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Many parents today are faced with a dilemma: How do I support my adult child in becoming independent? Do I let my adult child live in my home while he or she struggles to find a job? These parents think, “The economy is bad…maybe there really are no jobs out there. Should I continue paying for things like my child’s vehicle, insurance, clothes and cell phone? Maybe I should move him into an apartment just to get him out and pay the first few months’ rent, but after that it’s up to him. Or do I just kick him out of the nest and hope he learns to fly?” Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner understand and have helped countless families in this situation. In their popular series on adult children in Empowering Parents, readers have learned why so many adult kids still live at home, and how adult children work “the parent system.” In Part 3, you’ll hear six specific steps that will help your adult child leave the nest.
Related: How to set limits with your child, teen or adult child.
First of all, we understand that many families in today’s economy do share a household for financial or other reasons. If you’re in a situation where your adult child is living with you and it’s mutual…ly beneficial – or at the very least mutually respectful – that’s fine. This article is intended to help parents whose adult child is dependent or lives at home in a situation that’s become uncomfortable or even intolerable. In recent articles, we’ve looked at how over time our society has moved from caring for our children to caretaking for our children, sometimes long into their adulthood. Many parents are held hostage by emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, guilt and fear of what will happen if they do throw their adult birdie out of the nest without a net. Today, we’re going to give you some concrete steps to help that birdie finally fly!
Step One: Know Where You Are
The first task in moving your adult child toward independence is to assess where you are right now. Ask yourself these questions:
Are you in a place where your boundaries are being crossed and you need to establish some limits?
Are you willing to allow your adult child to live in your home, within those limits, as he or she moves toward being more independent?
Do you see your adult child as wanting to become independent, or as simply being more comfortable allowing you to take care of all their responsibilities?
Has the situation become so intolerable – perhaps even volatile – that your main concern is getting your adult child out of your house, as quickly and safely as possible?
Where you are with regard to your adult child will determine—in part —what steps you need to take next.
Step Two: Change Your View
Instead of picturing of your adult child as a little bird whose wings may not hold him up when he leaves the nest, think of him as fully capable of flying. Our emotions can cause us to be so afraid of what will happen to our kids that we think of them as children, rather than adults. In reality, your adult child is an adult—equal to you and equally capable of making it in this world. Thinking of him as incapable is actually a disservice to him and keeps you in parental caretaking mode. Your adult child may be uncomfortable with some of the steps you’re taking that encourage more responsibility but that’s okay. It’s what he needs to experience in order to make changes within himself. Changing your viewpoint will help you strengthen those “guilt” and “fear” emotional buttons.
Step Three: Identify and Strengthen Your Emotional Buttons
Identify ahead of time what your limits and boundaries are, what you’re willing to follow through with and which emotional buttons will most likely get you to give in. One parent told us, “I’m okay with my adult child not having extras (cell phone, video games, internet, haircuts) but I can’t let him be on the street. I know myself. I’ll never stick to it.” That parent knew they would allow their child to live in their home without the benefit of extras or entitlements, so that’s the boundary that was established. Turns out, that adult child decided those “extras” were important to him, so once his parent shut down the Parent ATM, he was motivated to get a job and pay for things—including an apartment—himself.
Related: Does your adult child have a substance abuse problem?
Step Four: Make Your Boundaries Clear
Once you’ve strengthened your emotional buttons, it’s time to share what the new reality will be with your adult child. If your adult daughter lives in a separate residence but still depends on you as a source of income, make your boundaries clear: state what you will and will not pay for. If you need to start out small and work your way up, that’s okay. If you just can’t stop buying groceries yet because you know you won’t follow through with allowing your daughter to eat at soup kitchens or wherever she can find food (friends, etc.), then start with things like cell phones, haircuts, money for gas, cigarettes, internet and other non-necessities. It’s her responsibility to locate resources: friends, churches, government assistance. Your adult child can always apply for assistance through government programs such as food stamps and rental assistance if she is truly unable to locate work and support herself.
If your adult child lives in your home, draw up a contract that specifies the terms of her living there. This is an agreement between two adults. Don’t think of her as your child; picture her as a tenant. Then you’ll be less likely to have your emotional buttons set off. (If your neighbor gave you a sob story about how much she needed a cell phone, would you buy it? And pay the monthly bill?) An adult child may decide he or she doesn’t like the contract and will decide to live elsewhere. More power to them! The important thing to remember: your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen. It’s a privilege and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right – and always will be.
Step Five: Shut Down the Parent ATM (PATM)!
The key to launching your adult birdie is to make it more uncomfortable to depend on you than to launch. A huge part of making your adult child uncomfortable is to stop paying for all the “extras”: things he or she views as necessities that really aren’t. In this world, he can live without cell phones, internet, computers, haircuts, make-up, clothes from the mall, video games and any other leisure activity you can name. If he’s struggling, he can get clothes from Salvation Army or Goodwill. He can take the bus. He can eat cheap. (Think boxed macaroni & cheese and Ramen noodles. You know…what many of us ate when we didn’t have any money.) If he doesn’t have the money for cigarettes or alcohol– he doesn’t get them. Many adult children make a career out of working their parents to provide things for them that they can’t afford themselves.
