For many families, the "shut up" response is an "A-side/B-side" issue. Here, James Lehman MSW tackles the problem from both perspectives, and shows you how to eliminate it from your
family's vocabulary.
“Shut up!” What to do when your child says it to you:
If your child tells you to shut up, the best thing to do is not give it power. And by arguing, talking and fighting back, you’re giving it power. Instead, the next time it happens, try saying, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it,” and turn around and leave the room. When things have calmed down, tell your child what the consequence is for his or her rude behavior.
And by the way, there should be regular consequences in the house for things like cursing, name calling, and rude behavior. They should be functional consequences, like “No cell phone for 24 hours.” That way, kids know what will happen if they break the rules, and you don’t have to repeat it every time. So you don’t have to fight with them, just use the consequences that you think would be most effective with your child, whether it’s no video games for 24 hours, or taking away their cell phone for a day.
"Shut up!” Why you should never say it to your child:
On the other hand, do you ever find yourself saying, “Just shut up and do it!” to your child? Parents tell kids to shut up for a variety of reasons. But ultimately, it’s to exert their control over the conversation. Sometimes they want backtalk to stop, sometimes they want complaining to stop, and sometimes they’re just tired of listening to their child. No matter what the context, saying “Shut up” is rarely helpful and never appropriate. It begins a power struggle which the child may not be willing to lose. Remember, there are many things to fight about with children; this shouldn’t be one of them.
The reality is that “shut up” is a rude, offensive comment. Kids learn that fact very early through various channels, from movies, music, school and TV. So when you’re saying “Shut up” to a child, they know they’re being insulted. And the last thing you want is teach your child how to say “shut up” to you or anyone else.
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My husband's family did not allow the phrase, and the two of us have tried not to say it, either. The children also have been trained not to use it and rarely slip. Not using it in a household, I think, makes a home more civil and dignified. It's an excellent way to keep the family conversation on a higher level.
Comment By : Anais
The problem we have is that there are really not many things for me to use as punishment. And my oldest has gotten so incredibly rude, we can't stand to live with him. He has no cell phone (anymore). He has no car. He has not income (so I can't charge him). If I "ground" him from friends, there's an even bigger explosion. I'm at a loss at this point as to how to make corrections. And yes, the adults at home have been guilty of saying it, but we've told the kids that we don't want to use those types of words in our home anymore...and we are much better for the most part. Not sure where this is going...I guess I'm just feeling like it's a great idea to eliminate rude behavior, but an impossible root to dig up. :o(
Comment By : Momhashadit
a good reminder why to refrain from this expression...
Comment By : marni
guilty of saying it, but how do you get a child or even 2 of them to be quiet after already taking away games, tv., and going to a friends house. I"m talking about them just making noises to annoy me or sibling even after closing the door?
Comment By : loosingit
I used to say it all the time when I'd lose my temper. I have, however, been substituting "hush!". It seems less degrading, and I wouldn't mind if the kids said that to each other. Strangely, and thank goodness, no one has picked up the bad habit from me.
Comment By : Ilene
