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EmpoweringParents.com
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When Your Child Says, “I Don’t Fit In.”
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by James Lehman, MSW
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Every child feels like they don’t fit in at some point. Even adults feel that way occasionally: we all experience being “alone in a room full of people.” With kids, the need to be part of a group is instinctual; it’s survival. They want to fit in and be like everyone else because it gives them a sense of safety and security. So when your child tells you they don’t fit in, they’re also saying, “I don’t feel safe.” The anxiety comes from thoughts of, “I’m different; I’m vulnerable.” And sadly, other children tend to focus on kids who are different and can be very cruel.
Your child is going to make the problem huge, so you have to be the one to say, “Yeah, that’s tough,” and then bring it down to its right size.
When your child is getting picked on for being different, know that it’s excruciatingly painful for him or her. But you also need to realize as a parent that you can’t fix it; there’s nothing that you can say or do that’s going to take that pain away—so stop looking for the magic answer. Instead, start working with your child to give them the skills they need to solve the problem they’re facing right now.
“But What If My Child Really Doesn’t Fit in?” Kids with Learning or Behavioral Disabilities
When your child doesn’t fit in with his peer group for some emotional, behavioral or physical reason, I think you have to find an organized way as a parent to work with them step by step, to show them how to manage their daily lives.
One thing to consider is that many learning disabilities often don’t manifest themselves until your child starts school, although the issues have been there since birth. So when a child gets to kindergarten or first grade, you might see that he has trouble reading, doing math or processing social situations. In reality, that disability has been there all along—it’s just surfacing in a different, more concrete way. By the time that child has been diagnosed, he’s probably already developed a very cautious way of looking at the world; he already feels different and is working hard to hide it. The learning disability might not be discovered until years later, but it has always affected that child.
Look at it this way: if you have a learning disability that causes you to get letters or numbers backwards, what do you think it’s going to do to your understanding of relationships, friendships, trust or responsibility? Do you think you’re going to get all those things straight, and it’s just the numbers that are backwards? This is a much more complex problem than people think.
So if you tell a child with special needs who feels like he doesn’t fit in, “C’mon, you’re just like the other kids. Don’t let it bother you,” that’s not really a helpful answer. Instead, it's a message to your child that they have control over whether or not they have a disability, or the power to decide how it affects them. He’s going to walk away feeling like there’s something wrong with him, and he’s going to say to himself, “Nobody understands me, I really am different.” While kids may often learn how to manage the effects their learning disabilities have upon them, it usually takes a lot of work and effort on everybody's part—parents, teachers and the kids themselves—to make that happen.
Personally, I felt different as kid. I was adopted, I had learning and behavioral disabilities, I felt like I didn’t fit in, and kids teased me. But I learned over time how to be comfortable inside my own skin. It was more difficult back then because parents did not have the skills and education they have today. They didn’t understand the importance of teaching kids how to solve problems and they didn't know how to coach their kids to build on their skill base. Simply put, in those days, parents didn't have the resources to teach their children not be victims, regardless of their vulnerabilities.
Your Job When Your Child is Feeling Different: Use the Teaching, Coaching and Limit-Setting Roles
So what is your role as a parent in this situation? One job is to balance reassurance with coaching. When talking to your child, remind them that a lot of other kids have gone through the same thing and made it through okay. Give them some perspective on the issue, the knowledge that this is not the end of the world. Also, in your own mind, don’t let it be the end of the world.
This is the time to be a coach and teacher to your child. Coaches reinforce and remind kids of skills that have already been aquired. Teachers help kids identify and develop the skills they need to solve an individual problem. I think being a teacher is one of the most precious things we are to kids. It’s a powerful thing to be able to help your child identify and solve his or her problems, because you’re giving them a tool that will aid them the rest of their lives.
You also need to continue setting limits even if your child is feeling bad or down. Let them know you still expect them to carry out their responsiblities and complete their tasks. If they’re upset after school, just say, “Well, take a few minutes and then let’s get started with homework.” They can feel bad for a certain amount of time, but then they have to start their homework or clean their room. The key is, don’t let them be crippled by feeling bad, and don’t treat them like they’re a cripple.