Most people aren’t going to provide these things to your adult child. There is no Neighbor ATM, Friend ATM (well, maybe a few times, but they’ll shut that down real quick) or Third-Cousin-Twice-Removed ATM. But there is a Parent ATM. Why? Because we’re typically the only ones with emotional PINs that work to spit that money out! (Read the previous article on emotional buttons and continue to strengthen them, so you can stop paying for things that keep your adult child comfortable. Disconnecting those buttons—and turning off the Parent ATM—is probably the biggest step you will take toward launching your adult son or daughter.)
Look at it this way. Your adult son’s hair can get really, really long; he doesn’t need a haircut. He doesn’t have to text; he can write letters. Stamps are less than a dollar vs. a $50/month data package. He can live without these things. Truly. He just doesn’t want to. It’s okay for your adult child to be uncomfortable; we’ve all been uncomfortable and survived. It’s actually a good thing and necessary for change.
This is the key: change occurs when things feel uncomfortable, out of balance or unsteady for a person. It’s what motivates them to find their equilibrium again, through employment, returning to college, offering their services through odd jobs or whatever it takes to get the things in life that they want.
Related: How to give consequences that work.
Step Six: Enough is Enough
Some parents have adult children at home who are abusing them verbally or even physically. You have the right to live in your own home, free from abuse, intimidation or disrespect. Anytime someone treats you in this way, they are violating a boundary and sometimes violating the law. It’s your right to establish personal boundaries that keep you physically and emotionally safe. In other situations, some adult children are not quite abusive, but they have literally worn out their welcome by taking and taking (financially and emotionally) without giving in return. The bottom line is you do not have to feel guilty about moving your adult child into independence so you can have your own life back. You have the right to spend your money on things for yourself. You have the right to enjoy peaceful evenings in your own home. You have the right to have the environment you want in your home. You’ve raised your child. He’s an adult now. You are not expected to provide for him any more than your parents are expected to provide for you as an adult.
If you are in a situation that is intolerable with your adult child and have decided he needs to move out of your home, the following steps will help:
Remember to strengthen those emotional buttons. If your adult child typically pushes the “guilt” and “sympathy” buttons in order to stay dependent and comfortable, prepare yourself for what’s coming and come up with a plan on how you’ll handle it. You might even try making some note cards or adopt a slogan to remind yourself that you have the right to have your own home, free from negativity or meeting another adult’s needs.
Next, contact your local court to gather information about what legal steps you can take to move your adult child out. Many states require you to serve a “Notice to Quit” to any adult living in your home. If your adult child still refuses to leave, you may need to follow up with an Eviction Notice that gives a deadline for him to move out, typically thirty days. If your adult child still refuses to leave, your local police department can enforce the eviction and will often notify the person that they will be escorted out of the home anywhere from 24 to 48 hours later. (Note: We aren’t able to address all legalities fully in this article due to the fact that each state differs in its laws regarding eviction.)
Related: Is your child verbally abusive?
Eviction steps may sound harsh but remember to think of your adult as a tenant. If you’re to the point of evicting your adult son or daughter out of your home, things have probably reached a point that is simply intolerable for you. Your adult child may resist moving out at first, but again, the more uncomfortable he is, the more likely he is to leave on his own accord. If you fear violence or other repercussions from your child because of these steps, it’s beneficial to seek out local resources on domestic violence and/or contact the court regarding your right to a restraining order. Safety always comes first and if you’re in a domestic violence situation with your adult child, you’ll want to talk with someone knowledgeable about a safety plan.
A Side Note…
If you’re living with a spouse or long-term partner who is not on the same page as you, it can make putting these steps into effect extremely difficult. You can only control yourself. If it’s causing serious conflict, you may want to seek counseling regarding how you can come to a mutual agreement.
The Bottom Line
Many, many young adults are struggling to become independent in today’s generation. Yes, the economy is bad and our country is experiencing hard times. But that’s nothing new. We’ve gone through recessions and depressions in the past. Families used to have “leftover parties,” where they got together and turned their leftovers into a meal. They used to wait until the weekend to talk on the phone to long-distance relatives so the rates were lower. Sometimes there wasn’t a yearly vacation and kids brown-bagged it instead of buying hot lunches. There’s nothing wrong with a family pulling together to make it in today’s world. The difference with many of the young adults in today’s generation seems to be in the sense of entitlement and the aversion to sacrificing in order to make it. Gone are the days of “If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.” Today, society is all about technology and instant gratification. But it’s not too late to teach our adult children the values of delayed gratification and working for things they desire. It’s okay for them to be uncomfortable and realize they have the ability to survive hard times through self reliance. If your guilt or fear buttons start reacting, remember: we give our kids these lessons out of love.
Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Outby Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW |
Many parents today are faced with a dilemma: How do I support my adult child in becoming independent? Do I let my adult child live in my home while he or she struggles to find a job? These parents think, “The economy is bad…maybe there really are no jobs out there. Should I continue paying for things like my child’s vehicle, insurance, clothes and cell phone? Maybe I should move him into an apartment just to get him out and pay the first few months’ rent, but after that it’s up to him. Or do I just kick him out of the nest and hope he learns to fly?” Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner understand and have helped countless families in this situation. In their popular series on adult children in Empowering Parents, readers have learned why so many adult kids still live at home, and how adult children work “the parent system.” In Part 3, you’ll hear six specific steps that will help your adult child leave the nest.
The important thing to remember: your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen. It’s a privilege and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right – and always will be.
Related: How to set limits with your child, teen or adult child.
First of all, we understand that many families in today’s economy do share a household for financial or other reasons. If you’re in a situation where your adult child is living with you and it’s mutually beneficial – or at the very least mutually respectful – that’s fine. This article is intended to help parents whose adult child is dependent or lives at home in a situation that’s become uncomfortable or even intolerable. In recent articles, we’ve looked at how over time our society has moved from caring for our children to caretaking for our children, sometimes long into their adulthood. Many parents are held hostage by emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, guilt and fear of what will happen if they do throw their adult birdie out of the nest without a net. Today, we’re going to give you some concrete steps to help that birdie finally fly!
Step One: Know Where You Are
The first task in moving your adult child toward independence is to assess where you are right now. Ask yourself these questions:
- Are you in a place where your boundaries are being crossed and you need to establish some limits?
- Are you willing to allow your adult child to live in your home, within those limits, as he or she moves toward being more independent?
- Do you see your adult child as wanting to become independent, or as simply being more comfortable allowing you to take care of all their responsibilities?
- Has the situation become so intolerable – perhaps even volatile – that your main concern is getting your adult child out of your house, as quickly and safely as possible?
Where you are with regard to your adult child will determine—in part —what steps you need to take next.
Step Two: Change Your View
Instead of picturing of your adult child as a little bird whose wings may not hold him up when he leaves the nest, think of him as fully capable of flying. Our emotions can cause us to be so afraid of what will happen to our kids that we think of them as children, rather than adults. In reality, your adult child is an adult—equal to you and equally capable of making it in this world. Thinking of him as incapable is actually a disservice to him and keeps you in parental caretaking mode. Your adult child may be uncomfortable with some of the steps you’re taking that encourage more responsibility but that’s okay. It’s what he needs to experience in order to make changes within himself. Changing your viewpoint will help you strengthen those “guilt” and “fear” emotional buttons.
Step Three: Identify and Strengthen Your Emotional Buttons
Identify ahead of time what your limits and boundaries are, what you’re willing to follow through with and which emotional buttons will most likely get you to give in. One parent told us, “I’m okay with my adult child not having extras (cell phone, video games, internet, haircuts) but I can’t let him be on the street. I know myself. I’ll never stick to it.” That parent knew they would allow their child to live in their home without the benefit of extras or entitlements, so that’s the boundary that was established. Turns out, that adult child decided those “extras” were important to him, so once his parent shut down the Parent ATM, he was motivated to get a job and pay for things—including an apartment—himself.
Related: Does your adult child have a substance abuse problem?
Step Four: Make Your Boundaries Clear
Once you’ve strengthened your emotional buttons, it’s time to share what the new reality will be with your adult child. If your adult daughter lives in a separate residence but still depends on you as a source of income, make your boundaries clear: state what you will and will not pay for. If you need to start out small and work your way up, that’s okay. If you just can’t stop buying groceries yet because you know you won’t follow through with allowing your daughter to eat at soup kitchens or wherever she can find food (friends, etc.), then start with things like cell phones, haircuts, money for gas, cigarettes, internet and other non-necessities. It’s her responsibility to locate resources: friends, churches, government assistance. Your adult child can always apply for assistance through government programs such as food stamps and rental assistance if she is truly unable to locate work and support herself.
If your adult child lives in your home, draw up a contract that specifies the terms of her living there. This is an agreement between two adults. Don’t think of her as your child; picture her as a tenant. Then you’ll be less likely to have your emotional buttons set off. (If your neighbor gave you a sob story about how much she needed a cell phone, would you buy it? And pay the monthly bill?) An adult child may decide he or she doesn’t like the contract and will decide to live elsewhere. More power to them! The important thing to remember: your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen. It’s a privilege and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right – and always will be.
Step Five: Shut Down the Parent ATM (PATM)!
