his friend's house, or stay out later than the time I set him. He bombards me with begging text messages, which I get drawn into,More rather than ignoring him. It's highly frustrating and angers me to the point of sometimes swearing at him to stop texting me. I get angry at myself for getting so wound up, but it's so annoying and happens every single weekend. I just wish he would respect my authority.
  • jaycol8799

    I just want to give a big thank you for this site.

    I signed up 2 days ago and have already recognized the value being offered.

    Again, thank you so much for your time which lifts the weight of (i'm sure) many, many concerned parents in today's challenges.

    It is definitely a new, more dangerous world this generation is a part of.

    Anxiety is the dominant factor for the parents.

    Thanks again

    Lisa Quinlan

  • kate1967
    I have a very troubled 14 year old daughter.  I read the above article and mentally ticked off each of the things in it, having already done them.  Unfortunately, my daughter ignores curfews, consequences don't seem to work (I carry them out but it makes no difference).  Her behaviour appearsMore to be abnormally extreme eg. she is violent towards me, bullies her younger sister, is very angry if she is told 'no', and recently I have caught her with alcohol and cannabis!  She has also self harmed for the last 2 years and overdosed several times.  The Police have become fairly regular visitors after she goes missing or assaults me, and it seems that no matter what I try nothing works.  She refuses to talk to anyone about what's causing her to feel this way.  I think she is either depressed or some other problem, but because she refuses to talk to any counsellor etc., we go round in this awful circle - I have to lock all windows and doors to stop her escaping at night, I now have a safe where I keep medicines, alcohol, knives, money etc., it's hell for everyone in the house.
  • joanna68
    What about curfews for college age kids that are home on weekends, breaks or summer vacation?  My 19 year old daughter thinks that when she is home from school we should not have any authority over her any longer, especially with curfew.
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      joanna68 

      You ask a great

      question, and it’s one that we receive quite often.  For many parents of

      young adults, it can become tricky because ultimately, if they want to stay out

      all night, they have the right to make that choice.  On the other hand,

      you have the right to set the rules of your house and expectations for those

      who are staying there.  When determining what those rules should be, it

      can be helpful to think of your daughter as a houseguest as James Lehman

      explains in his article http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules-Boundaries-and-Older-Children.php.  For example, with a guest, you

      might have an expectation that she will call if she won’t be home that night,

      or you could let her know that if she’s not home by a certain time, she needs

      to sleep somewhere else that night.  Or, you might decide not to have a

      curfew, as long as she isn’t being disruptive or noisy when she comes

      home.  Whatever you decide, we recommend talking about this with your

      daughter during a calm time and clearly laying out the expectations while she

      is staying at your home.  Thank you for writing in; please let us know if

      you have any additional questions.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package
Like What You're Reading?
Sign up for our newsletter and get immediate access to a FREE eBook, 5 Ways to Fix Disrespectful Behavior Now
We will not share your information with anyone. Terms of Use
×