Another valuable lesson is to function appropriately no matter how you feel. Yes, it’s important to feel the feelings, but it’s also important to do something positive about them. Here’s the truth: we all have to do what we have to do no matter how we feel.
The limit-setting function of a parent is very important during these times. You can be loving and concerned, but it’s up to you to keep this problem in perspective. Your child is going to make the problem huge, so you have to be the one to say, “Yeah, that’s tough,” and then bring it down to its right size. And its right size is, “It really hurts when this happens, but it happens. And even when we’re feeling this way, we still have to do our homework. We still have to talk nicely to our little brother. We still have to clean our room, we still have to eat dinner.” That way, your child is still being responsible and still keeping up with the tasks in his or her life.
7 Tips to Help Your Child
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1. Try Not to Overreact When Your Child Comes to You
When your child goes to school and gets picked on, you feel powerless as a parent. It frightens you, it makes you angry, but really, it’s a sense of powerlessness that you’re experiencing. You do everything you can to protect yourself in life, but when your child goes to school and gets hurt, you’re vulnerable too. The feeling of powerlessness is a personal feeling and it’s a devastating one. Many parents lose their objectivity when their child tells them they’re being excluded, picked on or bullied. The technique for the parent here is to go take five minutes and calm down, talk it through with others if you can, work it out, but don’t overreact in front of your child.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s very normal for parents to feel powerless and it’s very difficult for them not to overreact to that feeling. But understand this: when you feel powerless, your first response is not always the best response. In fact, there are generally two kinds of reactions when people feel powerless: one is stick their head in the sand, and the other is to strike out. Know that neither one is helpful to a kid.
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2. Let Your Child Talk about it and Give Reassurance
When their child tries to talk to them about not fitting in or being picked on, parents may unconsciously become less warm or receptive. Or they may give other signals, verbal or non-verbal, that say they’re uncomfortable talking about it. They may try to minimize the problem, and make it seem like it’s “not that big of a deal.”
But the danger here is that your child gets the message, “They don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Try to remain open to hearing what they have to say, and be calm and soothing in your response. Let your child talk it out—don’t try to make the problem seem like it’s not important, because in the child’s life, it’s huge. Yes, all kids go through this. But maybe all kids don’t go through what your kid is going through.
Remember that when a child tells you something, that’s his way of asking for help. So parents really have to work on being comforting and accepting. They have to give their child the tools he needs to learn social skills, to learn how to read social situations. You can start by saying, “What you’re going through happens to kids sometimes, and I can get you some help with that.” Both are important for your child to know. Telling them that many children have experienced this feeling or situation “right sizes” the problem, and letting them know that you can help them offers them some tangible hope. Help may come in the form of books or online resources like Empowering Parents. It may come from the school, as a result of your discussions with teachers or administrators, or from counseling or workbooks your child can do. Regardless, let your child know that help is out there, and that they don’t have to go it alone.
If you freak out and start to panic about your child not fitting in, he’s going to think you think he’s a freak, too. So, it’s very important when kids share their feelings of being different for you to remain calm. Often it’s very comforting for kids to hear things like, “That happened to me when I was a kid, and I know how much it hurts.” They feel comforted when you identify with their problem and empathize with them. Another way of doing that is to say, “That must feel awful for you.” That’s framing it for them and empathizing with them at the same time.
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3. Affirm What You’ve Heard
Affirm what’s going on in your child’s life and acknowledge that it’s hard for them. You can say things like, “It must be really tough to feel like you don’t fit in.” And then you can move to the offer of help: “I’m going to get us some help with that. I bet you’re not the only kid that doesn’t feel like he fits in. I bet there are books out there and stuff we can find online that will help us.” You’re showing positive regard to your child, being comforting and being helpful.
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4. “Try to Find One Friend First.”