The key to launching your adult birdie is to make it more uncomfortable to depend on you than to launch. A huge part of making your adult child uncomfortable is to stop paying for all the “extras”: things he or she views as necessities that really aren’t. In this world, he can live without cell phones, internet, computers, haircuts, make-up, clothes from the mall, video games and any other leisure activity you can name. If he’s struggling, he can get clothes from Salvation Army or Goodwill. He can take the bus. He can eat cheap. (Think boxed macaroni & cheese and Ramen noodles. You know…what many of us ate when we didn’t have any money.) If he doesn’t have the money for cigarettes or alcohol– he doesn’t get them. Many adult children make a career out of working their parents to provide things for them that they can’t afford themselves.
Most people aren’t going to provide these things to your adult child. There is no Neighbor ATM, Friend ATM (well, maybe a few times, but they’ll shut that down real quick) or Third-Cousin-Twice-Removed ATM. But there is a Parent ATM. Why? Because we’re typically the only ones with emotional PINs that work to spit that money out! (Read the previous article on emotional buttons and continue to strengthen them, so you can stop paying for things that keep your adult child comfortable. Disconnecting those buttons—and turning off the Parent ATM—is probably the biggest step you will take toward launching your adult son or daughter.)
Look at it this way. Your adult son’s hair can get really, really long; he doesn’t need a haircut. He doesn’t have to text; he can write letters. Stamps are less than a dollar vs. a $50/month data package. He can live without these things. Truly. He just doesn’t want to. It’s okay for your adult child to be uncomfortable; we’ve all been uncomfortable and survived. It’s actually a good thing and necessary for change.
This is the key: change occurs when things feel uncomfortable, out of balance or unsteady for a person. It’s what motivates them to find their equilibrium again, through employment, returning to college, offering their services through odd jobs or whatever it takes to get the things in life that they want.
Related: How to give consequences that work.
Step Six: Enough is Enough
Some parents have adult children at home who are abusing them verbally or even physically. You have the right to live in your own home, free from abuse, intimidation or disrespect. Anytime someone treats you in this way, they are violating a boundary and sometimes violating the law. It’s your right to establish personal boundaries that keep you physically and emotionally safe. In other situations, some adult children are not quite abusive, but they have literally worn out their welcome by taking and taking (financially and emotionally) without giving in return. The bottom line is you do not have to feel guilty about moving your adult child into independence so you can have your own life back. You have the right to spend your money on things for yourself. You have the right to enjoy peaceful evenings in your own home. You have the right to have the environment you want in your home. You’ve raised your child. He’s an adult now. You are not expected to provide for him any more than your parents are expected to provide for you as an adult.
If you are in a situation that is intolerable with your adult child and have decided he needs to move out of your home, the following steps will help:
Remember to strengthen those emotional buttons. If your adult child typically pushes the “guilt” and “sympathy” buttons in order to stay dependent and comfortable, prepare yourself for what’s coming and come up with a plan on how you’ll handle it. You might even try making some note cards or adopt a slogan to remind yourself that you have the right to have your own home, free from negativity or meeting another adult’s needs.
Next, contact your local court to gather information about what legal steps you can take to move your adult child out. Many states require you to serve a “Notice to Quit” to any adult living in your home. If your adult child still refuses to leave, you may need to follow up with an Eviction Notice that gives a deadline for him to move out, typically thirty days. If your adult child still refuses to leave, your local police department can enforce the eviction and will often notify the person that they will be escorted out of the home anywhere from 24 to 48 hours later. (Note: We aren’t able to address all legalities fully in this article due to the fact that each state differs in its laws regarding eviction.)
Related: Is your child verbally abusive?
Eviction steps may sound harsh but remember to think of your adult as a tenant. If you’re to the point of evicting your adult son or daughter out of your home, things have probably reached a point that is simply intolerable for you. Your adult child may resist moving out at first, but again, the more uncomfortable he is, the more likely he is to leave on his own accord. If you fear violence or other repercussions from your child because of these steps, it’s beneficial to seek out local resources on domestic violence and/or contact the court regarding your right to a restraining order. Safety always comes first and if you’re in a domestic violence situation with your adult child, you’ll want to talk with someone knowledgeable about a safety plan.
A Side Note…
If you’re living with a spouse or long-term partner who is not on the same page as you, it can make putting these steps into effect extremely difficult. You can only control yourself. If it’s causing serious conflict, you may want to seek counseling regarding how you can come to a mutual agreement.
The Bottom Line
Many, many young adults are struggling to become independent in today’s generation. Yes, the economy is bad and our country is experiencing hard times. But that’s nothing new. We’ve gone through recessions and depressions in the past. Families used to have “leftover parties,” where they got together and turned their leftovers into a meal. They used to wait until the weekend to talk on the phone to long-distance relatives so the rates were lower. Sometimes there wasn’t a yearly vacation and kids brown-bagged it instead of buying hot lunches. There’s nothing wrong with a family pulling together to make it in today’s world. The difference with many of the young adults in today’s generation seems to be in the sense of entitlement and the aversion to sacrificing in order to make it. Gone are the days of “If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.” Today, society is all about technology and instant gratification. But it’s not too late to teach our adult children the values of delayed gratification and working for things they desire. It’s okay for them to be uncomfortable and realize they have the ability to survive hard times through self reliance. If your guilt or fear buttons start reacting, remember: we give our kids these lessons out of love.
 |
Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are the co-creators of Life Over the Influence, a new program to help families struggling with substance abuse issues. |
READER'S COMMENTS
Although I don't have an adult child living at home, I do have an older sister living with us. I love the idea of a contract. Do you have samples?
