If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work, and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task. If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t
punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.
“As James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.”
Rather, an effective consequence should encourage your child to change their behavior – whether that is abiding by the house rules, or treating people respectfully. So first, you need to identify the behavior you want to see changed. For example, if your child swears when they don’t get their way, you want them to behave more appropriately. Instead of grounding or punishing, or even reasoning with your child when he gets angry and lashes out, an effective consequence here would require your child to practice better behavior – and improve their self-control – for a period of time before their normal privileges are restored.
Let’s break this down according to the Total Transformation Program:
- Effective consequences are ones that are connected to the original behavior, and are both task- and time-specific.
- “Connected to the original behavior” means that your consequence needs to be related to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve.
- “Task specific” means that there is something your child needs to accomplish, or practice related to the original problem. This is a concrete behavior, like washing the dishes, meeting curfew, or not swearing.
- “Time specific” means there is a specific amount of time in which he needs to demonstrate that behavior.
So, when your child swears, he might lose access to his electronics until he can go without swearing for two hours. The consequence is tied to the behavior – he swore so he has to practice not swearing. This consequence is task specific – it requires him to exercise the part of his brain that governs self-control. If he wants his stuff back, he has to practice better behavior. And it’s time specific – he needs to demonstrate self control for two hours, then he is free to have his privileges.
It’s important to understand that you can’t get your child to not feel angry, or not get frustrated. That’s just part of being human. But you can require that they change the way they deal with those feelings. You can expect them to practice some self-control. Your goal is to require that your child practice the better behavior for a certain amount of time before they get their privileges back. So practice—and behavioral improvement— equals the restoration of privileges.
If they yell about their consequence, or how unfair it is, you might say, “I understand that you’re angry. Yelling is not going to get you what you want. Once you’ve been able to deal with your anger appropriately for two hours, you will get your electronics back.” Do not continue to explain your consequences, or justify your decisions. He may mumble to himself, or text his friends about how awful his parents are, and it may take some time, but eventually your child will decide to practice those skills that earn back his electronics.
Choosing a Consequence
Think of it this way: a privilege is a motivator. The withdrawal, or granting, of a privilege should give your child incentive to follow the rules of your house, even when they don’t agree with those rules. An effective consequence is a privilege your child is interested in. For some kids, video games are a powerful motivator, while other kids could care less about them. Taking away a cell phone for two hours works for some kids; others would just find another way to communicate. In order to choose the right privilege to use as a consequence, you have to know your child. What are their interests? What would really impact them if they lost it for a short period of time? Some parents tell us that using the blanket term “All electronics” works better than just saying “No video games,” which can make kids turn to the computer or the television as a distraction.
Remember, the right privilege should be an activity that your child will actually miss. Withhold that privilege until your child completes the task you’ve set for them. James Lehman suggests that you sit down with your child and come up with a list of privileges and consequences together. The advantage here is that you are working as a team to solve the problem. It can help you identify things or activities your child truly values. It also clarifies what the consequences will be for certain infractions—for everyone involved. Not only will your child know what will happen if he breaks a certain rule, but the parents don't have to spend time coming up with something in the heat of the moment.
If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to Care What You Use as a Consequence…
Many parents call the Parental Support Line saying that their kid doesn’t seem to care what they take away. Recently, one dad said to me in exasperation, “Even though my daughter lives to text, she acts like she could care less when her texting rights are taken away. Nothing works with her!” Some kids appear not to care what activity you restrict; they pretend they didn’t want to do it anyway.
But look at it this way: would your child really want you to know that they care about the consequence you’re giving them? Would they reveal their reaction to you and let you know you got to them? That would make it seem like you have power over them, and they aren’t about to concede on that one! So some kids, like the teenage girl above, feign indifference when you remove a privilege. If you’ve watched your child and know that what you’re taking away really does impact them, don’t worry about whether or not they seem suitably upset at the loss of it.
What if the Consequences Still Aren’t Working?
