L: James, you mentioned accountability. Creating a culture of accountability. What does that mean? Can you explain that and how, what it means to parents and kids.
J: First of all, when we start with accountability, one of the things that I talk to teachers and parents about is creating a culture of accountability. And that culture of accountability occurs between two people. So when we talk about what’s on TV, what they’re learning in the movies, what their video games is, that, that’s fine. But the culture of accountability comes with, this is how I’m gonna talk to you and this is how you have to talk to me. This is what I’m gonna expect of you and this is what you can expect of me. That’s very clearly learned out. That you’re accountable for the way you talk to me and treat me. You’re accountable for your responsibilities and you can expect me to take responsibility to be accountable for my responsibilities. I’m gonna pay the rent, I’m gonna have food on the table, I’m gonna make sure that we have a place to live. You have to talk to me appropriately, you have to do your schoolwork and you have to learn how to solve life’s problems without hurting other people.
MG: I think it’s important to note James that a culture of accountability isn’t just a parent child thing. We even as adults need to be accountable; we are accountable every day to someone.
J: That’s right, well, I don’t think people are accountable to a culture. I think that that develops between people. Between individual people and groups. So even personal relationships and work relationships.
J: Work. I’m accountable to that job. I’m accountable to my role in that business. I’m accountable to that business. They’re gonna pay me, that’s what I expect of them, they expect me to do the role that they defined for me. They also expect me to do it with some quality and some efficiency.
MG: So as a parent, what you’re setting your child up for by expecting him to be accountable to you is the whole mindset that you will always be accountable to someone. This is a coping skill. This is a problem solving skill you have to learn.
J: Absolutely. Look, when you hold your child accountable, when you develop that culture of accountability, you as a parent have a responsibility to teach that child to acquire the skills he’s gonna need to be able to be accountable. People who can’t be accountable for their homework disrespect other people. People who can’t be accountable for their behavior turn it around and challenge you and act out. So when you’re having a culture of accountability, there’s a two–way thing. I expect you to do the right thing and you can expect me to teach you how to do the right thing.
MG: So my job as a parent then is to set specific standards, to set specific goals, to set attainable landmarks that a child can say, if I do this, I become accountable. If I do this, I’m behaving responsibly.
J: Yeah, it’s not only setting goals. It’s giving the skills to reach the goal. So let’s say I’m a parent and my goal is that you’re gonna sink five throws from the free throw line in basketball out of ten. Well I just can’t put you up there with a ball and tell you do it, that’s my goal. I’ve gotta show you how to do it. I’ve gotta show you how you place your feet, how you place your arms. How you propel the ball. I’ve gotta spend some time practicing with you. I’ve gotta show you how to do these things and I’ve gotta practice them. So it’s not setting the goals, it’s giving the kid the skills. Acquiring the skills yourself for an understanding of what it takes. Using the tools and using the skills.
James Lehman had a very personal understanding of kids with behavior problems. He displayed severe oppositional, defiant behaviors as a child and teenager, and became a Behavioral Therapist specializing in helping troubled children, teens and their families for 30 years.
Janet Lehman, MSW Child Behavior Therapist
Janet Lehman has over three decades of clinical experience working with out–of–control children and teens and their parents. Working in group homes and residential treatment centers, Janet helped children with serious behavioral disorders learn to get their behavior under control.
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Do you ever feel like the consequences you give your child aren’t working—and that he’s just not listening? Giving consequences is more difficult than people realize sometimes, so don’t beat yourself up if you feel like you’ve been missing the mark. There’s really no perfect way to do it—some consequences are simply more effective than others.
I think it’s important to understand that the consequence you give your child is also a consequence for you, as well. It’s not pleasant—and it can often be hard to follow through. A consequence requires you to set limits that make your child uncomfortable. You also frequently have to monitor him more closely and endure pushback in the form of backtalk and bad attitude. Sometimes the bad behavior even escalates temporarily, leading you to question the consequence you chose in the first place. So if you want your child to listen, your role is to not only set the consequence in a clear, direct way, but also to make sure that your child follows through and that a lesson is learned. It’s no picnic.