Comment By : wolfpackfan
I am so glad to read your articles about children (ADULTS) living with the parents I just went thru a two year's She had a Baby and it was premee and she wanted to be at home with it as he had a stroke at birth and is in therapy now and has been sence birth. so she stayed with me and her father while the baby is in therapy. how ever she moved out for 3 months and fell flat on her but and had to come back. she was so rude and dispectiful to us and stayed only 3 weeks as we wouldn't give her a bed to sleep and she and her two children sleep on couch and floor she didn't like it she sold all of her furniture during the 3 weeks with and got mad at me screaming at us and in front of her children and having them so up set and told them that it was our fault, Now we can't see or grand childrern and she tells them we don't love and it just brake's our heart. we want have a good Christmas. By the way our Daughter is 40 year's old and has never grown up. oldest child is 12 year's old and has A D H D and she tells him he is stupid and ifm he get into trouble he says it's O. K. cause I'm Stupid and can't help it. I want to be with my grand children they need our love and care. Hope I can get some good answers to my problem...
Comment By : Marty
This is all great info. I have an adult child living at home but it is complicated by the fact that in the last 20 months he has been diagnosed as both bipolar and HIV positive. And to boot he just came out of a very toxic marriage. I don't know what is reasonable at this point. Any suggestions?
Comment By : jmrlvl01
I agree with all of this...but what if said adult child has his OWN 8 year old child....with emotional and physical problems? Makes $300 dollars a week and is ill himself? What then????
Comment By : Diana59
Thank you for this series. Many of the suggestions that you have made should be put into motion before our children become adults and we have to refer to them as "adult children". We forget all the things that our parents DID NOT DO FOR US. These were the things that created a sense of independence, prepared us to take on the world and make our own way. There would have been a sense of failure to be an adult and still depending on my parents for survival, let alone anything considered a non-necessity. Some of the most important steps to independence are often the most uncomfortable and difficult ones to go through.......for all parties involved.
Comment By : AJ12
I like the idea of making sure that they get a job and stay at a job for 6 months, minimally, to build their confidence. And, setting up a match savings with them. Match them a dollar for every dollar for a car or earning $3,000 to get several months in savings for them to start off on their own faster.
Comment By : Joyce
My 21 year old son is very verbally abusive to me. my husband has always denied the disfunction in my sons life. he got kicked out of high school and hasn been arrested several times and spent almost a year in jail. he was diagnosed at 17 years old with antisocial personality traits. a few years earlier with ADHD, high blood pressure probably from anxiety. he has never cooperated with treatment and was verbally abusive to the professionals that were trying to help him. He lives at home and drives me to insanity almost every day. My husband says to just ignore it and will not take a strong stand with him. we feel responsible for him because of his mental illness. He has not been employed for more than a few months due to his inappropriate behaviors. He was denied SSI benefits because of his unwillingness to stay in treatment. I am at my wits end and don t know what to do!
Comment By : laura
I am very impressed with the above article but the problem is in our country there is no such rules or help for single parents who have an adult child in the house and is asked to move out of the house we have been living in joint family even if we have a problem child. We have to live with him or her. When the parents are old they throw away the parents.My child says that I have to gave him everyting because his father pays me, if I tell his father there is a big clash in the house which I can;t take. My son is going to be 18 in August 2012 he even hates my voice he tells me to shut up when I try to talk but he talks to me whenever de likes. Want some advice.