So what if you know you’ve chosen a valuable privilege, and your consequences still aren’t working? The key here is to take a look at the length of time privileges are removed. Is it too long? Does your child lose interest in what you’ve taken away (the “out of sight, out of mind” dilemma)? Is the time frame so long that your child can’t possibly be successful (no swearing for a whole month)?
Remember, your goal is to create better behavior in your child, and the consequence/privilege needs to encourage that improvement by being time-specific. If you truly want your child to improve their behavior, you need to create an environment in which your child can succeed. The time span of your consequence is important – it should be long enough that your child has to stretch their skills, and short enough that you have a good chance of seeing improvement. To be effective, a consequence needs to be short-term, task specific, and involve a privilege your child values. Your goal here is to produce a child who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities, and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. Your consequences and privileges help get them there.
One last word of advice: Parents often want to see their child’s behavior improve overnight. If you are faced with a child who behaves inappropriately under stress, your consequences should require him to practice and get better. Don’t expect perfection immediately. Like any new skill, better behavior takes practice. When implementing a new consequence, you can expect some failure. You can expect that you may need to restart a couple of times. In the beginning, you may find that your child behaves inappropriately every day, and has their privileges removed often. That doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong consequence. It simply means your child needs time to practice better skills. And they need you to keep them practicing.
If you are a Total Transformation customer, you can access the Parental Support Line for help with these and other challenges you’re experiencing with your child. Support Line specialists have helped hundreds of parents develop effective consequences and privileges, and we can help you, too.
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The article is great and makes alot of sense. We have a 16yo daughter who is for the most part a good kid. The other night she and a friend lied and said they were sleeping at eachothers house. They ended up sleeping over at a boys house instead. She immediately regretted the decision but panicked and went ahead with the plan as they had already lied and didnt know what to do. The next day she confessed and told us everything. We are struggling to come up with a consequence to fit the offense. She has lied on occasion in the past but nothing this large. What is appropriate? We are unsure as we dont want to go to light or to heavy...Any thoughts?
Comment By : shellw
Shellw: I have an 19year old who did exactly the same thing at 15. Once they commit themselves to something, regardless of how panic stricken they are once 'in it' they rarely back out for fear of looking silly in front of their friends. In her case though the circumstances meant she was in over her head she did not initially improve her behaviour and rebelled. The potential consequences mean nothing to them. The confession is a good sign. I would say to her that if in future she wishes to stay at a friends house, that you will require confirmation via a face to face conversation with a parent that the arrangement is definite and that you will require this for a fixed period, say two weeks, until you are comfortable that you won't be lied to again. If she gives you a ''no way, I'm not a baby'' or whatever, then you say 'that's fine, either it won't happen at all, or your friend will have to come stay here so I know where you are' Its a trust/safety issue and she needs to earn that back, by deferring to you even once you can let her know that her behaviour is much more of a grown up nature and therefore you may give her the benefit of the doubt once your trust is reinstated. This worked for me. Although it took a couple of months and a lot of silent treatment! Good luck.
Comment By : Shelley1964
Be proud of the fact that she had enough conscience to tell you the truth. That was hard enough on it's own. A weekend doing chores at home with you or a few days without contact with that particular friend would be top of my list. I would definately talk to the other girl's parents and make sure that they know what happened. I might even take her along to tell what happened. For a while I would let her know that I would be calling to VERIFY all her plans with the parents that would be in charge when she was away from home. Trust takes time to earn back.
Good Luck and believe that it will be better.
Comment By : anothermother
I'm getting better at this but my kid somehow stays a step ahead. When I take away a privilage that matters,he sneaks it back. I've had to remove all electronics to grandmas house and stlll he got in and "used". this hurts the other deserving kids in our family. When I'm creative enough to prevent the sneakiness, he goes figuratively "limp" stops caring, or doing anything productive.
