Just after my daughter turned 2, her father and I separated and divorced; he was abusive and drank too much. When my daughter was 3 her father lost his visitation privileges as a result of his continued violent and abusive behavior. He had passed up many ‘supervised’ visits throughout the year so it came as somewhat of a relief.
I have two older step children that are my daughter’s half-brother and half-sister. When I had first met them, one of their deepest pains they shared with me was the vague knowledge/memory they had of not seeing their father for a period of time when they were younger.
Through the insights of my step children, I already knew an ‘Absent Parent’ deeply wounds the emotional wellbeing of a child consciously or subconsciously. I realized this circumstance could have a negative effect on my precious daughter as well.
I decided to educate myself. I had the good fortune to speak with a child trauma expert. Without going into great detail, I did share the age of my child and the situation. The main thing she felt I needed to know was to not say the absent parent was sick. She explained that my child would worry about the absent parent’s health. She recommended I tell my child that her father had ‘problems’ and that when he gets better “someone will call and you can see him again.” That was so easy to remember I did not even have to write it down! Then I waited.
It took about one year for her to notice she had not seen her dad. At 4 years old she came to me and said “I think my dad is dead.” I said “who told you that?” She said “nobody, I just figured it out.” I picked her up, carried her into her room and we both had a good cry. Thereafter I explained that her father had problems and that when he got better someone would call and she couldsee him again. She had very thoughtful questions for me:
“Do they know our phone number?”
“Yes, we have had this phone number a long time.”
“Does he know where we are?”
“Yes, he has been here and he knows where we are.”
I did explain someone would call for him because he was not my friend anymore and could not call my home, but that he would always be her Dad and she could still be friends with him and that it was up to her and him to work that out, when the time came. Then she waited.
Not long after this conversation, she told me she was starting to forget what he looked like. I then called her pediatrician and asked if I could give her a picture of her Dad. They felt that would do no harm but suggested that maybe it was getting to be time for a counselor. After several months of therapy, the counselor explained that my daughter’s only problem was the absent parent; otherwise she was emotionally healthy.
It took 3 years for my daughter’s father to become available again and another 2 years for him to agree to a healthy reunification plan, which was designed by her counselor. Visits started at another family counselor’s office, then progressed to a family member’s home (with graduating amounts of time) and now for the first time in 7 years the visits are ‘unsupervised’ for less amounts of time. My daughter is now 9 and all the wiser.
Let me be very clear … she is happy to have her father back in her life again; it is a natural desire for any child. It serves no one to fight this. There have been too many moments when my daughter saw another daddy swinging his little girl in the air where she had to handle the longing in her heart. She knows nothing of the ugliness of what happened before. At her age, she need not know. I did not want her scared or stressed when the time came for her to see him again. There is a big difference in dropping off a child who is ‘happy’ to go, rather than having to fight or struggle to ‘make’ a child go with the other parent, especially if they are frightened.
There is so much in between these lines that she and I have gone through but trust me, I would not do anything any differently regarding this topic. I am thankful of the fact that I stayed out it and did not put my issues into her innocent mind. I want her to become the person she is destined to be, and not a victim at the end of a rope of pain. I am very respectful of her relationship with her father on her behalf.
I recognize I can not control whatever course this story will take, but I can choose to influence my child’s life in a positive, respectful manner. The high regard I have in my heart for my daughter empowers me to treat her wishes with respect and the maturity to see that this is her one chance at a childhood. As her most significant role model, I want her to see her mother as a strong and gracious woman.
Long Distance Parenting: How to Stay Connected When Your Child Lives Far Away
Divorce and Kids: Managing Your Child’s Behavior When the Family Breaks Up
Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher
Empowering Parents welcomes Julia Clark to the Parent Blogger team! Julia is the single mother of an 8-year-old girl. She is presently also caring for her gently aging father. Julia has two older stepchildren, a boy and a girl in their twenties, from her first marriage. She is also five years into her second blended family with her fiancé and his three children, a 12-year-old boy, a 15-year-old girl and an 18-year-old boy. “With three generations at home, it’s always busy,” says Julia.
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I am just here because i have a nephew that has addicted parents, in care of his other grandmother. She does allow visit with him. However, recently she says he has been acting out after coming home. She is insinuating that we are the cause. I understand her struggle my daughter was hard to deal with when she would come home from her other parents. However, i knoe that was because she didn’t know when she would see him again.
Anyway, I’m here to say.. this is exactly what you should be doing. My daughter was 2 when i left because of the addiction of other parent. I did tell her that they had a serious problem that had nothing to do with her and that they loved her the best they could. I struggled to let her go spend time with them but i did because she loved them and she wanted to. It would typically be one night every other weekend… the parents lived right next door so this helped knowing they were there. They never got off drugs was a constant struggle. I talked with my child about i would come and get her if she ever needed or was scared. I talked to her about always going to grandparents if she felt in danger. I also never “made” her go. I always let the two of them work that out. Anyway so when my daughter was 20 her parent passed away. She had not been unscathed but she has done better than most children in that situation. They grow they see the problems. It’s just important you help them understand those problems have nothing to do with them or the love the parent has. I admit i didn’t always feel he loved her as he should, but it wasn’t a lie to say he loved her the best he could. They love their parents regardless and telling them anything except their parents love them is hurtful and unhelpful.
to make a long story short. my wife and I went through a divorce that progressively got worse as time went on. in 2020 the courts ordered her 4 hours a week of supervised parenting time. she exercised only 31% of that time over the course of the year. mix that with a few other inappropriate things over the course of that year, the courts granted me relocation. we have relocated quite literally across the country. she has made even less effort to do zoom calls as supervised parenting time. now my son has started coming home saying that he has been crying on the playground at recess because he misses his mom so much. I believe him and do my best to listen to what he says and I give him an outlet to fully speak his mind but everything he says other than that moment and everything he does is contrary to that. he is the most loving and happiest kid and he is doing great in school according to his teacher and the counselor at the elementary school. the only thing I can think of is that he is mad that his mom wont make an effort but he is sad because he doesn't want to be mad at her.
I don't know. sorry if this is a little jumbled and hard to follow. I'm just reaching out for other opinions so I don't miss anything. he deserves to have a "normal" childhood.
I need help. I have 4 children My 4 year old by personality already is very imaginative and in his own world . We left his father because of drug addiction and physical violence . He is the only child that was there when the physical violence was accusing . 18 months old when we left . Since then he has only had a handful of time of “hanging out “ with his dad . His father would then shortly after relapse and no contract for 3 or so months then pop back up . It has now been 9 months with no seeing or speaking to his father . I am finally divorced ( abandonment) and my son even has a n amazing father figure that raises him over the past 9 months but still my son speaks about his father weekly if not daily . When he is taught something new it’s “ dads name showed him that too” a good dinner reply is “ all three of my parents are good cooks insert dads name “ sees a truck “ my dad drove with me in a big truck “ etc
I love his father deeply but am choosing my life and the life’s of my children instead of him . To this point I’ve always been so positive and supportive when he says his name .
Currently I am at my limit . I can not hear that mama name again . I can’t handle all the great stories 90% that didn’t happen . For my cptsd I’ve reach my breaking point . Why do I tell him about his dad ? Get him to stop talking about him ?
The conversation with my 7 year old was handled and understood . But he is 4 , I’m so worried about the effect of this knowledge . Most important question : do you think there is something mentally wrong or syndrome he is experiencing?
Thank you for reaching out. Your situation is outside the scope of what we are able to offer coaching or advice on. I encourage you to see what types of local supports are available for you and your family. If you have concerns there may be an underlying issue affecting your son, the first step would be making an appointment with his primary care provider and sharing your concerns. His doctor would be able to determine if further testing is called for as well as make a referral.
We appreciate you being part of the Empowering Parents community. Take care.
My little girl is soon to turn 6 and her whole
Life she has had a relationship with her dad. We split up when she was just about to turn 3 and ever since he has taken her for at least one night a week. I was even fully supportive when he moved in with a new partner who had a daughter of similar age. My daughter would then spend time with them as a family on her days with daddy. Then they had a little boy who has just turned one. His mother always takes the two kids together so they have a relationship which I am very grateful for. He has now split up with the mum and since then he hasn’t really bothered taking an interest in paying for or spending time with my little girl. I am so sad for her because I feel like this is going to mess her head up. I have tried reaching out to him countless times and he will not return my calls or reply to my messages. I have no clue what to do this is breaking my heart!
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Thank you for this post and for all of these comments.
I am in a very, particular situation because I am not only going through something similar to all of you, but I am a social worker myselfor. I have been trying to counsel myself through this... but it's different when you're in the middle of it.
I had been with my ex since my daughter was 5 months old, she is now 4. Our relationship was never perfect, and by that I mean he was a heavy drinker and very abusive in many ways... just not in the outright raising his fist for me to realize what was happening. I have been deeply in love with this man for 4 years, and let his abuse, neglect and cheating ways slide in ways I'm not proud of, especially as a person in my field.
Unfortunately, early this year I found out more about what he needed (sexually), that I could not accommodate. Long story short, despite my efforts and attempts to look to please him, he ended up cheating again anyway. This time it was serious, he fell in love with a woman who could please his needs, who also happened to be married with two children. After my continued atempts to make it stop, and even his suggestion for counseling, it was clear that it was over. It wasn't until the last few months I have been able to clearly see how toxic the relationship has been for me.
However, now leaves my poor daughter. My daughter, who absolutely adores her dad, who lights up when he's in the room. He finally moved out late July even though we split in March, and she asks for him several times a day. She hung a picture of us in her room and says morning and night to him daily. He stopped drinking right as he left (thankfully), and comes to see her a few times a week.
My problem now is, do I let it continue. She adores him, even though it kills me to have him around I know it's best for her to have her dad. Unfortunately, he continues to be with this woman, and is planning a future with her now that she is in the process of divorce. There has obviously been a lot behind the scenes, and I (based or not), know that the character of this woman is not what I want my daughter around. I don't want how their relationship began to be an example for my daughter. And he has admitted now that even though he has yet to meet her kids, in the future he won't be able to be as stable of a Father figure for my daughter as he is now.
Doing what I do for a living, I know the effects of abandonment have on a child. I don't want her to feel neglected, or less than because he's choosing her children (or a new child of his own), over her. I don't want her to feel more pain that humanly possible.
So what do I do? Cut him off now, and do my best to help her deal with the heartbreak now? Or let her have her dad for a little while longer and let him dwindle off into the sunset and very possibly let her develop all the issues I know are likely. (By the way... he says he can't figure anything out now, and he will deal with it as it comes.. his favorite thing to say about everything he doesn't have an answer for)
I’m so sorry about the situation you are in right now with
your ex, and the potential impact on your daughter. Ultimately, the
choice about what you should do about your ex, and his relationship with your
daughter, is going to be yours. As Julia notes in the blog above, it can
be very useful to work with local supports to help you make the best decision
for your family. You make a great point that it’s very different when you
are the one in the middle of a situation. As I’m sure you realize from
your line of work, sometimes working with a neutral third-party can help you
gain perspective on the best course forward. If you need assistance
locating someone in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize what a difficult situation this must be for you, and I wish you all
the best moving forward. Take care.
So glad I came across this page!
After a good 2 years of searching for advice and getting nowhere, a glimmer of hope!
My daughters father is mentally ill and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.
