The Ripple Effect of Defiant Behavior: When Parents Pay the Price

by James Lehman, MSW
The Ripple Effect of Defiant Behavior: When Parents Pay the Price

James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program, examines the effects of acting out behavior on parents and the family, and reveals how to calm the storm in the home.

Q: A child’s behavior problems can cause disturbances in a family beyond the relationship between the parent and the child, can’t they? I’ve had friends whose marriage suffered when their child started acting out. Is that common?

James:
One of the unseen costs of an acting out kid is all the different ways that the child’s behavior affects the family. Unfortunately, the effects on the family aren’t viewed by society, the courts or the school system as really relevant. So there’s not a lot of support built in for the family. They’ll determine that the family is “sick,” and then the family has to go to therapy. But I’ve met many families who were feeling the effects of behavior problems, and the family wasn’t sick. The problem was all the repercussions from the kid’s behavior.

Picture what happens when you drop a stone into a pond and you see the ripples. Now picture that stone being dropped in again and again so that the ripples keep expanding and expanding. A child with behavior problems is like the stone in the pond. Every time he acts out, it’s like another stone being dropped into that pond. The ripples get bigger and more frequent in the family. He can’t solve problems any other way than acting them out. His main skills are defiance, manipulation and dishonesty, because he doesn’t know any other way to solve his problems or to deal with the realities in his life, which are, admittedly, often very painful. But no matter how painful his problems are, a child still has to take responsibility and learn to solve them.

Marital conflicts emanate from child behavior problems almost always. One parent blames the other. What happens is that parents tend to look at each other through the “window” of the child. Instead of looking directly at each other, they look at each other through the kid’s behavior. When you’re in pain and uncomfortable and you look at somebody else through that kind of pain and discomfort, it distorts how they look to you. And it distorts how you feel about them. So you often find one parent blaming another or thinking the other parent isn’t doing it the right way or not doing enough.

When this acting out occurs, it can start to push parents toward the edge of their relationship, testing how strong it is and how solid they are. Ideally you would like to think that it bonds parents together, but it doesn’t happen that way. The behavior tends to split the parents.

 

Q: And the more split the parents become, the more problems develop in the family around that division. When this is going on, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by all the chaos in the family. How do you get through that chaos and get to the root of the problem?

James:
What parents need is a process by which they can be unified. I recommend that parents agree on certain principles and look at the actions that come from those principles. If our principle is, Johnny has to take responsibility for his behavior, then let’s all act that way and not worry about all the other issues that ripple out from that. Johnny has to take responsibility for his behavior, so let’s focus on that one thing. Let’s teach him problem solving skills. If there is a crisis, let’s handle it responsibly and productively. Responsibly means nobody gets hurt. And productively means that everybody can learn a lesson from it.

Once the family starts to deal with the child’s problem, the problems secondary to his behavior start to settle down. Whether the secondary problems are the parent’s communication, the other children’s safety and behavior or the financial strain that occurs when you have a kid who’s acting out, those things tend to subside, once you focus on the behavior problem.

So parents need to be able to communicate and not look at their relationship through the child. Rather, begin to look at your child through your relationship. See yourselves as a team. Parents find that the behavior calms down when they start working more like a team. First, because they find the common solution. They find something that works and that’s helping their child. Second, the family stressors go down. They’re able to deal with the normal stress of taking kids to soccer, taking kids to guitar practice or whatever they normally do. And they’re not dealing with the stressors of crisis, calls from the school, going down to the police station, or trips to the hospital or the emergency room.

When I work with parents and talk to them about being a team, I find they get really in touch with that. They're eager to find a way to enjoy each other’s company again. Because they realize their kid is like a loaded gun in their midst, firing whenever he wants. And they know that nobody can live peacefully with that. No marriage can work really strongly when that’s going on, because people are fatigued, angry, frustrated and afraid. The outcome of changing the child’s behavior is that parents communicate better. They feel better about their marriage and they feel better about themselves. I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times, and it can happen for you.


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James Lehman, MSW was a renowned child behavioral therapist who worked with struggling teens and children for three decades. He created the Total Transformation Program to help people parent more effectively. James' foremost goal was to help kids and to "empower parents."

READER'S COMMENTS

it's like you've been watching my family over the past few years! thanks for having these articles online, it helps til we can afford the whole system

Comment By : macungie mom

I agree with that the parents must remain a united front because dealing with a defiant child is stressful and can destroy a marriage if not careful. The more I read the articles the more I understand the importance of getting the program and allowing it to work in my families life. I love my daughter immensely and only want the best for her. It hurts me to see her act out because in the long run she really only hurting herself.

Comment By : desperate mom

What do you do in the case where the divorced parents don't get along and have that dynamic going? How do you get them to be a unified front?

Comment By : Caring Stepmom to Be

I have been dealing with it for the past 4 years + If anyone has any suggestions please help!

Comment By : caring parent

* To ‘caring parent’: We’re sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time. Here are some other articles you might find helpful:
Differences in Parenting? How Your Child May Be Using it Against You
"I'm So Exhausted": 4 Tips to Combat Parental Burnout
I hope this helps. We wish you the best.

Comment By : Sara A. Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor

Empowering Parents is just a great site for gathering all the tools you need to become an effective parent. Even I have learned a few new tricks after 40 years as a Child Psychotherapist and Behavioural Therapist (ABA/VBA) Keep up the good work EP. Joe Grennell. Child Psychotherapist: Mauritius

Comment By : Joseph27.

I have an 11 year old with whom I am a single for the last 4 years. Dad hasn't really kept up with the family and is very self absorbed. The 11 year old is sometimes very sweet and other times is sassy and defiant towards me and my mother and her older sister and sometimes hits her 4 year old brother. She was diagnosed with ADD several years ago and is on Concerta daily. She is a smert kid and I don't know how to handle the outbursts.Please help me to learn how to help her.

Comment By : HELP ME

* To ‘HELP ME’: It sounds like you are dealing with some pretty frustrating behaviors. The first step here is to work on your response to your 11 year-old when she is angry, upset, or otherwise escalated. You can tell her she needs to go calm down and you will talk when she is calm. If your daughter does not leave the room, take your 4 year old into another room with you and advise your older daughter to either go to her room or join you in yours. Here is where you “ride out the storm” so to speak. Your daughter might scream and bang on the door but do not respond unless you think she might be unsafe. By removing yourselves from the situation, you are protecting your son and others in case your daughter becomes abusive-- it’s much easier to get your 4 year old to move than your angry 11 year old. When things are calm, have a problem solving discussion (see Part I and Part II of our effective parenting roles series) about what was going on for her and what she can do differently next time to handle herself better. If she was physically abusive to someone, withhold a privilege until she does something to right the wrong—making a card for her brother, helping him pick up his toys, or playing nicely with him for 15 minutes. The article links above will give you more information and suggestions to help you enhance your skills as a Limit-Setter, Problem-Solver, and Trainer/Coach for your children. We wish you and your family the best.

Comment By : Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor

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Related keywords:

marital conflict, parenting differences, siblings, acting out, behavior problems, Defiant Behavior, The Total Transformation, James Lehman, child obedience, child attitude, Defiant teens, teen boot camp

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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