How do you stop arguing with your child? The best and most effective approach to stop arguing is to refuse to take part in arguments in the first place.
When you engage in constant arguing with your child, over time he will begin to believe that he is your peer and has the power to challenge you. The more powerful he thinks he is, and the more arguing gets him what he wants, the more he will use arguing as a way to solve his problems.
It’s important to learn how to manage this type of behavior in your kids. And one of the best ways to manage it is to understand that you can’t win an argument with your child by arguing because you lose once you allow yourself to get dragged into the argument in the first place.
I know it isn’t easy to disengage from an argument. Indeed, it’s probably one of the most difficult things to do as a parent because we are so emotionally wrapped up in our kids’ lives. The lesson here is, “How can I let my child mature and become independent with the fewest fights possible?”
Remember, the goal here is for your child to learn how to be responsible, to be independent, and to develop effective problem-solving skills. And incessant arguing to get what you want is not an effective way to do this.
Let me be clear: there is a difference between a disagreement and a habitual pattern of arguing with your child. You want to teach your kids appropriate ways to communicate a disagreement. Knowing how to express disagreements effectively is an important life skill.
Generally, it’s best to talk about disagreements when both of you are calm. Your child should learn how to state his or her point of view respectfully. This means without name-calling or being rude.
Listening is also a critical skill here because you need to be able to hear what the other person has to say without negating them or becoming defensive. In the end, you may not change your mind, but at least each side has spoken and been heard.
Something my husband, James Lehman, and I always advised parents was:
“You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.”
That means that you don’t have to get sucked into an argument every time your child wants to have one.
The nine steps outlined below will help you to break the habit of ineffective arguing with your child and will enable you to begin using more effective techniques to change your child’s unacceptable behaviors.
The first step in changing this pattern with your child is for you to know yourself and know your triggers. What pushes your buttons easily? There may even be times of the day when arguments seem to happen more easily. Maybe in your case, it’s the morning rush to get everyone out of the house. Be aware of those times and plan around them.
My trigger was coming home from work and seeing my teenage son lounging in the living room eating potato chips—usually leaving a mess. It would push my buttons and we would get into it immediately. I had to work at not getting angry, giving myself a break, and giving myself some down time after work. I would go up to my room, change, and decompress from my day. Later, when I was calm, I could talk to my son about cleaning up without losing my temper.
Know that when you get into patterns of arguing, it makes it difficult to respond thoughtfully to your kids. Arguing becomes habitual. It becomes your go-to response to any issue. And it erodes the relationship.
I understand that parental stresses in our lives can make us feel out of whack. Sometimes we just don’t know other ways of coping, so we lose the ability to effectively communicate. Unfortunately, if we do the same thing over and over, we’re going to keep getting the same results because nothing’s going to change.
Once you see that fighting with your child has become a pattern, you need to stop in your tracks and re-evaluate how you’re interacting with him.
Answering these questions will help you have that insight you need, so the next time you’re there with your child, you’ll be able to stop yourself. Remember, no one ever usually “wins” an argument. Instead, it’s really about what gets avoided through arguing. And what your child generally wants to avoid are consequences, limits and being held accountable for his behavior.
In the end, fighting becomes an ineffective habit, one that leads your child to believe that he can simply use arguing to get what he wants.
If you start acknowledging this pattern, you can start to make a change. Plan a strategy for the next time you see a fight emerging. Decide ahead of time that you will not “play” the next time your child tries to pull you into a power struggle.
To make this more clear, here’s an example. Let’s say you’ve given your teen daughter a consequence and she’s trying to get out of it by fighting with you. If you stay in the room and the argument continues, you’re just giving her more power. Instead, you can simply say:
“We’ve talked about what’s going to happen. I don’t want to discuss it anymore.”
And then leave the room. When you leave, you take all the power with you, and your child will be left yelling at the wall.
Once you’ve realized that you have a certain pattern with your child and you’ve decided that you’re going to change it, let your child know that you’re not going to give in to these arguments anymore. Depending on the age of your child, you can even say something like:
“I’m going to work on not arguing anymore. It doesn’t work for us. The next time this comes up I am going to ask you to go to your room until we both calm down and can talk.”
Your kids are watching you for a living. You can teach your children not to argue by acting differently with them. When you start interacting differently by not arguing, you’re going to teach your kids a different way of communicating. You’re role modeling and you’re offering a different pattern of communication.
Remember, our kids watch us for a living and our behavior teaches them more than our words do.
Begin with small steps. The first time you walk away from an argument, it feels great. You made the plan and followed through. Your child may not be happy that you did it, but you probably will. Change may start with a very small step. It could be “the next time my child argues when I say no, this is what I’m going to do.” Plan it out and then follow through.
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t easy. Your child might not respond the way you want him to right away, but don’t get discouraged. Just stick with it and know that it may take time.
As a parent, instead of arguing with your child, think about how you want to come across. Sometimes changing the way you communicate can have a big impact.
Instead of raising your voice, lower your voice. Instead of being wordy with your child, be direct and to the point. A good thing to say when your child is not complying with a request is:
“What are you supposed to be doing right now?”
When your child answers, simply say:
“Then go do it.”
Change your style, especially with things that cause a chronic argument. I know a family who writes notes or emails to each other when they’re angry, rather than exploding into a fight, and this works for them. Be creative and think about different ways you can communicate in the moment to avoid fights with your child.
Figure out different kinds of places to have those conversations with your kids. If you always argue as you’re rushing off to school in the morning, plan to have a different conversation or deal with that topic at a different time.
Or if your child is older, you can ride in the car and have a tough conversation when you might not otherwise do so. If they’re even older, maybe go to a restaurant or sit at a coffee shop and have a conversation there, or try going for a walk.
The changes you make now with your children are going to require you to be brave and courageous. This is hard work, but making these changes can break the cycle of arguing. It will pay off in the long run—it’s so important for your kids to learn better communication skills that they will need as they get older.
Sometimes arguments are hurtful because someone escalates and says something mean or cruel. As a parent, if you can take those words your child hurls at you less personally, it can be immensely helpful. It’s more about the argument (and your child wanting to win) and less about how he feels.
Please note that I’m not talking about threatening words or verbal abuse here, which should be dealt with more sternly by you as a parent. You can read more about that in these articles:
If you find you’re arguing with your child all the time, consider getting some outside support. Keep reading Empowering Parents and interact with the online community here. Or try a parenting program like The Total Transformation® for tools to deal with your child’s behavior. Try to connect with those who you trust. Talk to a friend, a guidance counselor, your spouse, or your partner.
It’s good to remember that all parents make mistakes and that there is a next time. We don’t learn how to do everything the right way overnight. This is something we have to work on. The good news is that we’re able to learn from our mistakes, and change and grow as parents.
Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program, The Complete Guide To Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™.