Not long after my daughter was born and before her fathers diagnosis he became extremely ill (paranoid and delusional) and we were being seen daily by a community psychiatric team but during this time there was a serious incident in which he behaved inappropriately with our daughter. Our daughter was not harmed but his behaviour was deemed as criminal and was he was then effectively banned from her life until she reaches 18 (is what I'm told will be the most likely scenario) I no longer wish for contact with him and haven't since that day but am left with a very clever, sensitive little girl who is now 3yrs old. She has previously told people her daddy is dead. This is partly because she has always been told that her daddy is in hospital as he has a poorly head.
I really fear for her mental stability and I am struggling to find the right way to go about ensuring she gets the best possible support in managing this awful situation!
I’m so sorry to hear about everything you and your children
have gone through, and the issues you have faced with your ex-husband as a
result of his choices. As pointed out in the blog above, it tends to be
most effective to be honest with your children in an age-appropriate way.
It can also be beneficial to use some local supports, such a child or family
therapist or support group, to help both you and your children work through
this situation. If you are not currently working with anyone, try
contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. 211 is a service which connects people to available
resources in their community. I wish you and your family all the best as
you continue to move forward. Take care.
Thank you for writing in. I can hear how much you care
about your daughter, and do not want to hurt or overwhelm her with your entry
into her life. It sounds like you have been working closely with local
supports on how best to introduce yourself. It could be useful to consult
with them about what you might say in these letters as you work on getting to
know your daughter, as well as allowing her to get to know you. I
recognize how difficult this must be, and I wish you and your daughter all the
best as you continue forward. Take care.
I’m so sorry to hear about all that has happened with your
son’s ex-wife, and how that has impacted your family, especially your
granddaughter. I think you are on the right track in seeking out support
for yourself and your son so you can help your granddaughter. One
resource you might try is the 211 Helpline. 211 is a service which
connects people with resources in their community, such as counseling, support
groups and other services. You can reach them by visiting their website http://www.211.org/ or by calling 1-800-273-6222. I
recognize how challenging this must be for you all, and I wish you and your
family all the best moving forward. Take care.
@4yr old dad drug addict
I’m so sorry to hear about the behavior you are witnessing
from your son, along with the substance abuse his father is engaging in.
Tantrums and aggression are common coping methods for young children when they
are feeling upset, scared or overwhelmed, as they tend to lack the verbal
skills and emotional maturity to work through these emotions appropriately.
As noted in the blog above, it could be useful to work with local resources to
help your son to work through this situation, as well as to provide you with
additional support. If you need assistance locating supports in your
community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at
1-800-273-6222. I recognize how difficult this situation must be for you
and your son, and I wish you all the best as you continue to move
forward. Take care.
My daughter just turned 3. She's asked 2xs now in 2 months "where is my daddy?" The first time was a day after she saw her paternal grandmother & aunt, the 2nd time was after seeing a Playmate's daddy. Here's the problem... When my daughter was 6 months her 41 yr old father was arrested at his business for sex w/a minor.. He admitted to me he cheated on me w/a 16 yr old cheer student of his, I made it clear our relationship was over but I could not afford to move my 2 kids back to FL, before his trial I found out about other minors he had cheated on me with. We sold the business, and I made him leave when my daughter was 1 yr old. He's been in prison since she was 1.5 yrs old. He will be released in 2.5 more years, he will have strict supervised visitation at a facility and will be a registered sex offender for life. He was on the news & his photo/name plastered on Internet for my daughter & her friends one day to all see! He sends her cards, I put them away without mention. Ib don't want her to be ashamed of a convict father, I don't want her to think jailtime is normal & accepted, I don't want her to tell people her daddy is in jail.... What do i tell my daughter???
His letters refer to his time away " a vacation! " she is way too young and i am not ready for this. Down the road is so many hurdles.."why can't my daddy go to my school? Or to a park or ANYWHERE FUN Where kids go! This is a nightmare. He was a decent stepfather to my son for 16 years and now his poor daughter has this to deal with this for her childhood. Please help...
I can only imagine how distressing this situation must be
for you. It’s understandable you want to protect your daughter from the
possible negative fall out of her father’s choices. The truth is, it isn’t
always possible to protect our children from all that might come their way.
And, trying to protect them may actually do more harm than good, as Janet
Lehman explains in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/are-you-doing-too-much-for-your-child/. The choices that her dad has made are
now public knowledge and she will most likely find out about them at some
point. From what you have written, it also sounds like she will have visitation
with him when he does get out of jail. This doesn’t mean you have to tell her
everything now at 3. You may find, however, that trying to keep her from the
truth of who her father is may cause more issue. As she gets older, it would
probably be more beneficial to find an age appropriate way of telling your
daughter that her dad made poor choices that ended up with him being in jail.
It may be helpful to find a counselor or therapist who specializes in children
with absent parents. S/he may be able to help you come up with a plan for
telling your daughter the truth about her father in an age appropriate way that
you are comfortable with. The 211 Helpline would be able to give you
information on counseling services in your area. You can reach the Helpline 24
hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can also find them online at http://www.211.org/. I know this is a tough situation to be
in as a parent. Best of luck to you and your daughter moving forward. Take
I have a five year old daughter Mara Anne I have not seen her now since December 2015 after having a serious argument with her mother.
I'll start this as it is a long story sorry!.
I was bad always kept out of Maras life from the second she was conceived, I always had to fight to be involved I was a sod always reacting negatively to situations that I could have acted better to.
Mara was a year old and I unfortunately went to jail for an altercation I had I served two years my ex already hated me and now this so I know she really resented me not just her her family hated me too. It took five months of begging to get her to bring mara to see me I was glad when she did.
I was released I cut off old friends that had a negative impact on my life I moved to a different part of the country I changed my life stopped being who I had become, I changed.
No matter what I done it wasn't good enough I would go weeks without a call months upto 7 to 9 months without seeing my daughter, clearly I would react to this. I am only human my ex would promise me phone calls I would never get this would go on for week's yet again I'd react. Only to be told by my family I'm being manipulated into these situation's in order to get a reaction, it was all about control, what control I was blinded by the wood, I should have known better. Yet I'd only do it all the more never learning.
My family told me not to contact my ex how was I supposed to do that that would mean giving up on Mara and I didn't want that.
Then in 2015 Mara was given a phone yes she maybe to young yet she already had an ipad so as long as she is supervised I had no arguments as I seen that it would improve my contact with Mara, it didn't.
Visits were sporadic never frequent the last time I seen Mara Anne was December 2015.
I met my ex and daughter took her shopping for clothes and shoes then we went for a bite to eat the day was going well.
In a bar my ex was ordering food I asked where mara had lost her phone, as her mother said she had lost it, she replied it's in mommy's bag. I then asked why hasn't she replied to all my messages on what's app on facetime and on Tango she showed me her phone and all the messages I had sent were not there so clearly they had been deleted.
I was angry what did this mean why do that.
So I bit my tongue alday until I could no more, I'd just gone three months without seeing mara and all through those three months I asked to see her I begged to see her, so all those texts I sent one everyday for week's, month's. Had all been deleted I reacted I started shouting I made my ex cry, I was disappointed in myself as my daughter Mara had seen this. They both left I wouldn't speak to mara for nearly three months as I was told she hated me even sending an audio message on WhatsApp saying so, what five year old has the presence of mind to do so. Clearly my ex put her upto it I believe.
Up until 6 weeks ago contact resumed via video calls.
I spoke to Mara one weekend everything was fine then in the space of three days for no given reason I was blocked on what's app also on facetime I could not get hold of my ex so I was worried now thinking something had happened.
I had done nothing no arguments all accept one text where I was asking if I could see mara I wasn't nasty or anything just simply totally shut out so as you can gather I was worried I got a friend who lived near to my ex to contact her number as I couldn't get through at this same point I phoned my daughter on Tango and got through she was at home with her grandad she started crying mommy won't let me see you its easter and I want to see you daddy I asked why she hadn't replied to my messages both on WhatsApp and facetime to be told grandad and mommy have been deleting them at this point her grandad appeared I heard him say ya mam said no talking to him and hung up the phone a few seconds later Mara called back I asked what's going on she was beside herself so I said put your grandad on I knew it was not a good idea. Anyway Dave came on he said, "I dont want to talk to you after, what happened before Christmas you upset my daughter and I just want to wring your neck",
Could you blame him I said "don't talk to me like that", all I said, at which point he hung up the video call or at least thought he had the video was off but I could still here mara crying and her grandad saying your daddy has just threatened grandad, I could hear him clearly on the phone talking at that moment to my ex saying yeah Lyndon just threatened me at this point I'm shouting down the phone, "what you mean, no I never, I never threatened you", to which I was told "oh go away" by Maras grandad, the call was ended.
I was at the time at my sisters I had people witness this I did not once make a threat two minutes later my ex rang my phone telling me who do I think I am threatening her dad to which I shouted I didn't she made some threats herself and hung up.
In the intervening week I made one attempt at contact and was ignored now what I don't get is why my ex partners father lied In such a way I don't understand it.
It's been 6 weeks now and not one bit of contact I am at a loss as to the whole situation with what happened I feel I've been manipulated and not only by my ex and her family is involved also makes me wonder what has been said yeah I have been bad I know that I have only reacted to situations my ex partner has made no matter how much I pointed out the things she was doing she only did it even more.
Not only have I been shut off my own aunty has been as well she's done nothing!.
I just don't understand what it is all about I've changed well made changes yet for all the wrong's I've done I've tried to make right.
All that has happened, I said would happen and it hurts me because I want to be a dad to my daughter Mara Anne only for all this to transpire I could put so much more as to the whole story I feel I'm being deliberately alienated from my own daughter yet I don't understand why I've made mistakes yes does this mean this should happen.
Thanks for the response, at one time I was taking legal action as I was getting legal aid at the time yet my ex convinced me that thing's would change as she could not afford the solicitors fees and I dropped the case. Things were good for a few months then once the case was ended things went back to normal she was usual self being difficult and limiting my involvement to Mara. I am unemployed at the moment so going back to court is beyond my means and as things stand now legal aid is no longer available in the UK in regards to family courts. So I feel like I can do nothing accept wait till Mara grows up and look forward to her wanting to see and talk to me. I can do no more as it's making me Ill with worry it upsets me that I'm being shut out of Mara's life it's not my choice it's my ex partners I feel she will be telling Mara contrary to what is actually happening and this has just come to a head now. I expect my ex's next move will be to fill Mara's head with lies about me in order to fully alienate me I just feel so helpless and I'm at a loss banging my head against a brick wall
I have a 4 year old son. His father left me when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, while I was hospitalized. He moved away. He has primary custody and I have visitation. I left a lucrative job and moved 300 miles so I could live two miles down the street and teach in my son's district. His father is not strict and I try to set some boundaries, which is hard because I miss my son so much I want to spend the days I have him happily. Of course, I know in the end it is better for my son if I stick to my guns, but lately when I put my foot down I get, "I want to go home. I miss Daddy."
It kills me. Every time. Tonight it made me cry and my son wiped my tears and said, "I love you too, Daddy just lets me watch my videos whenever I want."
And there is the problem. He wants the permissive parent. Even thought I'm the "part time" parent (let's not talk about the guilt I feel over that) I don't get the luxury of being the permissive one. It sucks and it hurts and it is obviously starting to rub me too raw, hence the crying.
I don't know how to handle this in a healthy way.
This sounds like an incredibly challenging situation for
both you and your daughter. I understand your desire to answer your
daughter’s questions, while also wanting to protect her both physically and
emotionally. If you haven’t already done so, a good first step might be
to check in with your daughter’s doctor. S/he might be able to provide
local referrals to work directly with you and your daughter to answer her
questions in an age-appropriate way. Another option might be to contact
the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. 211
is an information and referral service which connects people to available
resources in their community. I appreciate your writing in for support,
and I wish you and your daughter all the best moving forward. Take care.
