In part two of this series on running away, James tells you how to handle it when your child is on the streets, and what to say when they come home—including giving them consequences for their actions.
For kids, running away is like taking a long, dangerous timeout. They may use it to avoid some difficulty at home, or to hide from something that’s embarrassing to them. You can also look at running away as a power struggle, because kids will often run instead of taking responsibility for their actions or complying with house rules. Above all, as a parent, what you don't want to do is give it power. That's the cardinal rule: do not give this behavior power.
The forces that drive your child to run are more powerful than the thought that he might get a consequence.
In the last article, I discussed what you can do before your child leaves, and how to create an atmosphere of acceptance at home. In part two, I’d like to talk about what you can do when your child is out on the streets, and how you should handle their re-entry back into home life.
WHAT TO DO WHILE YOUR CHILD IS ON THE STREET
Leave a Paper Trail
If your child has run away, you need to call the police, plain and simple. I understand that not all parents want to do this, but I think it’s imperative that you take this step. I can’t stress this enough: you want to have a written record that your child is not under your supervision, and that should be recorded at the police station. Also, if you call and report your child missing, know that your call will be recorded. I hate to say it, but one of the paradoxes for parents is that the authorities will often ask, “Why did you let your child run away?” when in fact, there's no way they can make them stay at home. Do your best to answer as honestly as you can, because it’s very important to document what’s happening. You should also call the Department of Human Services to create a paper trail there, too. They may very well tell you that they can’t give you any help, but the point is, you documented it. Be sure to write down the name of the case worker you talked to for future reference.
Should You Look for Your Child on the Streets?
I personally don’t believe in going and looking for your child on the streets if they are children who chronically run away. I don’t think you should give that kind of behavior a lot of power. The rules should be really clear in the family: “If you run away, you’ve got to make your way back here. I'm not going to come looking for you or call all your friends. If you're not home, I'll call the police.”
There are those parents who look for their kids to make sure they’re okay. I understand that impulse, but again, I don't think you want to give your child too much power or special status when they run away. If they get too much attention and too much power, you're just encouraging them to do it again the next time there's a problem. Unintentional reinforcement is something you have to be very careful about.
If you do find your child, you can say, “Look, when you're ready to come home, we'll talk about it.” I'm personally very leery about parents who chase after their kids and beg and plead. If you do beg them to come home, when your child comes back, they will have more power and you have less. From then on, whenever they want something or don’t want to be held accountable for their actions, they’ll play the runaway card.
The Sad Truth: Lack of Community Support for Parents of Runaways
Remember, it's your child’s responsibility to stay at home since you legally have no way to keep them there. In fact, I know of kids who’ve actually left while the police were there. They just said, “I'm not taking this anymore,” and they walked out. And the cops said to the parents, “We can't do anything until he commits a crime.”
In the states where I've lived, if your child runs away and you call the police, by law they can't do anything. Part of the obstacle that parents face is a lack of community support. Amazingly, there's no statute that requires kids to live in a safe place. That really puts parents in a bad place because society won't make your child stay at home or even in a shelter. When I was a kid, if you ran away from home they would take you to court and put you on probation; you were simply not allowed to run the streets and be a delinquent. Unfortunately, that law has changed. Today, it’s estimated that there are between one to three million kids on the street in this country. You have to wait 24 hours before you file a Missing Persons report—and even if you file the report, the police might find your child living on the street but they can't make him come home. Now your child is no longer a missing person, and you have even less power in some ways. When that happens, you just have to wait until your child wants to come home.
COMING HOME: RE-ENTRY AND FAMILY RULES
If Your Child Says They are Ready to Come Home…
If your child has dropped out of school and is abusing substances and living on the streets, I don’t think they should be allowed to come home without certain conditions. And if it’s decided that they can return, their re-entry to home life should be very structured.
I know it’s hard, but I think that even if your child is crying on the phone, what you want to get clear is, “We love you very much and you can come back again, but the rules aren't changing.” I've seen parents with abusive kids tell them very simply, “You can't come home until we have a meeting and agree to some rules. And until then, stay with your friends.” It’s difficult for parents to do, but I support that.
Have a Frank Discussion: What to Say When Your Child is Back Home
One of the main things you want to talk to your returning child about is what they’re going to do differently this time. Ask, “What’s going to be different about the way you solve your problems, and what are you going to do the next time you want to run away?” I recommend that you have a frank discussion with them. Let them know that running away is a problem that simply complicates their lives and makes their other problems worse. Again, we want running away to be viewed as a problem your child has to learn to deal with. We know as adults that once you start running from something, you may run for the rest of your life. Running away is one of the ways kids solve problems, it’s just not an effective way to do so. And in fact, most solutions that depend upon power and control are ineffective.