It’s a lot easier to start a relationship with one person than trying to fit into the group. When you talk with your child, tell them to deal with other kids one at a time. You can say, “How about if you start with trying to find one friend first? Is there anyone at school who you might like to hang out with?” Suggest people they might not have thought about before. “What about the kid sitting next to you? Or the kid sitting on the other side of you? Try talking to one of them, maybe you’ll get a better response.” In addition, see if your child can find friends outside of school, in other circles, or places where they might meet other kids with the same interests. Your child can join things like the Boy Scouts or the Girl Scouts, where the uniform basically levels the playing field: everybody in the room has the same shirt on, so kids stand out less in that crowd.
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5. Teach Them How to Read Social Situations
Another skill to teach kids is how to read social situations. So if there’s a group of kids that doesn’t like your child or picks on them, your child needs to learn how to stay away from them and find other kids who they get along with: maybe there are some shy kids they can befriend or other kids having a hard time. For some children, reading social situations is more difficult than for others. But there are tools that can help parents work with their kids that will teach them how to read expressions and pick up on social cues.
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6 The Power of Postive Self-talk
Positive self-talk doesn’t mean that you’re saying, “I’m wonderful and everything’s all right, lah, lah, lah.” That’s not positive self-talk. Positive self-talk is reasoning, soothing self-talk that helps you stay calm and keep your perspective.
Kids get anxious when they’re feeling left out or being picked on. Their adrenaline starts to pump, they think less clearly, and they panic. Positive, soothing self-talk is meant to bring them back down. In other words, it calms down their internal physical system, and accordingly, their thoughts.
Here’s how it breaks down. First, help your child identify what’s going on. Perhaps another kid at school is picking on your daughter because she doesn’t like the way she dresses. You can say, “It’s not your problem that Ashley doesn’t like your clothes. It’s her problem. It makes you feel bad, but you’re okay. In fact, you’re great just the way you are, and I love you.” Try that kind of soothing, calming talk as a parent. And then suggest to your child, “How about saying that to yourself next time it happens? Can you do that? ‘This is not my problem, it’s her problem.’” Or, “I’m doing the best I can. If they don’t like me, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not the only kid being teased around here.” You can also role play that conversation with younger kids to help coach them through it.
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7. Let Them Know It’s OK to Ask for Help
Another skill parents can teach kids is how to ask for help. Here’s a scenario: your child comes home upset because some kids were laughing at him again in homeroom. So you say, “Well, maybe you could ask your teacher to move you.” And if the next day your child says, “I did ask her, and she wouldn’t.” Say, “All right then, you did exactly the right thing. Now, let me talk to the teacher, I’ll see if I can be helpful.” Remember, one of the best things you can ever ask your child is, “What would be helpful for you right now?” And then respect their need for space. Above all, let them know that it’s always okay to ask for help.
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If Your Child is Being Bullied, Work with the School Aggressively
A word about bullying: if your child is being bullied, you need to be very proactive with teachers and the school. Have the school explain what they will do to protect your child from being a target of bullying. Physical and emotional safety is the school’s responsibility while that child is in their care. If your child is being excluded, let the teacher know you want them pulled into activities.
When parents came to my office with this problem, I’d say, “If your child is being bullied, call the teacher first. If they don’t cooperate with you, then call the principal. If they’re not responsive, call the superintendent. And let the superintendent tell the principal there’s a problem. Because once the principal hears it from the superintendent, he’s more likely to take action to solve the problem in an appropriate way. The principal might feel vulnerable that he didn’t know about it, and that will prompt him to further action.”
“Don’t Compare Your Insides to Other People’s Outsides”
There’s a saying I really like: “Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides.” One of the big, big mistakes we make in assessing ourselves is that we constantly compare our insides to other people’s outsides. Inside we may be feeling frantic, or worried, or any number of things. And on the outside, other people look like they’ve got it all together. The end result is that when you compare your insides to other people’s outsides, you come up short—and that’s especially true if you’re a kid. Children and teens compare how they feel to the way other people look all the time. So if your child is feeling anxious and afraid and all the other kids look like they’re having a good time, your child is going to feel out of place and different. And meanwhile, all those other kids feel anxious and uptight, too, and when they look at your child, they think he looks like he’s okay. So the key is to teach your child not to compare himself to others, but to really to do what he’s comfortable with inside.
Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and parenting blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com. |
I love reading your newsletters because it reinforces how I deal with things. One incident that occured. Because my children are boarderline, they attract the special need kids to them, this does not bother me - it shows my children are kind- they include these types of kids, etc., and my kids have always been bullied but now doing what your article states had helped them enormously. but interestingly here is something one of their friends said to me who is dyslexic and has other major issues that he hasn't been mainstreamed in 8th grade - so I am not sure how to react.
he was begging me to have my children go to his house on a school night in the middle of mid-terms. I then sternly said, sorry they can't go to your house they have mid-terms. His response was " I am disabled so I don't have to have mid-terms" - this has now become his standard answers to when he can't move quickly, etc. I find that allowing your child to use his disability as an excuse as not being able to perform is more harmful. Oh here's another good one. I was swimming in a private swimming lane and a bunch of 12 year olds were not listening to the lifeguard and he had to tell them numerous times "get out of the swimming lane" I was angry and as I passed them I said "you guys don't listen do you?" did you know that the kid said to me , no I don't because I have ADHD - unfortunatley I said, I bet that's the excuse your parents give all the time. I know I sound harsh but we are raising a bunch of kids that will not be able to function. I have experience with emotionally disabled relatives, some can't and don't work which I believe enabled them and there are others that do work and function to their ability. We all can't be perfect and smart and we should learn that we were given certain abilities and disabilites and appreciiate both our abilities and disabilities - so what I can't knit? sorry for ranting but you can see I am frustrated with how we are dealing with things-especially in the education arena where teachers can't deal with boarderline special needs and we have dumbed down all of our educational standards.
Comment By : joji
Isnt that the truth joji! I have 2 kids, 1 with learning disabilities and 1 that is gifted. My daughter, the learning disabled child, was not "bad enough" to qualify for special ed. As a result, we have had to pay out of pocket for educ psych, tutoring, etc. She is currently in the 8th grade. Last year when the public school refused to have her retained, we went to a private school who did. She is now thriving in a very small, low student to teacher ratio Christian school where we have excellent communication with teachers. My son is in the 6th grade and highly gifted in math. He is underwhelmed and under challenged. The public school again refuses to do anything for him. We are now looking into putting him into a bigger private school to give him the added challenge he needs to also thrive. I don't know whom the public schools are "not leaving behind", but it is not my kids! It must be those in the middle that survive the experience. And now with the CA budget crisis...even they will be hurting!
Comment By : Liz from CA
We signed our son up for Boy Scouts 4 years ago and he is thriving. What a great program! The boys must learn to get along with each other as they focus on a common goal and end up making friends as they share the journey. There are some boys in the troop my son didn't like at all in the beginning and now he hangs out with them. We need to remind our kids that people can change over time and that those kids that were giving them a bad time last year may end up being a friend in the future.
Comment By : R&R's mom
My son is in his second year of Boy Scouts and is being bullied. We don't seem to get anywhere going up the chain of command in the troop. I think they don't know what to do. I think the parents don't know how to handle it either. If you were the parent of a bully, what would you do? I think my son is learning being a bully is okay.
Comment By : Sue in WA
* Dear Sue in WA:
I would continue to talk about it with the person who is directly involved with supervising the kids and only occasionally letting the chain of command know the status. Try saying things to the troop leader like, “I know you’re as concerned as we are about this, so I’ll keep in touch with you and I’ll occasionally follow up with troop leadership so they know how this is going.” It’s not recommended that you talk to the parents of the child who is the bully, but instead continue to work with the leadership of your son's troop.
Teach your child to walk away and encourage him to stay in the company of friends. Ask the troop leader if there is someone that they recommend who might be a good friend to your son. Try to develop that friendship outside of scouts so he has this good friend to stick with during meetings.
Sometimes kids are bullied because they appear to lack self confidence. This does not make it your child’s fault, but if this seems to be the case, help your child act with self confidence. Teach him to speak clearly while making eye contact. Help him practice his skills by increasing his social interactions with other kids at events besides Boyscouts.
