I don't agree. The child is exactly that a child. Treat them as such. I have a masters degree in being a mom of 4. my oldest is in college and I have two teen agers- very strong willed. I handel this by: I'll leave you alone when you are paying your own bills and living under your own house. Till then you will respect me and contribute to this house hold like everyone else around here. Now move! If you don't you will be biking or walking to ball, gymnastics, or whatever practice is going on on your own. Its give and take. I think parents are too worried about their children "liking:" them. HELLO, your parents, not their friend. Worry about being their friend after they've graduated till then its your job to teach them. Parents take back the control and stop letting your kids walk all over you and disrespect you. Your creating monsters. What did your parents do that make you not be that way? or are you- if so change remember you lead by example. If they don't cooperate try taking the door off their bedroom for a week. They will learn to do their jobs mighty quick and they learn you mean business and stop giving in. If they miss practice of something they like- they know your not afraid of them and you mean business. It took me about 2 years to change consistantly how I reacted to them. Its all follow through and letting them learn the hard lessons now, instead of after their 18 and can end up in jail for what they do. Its our job to teach them. Nobody said it would be easy!

 

I believe in what Valerie has to say when it comes to something that your child has done that may not be right but she seem's to only be taking account for bad behavior. On the otherside, the comment "By the way, one important thing for parents to remember is that sometimes when your child says “Leave me alone,” it’s appropriate". My son has done this in respect to matter's of his feeling's toward girl's or struggles that he has with friend's and just questions on puberty. I agree with the examples given in 1 and 2 and also believe that it gives your child their space. My son and I have a very good relationship and believe it or not, it show them respect as individuals. It help's them in the future not to make hasty decisions and to think about the "why?" before they react. They need to sort out their own feelings first not be told how to feel.

 

I watched my ex confront my 13 year old last week when my child decided to live with me because he couldn't stand his dad's emotional and physical abuse any longer. The pathetic thing was watching this man stand in my back yard in cold rain determined to talk to the child because he was "not going to let the child have control and dictate to him!!!" Sorry but sometimes you have to pick your fights with teens and give them space. When you push and demand - you drive them away from you. Time for both of you to cool down and think before addressing an awkward situation is often a really good idea.

 

My heart, and respect goes to Valerie. Am still working on "my Master" and she is 100% right! Somehow, children "experts" in the art of intimidating their parents, to no end... Once you show them you are afraid of them, neither you, your Family nor them will ever have a moment of peace. So my recommendation - through 24/7 practice with my 16 and 17 years old is: Hold your ground and make no exceptions. Have noticed that when you show them who is in-charge, miraculous, they came down because they "are reassured" you are "the Top Dog" in the Family...

 

I agree with this article. For me, it's about mutual respect. To get it you have to give it. Kids are not adults but they are human beings. I am a mom of 4, three are teenagers. I have learned over the years that kids learn exactly what you teach them. If you never allow them to reflect on their feelings, or have space to think, and come back to the discussion when they are ready or within reasonable time frames you set, you teach them not to give you and others the same respect and courtesy when you need a moment. Most of us know what it's like to have a spouse or partner try to force an argument or discussion when we didn't want to talk or weren't ready to have that particular conversation. You feel like the other person is controling you and isn't respecting your space. Why would we turn this behavior on our kids? How do you think adults learn this behavior to begin with? Kids need choices so they can learn consequences. Forcing a discussion everytime you want to talk doesn't seem to give the child much of a choice, neither is automatically giving consequences when they ask for space. If you never give them a choice they can't learn, they don't feel valued and they won't respect you. No we aren't their friends, but as parents it's our job to prepare them for the real world, and the real world needs people who are respectful and considerate, not a bunch of bullies who disregard people's personal space. As a mom, I don't feel like I have the right to force another human being to talk to me when they are not ready. I do know the frustration of wanting to talk with my kids and knowing they were putting me off, but if you use the techniques from the article (they work well in my home) you can allow your child the freedom to choose an alternate time, empowering them and getting what you need. Sometimes you have to state something to your child right now and can not wait for when they are either ready or for when they can not put you off anymore. But for me I learned I can certainly stand in their doorway or sit at the table and say whatever I need to, but bottom line, that kid is in control of opening their mouth and speaking. To try and and control that just for the sake of showing them who's boss seems like a very controling (and out of control) approach to parenting and does not teach our kids effective conflict resolution skills or how to manage their feelings. I look at it like this alot- if I wouldn't say it or do it to a co-worker or my boss, or my neighbor or even a stranger at the store, it's probably not the best approach for my kids either.

 

Clearly some people who've commented have never lived with a child with neurological disregulation. Yes, it is important the child knows who's boss, but by giving an option you are not backing down from the issue. You are doing what is most effective. I have three children who are all very different. Sadly, some parents don't realize that kids are individuals, or that if there is a break-down in the cause-effect or trust center of a child's brain, they will not respond the way a neuro-typical child would.