The Consequences for Running Away:
If your child has run away to avoid consequences, he should do them when he comes back—immediately. That's what he ran away from, and that’s what he needs to face. Running away is a very dangerous and risky behavior, and I believe there should be a consequence for it, as well. The consequence doesn't have to be too punitive; keep it task-oriented. One of the problems with consequences is that if they're not lesson-oriented, then the concept you’re trying to teach is lost. I like a consequence that says, “Write out the whole story of how you ran away. What were you thinking, what were you trying to accomplish? And then tell me what you're going to do differently next time.” Sit down with your child and get them to process it with you, and then talk about what your child can do differently next time together. Always hold them accountable. For kids who run away chronically, if you send them to their room, they won't learn anything. But if you ground them from electronics until they write an essay, make amends, and tell you how they’re going to handle it differently, eventually the behavior will change.
Here’s the truth: nobody ever stopped running away because they were afraid of punishment. Nobody ever said, “I'm not going to run away because the consequences are too severe.” If you’re a parent of teen who is in danger of running away, realize that the forces that drive him to run are more powerful than the thought that he might get a consequence.
Use Repetition and Rehearsal to Change Behavior
If your child writes an essay about why they ran away and tells you they are sorry, whether they mean it or not really doesn't matter. The important thing is that the learning is going to change. Think of it this way: if you had a spelling test every day, whether you tried or not, you're going to learn to spell. It’s the same way for your child—he has to write those words out. One of the primary ways kids learn is through repetition and rehearsal. Part of that, by the way, is giving them task-oriented consequences, over and over again. It’s much better to have your child write an apology five times than to send them to their room for five hours. Eventually, that learning will sink in—I’ve seen it happen time and time again.
Should You Ever Tell Your Child to Leave?
Sometimes kids come home and start falling into their old patterns of behavior. I know parents who have told their kids to go to a shelter or to go couch surf for a week. I am sympathetic to this approach, but I think there’s a very high risk involved; each family has to make decisions like these very seriously. If you're going to tell an under-age person to go couch surf, you have to think that through carefully. This is not because you’re going to be held criminally responsible or go to jail, but because bad things can happen—and you're going to have to live with the consequences, no matter what. Parents of girls often worry more because of the simple fact that it’s riskier for girls to run than for boys—more harm can come to them. Remember, each family has to live with its own decisions when it comes to safety—and there's no joking about that.
The Key to Dealing with Kids Who Run Away
In my opinion, the key to dealing with kids who run away both chronically and episodically is teaching them problem-solving skills, and identifying the triggers that lead to risky decisions. Kids have to learn coping skills that help them manage their responsibilities in the here and now, so they don't have anything to run away from in the future. That means doing their homework and chores, being honest and not lying about responsibilities and schoolwork, getting clean and sober if they have a substance abuse problem, and being able to face the music when they’ve done something wrong or publicly embarrassing. The bottom line is that kids need to learn how to take responsibility, be accountable, and not run away from consequences. Kids are not told enough that life is what you make it—and that means now, not when you're 25.
After a disagreement, resulting in my grandson hitting me, he decided to run away. Although I was disappointed in his solution to the issue I stayed home and simply waited for his next move. One hour later, he came home and the first thing he said was "You didn't even come look for me." We are still working through his anger issues but I hope he has learned that violence does not beget a pleading response.
Comment By : grandma
True and not true. I had a diabetic 12 yr old run away. Did I report her? You Bet! She didn't have her insulin with her. Did I go looking for her? You BET! Such endangerment could only lead to death. Did we find her? Yep After she almost passed out on a lawn and told someone to call the ambulance. So why? Stress at home and she didn't want to be diabetic anymore. She did go into behavorial rehab and counseling. She's now a 15 yr old who has learned that home is the best place to be. But only after a lot of straight talk. Is this story over? Who knows? We did the best we could at the time and still keep the communication going strong. We keep tighter control on her blood sugars because when she is to high (blood sugar readings) then she acts out. That a tough lesson learned by her and us, her parents.