So, I dont have a kid, or anything, Im just someone who has had to deal with an absent parent, Im not going to say this article helped me tremendously, because it just doesnt work like that... I just find comfort in knowing Im not the only one who has an absent father, my dad has never been in my life, ever, and it hurts, more than anything in the world... Its selfish, but just knowing that others understand this pain helps, even if its just a little bit. No one who is in my family, or group of friends has this issue, some of them have divorced parents, but they get to see them every week or every other week, etc. But when you have a parent who basically makes clear they dont want you, it is incredibly worse. Im not trying to be a downer, I just have been feeling down on the subject lately, and wanted to voice my opinion, I hope someone reads this and knows that theyre not alone too.
I have an almost 3 year old little boy. His dad decided he wanted a divorce when he was 1. I won 90% custody in court as a result of his dad's drinking/drug use and moved back to live with family across country( there was no way I could have afforded to stay there). His dad comes once a month to visit. Recently, my son is very upset when his dad leaves. His dad says he is flying home and is kinda dramatic about how long his flights are and his discomfort. I am very grateful he comes to visit and feel things are going well for the most part. I am just concerned for the sadness/anger my son has when his dad leaves. I want to make sure I am emotionally supporting him and never making the transition more difficult. I am looking for advice on what to say/not to say to our son. Thanks in advance!
I can tell how much you care about your son and want the
best for him. I also hear how concerned you are for your son
and his emotional well-being around these visits from his dad.It’s common for young children to have a
difficult time adjusting to changes in their routine.It’s also normal for kids your son’s age to
lack coping skills to deal with emotions such as anger, loss and sadness.As Julia points out in the blog above, it can
be useful to work with local supports, such as a counselor, to help both you
and your son make the transition when his dad comes to visit and when he has to
leave.You can ask your son’s doctor for
ideas or referrals in your community, or you can try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.I recognize how difficult this is for you and
your son, and I wish you both the best as you continue to move forward.Take care.
It can be tough on kids when parents separate or divorce
from their partner/spouse, even when the person is not the child’s biological
parent. It may be helpful to touch base with her doctor or primary care
provider to discuss the changes that have happened since the separation. You
can share with him/her your concerns and s/he would be able to rule out any
other underlying issues that may also be having an adverse effect on her
behavior. It’s going to be important to try to establish a structure the two of
you can follow, as James Lehman suggests in the article Divorce and Kids: Managing Your Child’s Behavior When the Family Breaks Up. It may be beneficial as well to
talk with a counselor about how to talk with her about the recent changes that
have occurred in your family. It may even be helpful for your daughter to speak
with a counselor as being able to work directly with someone can be
constructive in helping a child deal with separation and the resulting
transition that occurs. The http://www.211.org/
would be able to give you information on local resources, such as counselors,
support groups, and other community programs. You can reach the Helpline 24
hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. Good luck to you and your daughter as
you move forward through these tough circumstances. Please feel free to check
back to let us know how things are going or if you have any further questions.
MomMom S I am sorry your grandson is having to experience such
inconsistency in his young life. Continued expectations that only end in
disappointment may impact a child’s perspective of the world. I can hear
how worried you are about not only how this is affecting him now, but also what
long term effects it may have. Ultimately, the decision on whether or not
visits with his mother should be suspended for the time being is one only those
in charge of his care can make. You and your son would know your grandson
better than anyone else and would be in the best position to make choices
concerning his welfare. If there is a court ordered visitation agreement
in place, it would be beneficial to speak with legal counsel to ensure
any changes made wouldn’t be in breach of that agreement. We wish you and your
family the best of luck moving forward. Please continue to check in to let us
know how things are going. Take care.
Hi, I stumbled upon this article looking for comfort. I am living
with my boyfriend who has a child and we hope to get married in the near
future. His son is great and a really good kid. With my personality I am naturally
nurturing so it was easy to get into a routine where I can look after him and
take care of him when he is with us. We will have a good week with him and then
when he goes to his mothers’ house and we see him again it is like I have to
start at ground zero again. He will ask his dad if his mother is moving back in
and become distant towards me. I know he is just a kid going through a tough
time but I feel like it’s my fault that his parents won’t be together again. Do
you have any advice for what a bonus parent (step parent) could do in this
situation? I love my boyfriend very much and I have had a hard life and he is
the best thing that could ever happen to me. Is there anything I can do when
his son misses his mom and doesn’t want me around at times?
You ask a great question. It can be tough when a child is
upset and a parent or stepparent isn’t sure how to help him. Divorce can be
tough on kids. Kids are also rather resilient and are able to adjust to the
changes that take place. From what you have written, it sounds like he is
able to work through his feelings on his own given time. And, it doesn’t sound
as though it’s having a negative affect on his behavior other than to act
detached when he first comes back. Giving him time he needs to adjust and
transition is probably going to be the best way of helping him. One thing that
can be helpful is by having a transition plan that can be implemented when he
first comes back. There are many different ways to do this, such as allowing
him some time alone in his room or doing a calm, quiet activity that will allow
him to ease back into your home and your routines. Carrie and Gordon Taylor
offer some other useful tips for stepparents in their article Blended Family? The 5 Secrets of Effective Stepparenting. I encourage you to check
out their article to see if there are more ideas you can utilize in your
blended family. I hope this helps to answer your question. Be sure to check
back and let us know how things are going. Best of luck to you and your family.
I hear you. It can be so upsetting when your child says
something mean or hurtful. Something that is important to keep in mind is that
at such a young age, your son really doesn’t understand the impact of his
words. It’s going to be important not to give too much power to his words by
personalizing what he says, as Carole Banks suggests in the article http://www.empoweringparents.com/do-you-personalize-your-childs-behavior-when-he-disobeys-you.php. Unfortunately, you’re not going
to have much control over what his dad says or what happens at his house. It
will be more effective to focus on what you do have control over, namely the
culture of accountability you develop in your own home, as James Lehman
discusses in the article http://www.empoweringparents.com/disneyland-daddy.php. I hope this information is useful for your situation. Be sure to
check back if you have any other questions. Take care.
Please help. - How to help kids be happy with an absent parent and not fall in to the statics ?
What can I do? He is angry his dad isn't here and dislikes his colour and back ground, he doesn't think he is handsome and he dislikes his dad. How can I help him through this and make him happy with him and find a suitable male role model?
You ask a great question. Many people who are in the
position of raising a child when one or both parents aren’t in the picture have
similar concerns. I think it can be helpful to understand that you can help a
child develop skills to cope with this difficult situation but you can’t really
control whether another person, child or adult, is happy. The above blog gives
some great tips for what someone can to do help a child cope with an absent
parent. Another blog you may find helpful is In the Helping a Child Cope with an Absent Parent.
We appreciate you writing in. Please let us know if you have any other
questions. Take care.
This mom shows a lot of courage and love - that's for sure. I have a slightly different problem. My 13 year stepdaughter was removed from her biological mother several years ago (the mother's had all of her children removed by the courts) due to persistent abuse and neglect. The mother allowed her boyfriend to sexually and physically abuse my stepchild when she was very little in exchange for drugs.
Now my child (as I consider her to be) is suddenly creating a fantasy life of her mom - "remembering" non existent birthday events, for example, but "forgetting" the trauma of what life was like before age 6. We have always told her that her mom is ill with a disease called addiction and that one day we hope her mom will get better and be able to see her. I have gone out of my way to never criticize her mother in front of her.
But in the meantime, I am worried that her new fantasies are a way of coping with memories that may be resurfacing. She is an otherwise happy child and very sweet and kind, and we don't want to cause her pain by letting her know that her mother lives only one county over but refuses to have anything to do with her (her mother remains a serious addict, in and out of prison and jail). At the same time, at some point we figure that she'll realize her mother does not have any strong prospects of mothering again. The relatives caring for her other children say she has likewise abandoned them and makes no effort to see them even when the courts authorize supervised visitations. She never sends birthday or Christmas cards to any of the children, for example. Her mother is violent when she does not get her drugs and as a result this keeps her incarcerated frequently, but even when she is out, she shows no concern at all for any of her biological children. We believe in giving hope (any addict CAN get better) but at the same time, I am unnerved by my daughter's constant fantasies about the perfect life she thinks she had (talking about, for example, how her mother would always bake her cakes on her birthday: never happened).
Anybody been through this and have suggestions?
Hi, in a single mom with an almost 4 year old daughter, when she was 2 her father went back to his country for a Job and after breaking up our realtionship he still can see Her but then said it was to hard for him and just send mails asking about Her after couple of months he just stop writing. Once in daycare they ask for pictures of family one of Her and mom and one of Her and dad. That time he was still present and i send the pics, fathers day was coming and they show the pic of him, my daughter end up crying asking for him to picked her up from daycare wich my mom usually does cuz i Work. She was just turn 3 that time. After that i desided not to put him in our lives anymore, before i was telling Her he has to travel for work when she asked about him.
Its been almost a year since that. Shes never never ask me again about him and the psicologist of the daycare told me she sees Her grampa as Her after now. That is something i realized too cuz one day a kid ask her the name of her dad and she says Tata, thats how she calls him, in other ocation i hear other kid ask her but she just doenst give any answer. Like i said so far she didnt ask me about him eventhough farhers day is coming and they have an activity with them, i ask her if she wants Tata to go and she was so excited and said yes! So far all good eventhough i was little afraid of kids questions again so i had a meeting with the daycare psicologist again and she told me something that to be honest freak me out. She said its time my daughter knows about him that i should give her anwers to the others kids questions, till that i was ok, and that i should give her a picture of Her dad and introduced him to Her and keep it, that was the thing i didnt like. I mean i know someday she will ask about him and for sure will want a picture and even want to meet him but why now? She also said i should tell Her that Her dad is far away working but he loves Her so much. Should i really tell that last lie? My daughter is a happy kid, i live alone with her but sees Her grandma everyday and grandpa almost eveyday she also has an uncle my brother who still lives with them and see him frecuently. To be honest i dont know if that is the correct thing to do the psicologist find it weird she never ask about him but she asked me for example why pinoccio doesnt have a mom and my answer was that there are families that are mom and kid others dad and kid and some others mom, dad and kid but they are all families and love each other very much, Her answer was: oh ok and kept watching the movie.
Pls any advice about this, am i wrong? Or should i listent the advice of the psicologist. I will never lie my daughter and when the time comes and she wants to know about him i will give all the info i can but... Isnt it to soon? Thaks so much in advance.
thank you for posting this. We have very similar stories, I live in a country where Dad is Tata, and his Tata gone away for good when he was 2 back in his country. No mails, no gifts, nothing, he said it is too hard for him and that he is giving up on him. Recently he started to ask for him, and I can see he is confused and angry, Wants to go visit him. I have no idea what to say. I don't want to say anything bad on his Papa, it is his blood, but there is no chance to see him. He is past. How to make his life easier,, I love him so much, he is confused as they have a Family project in daycare, looks that all have "standard" mum+dad familes except him. Should I talk with him or better leave it?
We appreciate you writing in and sharing your story. I can
hear how upsetting this situation is for you and how much you want to help your
son deal with the absence of his father. Truthfully, there’s no right or wrong answer
here. How much you share with your son about his father is going to be a
judgment call only you can make. It may be helpful to find a counselor you can
talk to about this situation. S/he may be able to help you decide whether or
not it would be beneficial to tell your son about his father and, if so, how
best to present the information. I am sorry you are faced with this decision.