 

I agree with Teresa..kids are different. When my daughter tells me she doesn't want to talk about. I know I can give her the space she needs because of her personality. Now if my son tells me he doesn't want to talk about it.. I know that I have to get it out of him because of his personality I know that he needs to tell me. Nine of out of ten times its not the best of news.

 

I understand where Valerie is coming from but I dont agree for two reasons : 1. I dont feel like I'm giving up any "control" or trying to be a "friend" to my kids when I allow them time to transition if they feel they need to from whatever their doingn to discussing something with me. I think it shows respect, tolerance, and patience which is what I am trying to teach them, and 2) my experience has been that once your kids know you arent forcing them to intereact, they actually tend to be more able to have discussions with you and those discussions arent just lip service

 

I don't know that I agree with Valerie, I adopted a troubled child at the age of 12. When we would get into an argument usually over responsibility, she would shut me out and she would say, I don't want to talk about it anymore, and no matter how long we talked she would sit there with a blank stare and not say a word. So I would send her to her room and usually take away her phone until she would talk about it. She never would and would be without her phone for months until I forgot why I actually had it in the first place. Each child has a different personality and you have to learn to cope with what you have. What works for one person might not for the other. This doesn't make me a bad parent, it just means you have to figure out what works with your child. I finally started using "so, when would you like to talk about it", she would set a time and that's when we would talk. Sometimes it's better to let both of you cool off.

 

I have a teenaged daughter who is an expert at telling me she doesn't want to talk right now. I have taken Valerie's approach because that is how I was raised. my husband takes the patient approach with her (that's how he was raised). the result has been that she has become closer to my husband than to me. I have learned the hard way that being confrontational with teens when they are emotional creates misery for both of you, and I am trying harder now to be respectful of her feelings and wait until she is ready to talk with me, which she usually does after calming down. my husband used to be an elementary school teacher and was beloved because the children felt he respected them as individuals. Incidentally, I moved far away from home in my early 20s and rarely spent time with my parents. my husband was very close to his parents and spent a good deal of time with them until they passed on.

 

As parents it is our responsibiltiy to model the behavior we want our children to learn. By respecting their right to space (only when appropriate) shows them that we respect them as human beings. If they are behaving appropriately and simply not in a place where they would like to discuss x,y,z. then it is up to the parent to respect that however it if it is important enought to be revisited you need to have the child agree to this. By demanding respect and compliance you may end up doing more harm than good. You need to act with the end result in mind and to look at your intentions. In order to keep communication lines open where a child will feel comfortable coming to you, they need to respect you and feel that you also have respect them as a person, not just your child. Of course this needs to also be done with the age in mind. Act with the result you are looking for and always with love in your heart and you will see the child come around in time.

 

I think everyone has a good point, in there own way. Personaly, I'm on my third child. My oldest- 25, my middle- soon to be 17... and my youngest and last going on 4. Although, this being the only one I've raised alone it seems to be the most challanging. I hear women all the time talking about being a single parent.... try being a single male parent raising a "strong willed" little girl! I've gone through the Child Protective Services thing as well as the custody thing. I'm being tested every day not only by your child, but your peers as well! I feel like there are a few more issues to deal with when your own community has you afraid to use disipilne on your own child, when needed of course. But all my children are smart, but my 4 year old is learning how to use it to her advantage!!

 

I 100% agree with Darla,Mary,Wendy, and Patti. I commend with your wisdom guys and your coolness to the matter.You are not judgemental to others comment but trying to understand where they came from.Truthfully, when I read Valerie`s comment, I was "WOW!" I don`t like/want her to be my mom if i have the chance to chose who will be my mom.I am not a robot.I might become a REBELIOUS child because I hate controlling.The more you control me, the more I will be out of control.But this is what I noticed to myself, if you respect me or my wishes by understanding who I am, I will be your PERFECT CHILD>:-)Kids need to be treated with respect, honor, and dignity.I agree with Dr. Lehman`s approach!!!!

 

I cry when my kids do that. [Mine have been raised by me, or by their father, or by their grandparents: dysfunctional family setup: all grown and flown now.] Sometimes, they notice and ask why; sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. My emotions are mine; theirs do not belong to me. We are all people and need to learn to co-exist.

 

Valerie sounds like an angry parent. I have 2 childern 71/2 months apart and one with autism. I know how frustrated I can become with my kids. But I have learned that fighting fire with fire is not always the best way to solve problems.

 

It is okay to say, no practice etc for you if you tell me to leave you alone. This works when the child has something to look forward to. What about a kid who could careless about any of such activites. He is there in the first place because you pushed him there or because a friend is there. so you see, under circumstances like this, your actions will not solve the problem. He is happy just lying down and annoying you.

 

If we bully our kids they will bully back. Love, Limit and Educate them why they need time to make independant decisions and also why we as parents need to keep an open line of communication. Emotional development is ongoing for everyone.

 

Thank you. I've learned as much and probably more from all these comments as I have form the article. Love is the answer.