Keep checking in with him. This will let him know that this situation is something you are interested in and will continue to work on with him.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
MY son is in the 6th grade he does his work quickly and because he has poor spelling ability his English teacher has been making fun of him by reading his work to the class as he has spelled it. Yesterday she said to another child " do you want to hear how Justin spelled horse?" My son had forgotten the "e" at the end of the word.
I am a poor speller and feel for my son but I was never ridiculed openly by my teacher. How do I work with my son, I am afraid that this will stay with him.
Comment By : Donna
Donna, I was going to say you should talk to your sons teacher and if there is not immediate remorse and apology to your student, then talk to the principal. However, I think this is so egregious and unconscionable that perhaps you should go straight to the principal. (It makes me so angry to hear about this, I want to suggest you get the stupid teacher in trouble, big time.) Be careful that in your anger you remain reasonable and not spiteful. But I would definitely get up to that school and start talking to someone. Bad Bad Bad teacher. Would it be appropriate to recommend to your son to talk to the teacher himself and say "I don't want you to ridicule me any more. Especially not in front of the class." Can't wait to read more comments on this one.
Comment By : Cam in Ft. Worth
Donna, Document everything. Put everything in writing. cc the Board of Education. In my experience, these things just get pushed aside and the teacher keeps doing the same thing over and over again.
When I was in Middle School, there was a PE teacher who always picked on one student in each class. I was the unlucky recipient of this attention in Grade 6. I had been born with a club foot. Back in those days, braces were used to correct the problem in early childhood. Now the infant wears a cast that is changed out every week. I was never sure on my feet although I could swim like a fish. This teacher's inappropriate remarks were uncalled for and unconscionable.
They crushed my adolescent spirit. I didn't say anything because I didn't know better - the teacher had said this. All of the other students adopted the teacher's attitude toward me. It had taken me decades to really believe that I was not defective and something to be scorned because i was not a star athlete.
When my older children were in elementary school, we ran into another winner who taught Grade 4. She lied. She manipulated. Things were never her fault. A few years later, I learned about what she had done to another student who transferred to another school in the area. That kid needed several years of counseling. The new counselor was in a probationary period and afraid for his job so he didn't make a big deal out of it, leaving it to the parents to bring the matter to higher authority, that is the school board. It never happened. I had another child following. We chose the other Grade 4 teacher for him. Unfortunately, she suffered from petite mal seizures.
We home school now. . .
The point: DOCUMENT everything. CC the School Board. Don't let your child be a victim of a goofy teacher because it has long lasting impact. Of course, hold your child accountable as well.
Comment By : mandy
* Dear Donna:
This is a frustrating situation. I would not simply focus on your son, rather, I would approach this with his teacher and the principal. Ask for a meeting with both of them and report how your son experiences this teaching technique. Ask them if there is a different method that can be used. Let your son know that you have met with the school staff and that everyone discussed ways to support him in his learning. Be sure to keep touching base with him to see how things are progressing at school.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
My son was part of a group invited to attend six flags because everyone in the group passed the AHGE. (10th grade) Students met in the lunchroom to 'choose which group of buddies he/she wanted to run around with} My son sat down with a group of guys he considered his friends. On the morning of the trip two of the boys from the group came up to him and told him that they decided he was not going to be in their group. They did not want him. He told me he was very angry and hurt,but went around and found another group to hang with. He does not want to tell me the details. He does not want to talk about it. I know the studnets. I WANT badly to speak with them. What do I do?
Comment By : hurtmom
* Dear Hurtmom: It is so difficult when we see our children hurt. I think it will make the situation much worse if you talk to the other boys. As James mentions in this article, it’s hard not to over-react to this kind of hurt that our children experience, but it’s best to let the kids work this out themselves. Perhaps your son will decide that these are not the friendships he wants to maintain after all. Focus on helping your son to have opportunities to do the things he enjoys. Friendships usually develop between kids who share common interests. Let your son know that you’re interested in how this is going, but don’t probe too much. You might say, “If you want to problem solve around this, I’d be glad to try to come up with some ideas with you.”
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
If you like "When Your Child Says, “I Don’t Fit In.”," you might like these related articles:
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