Comment By : Ishrat
Thank you very much for this article. My son announced to us over the summer that he wanted to take a year off college. He has failed most of his classes, and has partied all the way to the Midwest and back to a state college. We had him sign a contract before he left for college and he breached it when he came home with dissappointing peformance. We told him that his mom/dad scholarship is terminated indefinitely. Our son does not yell or scream or act out but he twists everything we say and says things like "Well, what is the point, you guys must think I am a loser to begin with anyway..." He keeps forgetting that it is his parents who have advocated for him from day one. He could be belligerent and disrespectful and my husband and I were having problems because I tend to be the parent that go through the guilt and I resent my husband for saying that he is an adult and he should move out. We agreed to my son's request to take a year off after burning through so much money for college. He also asked for a therapist because he told us that he has issues. We hired a therapist and encouraged him to get a job because we were not willing to pay for his "exploration of self." We went through a very rough time in our lives - my son was very emotionally abusive to me and his Dad; disrespectful in his attitude. Finally he found a job at a small non-profit and we pushed him to move out. It was tough for him to find a place to live because he has no work history or big income so my husband and I decided to bite the bullet and bought a 2-bedroom apartment and rent it to my son and his friends. We decided that this purchase is more than a financial investment; rather, this is our investment in our son's maturity and independence. So far, he is learning to cope on his limited budget, taking the bus into the city, eating what they can cook or buy with their limited income. He is also learning to live with non-family members. I have learned, not in a small part, from reading on this site is to learn to respect his boundaries. I do not ask more than I want to know, I leave him alone, we do not ask where he spends his money, or with whom. Also, he has never withheld information from us. He at least asks to talk with us when he wants to discuss something. We of course, like any other parents tell him that we will always love him even if we may hate what he has done. Lately, he told us that he has found his calling as a teacher and will go back to college when his gap year is over or after the 2012 presidential election. He also acknowledged the opportunities we have been giving him thus far. We believe there is yet hope for him to turn his life around. We will always love him but we have turned our love into tough love to enable him to grow his wings and fly solo.
Comment By : Mocha2012
I have a child, he is 16 years old. I am very concern because he does not want to go to school, does not help at all in the house, even with his things does not take care. He is very lazy. He sais he wants to work, but what he will do if he does not graduate from high school. Please give an advice in what should I do? Thanks for help me!
Comment By : Arelis (mother of Two)
* Dear Ishrat and Laura, Sounds like you are both living with young men who have a strong sense of entitlement and are treating you in ways you find unacceptable. As parents, we often second-guess ourselves and how we should respond to our kids, even when they're adults. You have the right to set boundaries and limits with others about how you'll be treated - no matter who it is! Having a diagnosis is not an excuse to verbally abuse others and avoid taking personal responsibility. Laura, as you've found, such behavior is nearly impossible to ignore and doing so probably keeps your son comfortable - he's not experiencing any negative consequences for his behavior so why bother changing? The idea behind ignoring behavior is to stop it by not giving it attention. Doesn't sound like that's been successful in this case, probably because he's an adult, not a toddler. Also, blaming yourself will only keep that Guilt Emotional Button pushed 24/7 and is actually a disservice to your son. Many, many people are diagnosed with mental illness and do not verbally abuse others. They go on to lead successful lives because they choose to do so. Your son has had many opportunities to be involved in therapy but is more comfortable with the way things are than to make efforts to change. Ishrat, you are not obligated to explain to give your son everything he wants in this world just because you receive child support. That money probably doesn't cover all the necessities of raising him including housing, heat, food, clothes, etc. You are also both trying to address these behaviors without the support of your child's other parent. That's hard, but you can't control other people - only yourselves. You can still establish boundaries with your child, even if the other parent chooses not to. It might help to start with small steps, small limits, which will help you build strength and confidence and start putting a plan down on paper of what you want to see happen with your son.
Comment By : Marney Studaker–Cordner, LMSW and Kim Abraham, LMSW
* Dear Marty, It's so hard when grandchildren are involved, especially during the holidays. That's when our fear and sadness buttons get pushed. We're afraid of being cut off from our grandkids and it's sad to watch those children struggle as well. It tugs at our heartstrings and sometimes we end up allowing our adult kids to treat us in ways that are unacceptable, just to make sure we can stay in our grandchild's life. Kids are often used as tools to hurt another person: the other parent, grandparents, etc. and whenever that happens it's very sad. You had, and have, every right to set limits on how you will be treated by your daughter and to draw the line at rude and disrespectful behavior. It sounds like you've tried to let your grandchildren know how much you love them and that's really all you can do. You can keep offering that love to your grandkids and your daughter, while maintaining your boundaries. Sometimes time really does heal things and your daughter may yet come around. It sounds like you and her father are supportive of each other and we wish you both peace during this difficult holiday season.
Comment By : Marney Studaker–Cordner, LMSW and Kim Abraham, LMSW
* Dear Diana59 and jmrlv101, Each of us has to decide what we will and will not tolerate in our home and in our relationships. Again, many people do choose to allow their adult kids to live with them for financial reasons or to provide other support. It's all in what you can live with. Even if an Adult child is ill, there can still be a reciprocal relationship - meaning it's not all him taking and you giving. He can still treat you respectfully and (in Diana's case) parent his own child rather than leaving that role to you. He can still make contributions to the household, even if it's not financially. Sometimes it's about taking small steps, developing a plan for him to move toward more independence. A good way to determine what's reasonable is how you're feeling about it: if you're feeling uncomfortable or resentful, your boundaries are probably being crossed and it's time to make some changes.
Comment By : Marney Studaker–Cordner, LMSW and Kim Abraham, LMSW
* Dear Wolfpackfan, Any contract should address issues that are important to your individual situation: Is there a time limit on how long the living arrangements will last? What are the financial obligations (who pays for what)? Are there any property restrictions (furniture, etc.)? Are there any issues that are specific concerns (Such as overnight guests, substance use in the home, visiting children/family)? The purpose of a contract is to clarify expectations and responsibilities up front, to limit surprises or "Gee, we never agreed on that," or "I never knew that" conflicts down the road.