I’m sure it’s not an easy one to make. Good luck to you and your son moving
forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.
It can be so tough when your child has an absent parent.
From what you have written, it sounds like you have done a great job being
supportive of your young daughter by ensuring she is surrounded by people who
love and nurture her. It does not sound like she is lacking either attention or care. I’m
glad you have people at the daycare who know your daughter and can offer you
some suggestions for what you can do. It can be quite helpful to talk through a
situation with someone else. Many people find it helps them to make a decision
when they are able to view a situation from more than one perspective. Bear in
mind that as her mom, the choice of whether or not you re-introduce her father
at this point is completely up to you. You know your daughter better than
anyone and would be in the best position to determine what is going to be
suitable for her. Sometimes as parents we need to make a judgment call based on
the information we have on hand. If you don’t believe that it would be in your
daughter’s best interest to tell her about her dad or say how much he loves
her, then you don’t have to do that. You’re her mom, so, you get to decide when
and how you talk to your daughter about her father. I hope this helps to answer
your question. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Good
luck to you and your daughter as you work through this tough situation.
What a tough situation. I can only imagine how heartbreaking
it must be to watch your granddaughter struggle with not having contact with
her mother. She’s lucky to have you to care for her. The tools and techniques
discussed on Empowering Parents are designed for children who are 5 and above.
They may not be effective for a child your granddaughter’s age. It may be
helpful to touch base with her pediatrician about ways you can help your
granddaughter when she asking about where her mother is. S/he is going to be
familiar with your granddaughter and would be in a much better position to
suggest something that would be in line with where she is developmentally. It
may also be helpful to talk with a counselor or therapist who specializes in
young children. The 211 Helpline would be able to help you find one in your
area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by
visiting them online at 211.org. We appreciate you writing in and wish you the
best of luck moving forward. Be sure to check back to let us know how things
are going. Take care.
It can be hard to know how to help your child deal with an
absent parent. Talking with a counselor may be a good way of deciding what
steps you can take to help your daughter through this tough situation. The 211
Helpline would be able to give you information on counselors and therapists in
your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222.
You can also visit them online at http://www.211.org/. I
hope this information is helpful. Be sure to check back to let us know how
things are going for you and your daughter. Good luck to you both moving
forward. Take care.
I’m sorry to hear your daughter’s biological mother is
facing these medical challenges and I appreciate you reaching out to Empowering
Parents for help with what sounds like a very troubling situation. I imagine
you must be worried about how to tell your daughter about her mother’s failing
health. You may find it helpful to talk to a grief counselor in your area about
what approach you could use to deliver this news to your daughter. S/he may
also be able to offer both you and your daughter support through this difficult
time. If you are in contact with the hospital where your daughter’s mother is
currently admitted, you might inquire about grief counseling services offered
through the hospital. You could also contact the 211 Helpline for information
on grief counseling and other grief related services in your community. You can
reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can also find
them online at 211.org. All the best to you and your daughter moving forward. I
hope you will continue to check back and let us know how things are going. You
are in our thoughts.
This is a slightly different situation.
My son has recently split with his wife, she was living with their 5 year old daughter in Thailand, he was in the UK. They have agreed that as my son can offer their daughter a better life,he will bring her to the UK to live. She will have to adapt to a completely different culture, new family, and living without her mum. This is the part I am more concerned about. What woul dbe the best plan of action if she starts asking to be with her mum. Should she speak to her on skype? or would this make her miss her more? Should we just tell her that she will see her soon (even though it will probably be a lie).
I know she is going to miss her mum, so I am pre empting how to deal with her best.
I can hear your concern for your granddaughter. It could be a
difficult transition to make for any child. I wish I could tell you what steps
to take to make it easier for her. It may, however, be better to find someone
local who is able to work with your granddaughter and family directly.
Having someone who can observe any challenges your granddaughter is
facing first hand and is also able to offer concrete suggestions for those
changes, would be beneficial. There is a service in the UK that may be able to
offer you some guidance around this issue as well as provide information on
resources in your community if you should decide to seek the help of a
counselor or other local support. FamilyLives (formerly Parentline Plus) is a
resource that is available 24 hours a day, both online and by phone. You can
find them at http://www.familylives.org.uk/.
You can also call their Helpline at 0808 800 2222. Good luck to you and your
family as you work through this transition. Be sure to check back and let us
know how things are going. Take care.
I am kind of going through the same thing with my 5 year old son. His father isn't involved with his son like I need him to be. He has been in and out of his life since he was born. When he does see him, he's more of the "friend" and not the father. He lives with his mother, and the only time he will see Cameron (my son) is when his mother will call and ask if Cameron can come over. When he does go over there, his father is working, and will barely see him at all while Cameron is there. He recently had another child about 5 months ago,Cameron's little sister, and they didn't include him in that. He didn't talk to him, spend time with him, or anything to make him understand what was happening and to get him to feel a part of the family. He has no bond with his sister; he won't acknowledge her, or his father's girlfriend, not that I blame him, but I know it bothers Cameron. To make matters worse, I found out that his father has been drinking A LOT and is doing drugs. I have had a talk with his father (if you can call it a talk)and told him that I can't allow him to see Cameron while he's doing the things he's doing.
Now, Cameron has been extremely sad and cries a lot about missing his father.He's been acting out at school, when he's home he doesn't like to play by himself, and sometimes won't wanna play at all even when I try to get him to play a family game. As his mother, it hurts me so badly. I try so hard to get him to feel better, but I know it's not my fault. It's just making me sad as well to see him so hurt like this and I don't know how to help him. I'm so lost; and I'm scared for my son. I have a fiance that has been in Cam's life for 3 years and loves Cam just as much as I do, buy we don't know what to do when he misses his father so much that he doesn't want to do anything. I just don't know what to do.
You are in a form of parental bootcamp for sure. Just because the dad is gone now it does not mean forever, more than likely he will be back to see his children at some point. Yes, it may be years, for us it was 5. There is no way to know from the sounds of it. If I were you, I would start a scrap book for each child. I would do my best to find a photo of each of the children with their respective dad in the picture and start with that photo.... and start a scrap book of their story with photo's and written events and accomplishments...for when they see their dad again they can bring him up to date. (I am not saying this will be fun or easy for *you*. but I feel *they* would love it. I am thinking it will give them something to do while they *await his return*.) I don't know everything but I doubt the dad will be able to stay away. I am not suggesting unrealistic hopes to set them up with, my posture would be around if/when he comes back they will have photo's, school pictures and stories to share. I know it seems impossible right now how to get through the weeks, months and years when the days are so hard but you will and think of the future you must. I would reassure them how wonderful they are, that it has nothing at all to do with them, they are great. I would let them know we must work as a team and take care of each other. The 7 and 5 yr olds are old enough to help pick up toys and make their beds and the 15 yr old may step up and really help if you are really lucky. For me it would be about encouraging all the kids to learn as much at school as they can to prepare themselves for the future because it is coming one day at a time. You will certainly have some exhausting days but it is not about us anymore is it? I met a wonderful man better than hitting the lottery, if you should meet someone, make sure they are kind for you are all wounded lambs and do not need someone coming in to make matters any harder. As the custodial parent you will have the steepest climb, I am so sorry, but you can show your children what courage looks like against the odds. Empowering Parents taught me my home is a 'factory' and our children are the product... what kind of product do you want them to be? Keep it together, give yourself timeouts if you need them, teach by example and you will be fine. Find out what kind of assistance you qualify for, I trust you could use something. Have dinner together every night and talk about your day... have a penny and pass it around, whoever is holding the penny has the attention. Go for bike rides and walks together, let the dishes go sometimes, love them while you can, it will mean the world to them. Good luck and God Bless you all. I wish you great Courage & Wisdom. My Best, Julia
It is so hard raising a child in such confusing circumstances and handling all the worries that go along with it. So much to endure and keep up that happy face for our children but it is what is best for them. I also do not see any damage the gifts will do to your daughter so long as they are age appropriate. At any age I have always wanted my daughter to have all the goodness that life has for her. I know what you mean about what to say. So try your best to keep it simple, and keep in mind she will share it with others ie. neighbors, school, relatives and yes, her dad someday. (Keep in mind there is a very good chance he will be back, to see her however is allowable.) Whatever you say to her may highten her fear of him and that will not help her. What I taught my daughter at that age was "it is ok to give the relationship time for her Dad to earn her trust". We talked alot about how friends act and I used recess behaviors to discuss how she can handle herself in situations that don't feel right. Try to coach your daughter on what healthy behavior looks, sounds and feels like. I even did role playing where I was her and she would be the unhealthy behaving person to give her a way & words to handle the situation. Basically, the theme is to keep the unhealthy behavior with the other person and for our child to stand up for themselves without being mean or hurtful too. I did not discuss drugs or alchohol at this age, I felt it too soon. The allergic to alchohol may scare her in the future if he has a beer at a BBQ. You and I have life experience to keep this in perspective but there is so much about it she does not know, too much, too soon might be scarey. Have you looked into counseling? I did for my daughter at that age and it helped me too. I had someone I could ask specific questions and get good info. Please try it and let me know. Contact your health insurance company for someone in your area. My daughter definately appreciated it and I did too. She stopped for a couple years and is going again. She is older now (11) and has new questions. My daughter reunited with her dad after 5 yrs of absence @ age 7 as well. It did not take her long to tell me she does not know where she would be if not for me. She soon realized what qualities her dad did have and did not have. She recently mentioned she thought her dad would be nicer, when she thought of him when she was young. Now that she has been spending time with him she has come to realize her own dissappointments in him. So I try to coach her on healthy behaviors and reassure her what a wonderful daughter she is and to enjoy this time with her dad while she is young. The difficult situations he has put her in where he was behaving badly, when she wanted to go home, he did let her go. I hope the same for your precious daughter as well. Good luck and please do let me know how it goes? Stay in touch with Empowering Parents, they have helped our entire household. I wish you strength & peace. Julia
Good to hear I am not alone. My daughter is 7 years old and has not seen her father at all in 3 years. Prior to that, it was supervised. He blames me for all his problems and has warned me that when he gets our daughter unsupervised, he would make her hate me... He is a very manipulative, damaged person and I have been refused contact other than my attorney for quite some time.
He mails a gift via an online website about 2 times a year. Do I continue to provide these gifts to our childÉ I dont disparage him to her, although she knows that I wish her dad the best, he is kind of like a stranger and that she lives with me because the judge said that was safest for her. also-she knows that he is allergic to alcohol. i really struggle with how to talk about her situation, due to his threats to alienate her..I dont know what to do about these gifts.