Comment By : depleted mom
My daughter did this also at 16. For a while, I always called the parents and she knew I would do it too. So it took time to earn my trust again. She learned her lesson.
My daughter and her friend decided, when I went out of town over night, to take my car when they had their permit, without my knowledge or consent. Then later that evening her friend and her took her friend's mom's van. She got caught because my father in law stopped at the house and he called me because my car was gone. Her friend got her driver's license two weeks later w/no consequences and her parents bought her a car. My daughter had to wait an extra 6 months after her birthday before I would let her get her licence, so it was 9 mths. total before she had her license. I told her she could have hurt or killed someone, she not only put her life but everyone elses life in danger. She is 18 now and still talks about how her friend never got punished. They are no longer friends. My daughter's choice.
Comment By : tra
I appreciate these newsletters. I've not been successful with all of the suggested methods, but I believe you are correct in most of them and I need to try more consistancy in enforcing these traits. This is a very helpful company and I wish I could afford your program for my grandchildren. However, I cannot therefore I'm grateful for the newsletters. Thank God you send them.
Comment By : Rebecca
Awesome! I have learned the art of timing consequences over the years. It's just like when they were younger, swift and concise. Let them know you mean business but be fair. EVEN WHEN YOU ARE ENFURIATED! Hard to do, but it works. Don't be tempted to overpunish out of anger. It's tough, I still tend to go for the huge punishment, but these articles are great. They are informative and at the very least a reminder of what we already know will work, but tend to forget when we're caught up in the momentum.
Comment By : kris
We take our daughters (age 14)electronics away from her as a consequence for yelling at us or being totally disrespectable. But the way we have to get them is take them from her when she is away or asleep. She will stand toe to toe with us telling us we can not have them and her comment of "She did not do anything wrong" about everything. Any suggestions on how to better handle that?
Comment By : Dana
what do you do when your 17 year old is having her 22 year old boyfriend come in when we are all asleep to spend the night, going to school late, and just last night arested for shoplefting. When we tell her she cant go out she does anyway.
Comment By : wolfe
We take away our daughter's cell phone too when she is disrespectful and now she hands it over without a fight because her Dad told her that if she didn't, he would cut off the service anyway and then it would be gone for a very long time. She didn't believe him, so he did it and now that problem doesn't come up anymore.
Comment By : cathy
* Dear Dana: Try to build in a choice instead of getting into a tug of war with her. Kids frequently dig in when they’re really mad. Tell her that she loses phone privileges for 2 hours for speaking to you disrespectfully, that you expect her to put the phone on the kitchen counter. If the phone is not on the counter within the next half hour there will be additional consequences, “So let’s not go there.” Then turn around and leave. Let her choose to comply or not to comply. You need to keep your consequences relatively short so that this method works. Hope this is helpful. Good luck!
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I need help with my 14 year old son. We get notes frequently from school from the teachers or emails regarding rude behavior. The most he gets is a call to home or detention. The even harder part is that they say its been a while but now call us to do something. Anyway, we give concequences but it still continues. We take away the cell phone, outside, computer ect its fine for some time then it happens again. What else can I do? I am sick to death of this and it fuels my frustration more when I have to talk with the someone from the school. This cycle has to stop. HELP!
Comment By : florida mom
Our 14 year old daughter has taken up a friendship (she says) with a 21 year old man she met at a friend's house. This guy dresses like he's 14 and acts like he is, so our daughter doesn't seem to be getting the fact that he's an adult. She sneaked down to his friend's house a month ago and they were all out walking at 3am and the police saw them. We had to go pick her up (she had told us she was somewhere else). We grounded her- no phone, computer for schooolwork only, and no friends on weekends for a month. She was very pleasant during that month. As soon as it was over, yesterday she said she was walking the dog and I went to look for her and this man and two friends were in the park with her, being cozy on a picnic bench. She came home and I took away her phone and computer again. I called the police and they say they can't do anything because there's no crime in having a friend who's 21. What do we do?