Comment By : Sandy
Our 17 year old decided to "move out" when no one was home. Not only was he was amazed that no one came looking for him, he was shocked that we told him he was not allowed home until he agreed to follow our rules (the same rules as always) without question. What he did not consider was that he would not have his vehicle to get to work, or money for his school lunches, senior pictures, clothing, medication, extra-curricular activities, graduation fees, or any of the other things that come with a senior year. We also did not let him back in the house to get any of the things he left behind. Eventually when he ran out of money and wore out his welcome where he was couch surfing he came home and agreed to our rules and to accept the punisment for his actions. He also was informed that if he ever left again he would not be allowed to come back which has been highly effective since he now knows he cannot make it on his own yet. There are just some lessons that kids have to learn the hard way. What I really want to know is what kind of person lets someone else's kid stay with them without calling the parents to at least tell them their child is safe?
Comment By : ToughLoveMom
To ToughLoveMom
Kudos!!!! We followed your same approach and it was very effective in having our daughter return home. Yes, it is difficult to do but when the behavior is so off the mark, after counseling and consequences and a united front with my husband. She came home ready to work with us in behaving in a responsible manner and being accountable, at all times. There are slip ups, but we all come around full circle to wanting to be together, and getting through the difficult times. Maturity has helped a whole lot too!!
Comment By : ToughLoveMom2
I have a 13 year old daughter that ran away with an 18 year old boy, we did look for her, the boy was on probation for drugs and evading arrest, it took us two weeks to locate her and bring her home, 3 months later she ran away with another 18 year old boy...we picked her up again, placed her in juvenille but they were full and couldn't hold her. I guess we should have not looked for her..
Comment By : Tonya
We have a 16 year old son who has run away for the second time. First time he was picked up by the police and brought home. Second time and he is still missing. He ran away because he didn't want to be grounded any longer and wanted to party with friends. He is now too scared to come home. If/when he is found do we let the police take him in to juvenille detention or do we just have them bring him home again?
Comment By : Concerned mother
* Concerned mother,
It’s important to be consistent and follow through with the same course of action each time your son runs away. You’ve made the commitment to call the police on both occasions to hold your son accountable. James Lehman discusses that http://www.empoweringparents.com/Teflon-Kids-Why-They-Avoid-Responsibility-and-How-to-Hold-Them-Accountable.phpis how some children solve the problem of not wanting to deal with consequences—James refers to this as episodic running away, meaning it’s triggered by a specific situation or emotion. You mentioned that you think that he’s scared to come home so it will be important to reassure him that it’s okay to make mistakes and you’ll need to discuss this event as a family. Point out to your son that this behavior doesn’t solve his problem and require him to come up with a plan for the next time he has to experience unwanted consequences. He’ll need to see that the consequences and the rules still apply and they’ll be waiting for him. Ultimately, it is your decision which one of these options you think is a better fit for you as a family right now. Take some time to consider which option will get you closer to what you’re trying to accomplish and which option will be most effective in sending your son the message that he’ll have an opportunity to make this right.
Comment By : Tina Wakefield, Parental Support Line Advisor
Calling the police is not a good idea. Not only do they not do much to locate your child but they call the DSS and have you interogated for months. They try to turn things around to be the parents fault so that they don't have to be accountable and treaten to take away your children into foster care which might be a bluff in most cases.
Also I have tried many things including taking away the computer and cutting off any funds which have not stopped my child from leaving when and for how long she wanted. Grounding her is impossible. She simply waits for me to leave to work and takes off. As far as chores she has never done any. She simply refuses and locks herself in her room. She is now 17. In some ways I can not wait for her to leave for good. Since she will never go back to the innocent child she was and lives to live off of other people and do anything she wants caring not for anyone but herself, I say that she would benefit from experiencing what it is like to support herself.
Comment By : Maureen Galevi
* Dear Maureen Galevi:
It can be a really difficult emotional situation when your child runs away. It can be uncomfortable to be asked a lot of questions by those who are trying to assist you. I do understand that. But we still would recommend calling the police. The fact of the matter is that kids are not safe when they have run away and you don’t know where they are or can’t get them to come home. Child protective workers are required to ask a lot of questions in order to complete their thorough evaluations. However, both the police and child protective services have access to funding for programs for kids and families in these situations. Working with them is the only way you will be able to qualify for these programs. As James Lehman recommends, be pro-active with child protective and call them yourself and report that you’re child has run away. For your child’s sake, call the police and report it when they have run away. Don’t allow your child to be in danger on the streets with no one in authority looking out for them.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
So, our 16 year old son came home. The fact that his friends ditched him and he had no where else to go he walked home. It has been so stressful since he has been home. He is not sorry at all that he ran away and that he caused heartache. Won't cooperated with getting counseling or help. When we told him that the third time he runs away we would be calling the police again and we will have him put in juvie he didn't seem to care. Is there ways to get your child to submit to getting help, changing? What can we do?