Dear Truly Challenged,
I am so sorry but protecting a child from their parent will be the hardest thing you may ever do. It has certainly taken nearly all I have myself. What you are up against is the Father has more rights than the precious child you are protecting and I do not know if it is nationwide or state by state. Your poor dear sister would have gone through the same hurdles. I relate to so much of what you are going through and my child is almost 11(she was 2 when it started). #1) Start a journal, names, dates, events your nephew experiences, this is how you can build your case. Your legal representative may never use it or refer to it often, it will help you, this I am sure. #2) All the child experts I have spoken to are pretty sure that a child will have problems in their adult life for certain, when they don't have some kind of a relationship with both their parents. #3) It is only suspended if the child is believed to be in 'mortal danger' and this needs to be proved somehow within reason. (The scenario would be along the lines of him showing up at your house and you needing to call the police, him taking your nephew outside the visitation schedule something that would be frightening, disturbing, alarming around your nephew. Any kind of threats to him or yourself. The mentality that scares me is 'if I can't have them nobody will'.) Some of the things I tell my daughter. "Your dad has problems, when they are worked out you will visit with him. There are grown up things to handle, I will handle those you just have fun being a kid. Don't you have enough to worry about? Yes Mom, I really do. ((homework, friends, chores) That's what kids should worry about.) Please, for your nephew's sake, keep him out of 'it' as much and for as long as you can. Try this: fast forward into the future, your nephew knows it all ok? Will he be able to carry all the adult worry waiting for him and be able to concentrate at school? Your job and My job is to get our children through their school years with their eye on the ball.... homework, friendships, chores, responsibilities, team sports ... because if we don't, they will be so sad ... you'll regret every word you ever uttered. Help him stay happy, because before you know it, your sweet nephew will know what his dad is really made out of and your heart will ache even more than when you kept it to yourself. It is one of the many sacrifices you will make on behalf of your nephew. He will get bigger, it will get better the older he gets. You will be his rock, you will be his source of comfort, you will be the one he knows he can turn to, you will get him there and you will be the one he will thank. The days can be long I know but the weeks fly by and the years do too. Does he have a photo album of his mom & dad? You could help him make one or make it yourself.... for him to look through when he is really missing them. I know it is hard, it is very hard but I would not change my path. Make choices you feel good about, keep your conscience clear. Does a 5 yr old boy *need* to know his dads problems? No, he does not have enough life experience to even understand right or wrong about it. Pick a trusted adult and confide and vent with them. It is good for the boys soul to know he has a mother & father that love him. His mother loves him from heaven and his dad loves him from his house, it is best he is with you considering the circumstances. Good Luck. You are a Grade A Auntie. God Bless your kind & generous heart. Love & Prayers, Julia
Nearly a year and a half ago, my sister died of a heroin overdose. Since then, I have been in a legal battle with my nephew's father for custody, who is also a heroin addict.
I have legal guardianship over my nephew who is five years old. The whole court process has been very frustrating and an uphill battle. The father was given a parental integration plan which he has not complied with AT ALL. He was given UNSUPERVISED visitation every weekend Friday thru Sunday. (Even my sister, who was always high, knew better than to leave her son alone with this man who had been physically and mentally abusive to both her and my nephew.)
Recently, we went to court and it came to light that he had received another drug charge in his city. The judge ruled that his visits would be taken down to every other weekend as long as he submits clean drug tests, otherwise his visitation will be suspended.
Court was two months ago and the father has not even bothered to submit the initial test that he was supposed to take the day of court.
Prior to all of this, my nephew had very little desire to go on the visits. He would always rejoice when his dad would call and say that he couldn't make it. however, since this has happened, his dad has talked to him on the phone 3 times. The first time he told him that he had rearranged his room and couldn't wait for him to see it and that he would get him the next weekend. And obviously, completely disappointed him by not coming to get him. The second time, my nephews father cried to him when he was on the phone with him. (My nephew is 5 yrs old) you can imagine how upsetting it was to hear "daddy" cry.
The 3rd time, he told him that he is doing "everything he can" to make sure that he gets to see him.
Knowing that this man is ultimately responsible for introducing my sister to the drugs that took her life, that he abused and neglected both my sister and my nephew, he has stolen from my entire family and is all around a terrible person, makes it VERY difficult for me to be diplomatic when in comes to talking to my nephew about his "daddy" and I always have been very positive when I talk to him about his dad because I have read how damaging that can be. But recently, I find it more and more difficult to come up with reasons that his dad can't see him.
His dad makes it sound to him (on the phone) like he really misses him and is sad that he can't see him. But honestly, knowing him the way I do, he just wants to use my nephew to get money from the state so that he can get high.
I hate to see that little boy go through so much loss and so much pain at such a young age. I just do not know how to minimize the pain that his dad is inflicting.
Dear Lost Dad,
I understand how hard this is with your daughter so young. I'm sure you know there are no easy answers here and you know the road will be long and steep some days. So, what can you do? Coach yourself through it all, that's it, plain and simple. When your daughter is especially emotional try to coach her through it as gently as you can, try to be a source of comfort and lead by example like Sarabean had suggested, she knows what she is talking about. When my daughter was your daughters age, her favorite activity was painting, my daycare provider would have a painting station ready for her every morning when I dropped her off for the day. My daughter would run to it and it helped her with her separation anxiety so much I will never forget. At her age 'distraction' is key, children love cooking in the kitchen, maybe you could have food crafts ready for transitional times. Decorating cupcakes, making brownies, buy her an apron and a hat, she may really get into it. If it is soothing she needs, you can hold her hand, hugging the teddy bear is great, offer a tubby, they love to play in the water at that age, a new water toy or a cup. I used to buy those fizzy things, or bubbles, or tub crayons, keeping her mind off missing her mom is a gift you will ease of her stress level. This is an age of 'busy' when she gets older the activities will change but the need for 'distraction' may not. Your golden rule is to not say anything derogatory about her mother, it is an arrow straight into her heart and it will not serve to bring her closer to yours. There is nothing more endearing to her right now than your understanding. What to say? Your mom & I love you very much, this is your dad time, then it will be your mom time. (Always remember, no matter where she goes, here on in, she is missing SOMEONE. I'm certain she misses you at the moms. This is a painful tragedy of children of divorced parents.) She must mind her manners but she does not have enough life experience to make sense of all this. It is hard for adults, with life experience, so you can surely understand her confusion. I have given myself a timeout, if I find myself loosing my patience. Just step away for a moment, regroup and ask what is really important here? They cry alot at that age, it's one of their most meaningful ways to get our attention. Raising children is an ever changing environment, this week it's one thing, next week it's another. You will eventually meet someone and that will add another dynamic. Try to be flexible, it will help her cope as well. Do you read at bedtime? That is incredible quality time, we read by flashlight (or now the Kindle Fire). My daughter is going on 11 but now she wants to read the classics Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty etc. Try to grace her with the desire for reading, a whole world will open up for her. Pop up books are wonderful too for that age group or any arts and crafts. Assure your daughter how much you love her, be gentle and kind, roots & wings. You will be exhausted at days end, I won't sugar coat it but you have much you can do to help her through this but mainly remember it is her life, she loves BOTH her parents and will always NEED BOTH her parents that will never change. Raising children of divorced parents is more successful the more selfless we can be. Keep doing what you are doing you may not like your situation but it is where it is for a reason, be a positive role model and show her by example ways YOU are making the best of it ... mean while she gets older everyday. You are in the prime time of bonding time and she is highly fragile. The heartache of watching my daughter miss her alchoholic distant father remains indescribable to this day but the picture my daughter has in her mind of me is gentle and kind, you will have that too. On court days, I was upset on the inside and frosting cupcakes on the outside. I was not going to put my burdens on my precious daughter for anything, I loved her but did not lean on her, I only hugged her and nurtured her more. So I wish you great inner strenth and courage to keep it together, I had my days believe me but you can do this, mother or father you can do this... hang in there. 'Be' the person you want 'HER' to be because even when she is crying she is watching you and learning from you ... what do you want her to learn? Love & Prayers, Julia
So, I've got a little role reversal. I'm the father of a wonderful 2 1/2 year old girl. My ex and I are towards the tail end of our divorce, I hope. Custody of our daughter was split 50/50, and she had adjusted quite well, as far as I knew. She's well behaved, potty trained, rarely throws tantrums, and is generally just a happy little girl.
My ex and I are both recovering alcoholics, and I had found out about 3 weeks ago that she had gone back to drinking. Upon bringing up concerns about her drinking to my daycare people, I was informed that they had suspected as much, and that my daughter is a completely different child during her time with my ex. She has potty accidents, throws tantrums, is clingy, and is disruptive. The daycare people accredit this to structure. I am very prompt and fairly organized while my ex brings our daughter to daycare anywhere between 30 minutes to 3 hours late. I started the process to gain sole custody and she ended up coming clean to me about her drinking two days before court. She agreed to my terms, sole custody and supervised visitation, with an option to review in 90 days provided she attends aa meetings, etc. We haven't been a week into this new custody situation and she's drinking again. I've got some pretty big resentments about all that, but that's another deal.
So, now I'm freaking out a little, or a lot. I have a fairly decent support system, which is awesome, but my main issues are that I don't know what to say when my daughter expresses how much she misses her mom. I don't bad mouth my ex, but I don't want to play the "if you can't say something nice..." game, either. Plus, I'm not the favorite, not that I have to be the favorite, but I'd like her to like me! My daughter cries when she has to come home with me now. I picked her up from my mom's tonight and she bawled when we had to put her coat on. Don't get me wrong, we have a blast together, and I know she loves me, but it's heart wrenching when she realizes it's Daddy picking her up and not Momma.
This has been the first week of the new custody agreement, and I know it's going to be rocky for a little while. I just want to find a way to help my daughter cope with what's going on.
Dear Mother, I am always moved by how honest parents are with Empowering Parents. I deeply respect your story and all that you have been, and are handling, right now. All I can think of, is you can tell your son his dad moved... but I don't want him to worry that you will move too. I think Sarabean gave you the best advise in the world... In some cases we the parents need the counseling on how to handle what our children are trying to wrap their brains around. Our children look to us for guidance through a developing technological world we are trying find our own way through... most of our days are a pressure cooker of timing, drop offs, pick ups, meals, homework, baths etc. We take advise from the people we respect, your children I'm sure respect you. I think your oldest childs counselor *is* the best resource at the moment. You have so much going on outside my experience, I can only encourage you to continue to educate yourself so you can be the lighthouse for your children through the storms ahead. I'm sorry so much falls on you, I can only guess you must have some unresolved worries you would benefit from sharing in counceling. You are right, you do need somewhere to go with all this... call the numbers Sara gave you... just give it a chance. Try to squeeze in the precious time for yourself to get some coaching, they will help you guide the kids. Get back to us if it is not helpful. Empowering Parents is here for us all. You can contact the 'Victim Witness Advocate' through the court system and they may be a resource as well. I wish you great courage and strength, I wish I could do more for you. If you could go with your son to his room and talk to him about all the good things about his Dad that can't hurt. You could maybe help him make a scrap book, a memory book with him, that he could look at, maybe some pictures and you could write some stories in there for him about him & his dad. I just would be mindlful to teach him to keep it private, I would not want to offend the older step daughter who may have mixed emotions about his book. You have a complicated social structure within your home, I would make your older daughters feelings as important as your sons. They are both different, but important ... because it is so important to *them*. You will not have to do this forever, you just need to get them to 18 and I think your biggest enemy will be to try to keep them from getting depressed about it all. It's ok to be angry but it's not ok to be mean. Teaching them to respect each other and the different relationships they had with the now absent Dad/Stepdad. You have your work cut out for you but you are strong, you are seeking and you will find. Did you read all the stories in this blog? There is great information back and forth, the original article, the parents sharing, the ideas from Empowering Parents and my ideas. We all put our hearts into sharing what we can with each other, to help that parent who is so desperately seeking where to go and what to do? It's alot to handle these days. We are all working so hard to raise our resilient children to be good people and citizens. Do your best, I bet you are getting there and may just need some rest. Try to nurture yourself through this, it sounds like you have many little ones, we all think better when we are well rested. Good Luck. Sara was right too when she suggested you go with your motherly instinct... patience, loving & gentle kindness works well with children of all ages.