“The consequence you give your child is also a consequence for you, as well. It’s not pleasant—and it can often be hard to follow through.”
Here are 9 tried–and–true “secrets” to giving consequences. I used these techniques when managing tough teens in residential treatment centers for decades, as well as with my own son.
1. Connect the consequence to the behavior. The consequence you give should be as closely related to your child’s misbehavior as possible. For example, if your daughter comes in late for curfew on Friday night, set her curfew 15 minutes earlier the next weekend. If she is responsible and succeeds in coming in on time, she can have her old curfew back. Here’s another scenario. If your thirteen–year–old child curses at you or calls you names, you might take away his video games or cell phone and tell him he can have them back after he’s been civil to you (and everyone in the family) for two hours. If he slips up, the two hours will start all over again. That way, your child is practicing good behavior and working toward the goal of better behavior. And just like with anything else in life, practice is how your child will learn to make better choices when he’s upset or angry.
2. Avoid giving “never–ending consequences.” The consequences you give should have a definite beginning and end. You don’t want to make them so long and drawn out that your child can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. When consequences are too harsh or have no end, he’ll start to feel like it’s hopeless and he’ll just give up. Just like the rest of us, kids have to feel like they’re capable of following through on whatever the expectation is.
3. Give your child achievable consequences. Along the same lines as the above,your child needs to be capable of doing what you ask. For example, if you say that his consequence is to fix and paint the wall he damaged, but he has no idea how to do that, you’ll both end up frustrated—and the bad behavior will probably escalate.
4. Make the consequence uncomfortable for your child. Make sure the consequence you give your child makes him uncomfortable. It would be meaningless to take away a video game from a child who doesn’t like them very much, for example. Rather, look at what we might term “goodies.” What are the things your child values? What is his “currency?” What are the things he does when he avoids his responsibilities? Your child might be watching TV or texting friends instead of doing homework or chores, for example. An effective consequence would then be related to that TV or cell phone usage. As my husband James always said, “You can lead a horse to water and you can’t make him drink—but you can make him thirsty.” So find the thing that your child will feel uncomfortable losing temporarily, and then use it as a consequence to help him work toward better behavior.
5. Give consequences that have an impact on your child’s thinking. When your child misbehaves, you always want to ask him this question afterward: “What will you do differently next time?” Have him come up with some examples. (If he can’t, you can help him with a few of your own.) You can say, “When you wanted to watch your show, you grabbed the remote out of your brother’s hands and pushed him down onto the sofa. What will you do differently next time so you don’t get in trouble?” That way, when you give the consequence, (“No TV until you can get along with your brother for three hours straight.”) there’s a lesson embedded inside of it.
6. Don’t yell or get emotional when delivering consequences. If you're wondering how to get your child to listen, one way is to avoid yelling, screaming or arguing when giving a consequence. Don’t debate—it will only make things worse and result in a power struggle. Rather, speak clearly and in a matter–of–fact tone of voice. If you start yelling, it makes it more about you—and the argument itself—than your child’s behavior and the lesson you’re trying to teach him. Remember, if you’re out of control it reduces your authority.
7. Give yourself time to think things through. For many of us, it’s hard to stay calm and give an effective consequence when your child has misbehaved. If you’re feeling frustrated or angry, you might say, “Let’s talk about this when we’re both calm. I’ll get back to you later in the day.” Or, “We’ll discuss this in an hour.” There are times when you as a parent need time to think about what consequence would be most effective. Often it’s useful for your child to have time to think about what he’s done, as well. It’s uncomfortable for kids to have to wait and hear what their parent is going to say—and taking that time will help you come up with a more effective consequence.
8. Match the level of the consequence to the level of the misbehavior. Don’t overreact or under–react. Parents can often be too intense or too permissive. It’s easy to fall into the trap of under–reacting, and neglect to follow through on giving a consequence, for example. Or they overreact and make the consequence too long or difficult. Both of those stances are ineffective. If your child kicks a hole in the wall, taking away his video games for a day isn’t going to really do the trick. But on the other hand, if he teases his sister at dinner, grounding him for two weeks is too harsh. Remember, a consequence is intended to teach a lesson and should be connected to the misbehavior.