Comment By : Concerned Mother
* Dear Concerned Mother:
This is a tough one because you might be able to get him to go to counseling by withholding a privilege, but he is likely to refuse to participate in counseling sessions. What I would recommend if you’re going to try to force counseling is family therapy -- not sending him to counseling alone. This is more attractive to a teen who thinks that it’s his parents that need to change. Besides, family therapy often works much better than individual therapy. When you go to counseling as a family, everyone should be willing to do things differently. In family therapy you'll examine your family's ability to solve problems and express thoughts and emotions. You'll probably explore family roles, rules and behavior problems in order to identify issues that contribute to conflict. The therapist will help you learn ways to work through these identified issues. Ask your son's pediatrician or your family doctor for a referral to a good family therapist.
If counseling is out, then just focus on what he does--his behavior--and not if he cares or if he feels sorry about what he does. We all do things we would rather not do, such as rolling out of a warm bed to get to work on time. And in many ways it takes more character to do what you don’t feel like doing then just doing what you want to do. So you could use a system of rewards and consequences to require him to behave appropriately in the home. As long as he does what is required of him, consider that success at this point.
I think you’re on the right path, telling him you will report him as a runaway if it happens again. If that continues to happen and he becomes involved in the juvenile justice system, they can require him to attend programs and counseling. Good luck to you and your family. Keep in touch with us.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
My 17 year old has left home. After getting in trouble in school, we grounded him and took away his car. After a few days, he took off with his girlfriend for the weekend. He left me an e-mail saying that he needed to get away and that we would discuss things upon his return. While he was gone, he heard that his father was angry and wanted to kick him out and that his car would be sold. He chose not to come home as he had originally said. On the monday, I contacted him at his girlfriends house (she lives with a sister with very little supervision) we argued but he agreed to come home. I felt that some time needed to pass so we didn't discuss his actions upon his return. The following morning he went to school but at noon, jumped the fence and came home. As we were sitting down to supper that night, the school phoned to advise us of him leaving school. My son became very beligerent and mouthy. My husband lost his temper and was physical with him. He left our home. His girlfriend advised me later that evening that he was at a friends house. The following day he came home for his things (he expected me to be at work) He was told that if he wanted to come home he was welcome to, but he would need to face the consequences of his actions and follow house rules. We also told him that the doors to the house would be locked from now on. (he doesn't have a key) I haven't heard from him since.
I think he is probably at his girlfriends house (she lives about 1 hour away) My heart wants to phone and beg him to come home but my head knows this would be a mistake.
I am trying to do tough love, but I believe it is a lot tougher on me than it is on him.
Help
Comment By : Tough love is tougher on Mom
* Dear ‘Tough love tougher on Mom’:
Here’s where you’re stuck. Even though he was mouthy, you can’t lose your temper and get physical with your son as his dad did. Believe me, I know it’s a challenge—-kids can really push our buttons. The person who needs to call him is his dad. He has to apologize to him. You can not do this for your husband. One of the many important techniques in James’ Total Transformation program is that we have to role model to our kids the way we expect them to behave. We want them to apologize and make amends when they have hurt someone. We have to show them how to do it when we’re the ones who have hurt them. Perhaps Dad could call him and ask him to breakfast because he wants to apologize. At breakfast Dad could say, “Son. I apologize. I lost it the other night. I should not have laid my hands on you. I should have taken a break from the situation to calm down. Next time I’ll do that.” Encourage your husband not to add anything to this apology, such as, “But you’ve got to watch what you say to me.” That changes the apology to an excuse and says, “It’s really your fault because you made me so mad.” You can discuss your son’s behavior and house rules at some other time—-perhaps when he returns home. During your problem solving discussion with him you might go over those house rules together and say, “What can you do to calm yourself down when you’re feeling really upset?” But again, never connect that problem solving discussion in any way to Dad’s behavior because it is not your son’s fault that Dad lost control. I’d advise you to get some clarification and support from us by calling the trained specialists on the Support Line. I’m sorry your family is going through this difficult time. Keep in touch with us. We’re here to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
My son came home and Dad apologized.
I don't suspect that things will be easy but I am relieved that he is back under our roof and in school.
Thanks for the advice - it is nice to know that there is someone out there. I'll be back again...
Comment By : Tough love tougher on mom
My daughter has been running away this is the third time she is only 15 She ran away with an 18 year old, what I'm wondering is this - can the person she is with be held accountable for taking my child?