Love & Care, Julia
I desperatly need advise on what to say to my 3.5 year old son who asks about/talks about/prays about his father on a daily basis. The last time he saw his father he was only 1, so I don't know if he is urning for the specific person or the idea of a father, but I don't know how to handle it either way. (I can't find anything on the internet anywhere regading my specific circumstance. My childrens father was sexually/physically & emotionally abusive to my oldest/his step daughter) I don't discuss anything about their father to my 5,3 & 2 year old children.. but my 3 year old son is constantly asking about and for him. What do I say?
Please post this question, I am sure there are many moms out there who have a similar story. It would be wonderful if some of use could get together and create a place for women like me to get answers & help in dealing with situations of this nature. The stastistics are staggering.. and lets face it, most men who physically and sexually abuse children are not the pedophile on the registry down the street: they are the men we have married, grown up with since childhood or other figures close to our own families. If you know of any other websites offering support to mothers about how to help their children cope & recover from this type of trauma... please also post that information. Thank you so much for your help.
p.s. In case your wonderding, I called & reported the abuse as soon as I discovered it. Criminal charges are pending (and have been for over a year) & my oldest is doing great now after months of therapy.
Thank you so much for those wonderful comforting words. I am so touched....
Thank you for your advise, I defiantly will use it .
Understanding I am a mother with similar experiences and not a licensed professional like Empowering Parents offers in various areas ... if I found myself in your shoes, I would educate myself because that is pretty much how I handle things that I don't understand or confuse me, I go to my local library and start reading up and I start asking around and surfing the web which is probably how you found me. I can't help but mention as his most significant role model right now, I would try to teach him how to look at and focus on what is 'good in his life'. That our life should be about celebrating 'who is interested in us' that we count our blessings by 'thinking of the people who do share our joys and sorrows' and nurture and celebrate those people. Because we can pick our friends but not our family... I would remind him he has a devoted mother who loves him so much, that his grandfather still watches over him and hears his prayers so it is good for his grandfathers soul in heaven to hear the prayers of his grandson ... I would try to teach him that Grieving is the process of learning to live our lives without someone we care very much about and that it is a life long journey that you will walk together. That there will be days you may lean on him and days he may lean on you but how much you want to be there for him and how much his love, on the really tough days, keeps you going. My Dad is still with us, but that is how I picture life when he is not here with us. I would try to teach him that if 'life is a million moments' lets try to spend as many of them as we can being thankful for what we do have. How sorry you are that life has been so hard but unfortunately, that IS life, sometimes it is up and sometimes it is down... but it is about how we handle what comes our way that enriches the experience, that is where our self esteem comes from, handling these challenges, coping with the set backs but not letting them 'set us back'. That you know he is good and strong and will make a difference in this big world, yes even just him being himself. That it is ok to be angry, it is not ok to be mean and try to teach him the difference. When he gets you really upset, keep it together and always do your best to be understanding, let him know you understand he is hurting, about so many things, but as he gets older he will understand so much more as he gets older. When he starts having relationships and how they can be great or not so, but it is how we handle it all. Sometimes teens use anger to control the adults in their lives, the Total Transformation Program is all over that topic. I would only suspect it THAT if he gets that way when you ask about a responsibility that he has shirked. Is there a male in your circle of extended family that could maybe be a role model? My stepson is 14, we let him bring a pal and took them for pizza and bowling. He did put up with my 10 yr old 'like a kid sister'. But it was 'something to do'. Try to figure out any interests he has and help him explore those. There are indoor skate parks that they have now, just to help him have some 'down time from worrying'. I think my stepsons preoccupation with VideoGames all these years was his escape from missing his 'disinterested' mom. Lastly, I would not 'make him call' anyone. I agree with him, the phone works both ways. It may hurt him more being the one who always calls, maybe it makes him feel needy ... when all he wants to feel is needed. Talk, Listen, Listen our 14 yr old wants to talk except I don't see many people listening to him much more than me! Even when I am busy, I have him follow me and we talk that way. I often know more about what is going on with him because we DO talk, his dad will say I did not know that. I don't push either, I present opportunity to the children in my life, if they go for it great, if not, at least I tried. As his mother, I know you will always try. Keep the faith, pray and listen and listen more. Be who you want your son to be: be loving, be patient, be kind, be gently, be gracious ... because he is watching you and learning. I wish you both all the joy you can both handle. I lost my mother and I am still on my own journey... in my heart of hearts I wish you both ... Courage which is Grace under pressure. :) I would ask him right out 'why are you angry today' and hope he wants to talk about it, that will be a step in the right direction. Have a gentle tone for he is a wounded lamb. I hope that is enough ideas. Peace to you and yours. Please let me know how it goes. I am always here. Julia
I’m a single mother of a 13 year old son, His father and I separated the first time when he was 2, we tried many times after that to work it out, OR should I say I tried, he was very abusive to me mentally and physically . I knew that when my son started telling people what he saw daddy do to mommy it was time I had to leave for my son….my son was 3. I have never tried to keep him away from his father, and I never have allowed people to talk about his father in front of him. I have always encouraged him to have a relationship with his father. At first his father was very involved, called all the time, set up vacations for them, saw him 3 times a year or more because he moved out of state. He decided that he could not handle being away from him any more when my son was 5 and moved to Florida where my son and I resided.
At this point I thought things would be so much better for my son. He saw my son 1 time that year and I had to drive him 2 hours away to his house and to pick him up, but he did continue to call, that was the year I put him on child support.
From the time the support was ordered to this date he has seen my son maybe 4 times from 2005-2012 as well as his mother cut my son out of her life as well because she did not agree with her sone paying support for his only son
. I still continued to have my son call his father and grand mother and try to have some type of relationship. Now my son is 13 and he is starting to refuse to call him or the grandmother, he says to me all the time “I’m his kid he should want to call me and so should my grandmother” I shouldn’t have to call them all the time, stop trying to make me! I don’t care about him anymore, but I know he does, I know that his heart is broken to think that his father doesn’t care about him, and his grandmother (the only one he has) have just written him off. I try to reassure him all the time that he loves him, and has his own issues to deal with, but he loves him his way is just a little different. This year my son lost is grandfather, we lived with us for the last 10 years and my son is very close to … he is having such a hard time, he is still dealing with the loss of my dad and in some was his Dad…This year his did not even return his call on Christmas…… HE has not spoken to his father in about 7 months. I do not know what to do…his heart his breaking and I wasn’t to fix it and make it ok. My son is already going through so much being a 13year old; dealing with the issues with is absent Father, and the death of his grandfather.
I try to talk to him, but it seems all we do is argue, He seems very angry, and sad all the time…. I don’t know what to help him
Dear JAG, I have walked in your shoes and had the same struggles. #1)I would explain to my child that just like when he does not follow the rules at home, he has a time out. That his Dad did not follow the rules and now he is in 'time out'. I would keep it simple and limit it to that, he will probably ask more questions and I would tell him (like I tell my now 10 yr old) that is for grown ups, when he is older you will talk about it more, right now enjoy being a kid. When I asked my child don't you have enough to think about? She said "You know, I really do." This should help your son and his need for 'His Story'. #2) He knows he has a dad somewhere, so I think the what to call the other adult guys in his life will work out. #3) I am very sorry but being a parent has countless worries. I worry so much at times about my own 1 child, I am glad I did not have more, I truly don't know if I could have handled it. Now a parent with multiple children would tell you, you find the way. So I would try to develop some coping skills for yourself ... self talk? Have you ever heard of it? When you find yourself worrying, coach yourself through it, the first thing I do is get my hands busy, cooking or cleaning, if not, start reading a book or find an online game you could play to take your mind off the worry. You need to find your distraction because there will always be something to worry about. One of my personal big worries is that our neighborhood will find out about my daughters fathers 'time out'. How many friends will she loose? Will anyone still want to be our friends? Sorry, but the world has dangers and people will associate us with that,yes, I believe even if it were years ago. So I respect your openness about it.#4) You reunited with a man who is not around. Some might say finding a new person in your life may have helped and yes it may have. But I did and as wonderful as he is, she knows he is not her Dad and I never suggested he was, so it has been wonderful to have a gentle positive role model for her but again, now that she sees her Dad and has a relationship with him, she loves him and is glad to have her dad in her life. He still has problems and confuses her often but like you said, it is still a special relationship. You may want to make a 'My Story' photo album for him. That starts once upon a time, there was a woman (a picture of you)[turn page] and a man (a picture of his dad) [turn page], they fell in love (a picture of you both) [turn page] got married or decided to have a baby (a picture of you pregnant), the baby was born(his baby picture) and everything was wonderful (a picture of all three of you?). Then one day Dad broke the rules and had to go in a 'time out' (just a picture of you and your son). Then start making pages of all the things he is doing and learning so when Dad gets out of his time out your son can bring him up to date with his memory book. You can put family there, pets everything and your son when feeling 'left out' will have this great book of all the pictures and 'his story' to look at, your son can even make pages of him missing his dad, if you do a 3 ring binder you can insert pages if you missed something. My child has heart aches too but she is getting there. I can't tell you the ocean of tears I choked back watching my daughter watch other Dads swing their little girls around in the park, that sinking feeling, the one thing we can't give them, but our job, is to teach them coping skills to handle their feelings about it, we show them with our own actions and we give them tools, like his new story book, to get through it. #6) When he reports to you the cruelty of the other children, try not to get mad, try to keep it together and give him, words or tools. My daughter said another little girl said something hurtful to her, I said "Just because someone says something does not make it so". She used it and the girl backed off, she was put out because my daughter took the power away of the sting of her words. Just be general not specific or hurtful back. That child will tell their parents as well and I know you don't want a contest. I do role playing with my daughter, she will be the meanie and I will be her. She also knows to tell an adult. I agree with the Dad your son needs to learn to stick up for himself. My daughter does not want to offend anyone either, we always keep the bad behavior in the other person. Sorry if this is so long, I think I got everything. Please let me know how it goes? We are all comrads in this world trying to raise our children well, provide for them but the best way we protect them is teaching them how to take care of it on their own, yes, even so young as 8. He sounds smart, I bet he surprizes us all. I am glad you have much family support, it can take a village to raise one child. God Bless Us All.
I wish you great strength & courage as you prepare him for the world. Love & Prayers, Julia
I dont even know where to begin.. I seperated from my childs father when I was 2 1/2 months pregnant, gave birth to my child and refused to call his father on the day he was born. He came the next day after receiving a call from my brother. Anyhow our relationship was ok no arguments, no disrespect it was good.. we communicated and it all revolved around our son. He paid child support and was always there when I needed him. Unfortunately he got arrested when our son was 14 months old.. My son was not aware obviously but I was, my son would call his godfather, grandfather and uncle dad because he would hear myslelf, or nieces calling out to our father so he thought thats what he should cal them not knowing what the word father meant i guess. I would correct him and show him pictures of his fahter and tell him who he is. About 2 years and 1/2 I decided to take him to see his father in Prison. He immediately gravitated towards his father and bonded. It was so special because of the innocense and bond they now share we visit him often and speak to him daily. On the day we visited him his father and i decided to get back together. But I noticed that my child I guess feels left out per say during school functions such as daddy and me breakfast and I show up Father day cards that have to get mailed and cant see his dads reaction. Asking him what he wants for his b-day or put atop a x-mas list and he tells me his dad. I finally had to break the news to him that his father was not out building houses he is actually in prison.. he took the info a little upset he asked why i had lied. and i told him i wanted to protect him but knew that I had to tell the truth so he can understand why i couldnt make some of his wishes come true and why we are in this situation per say.. he accepted it but i noticed that he has a void.. he talks about his dad with his friends and yesterday a neightbors mom came a dn spoke to me we were just conversating and she told me that my sons misses his dad (which i knew) and that he should have some sense knocked into him and that my son has mentioned that his dad is spending time with his other siblings when its not true.. i guess my son is makeing up stuff in his little head to make sense but is causing him pain he is only 8 years old..well i told her listen he's not a dead beat he is actually in this situation and it is what it is.. my childs family does help up out a lot and we all have a good relationship and i am there for my child and his father does speak to him daily i know its not enough and will never be i know shooting basketball is not as fun with mom than it would be with dad, talking about boy stuff is not the same unless its with dad etc.. etc. i just dont know what to do.. how do i help my child cope with the fact that his dad is not here but will soon be here but dont know how soon.. My child at times gets picked on cause he is smaller is more hyper than others and at times the other kids want to play with him because of the stuff he has.. i have been fortunate enought to be able to provide for him as if he lived with both parents so he doesnt desire for toys because he gets them of course earned (good grades)but i feel as if other kids can be so cruel and he runs to me and i of course get angry and protect him and keep him inside and later let him out but then i talk to his dad and he tells me kids will be kids he just has to defend himself and just play.. i am torn.. i have a little boy that is so friendly that wont hurt anyone and is so hurt by the absence of his fahter.. what can i do to ease the pain or make him understand.. please help.. i cant see him hurting any longer..