Comment By : Marney Studaker–Cordner, LMSW and Kim Abraham, LMSW
* Dear Arelis, There are actually many things people can do without a high school diploma, but you're right: a good work ethic means your son is more likely to be able to find and keep a job. It sounds like right now your son is comfortable sitting on the couch and taking things for granted. You're more worried about his future than he is! One way to help him feel uncomfortable is to start backing off now from providing him with "extras": cell phones, internet, designer clothes, fast food, video games, etc. - things he wants but doesn't truly need. This may make him uncomfortable enough that he gets off the couch and finds a part-time job, so he can get the extras he wants for himself. In doing so, you're also preparing him for real life, when he will have to provide for himself. Hang in there - often we worry about what road our kids will take. Sometimes a high school diploma doesn't seem important to them when they're sixteen, but remember, he can always return to night school or get his GED if he finds the motivation to do so.
Comment By : Marney Studaker–Cordner, LMSW and Kim Abraham, LMSW
My heart aches when I read some of the comments here. I have just finished two days of moving my 20-year old daughter into her first apartment. She is my only child. I have been a single mom all of her life. For three years now we have been at each other's throats. It was so awful to watch my sweet little girl turn into an abusive, foul-mouthed, lazy, disrespectful human being. It was equally awful that I turned into a nagging, ineffective, frustrated, foul-mouthed shrew. I'm sure you get the picture--our house became almost unliveable with all the screaming and tension. We were so stuck in the mud, and there were times I was absolutely certain it would never end-we would be stuck here FOREVER. After high school she spent a year away at college. It was an expensive disaster-she failed miserably. I had begun to relax with her gone even though I think I always knew she wouldn't make it. I suspect my lack of confidence in her was not as well hidden as I thought. When she came home for the summer, I told her I would not finance any more college. We went after each other with both barrels for three months. One day at the end of the summer during a particularly nasty fight I wanted her to leave the house and she refused. I dialed 911, thought better of it and hung up. The police called back, I told them it was a mistake but they showed up anyway. I ended up having the cop come in my house and make her leave. She was unfazed--I was mortified. I remember not being able to stop shaking. She went to live with her boyfriend's family. I hated that arrangement but I was glad she was gone. She got herself a job at Target, took out student loans to retake the classes she had failed previously and failed them again. But she kept the job. She was gone for six months--working at Target, not studying and playing video games with her LOSER boyfriend. I couldn't take it. So, once I calmed down, I started calling her and inviting her to come home. After a disasterous Christmas, she finally did. Guess what--the same old mess was back within a few weeks. She was stealing money out of my purse, still seeing the LOSER, staying out all night, using the foulest of language blah, blah, blah. I absolutely couldn't believe that nothing had changed. In fact, it had gotten WORSE and I had asked for it. There was one ray of hope, though, she kept her job and even got "promoted" to be a barista in the Starbucks at Target. During the calmer moments I managed to talk her into taking a look at a local school that trains court reporters. She agreed to enroll, kept her job but the acting out never let up. She went to school, but didn't do much work. I was getting so fed up with EVERYTHING, I decided to take a drastic step--no joke--I decided to sell my house! I had been thinking about it for awhile, for reasons other than my daughter's behavior, but now seemed as good a time as any. While the house was on the market we had to keep it neat and clean to show at a moment's notice. She would trash her room, her bathroom and leave dirty laundry all over the laundry room. I was constantly cleaning up after her. I'm sure you can imagine what it was like to live here under those circumstances. It took six months, but the house finally sold. Unbelievably, I told my daughter she could come to live with me at my new place (out of the area) or she could get herself an apartment and live on her own. She make a few half-hearted attempts to look for apartments, roommates etc. but, of course, nothing ever worked out. I finally had to find something, rent it in my name, and move her in. She is spending her second night there right now. We went grocery shopping today and, I have to say, it was FUN--the first time I have had fun with her in a very long time. She said she couldn't believe that she was 20 and didn't know how to grocery shop. It made me feel terrible, but all I told her was that she would learn--I meant it. The real shocker was when we went through the check-out and she saw how much it the groceries cost. I think the value of what I have provided for her over the years is beginning to sink in. She has refused vehemently in the past to discuss a budget with me and she started to get scared when she saw the grocery bill. I told her matter-of-factly that maybe she would want to discuss budgeting after a few more trips to the grocery store on her own dime. The point of this very long comment is this: THINGS CAN CHANGE BUT YOU, THE PARENT, HAVE TO CHANGE FIRST. I am convinced that if I had not changed my attitude toward her, if I hadn't stopped thinking of her as a helpless child and started expecting her to behave like the adult I wanted her to be, this nonsense WOULD have gone on forever. I forgot to mention that over the past several months I got her to see a counseler several times--I actually had come to the (wrong) conclusion that she must have some sort of mental condition!! All of this so that I didn't have to change MY attitude toward her. The pieces have started falling into place since I changed. I don't want anyone reading this to think that any of this was/is simple. I still have to talk myself down sometimes when I think of her living on her own. But I keep sane by thinking that she deserves a chance to find out what she can do. I'll be there to catch her if she falls hard, but I'm not expecting that any more. And I sure am not going to jump in to save her the minute she skins her knee--she can handle it or she will learn to. I hope this helps. There are alot of us out there struggling with this situation, and I suspect there will be alot more in the future. And we seem to struggle in silence, since no one wants to admit that we have less than perfect children. I know that's where I've been for awhile now. I just keep thinking about James Lehman saying, "You parent the child you have, not the one you wish you had." I love my daughter, warts and all, and she deserves a chance at her own life.