Comment By : Another Florida mom
* To Another Florida Mom:
Start with your house rules:
Be very clear what your dating/socializing rules are. For example, you are not allowed to date at 14 years old and you must socialize with teens your own age or within 1 year of your age. It’s not appropriate for you to have a private friendship with someone who is 7 years older than yourself.
Assist her socialization:
Host parties at your house, volunteer to take her and her friends to the movies and attend with them. If her only friends are boys, challenge her to encourage friendships with girls by hosting pizza party sleepovers.
Dad time:
Encourage her father to have special one-on-one time with her, like a weekend breakfast together. If Dad’s not available, then Granddad or an Uncle. This male adult should be someone who treats her with love and respect —- the way you want her to expect to be treated in relationships with males.
Consequences that fit the crime:
If she’s outside of the house and meeting someone she should not be, simply taking her computer away but still allowing her to go out is not the best plan. She has to gradually earn the privilege of going out —- even to walk the dog by herself -— as she slowly rebuilds trust with you. She can walk the dog, but not alone for awhile.
Hope this is helpful. Good luck!
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I personally was a kid who did the whole I am spending the night at a friend's house and actually spent the night in a motel with my friend and her boyfriend and a couple of his friends. Now that I look back at why I did it, I really felt ignored by my parents. I was acting out as a way of saying, hey, I'm here and need attention too. My father was an alcoholic and only acknowledged me when he was drunk for the most part. He didn't approve of my B's or B+ in school, so I overworked myself to get straight A's. Since that didn't get his attention unless he was drunk, I guess I just went to drastic measures. Thankfully nothing happened to me that night, but I have regretted it the rest of my life. Perhaps proper father/daughter time and attention would have helped then and building of our relationship.
Comment By : carousel66
The quality Dad time advise is good and I would not have thought of that. I was VERY fortunate to have a very loving and affectionate father. I see many confused and dysfunctional young women seeking attention, any attention from any male they come across. They are viewed as needy and easy to take advantage of because of their neediness (is that a word?). Both parents play such a role in the emotional developement of children... boy, we can mess them up, too.
Comment By : maximac222
I am just starting out. I have a 16 year old with a fowl mouth and a BAD attitude. I love what I have read and really think this could help.
Comment By : worndownmom
I truly am thankful for this site. I have had a wonderful daughter I have raised alone since she was 5 ... Ex Husband became deadbeat Dad at that point. She has been such a sweet kind good kid her whole life, I am LOST why now at 15 I am beginning to have problems. I HATE the fact that everyone always said she was going to have MEN issues because her Dad wasnt there, even when she was wonderful all her life, NOW with her acting out everyone is like See I told you, and SHE is feeding into it which is not like her. I feel like the daughter I had for 14 yrs has died and been replaced by someone I dont know, its very difficult for me right now and I thank you all for this site.
Comment By : tryingtobpositivemom
my 9 yr old son often will refuse to go to bed. When we attempt to put a consequence in place he still refuses to listen. If we ignore the atttention-getting behaviours such as repeated taping the couch or the wall, and we don't react, he will try another tactic such as pushing the clean laundry on the floor. Anything to get a reaction! Sometimes to the point when we get angry and yelling begins. When that happens everything falls apart as you can imagine. Any ideas?
Comment By : gands
I was a single dad with 3 girls living with me for the past 4 years. I now have 2, as the oldest, 14 no longer wanted to follow any rules of the house. She continually fought and threatened her sisters. She had always insisted on living with her mother who is 2 hours away. She has been there since April. Now things ar emuch better in the house for all of us. I know it sounds bad but it is happier and more peaceful without her around. I have seen her a couple of times when she comes back to stay. A couple of times back she was so defiant that she did not want to ofollow any guidelines. I told her to call her mother and have her come get her. I really do not know what to do. It hurts that she is not here with her sisters, but it really is much more peaceful around the house. Even her mother says she is too much when the other girls come to stay.
Comment By : bk