Dear SingleMom, You have accomplished great feats in turning your life around, and doing so for your child, is the greatest purpose, I too have worked for. You are a success story and should be proud. If I were you, I would be honest with my son. (He is confused by the situation now, so maybe he will better understand especially now, that he is getting older (age 7?) and hears about family roles in school from classmates. I would have an honest, age appropriate, conversation with him. I would say something simple like his dad 'moved away'. He can picture that in his mind and understand that. I would let him know that *your* dad is his 'grandfather' this will give your son a 'grandfather' which is special too. When my daughter was young we talked about her baptism and how she was adopted by God and that we are all Gods children and God is Our Father. Many children have two sets of parents due to divorce, 1 where they live and 2 or 3 homes they visit and/or sleepover... parents, grandparents... you sound intelligent and I bet your son is too. I would not discuss drugs or alcohol until he is more middle school age and you want him to stay away from kids that do such things. I would let him know his biological father has 'problems'. When he gets better he will call for you to visit. I strongly suggest you read a previous note from Suzanne. Her daughter was asked to reunify with her dad at age 26. Prepare yourself now for that as well. Teach your son never to get into a car without your knowledge.... that if his dad ever pulled up to your house, your son should come get you, so you can make sure the dad does not still 'have' problems. You are his guide for safe measures. Your now complicated situation was based on keeping your son safe and for good reason it sounds. His father is involved in a very serious and dangerous world. I am glad you have your parents helping you, they watch out for your son too I am sure. I would start the entire conversation reassuring your son how wonderful he is and how much he means to you. Keep it simple. Answer his questions because he will ask others if not. Whatever you tell him he may share with classmates, 'my dad has problems and moved away' has never offended anyone in our company and that is what we said. My daughter was satisfied by this for many years. As your son gets older you can share more 'age appropriate' information but limit that and keep it simple. The focus should be on your wonderful life, being a good student at school and learning how to be a good friend, so that in turn, he has good friends. Do your best not to cry through this conversation with him, you don't want him to see your pain of all this, your tears will land on his heart and stay with him. Let him know his life is special, his story is special because it is so very special to you. If it comes to him too sadly, he may preoccupy with worrying about it all and he is a precious young child who should be free from anymore worries than he must bear. You may want to let your dad know you will tell your son, so your dad is aware, you are gifting him the beautiful present of being a 'grandfather'. I'm sure he is wise enough to enjoy his new role. Maybe one day you will meet someone, if he is worthy, your son will be free to give him that special name of dad, if he connects well with your son. I have been 'age appropriate' honest with my daughter and she is thriving and successful. You can reassure your son that now that he is getting older, he was ready for this conversation where, when he was younger would not have understood. I want you to read previously what Suzanne wrote and what I wrote back to her. So you are aware. You and your son have been through a lot together. This will bring you closer. Maybe you already spoke with him and I am too late. I am very sorry if I missed helping you, I did not want to rush my reply. But with a little boy waiting I did not want him to wait too long. I send you my strength, love and courage. Courage is grace under pressure. I picture you very courageous. Being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever love. (Stay in touch with Empowering Parents, I am always so moved by other parents honesty. There are few places to go but I always go here.) Please let me know how it goes?
Love and Prayers to you & yours, Julia
Dear Dad'sGirlfriend, I am sorry I did not reply sooner, I read your comment and had thoughts but I give my heart time to think about each situation before I reply. I want you to know, that your thoughts are on track in my experience. Letting your little angel know you are there for her is most important. She probably has some separation anxiety or detachment from being separated from her mother at a young age... this makes it hard for her to connect because she may be worrying you will go away to, which is also out of her control. This can be confusing because she does not have life experience to weight against and rationalize it all. My stepdaughter and I loved going clothes shopping. I always wanted to bring my other step daughter to have her nails done and to a make up counter to learn how to put makeup on properly but she would not let me close enough. So we did things that she *was* comfortable with. You may want to let your someday step daughter guide the relationship so that you stay within her comfort zone. I would respect the dad and check in with him before doing too much so he is ok with it too. But one on one girl time is really great. Coloring in her bedroom, reading a story together everynight is a treasure to any child. My daughter and I consider this our most quality time of all because we talk about her day and I help her settle her thoughts if something is troubling her as well. Every home needs a womans touch if she is gentle, kind, patient, cleans & feeds the masses. :)
Cooking in the kitchen has also been one of our favorite time together as well. Cupcakes, smoothies, dinner anything. You could share, make or buy her her own apron. There are so many things you can do with her that will be special ... even calling your chats 'woman talk' would make her feel good. Whatever builds this precious little girl up is a treasure that will stay with her always. Give her all the special memories you can and love will blossom for sure. I hope you get this note and please write back again. Help her tidy her room, sort through and pull out the clothes that are too small, hunt around and find a 'quality' consignment shop where the second hand clothes are barely worn. Make sure she always has a nice dress in her size. Take her picture and put a pretty picture of her up in her room. My daughter loves hanging her own school picture up in her room. Everything and anything you do will bring you closer. Little girls look up to and adore big girls. You may not have brought her into this world but please look past that and embrace helping her find where she fits in and how to be the best *she* can be and the rewards will come and she will become your daughter in your *heart* and you will eventually not feel the difference. Love & Prayers to you all, Julia
I am so sorry how hard this all is. I have questions though too. Is it your schedule that limits you, the dad or Family Court. I would start with the basics, dedicate a notebook to a journal. (Mine goes back to 2003.) Keep track of everything and build your case. If you believe your son is 'safe' in the family home then you have time to organize yourself to care for him. You have to have yourself in order before you can care for a child because a 4 yr old is alot of energy and work. Then I would look at my budget. Can you afford the kindergarten at college? Would you be able to study and manage his homework, dinner, bath and story time? If the father has a house and you have an apt, there is that to consider. Then I would look at how my visits went with my child ... is the dad hovering or respecting your time? It did not seem to take long for friction to surface with the father, so I would give him space. I would focus on my relationship with my child, acting respectfully at all times in his company. You can not control the dad only yourself. Were the living conditions better in the home of your son? If not, I would note that in my journal. If the dad was stressed out and not calm, I would note that in the journal. I would try not to focus too much on the dad and more on myself and my child where feelings are concerned. Educating yourself for a better career in the world is fantastic. Lack of funds often is part of what keeps us in a bad relationship. For women a well paying job offers empowerment and choices in my experience. Are your parents an option to help you? Sometimes not. You can write your son a letter every day, reassuring him how much you think of him and miss him. How wonderful he makes your life and how much you can't wait to see him again. You could give him a blanket with your picture on it or even a picture of both of you together for times when he especially misses you. Where your journal is concerned I would always scan the home to see there is nothing dangerous within his reach and the house is picked up. Is he bathed and his clothes clean that sort of thing. I would build my case to be ready, when I am ready and have my facts in order when I appealed to be his caregiver. (My ex husband used our daughter as an object to control me. I don't think he ever imagined I would love her so much and the great sacrifices I would make on her behalf. I spent my entire retirement and savings building a new life for my daughter and I. I would do it again. She was always with me though, so I feel for you.) Focus on showing the good you are made of and what you can do for your son in a positive meaningful manner in the meantime. I don't know how old you are if you have any resources yet. I would resist getting anymore involved with the dad, it sounds like he may have a temper. The main thing is you must do what 'you believe' is the right thing. If you truly believe continuing your education will be what is best than that is what you should focus on. If your son is in danger or sad? His safety is paramount. Do what you think is best for your son. And I myself would never give up. At least your son will see and know you never gave up on him.
I wish you great courage and strength. These are very difficult times... it does get better, but it does take a long time. Grace is courage under pressure. You can do this. See if your college has any services that would help you. Hang in there. We never know what our children will remember. But we are always building memories. Sincerely, Julia
Dear Feeling Lost,
I have deeply learned from Empowering Parents that the trickle down effect happens painfully in a family. This means the kids are watching us and sharply. In a blended family like ours (yours & mine)it is the most successful setting for 'divide and conquer' strategy (kids to parents). I am coming up on the 7 year anniversary myself, at this point we are knee deep. I agree it is a big mistake to expose our children to 'unhealthy behavior'. The problem is the other parent is demonstrating 'lack of self control' in front of the children. So he may be successful at 'scaring them' he is unsuccessful at teaching them mature behavior. My first attempt would be to talk to the other parent and strategize some ground rules for our own behavior. Kids are smart, we can not yell at them and then tell them not to yell. It is funny, but the more calm we remain in the heat, that is when we regain our status as a collected individual who is mature and in 'self control'. Even my childs report cards notes for all students if they are demonstrating self control or not. For me, this would be my first step, to ask the other adult in the house if he would stop yelling at me and the children. I personally can not live like that and most people too. If he is willing to compromise and stop that since it is unsuccessful, that would be the beginning of a better life for all. The adults must demonstrate mature respectable behavior. Yelling is disrespectful bottomline. My mother yelled alot so I can't take it in my adult life too, it stops at me. My other concern is there swearing too? We have worked really hard at getting the kids to stop swearing. (My bio was too young but his inner city kids used alot of street talk which was tragic to listen to coming from children. My ex husband was highly explosive and when I finally got away from him I made a vow to myself never again would I allow anyone to treat me that way. Your story has much between the lines that makes me identify with you so much. If the male role model in the house will not stop acting out ... what you should do now ... is whatever you can live with because what ever you think is the right thing, will be what YOU can live with in your heart. You must live each day doing what you think is the RIGHT THING. If staying where you are is the right thing, then I would say start educating yourself on what 'healthy behavior' looks like, sounds like and feels like. The adults in the house must work together in a blended family because the children are relentless in trying to gain control because they do not respect who is in charge. My fiance's two older children ran away to live with their alchoholic mother because we wanted them to do their homework and clean their rooms. They were yelling and swearing at us, in my heart, they merely moved back in with the person who taught them such unsocial behavior. My fiance' does not yell at me. He argues occaisionally with the youngest (boy now 14) about cleaning his room and doing his homework. But not in a crazy scarey manner at all. But he helps the boy too. They both spent hours cleaning the boys room to get him organized and now he can pick it up better because the dad gave him a leg up. Our house is quieter now with just my bio girl now 10 and his boy now 14. I would picture a variety of scenario's in your mind what sounds the best and work towards that. I feel if the parents got counseling THEY would know how to handle the children better and would understand they need to be a unified front to bring some civility to the home and stick to it. Did you ever hear the saying "we teach people how to treat us?" If someone says they love me but does not behave loving to me, I realize they may feel something for me but I am not convinced it is love. With all my heart I wish you strength,courage & peace in your heart & home. Julia
At age 26, your daughter has lived through most of her life with that deep sense of loss of an absent father. She must be so curious. At a very young age I talked to my daughter about what makes a friend? It sounds like you have a good sense of things, I have a feeling you taught your precious daughter well. My daughter has been reunited with her father for a year or so. In that time they have had special times (that I deeply wanted her to have), there have been cancels which hurt more when you are sitting in a parking lot and they did not even bother to call anyone and let you know ... and your precious daughter is watching every car for the sign of their dad. My deep sense is to nurture the child within your daughter to experience what ever is meant to be for the father and daughter. Going out for breakfast or whatever makes your daughter comfortable. This is the one thing only the father can give, his interest in her and her life. He may just be curious what she looks like and then go away again, and your daughter will probably lean on you at that time. Maybe it will go better and he will be gentle and kind and answer some of her questions, no matter how hard. I know I personally had a special chat with both of my divorced parents on different occasions. There were tears but I felt better. My daughter keeps her dad in perspective, she is giving him the chance to 'earn' her trust, it is slow going and it does not sound like they are completely there yet. (she is almost 10 now) She has recently said now that she knows her father .. she does not know where she would be without me. "No mom, really, I don't know where I would be without you". I don't think it is too bold a guess you and your daughter are close .. the greatest gift you can give her is to try to ease the 'torn' feeling with reassurance from you that she will always be your precious daughter and you would do nothing different in the past if the future did not include her. Share your endless devotion to her and see what happens. There is a 50/50 chance it could go well. If he is still drinking it may turn your daughter off and give her a new perspective. Try to coach yourself through this. That was good previous advice to lean on your own support system and not your daughter for this one. I know you don't want to confuse her. I set my daughter free to give her dad a chance to treasure her and build her up. Like I said there are still cancels here and there, bipolar if I had to guess. He has bad days. But I have told her 'you only have one chance at being a kid' and when you grow up you spend the rest of your life reflecting on these days, enjoy the time with your father while you can. No one really knows how it will go, but I have a good idea you taught your daughter well. Show her your gracious side and set her free of 'torn'. You know you want your daughter to have all the *love* in her life she can handle. As a grown woman, she will know if it is an unhealthy relationship. There is a place in her heart that is still a little girl waiting for her dad to come home and swing her in his arms. I would want her to have that chance even at age 26. Check in with me anytime. Suzanne, he may hurt her but he may heal her too.
