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Over the years, many parents have asked me why their kids aren’t motivated and what they can do about it. How can you get your child to be more motivated? To do better in school? To even go to school?

The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated. They’re just motivated to resist you and others when they do not want to do something. The key is to learn how to turn their negative motivation into a positive one.

Lack of Motivation is a Form of Resistance

When kids won’t get out of bed, won’t do their homework or school assignments, or won’t get involved in activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist. The motivation is to do things their way, not yours. The motivation is to retain power.

When kids feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch, and withhold overall involvement because it gives her a sense of being in control.

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To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have control over what’s going on around him.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

All Kids are Motivated by Something

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do.

So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

Kids Resist Because They Lack Problem-Solving Skills

The child who uses resistance as a form of control lacks both social skills and problem-solving skills.

They don’t have the social skills to know how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, and how to feel comfortable with themselves. Also, they don’t have the problem-solving skills to figure out what people want from them, how to deal with other people’s behavior, and how to meet expectations and demands.

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These are basic skills we all have to learn in order to be successful as adults.

If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve problems, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve problems appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids problem-solving skills is to understand that these kids are not helpless victims. Instead, they’re simply trying to solve problems in an ineffective manner.

Don’t Argue or Fight With Your Child About Motivation

Very often these kids are motivated by the power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents, therefore, is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s causing the power struggle.

But if parents don’t have those other ways then the power struggle continues with no end in sight.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth then he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes, or he won’t do his homework.

Understand that when you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving their resisting behavior power. So don’t yell. Don’t argue. Don’t give their resisting behavior power.

I understand that parents get frustrated—that’s normal. And sometimes you will lose your calm, even when you know better.

The point I want to make here is that yelling and fighting won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling and fighting over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Here’s what to do instead.

Be Clear, Calm, and Give Consequences for Your Child’s Behavior

Make the situation clear for the child. Use “I” words. Say the following:

“I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.”

“I want you to do your homework now.”

Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability.

If your child says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore her. She will tell you she doesn’t care just as a way to feel in control. Or, she may not care now, but as consequences get applied consistently, she will eventually see compliance as a better alternative to consequences.

Therefore, give consequences. And don’t worry if the kid doesn’t like it. You are not your child’s friend, you’re their parent.

Related content: Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going

By the way, if your child doesn’t get out of bed, he shouldn’t be doing anything else. He shouldn’t get to play video games. He shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If he’s too sick to go to school, he shouldn’t be going out of the house. These rules should be set and enforced consistently.

Give Effective Consequences

Understanding what is and what is not an effective consequence is critical. The right consequences actually motivate your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be a successful adult.

Know that effective consequences are not punishments. Indeed, I say all the time that you can’t punish your child into behaving better.

All parents should read my article on how to give kids consequences that work. And take a look at my sample video from The Complete Guide to Consequences.

Let Your Child Experience Natural Consequences

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let her experience the consequences of her behavior. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to step back and say:

“Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.”

But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say:

“Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want to do your homework during that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games, and you can’t watch TV. If you choose not to do your homework, that’s your choice. And if you fail, that’s your choice too.”

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later.

Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class, and doing homework.

Don’t Forget to Use Rewards

Along with the plan to let her experience the natural consequences of her decisions, build in rewards for success if she does make the right decision.

For example, if my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C, we just didn’t reward it.

So my son eventually strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Be Patient and Persistent

Calmly and consistently using effective consequences is your fastest and best way to get your child motivated. Just be patient and persistent as consequences do their job and your child begins to learn better problem-solving skills. And know that the vast majority of kids come around and get motivated once they are held accountable in a meaningful way.

Related content: Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

About

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

Comments (12)
  • Sandra
    Sometimes the lack of motivation is a sign of something deeper - fear and shame felt because of failing grades - and so the child enters denial and resistance mode.
  • Justine
    But the problem is that the homework is on the computer. So, how do I expect homework to get done if a consequence is taking away the computer and if he has the computer, he will just play video games. I have to work all day so I cannot sitMore with him and monitor the computer. He is failing all of his classes and he doesn’t care! The school will send him to the next grade. There really is no natural consequences.
    • Tracy
      I have the same situation with my son. Ignores homework or any other responsibilities, bedroom is a disaster. Can't babysit all day, I am a single mom and I work full time. He knows how much this upsets me yet he does nothing to fix it. I take xbox, pcMore power cords away, NOTHING motivates this kid.
  • Dad.com
    The issue with parents right now is that they have the same issue of all assuming their child’s goal is to fight them and be rebellious. A lot of kids who are struggling right now would love to pass and work hard and get good grades, but there are manyMore factors such as depression, low self-esteem and confidence, and the reaction, the relationship, and the treatment from the parents that greatly effect a child's motivation and perspective. Stop using punishment as a way to help your kid, use positive re-enforcement, and let then understand that what they’re going through isn’t their fault, they didn’t choose to be depressed, stressed, or have little to no motivation. Try and be helpful and realize that they are the ones carrying more emotional baggage then you can imagine.
  • Hyporeal
    Agree with some other comments here re consequences - they made difficult situations much much worse. No tv? She turned it on anyway. Confiscated phone/guitar - ransacked the house & took my keys in order to find them. Eventually, at age 24 she was diagnosed with severe ADHD, &More I realised those consequences would have produced anxiety in her worse than the original requests.
  • AD
    I have a daughter that won't get out of bed. I agree that fighting about it only leads to fighting about every step of the morning. I would love to simply let her fail of her own accord but the reality is that I can't also sit at homeMore with her all day to make sure she she doesn't watch tv or whatever. Letting them be isn't maybe a practical solution either.
  • Robin
    Interesting article; however, I see nothing in here to address the possibility that children who refuse to get out of bed or leave the house may have some underlying illness they cannot control, such as depression and anxiety. Your stance on this is emphatic and can be dangerous for familiesMore living with children in crisis. By labeling children as “lazy” and “unmotivated” you are minimizing the severity of what it can mean to a child who cannot get out of bed and in some cases leave the house because of such severe anxiety and depression.
  • Eva
    We’ve done all of the recommended approaches in this article. While I do not doubt it is good advice for 40% of the cases....sometimes it’s just the individual genes. It’s not the parenting in my case. We’ve got a successful kind compassionate all A student who participates with the familyMore and an unmotivated (yes-unmotivated) son who feels life has no meaning but enjoys lying, self indulgence, cruelty, and messing up the house in addition to getting mediocre grades. Sometimes you have to let them fail- leave the house- and choose their own fate because they actively resist help. Sometimes good parents have bad kids. Sad but true.
  • ExhaustedMom
    I'd be surprised if the success rate on whatever this is, is higher than 25%. Sounds like gibberish to me.....when you have a lazy, unmotivated child, consequences do not matter. No counselor knows what to do with my son and his teachers say they've never seen such a lazy kid.
    • LeeJ
      Agree 100%. Great article…would be nice but consequences do not matter to some kids now.
  • Bec C

    Thanks for taking the time to put this article together to support parents. This is something I spend a lot of time also doing. I would love to be able to use your work as a reference for the families I come in contact with. The above article leaves me with a question that I feel would come up if I used it; "If the key is to avoid the power struggle, how do I then avoid the power struggle that would ensue from implementing the consequence?" Many of the struggles people have result from the secondary behaviour that follows the logical (as opposed to natural) consequence implementation. I look forward to hearing your strategies for this next step. Kindest Regards

    Bec

    • rcrdnnz
      I have the same question as Bec C. When I impose consequences, a struggle ensues. My child screams, destroys property, runs away, climbs on the roof, just to name a few. How do I handle the resulting rage?
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