Comment By : Martie
First I am to thank you for your respond to my comment posted a few days ago. Please can you give your suggestion in what can I do with my 16 years old son, because he spoke to me about in not going back to school to dedicate every day to practice basketball which is his dream to be a famous player. I kept listening quietly because he almost never tell me what are his desires for his future. He also toll me that he does not need my permittion to quit from school (he said it in a nice way)but he only want my approval in that way he will feel better taking the decision. He said that he can go back to get a GED anytime he needs it. As you see I am very concerd in what I should do in this case. Should I talk to his counselor at the school or what else I should do? Give me an orientation in what any parent can do in this situation. Thanks a lot for any suggestion.
Comment By : Arelis Mother of two
To Arelis Mother of Two: It sounds like your son has made the decision to quit school and pursue his dream of professional basketball. These are the most difficult times for parents: when our kids hit an age where they start making choices that aren't what we pictured, such as quitting school. It can help to remember that this is your son's journey and he will continue to make many choices about what kind of life he wants to have. It's great that you were able to listen to him, recognizing the opportunity when he shared his thoughts and dreams with you, when he typically doesn't. It must have been very difficult to listen, without trying to advise him against his plans. But by listening, you opened the door to him to be willing to continue to communicate with you and very likely earned some of his respect. Just as we want our kids to hear us, our kids want us to hear them. He's probably right about not needing your permission, but you might want to check with your local court on what the legal age is to quit school. He's also right about being able to return to get his GED in the future. The positive news is that he's given that some thought as a back up plan, should his dream not work out. Many talented athletes and entertainers have quit high school to pursue their dreams. Will it turn out successfully for your son? Only time will tell. He may try it and decide it wasn't what he indeed wanted. If he's talented, he may indeed have a career in basketball. If he's made his decision, you're limited in what you can control. You can't physically force him to attend school, and trying to do so will likely end up in a power struggle with you on the losing end. At this point, he's willing to talk to you. You could ask him if he's open to your thoughts on turning his dream into a plan. Maybe he'll decide on a time frame: "If I'm not where I want to be in a year, I'll go for my GED." Or maybe he's open to the idea of talking to others who've pursued this dream, such as recruiters, players or coaches, which will help him decide if it's realistic or not and what steps he might take. The key is to keep communication open and it sounds like you've already started.
Comment By : Marney Studaker–Cordner, LMSW and Kim Abraham, LMSW
My husband and I are not on the same page. I feel he is in denial about the situation and gets angry whenever I discuss it with him. If I do not agree with him, he starts to shout and then I am the problem. I think it is easier for him to direct his anger at me instead of actually facing the situation about our daughter who spends her days watching TV or playing on the computer. Whenever I bring up the situation with my daughter, she gets angry, goes into her room and slams the door. My husband keeps claiming there is a time or a date(which keeps getting extended) when he will back me up but as long as he does not(he will not even ask her to do a chore or get out of bed), our daughter has a back-up against doing something concrete
Comment By : toofrustrated
I not only have one, but two adult children and two grandchildren living here. My daughter's husband just moved out (a real loser). I've never kicked them out for fear of what will happen to my 3 and 4 year old grandchildren and due to the type of father they have (always out trying to sell pot or whatever he's doing, not worked a real job in 3 years and my daughter wants her children to have a real father all their life. She doesn't want them to end up like my kids (with divorced parents)...haha right, give me a break. I found out they both have medical marijuana permits and they always threaten that I won't be able to see my grandkids if I don't back off. My son who also lives here is just as bad. The ages are 21, 22, and 29 of these 3 adorable individuals. I told my son 3 days ago that he has 30 days to move out. Now that my daughter is without her husband (this happens about once a month), she is doing a work search program with our local welfare office, but they are very verbally abusive to me (I feel it is drugs doing that), and eventually start being nice to me again as they feel guilty for the way they talked to me. None of them have contributed a cent in many months. I'm at my wits end and not quite sure how to handle it.......
Comment By : Help1234
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