Comment By : LOVE
* Dear 'LOVE':
I’m so sorry to hear that your daughter is choosing to run away. I hope you have someone to talk to for support during these difficult times. The only way to know if the person who is involved with your daughter when she runs away is legally accountable is to contact the police or an attorney in your state. We recommend, for your child’s safety that you contact the police each time she runs away. James Lehman does talk about accountability in the Total Transformation program and describes his techniques of how to create a culture of accountability in your home. This means that each person is ultimately accountable for their own choices. He uses problem solving language to help you teach your child to take responsibility for their own behavior decisions--not allowing your child to blame others. When your daughter returns home and you have a discussion about her choice to runaway to solve her problems, keep her focused on what she will do next time instead of running away. I’d also like to refer you to an article by James entitled:
Teflon Kids: Why Children Avoid Responsibility—and How to Hold Them Accountable In this article you’ll learn how to use responsibility language and to identify an teach responsibility. Thanks for your question. Please remember that you can also call the trained specialists on the Support Line for clarification on James Lehman’s techniques. Keep in touch.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
i have this 13 yr old daughter and she is planing to run away.she told me so her self that she couldnt take it no more.that she was tired of being between me and her fathers problems.she told me she would return on new years.i dont know what to do or tell her
Comment By : i dont know
* Dear "I don't know":
If your child does run away, take James Lehman’s advice, just as he outlines in this article. It’s important to call the police and let them know that your child is not under your supervision. It’s also important to have the help of professionals to locate your child when they are not home, because it’s an unsafe situation.
Although you did not tell me a lot in your question, I do have some comments. I apologize if they don’t fit your situation exactly but I’m hopeful that there may be something in these ideas you can use. What I want to address is your daughter's remark: that she was "tired of being between your and her father’s problems." This is an emotionally impossible location for kids to be in. If a parent puts a child in the middle, asking them to side with one or the other, instead of being in between the parents, that child is emotionally torn in two. They don’t have the capacity to take on their parents' concerns and feelings. Some couples use the child to fight—-knowing that one parent might back down if the conflict happens in front of the child. Instead, role model how to control your emotions and have effective conversations about your concerns that are not taking place in the heat of the moment or in front of your child. Another common mistake is to use your child as your confidant. Some kids will act this role; they will even seek it out, believing that their parent will not be able to handle things if they don’t listen to their problems. But again, this is beyond their emotional capability and life experience to manage and will take a serious toll on them. Find a friend, an adult family member, clergy or counselor to use as a confidant. As I said, I don’t know if these are your family experiences and I only make these remarks in case you find something that is similar to your situation and find the ideas helpful. There’s a wonderful audio file (One Minute Transformation) from James Lehman, author of the Total Transformation program, about the importance of role modeling. For example, you want your daughter to stay in emotional control and not run away. James talks about role modeling the behavior you want your child to do. http://www.empoweringparents.com/OMTDetails.php?omtid=4&utm_medium=email&utm_source=email01272009M&sponsor=3
We appreciate your question and hope that you’ll keep in touch with us. Remember, you can always call the trained specialists on the Support Line for help in applying the techniques from the Total Transformation program to your specific situation.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I am seriously considering running away from home. I've made all the plans and am going to get everything sorted.
I am 17 yrs old.
I don't know why i want to run away from home. My parents aren't bad people, they don't abuse me, and everyone around me is happy.
But still i hate it all.
I hate the monotony of it all. I hate how everything is so predictable.
I SHOULD NOT LEAVE. ITS GOING TO BE DISASTEROUS. ITS GOING TO BREAK MY FAMILIES HEART.
But still i'm going to leave. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to be alive.
Comment By : Lost
* Dear Lost: I’m sorry to hear you’re having these feelings. We here at Empowering Parents are not staffed to give counseling to kids. We’re only equipped to give advice to parents. We do have a contact number you can use and we would encourage you to contact them. The organization is 'Boys Town' but the service is for both boys and girls:
The Boys Town National Hotline is a 24-hour crisis, resource and referral line. Trained counselors can respond to your questions every day of the week, 365 days a year. They help teens and parents with:
• Suicide prevention
• Physical abuse
• Depression
• Sexual abuse
• School issues
• Emotional abuse
• Parenting troubles
• Chemical dependency
• Runaways
• Anger
24-hour crisis, resource and referral line
especially for kids and parents:
Boys Town National Hotline
Phone: 1-800-448-3000
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