9. Create a menu of consequences. When you have a moment to yourself, come up with a menu of consequences for your child. Sit down and write a list of consequences and rewards that might be of value to him. You can even ask your child for his own ideas for rewards. In fact, rewarding good behavior is just as important as giving consequences. A reward could be a trip to the mall, a movie rental, or extra video game time after school. When you see your child behaving the way he should, take time to notice and then say something about it. The old adage of “Catch your child being good” is true for a reason—it acknowledges good behavior and inspires him to keep trying.
When I worked in residential treatment with troubled teens, we had a menu of consequences and rewards and matched them to each individual kid. We also asked them for ideas for consequences for themselves. When they came up with their own consequence and imposed it, it worked very well. Let’s say your ten–year–old child breaks his younger brother’s toy. He may come up with a consequence like, “I’ll pay for a new toy out of my own money.” You also want kids to start making that match between their behavior and making amends when they’ve hurt someone or broken something—this is also part of the lesson they need to learn.
What if the consequences you give still aren’t working?
Does your child seem to shrug off your consequences? Believe me, over the years I’ve met a lot of kids who have said, “Whatever. I don’t care.” It’s easy to believe your consequences aren’t working when you hear those words. This is often a way for your child to bluff or withhold compliance because you’re caught in a power struggle. The consequence may be an effective one, and your child may in fact be uncomfortable, but he’s not going to show you that, no matter what. If it’s a really meaningful consequence, he might be angry and lash out. The key is to pay attention to your child’s behavior and not his words. For example, if you send your 12–year–old son to his room and he complies, mumbling under his breath all the way, then he’s really following through even though his words don’t sound that way.
If you still find that the consequence you’ve given isn’t effective, there’s nothing wrong with going back to the drawing board. If you’ve assigned too harsh of a consequence, you may need to rethink what you’ve said and come back with something else. Or, you may need to change the consequence because your child isn’t taking it seriously. Let’s say your teenager is so distracted that he’s not getting his homework done. You might decide to take his cell phone away for one night and say something like, “You may have your phone back after you’ve completed your work.” He’s working toward a reward (the phone) by doing his homework. But when you find he’s still not completing his assignments, you might have him work at the kitchen table so you can make sure he’s not on Facebook or chatting with friends when he’s supposed to be studying for his math test. You can say, “It seems like you get really distracted in your room. I’d like you to do your homework here for a few days until I see that you’re able to be responsible on your own.” Again, remember to make sure the consequence has a beginning and an end.
How “Writing It Out” Can Help Your Child
One technique that works very well after a child has misbehaved is to have them sit down by themselves and “write it out.” For the child who gets so upset he can’t tell you why he did what he did, this can be an extremely useful tool. Basically, your child should record what happened from start to finish. Then, he should write what he will do differently next time. This removes any emotion from the situation and lets kids calm down and gather their thoughts. For younger children, (age 3~6) you might have them draw a picture. When kids are a little bit older (first to third grade, for example) you might ask them to write one paragraph, and so on.
The interaction you have with your child after you read his explanation also will give you a way to come together calmly and talk about what he learned—and also bring some closure. The conversation might go like this: “It was wrong for you to hit your sister when you were mad at her. I read your note about what you could do differently next time and you said ‘When she annoys me, I can just tell her to stop or I can leave the room.’ I think that’s a good plan. And I’ll try to help you do it next time, too. Just let me know if you need my help.”
It really is important to have closure on the situation if you can. Then, when it’s done, it’s done. Try to acknowledge to your child that if he’s met the consequence, it’s over, and you’re moving on together.
Let’s face it, it’s hard to give consequences: our kids don’t like to get them and they let us know about it—loudly. But our job is not to be friends with our kids, our job is to be their parent. As much as children may complain, kids whose parents set limits feel safer. And when you follow through on consequences, you’re teaching your children life lessons that they’ll carry with them into adulthood.
Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years and is the co-creator of The Total Transformation Program. She is a social worker who has held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.
Really all makes good sense, and shall be put to use! And I believe that its going to be effective because I was that child in a residentional program and it worked for me.
Comment By : danellelnielsen
What a great article. There are far too many simplified articles giving the same ole advice (sometimes bad advice). This is a great article chock full of examples, what to do, what not to do, exercises and how to deal with rebuttals. Wonderful article that was not "edited down" so much it lost its value. BRAVO!!
Comment By : nicole
I only wish i'd have known about this site about 15 years ago
Comment By : Angelique
great priciples of discipline! In our circumstance, our child (who's now 17) still doesn't drive or have a permit because he won't quit the smoking he started earlier in his life. I know this sounds harsh but we are sticking to our guns with this about consequences. Please reassure me he will ultimately "get it"!
Comment By : denise
I have used some of these techniques with my boys. However, the 13 yr old has always been easier to discipline than my 11 yr old. My 11 yr. old is very defiant, stubborn and strong minded. He reminds me of me at that age. He doesn't feel like he loses anything when we give him a consequence. He says he doesn't care. How do we get him to want to care?
Comment By : danamcd
The information is excellent and makes a lot of sense to me. I have a question that you may be able to help me with. We have three children, two of which use the playroom in the basement quite a bit. The room quickly becomes a mess after we pick it up. Because, I am not there I don't know who is making it so messy. each child blames the other. I assume it is a little of both. What is the long term solution??? please help...
Comment By : Boston Parent
I am with you danamcd. I have a step son who went to live with his mother (who has been in and out of jail herself about 8 times for drugs) but we couldn't get him to WANT TO CARE he just didn't care no matter what the consequence was he would adapt to not let it bother him and he would just wait it out until he could do what he wanted again... WE TRIED SO HARD TO GET HIM TO "WANT TO CARE" I dont know what you do at that point? If he doesn't want to exercise good behavior and the consequences dont bother him to "do his time" until he can do what he wants again.. how do you deal with that?
Comment By : concerned
* To 'danamcd' and 'concerned': It is very frustrating when you give consequences to kids, and the consequences don’t seem to affect them, or they state “I don’t care.” As mentioned in the article, many times kids will state “I don’t care” in order to maintain their sense of power. If you notice through your observation of your child that texting, for example, is all he wants to do, then taking away texting for a period of time is going to be powerful, no matter what he says. Also, if you notice that the consequence doesn’t seem to be effective, it’s OK to revise the original plan. It is important that your son practice alternate, more effective behavior while experiencing the consequence, rather than just “doing time.” For example, he would need to work on treating family members respectfully for two hours to earn back texting, not just losing it for the rest of the night. You can’t “make” your child want to care; what you can focus on is enforcing effective consequences for his ineffective behavior. I am attaching an article you might find helpful as you continue to work through this: How to Deal with Teens with Attitude. Good luck to you and your families as you continue to work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
* To 'Boston Parent': When siblings start to blame the other, it can quickly become a frustrating spiral of no one taking responsibility. What we recommend is holding them both accountable for picking up the playroom after using it, and not continuing with other activities until it is picked up. For example, you might say, “Because both of you were downstairs in the playroom, neither of you will get to watch TV until it is picked up again.” Then follow through on that, and make the decision not to get involved in the blaming. I am attaching an article I think you might find helpful: Siblings at War in Your Home (Declare a Ceasefire Now). Good luck to you and your family as you work through this.
Comment By : Rebecca Wolfenden, Parental Support Advisor
On the subject of closure, I agree that it's important in most cases. But I have to say that when you find your child has tried drugs, or has drug paraphanalia hidden in a drawer, it's tough not to also acknowledge that things will NEVER be the same because you're no longer going to be asleep at the wheel. Some teens like to say that means you haven't moved on. Mostly because I was an overly permissive parent who had massive trust in my child. When reality set in, so did the change in boundaries. That may feel like a lack of closure to your teen when it's simply more appropriate boundary setting.
Comment By : HumbleMominCA
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