Motherly Love, Julia
I am a parent of a wonderful young woman who is now 26 years old and married with children. I raised her alone from the time she was 1. I married a troubled man who was addicted to drugs and sex. After a tumultuous troubled marriage, her bio father said we were dead in his eyes and he wanted no part of our lives. I raised her on my own, making mistakes along the way, and through the grace of GOD she has turned out to be a responsible, hard working and loving woman.
Now, 25 years later, she is being contacted by the absent "father". She seems upset, but at the same time torn. How do I help her? I want to be fair, but am so upset at the thought of him being a part of her life.
Dear Like A Mom,
Our stories are similar. Remember always unless a parent is an endangerment to the child, the relationship in the child's eyes is a comfort, to know their mom or dad. They can even get 'preoccupied' are they ok? The absent parent made poor choices but they are still family to the child. It would even be fine to 'pray that mom is ok' what would it hurt? It would teach them a method of self comforting. Raising other people's children requires great unselfishness and maturity. (Often lacking traits in the absent parent.) I give you much credit. I love children, I want to be a positive role model for them to see how a lady behaves and speaks. The love of my life also had many problems in his marital home and yes, his dear children would go back in a minute if they could, as unhealthy as it was. Confusing because we have life experience to weigh all this against, they only have the memories and the familiarity of it. They probably did not focus on the mess and disaster, they had their mom and dad who are like 'hero's' at that age. I would not be in a hurry for them to learn about alcohol or any other specifics of mom's condition, I would keep it simple AS problems for many reasons. My youngest step son (age 7 when we met age 13 now) needs to decompress when he comes back from visiting his mom. Life with her is stressful, uncertain and combative. There is an older brother now 19 and sister now 16 who fight with mom often during his visit which leaves him detached and stressed out. He wants peace like us and aside from not wanting to do his homework, is a great guy. We had all three but the two older children ran back to the mom (empty fridge, no car, no money, various boyfriends) because we had reasonable expectations (clean your room & do your homework). Always make choices you can live with in your conscience. Think before you speak, be their LIFE COACH or in the past several years Hallmark now has cards that say 'Like A Mom'. It is a proud title for a kind soul like you. I respect all children in my company and I stay out of children's minds with negative comments ... what I do for them is present opportunity to see the world another way. We have all come together in the kitchen making cupcakes, cookies and homemade pizza. I have found 'distraction' of their sorrows helps them too. I believe it is important to acknowledge childrens feelings, they need to know their voice is heard and that they matter too. The 13 yr old boy just told his dad recently he does not really remember his mom in his younger memories very much at all. With me he has countless memories of cooking in the kitchen, sledding, movies, bowling, board games, me helping with his homework, or holding him while he cries from another canceled dinner by his mom and more. He did not say/recognize that but I know he does. I have showed him so much in the last 6 years he may, or may not have experienced. But it was kind, gentle, loving exposure less the drama. We have good talks he and I, for me it is enough to know I have gifted these things to him and lets see what he does. :) Yes, I am sorry but they will need decompression time but be glad they are coming home to you, who truly loves and cares for them and is willing to make personal sacrifices so that they get what they need whether it be an after-school snack or a shoulder to make soggy. It will hurt less if they don't cry alone .. or if they need space let them know you are nearby. It will hurt less if the adults in their life recognize their mom is still alive and may still be able to do them some good (sounds like with needed supervision). It will hurt less if Dad spends time with them and tells them they did nothing wrong, that this happens to families sometimes, not just theirs and that they are not alone. They are made half of their mom, anything derogatory about their mom would wound them deeply, especially coming from us a step mom, always remember you are not competing with her in any way. You are brought into their life as a blessing of goodness, be well knowing you are doing good things for them, they are young and know not the ways of the world. This is my second set of step children, they are all different and handled their challenges how ever worked for them. Be gentle, be patient, that will help it hurt less. Kids love to go back in time, have their dad tell them the loooong version of the day they were born, just fill them with how special they are to you, that will help it hurt less. I see all children of divorced parents as 'wounded lambs'. I would not cut off the mom, she sounds very ill and may or may not get better. I would only visit if you can afford it and if you do always remember 'decompression'. With all your heart try not to focus on not being the mommy, a child need not come from your womb to love them like your own. Remember, you are the one there now, you are helping to shape their memories, be proud of caring so much for them. I know it is tiring, imagine how much these children will teach you. The children in my life have taught me so much it is THEIR wisdom I share with you now. Maybe you could give them each a journal to write their feelings in? I read Carole Banks note to you, there is wisdom there you may want to try a couple ideas. This is your walk now, do your best, sounds like you deeply truly care. Sometimes people come into our lives as a life boat and sometimes we are their life boat. You are these girls second chance I am glad you all have each other. I don't know everything but I know these girls will teach you too. Sincerely, A very proud Step Mom ~ Julia
This sounds like a hard situation for all concerned. Whenever there is illness in a family, there are challenges. One of your challenges, certainly, is comforting these children when they are sad. It is perfectly natural for them to miss their mother, regardless of what the living conditions were when they were together. Instead of trying to compare how they live now with how they lived then, offer understanding of the sadness they feel and their longing for her. You could say to them, “I’m sure it’s hard to not see your Mom. Would you like to draw her a picture to send to her?” Encourage them to keep in touch with her as best they can, including personal visits. If you feel they could use more support, ask the school guidance counselor or their pediatrician if there are groups for grieving children that they might attend. We wish your family the best.
We’re so sorry to hear this has happened to your family. It would make sense that you feel a lot of anger toward your son’s father because your son is hurting, but it probably won’t help you to dwell on those feelings for long and it won’t help your son to share your angry feelings with him. The tricky part here is that your son needs to have a ‘good story’ in his head about his father. All kids need this. You can help with this by telling your son how he and his Dad are alike and what you knew of and liked about his father when you met him. It will not help your son, even in this situation—to only think bad things about his father. Plus it won’t make sense to him that you we’re attracted to someone ‘bad’. You certainly can also say to your son that you’re sorry this has happened to him and try to comfort him when he is confused, angry, or grieving. As far as an explanation, you really don’t have one and you’re probably better off expressing puzzlement to your son—you don’t understand why his Dad is not seeing him right now. Being puzzled sends the message that it does not makes sense that someone would not want to know him. We wish your family the best as you work through this difficult issue.
I feel for you and your child in such difficult circumstances. However, my situation varies in that my son is 15, has ADHD and Autism and his Dad has not been seen since I mentioned the word 'pregnant'. My son is really struggling with the fact that his Dad wants nothing to do with us and I have tried explaining it in so many ways and until recently I didn't even disrespect his Dad in anyway. My son has had counselling but it hasn't done any good and I don't know how else to help him. He is so angry all the time and it's affecting his school life/work. He thinks its because of his special needs, but I have explained that he wasn't around before we knew he had problems.
We recently found out that his L. has married and has a son (not 100% sure if he's biological or not) and he even went on holiday a mile away from our house, despite living in Wales and we live on the South Coast. So very cruel!!! This hurts my son all the more. L.'s friend has discontinued our friendship on facebook because my son contacted him wanting to know about his father. So its obvious L. wants nothing to do with him to this day.
Please could you advise me on how I can help my son come to terms with this awful, waste of space Dad, before it ruins the rest of his life.
Dear Digger, There is so much hurt in your story, I am so sorry how hard things have been and still are for you. My daughter is now 9 and does get 'mad' at me, so some of that can be expected. The experts would probably tell us that the acting out (tantrums)is to get our attention. I heard of a game once where when our child is not cooperating we can not 'see' them, so we play a game 'where are you'? When they calm down and warm up, then we can see them again. I learned by another article that we tell our acting out child to 'Stop the Show'. I've even asked my daughter if I could get some popcorn for this show? ( I mean not to down play how exhausted you are, I hear that. Just a different way to look at it.) I worked in Daycare for a period of time, when a child is in a state of tantrum, it gets under our skin. So my thought is to look at how *you* are responding to the tantrums or are you reacting and getting charged up? Do you remember that saying our life is 15% what happens to us and 85% how we react to it? I say let her know she needs to go in her room and close the door to do that. When she is ready to talk kindly to you then she should come out. She is inviting you to loose it, show her you are in charge of your feelings and are choosing to maintain your motherly level of personal emotional control. I bet she is actually watching you to see what you will do? Maybe if you pick up a magazine and become unimpressed, she may get tired of it herself.
As for her dad not ever calling for her because he can't. I am sure you have told her he watches over her and she can pray to him and he will hear her tender words and that will make his light in heaven shine all that much brighter. Maybe she could have a loving 'dad box' with special things he gave her that she could treasure. Do you have a blanket or shirt of his she could wrap around her with love for quiet times? I deeply believe it is important to respect our children's feelings and coach them how to handle them. She needs help handling all her life's journey has asked of her. Have you found any grief services for children in your area? I bet a local funeral home would know. Sorry this was so long. My heart goes out to you and I send you much strength & courage. :) You are her greatest role model, do you show her how hard *you* try?