Q: When your child lies to you, it hurts. As parents, it makes us angry and we take it personally. We feel like we can never trust our child again. Why does lying cause such anger, pain and worry for parents?
James: Parents are understandably very afraid of their children getting hurt and getting into trouble, but they have very little protection against these things as they send their kids out into the world. Kids learn from other kids and from the media, and it makes parents feel unsafe because they can’t control the information and ideas that are being presented to their children.
Let’s face it. Information isn’t just available to our kids; it’s injected into them. Bad ideas are pushed down our kid’s throats by their peers, by some adults, by the media. It’s hard for a parent to keep control of their kids when this is happening, and protect them from their own harmful impulses and dangerous outside influences.
Your kid’s honesty becomes the connector between what’s happening to him on the outside world and what happens at home. You need him to tell you honestly what happened today, so that you can honestly decide if that’s best for him.
Don’t make it a moral issue. Make it a technical issue. The good kids are lying just like the bad kids. You broke the law. You broke the rules. These are your consequences.
You need to hear that information in order to decide if that’s going to help him meet his responsibilities now --and in the future. When parents don’t get the right information, they’re afraid they’ll make the wrong choices for their kids.
When your kid lies, you start to see him as “sneaky,” especially if he continues to lie to you. You feel that he’s going behind your back, that he’s undermining you. We begin to think that our kids are “bad.” We make the connection that if lying is bad, liars are bad. It’s just that simple.
Parents should hold their kids responsible for lying. But the mistake parents make is when they start to blame the kid for lying. It’s considered immoral to lie. But when you look at your kid like he’s a sneak and an operator who’s undermining your authority, it’s a slippery slope that starts with “You lie” and ends up at “You’re a bad person.” I think that perception of your kid promotes more lying. If your child thinks you think he’s “bad,” he’s going to hide the truth from you even more, because he doesn’t want be bad. Even though they are lying, kids don’t want to disappoint their parents.
Q: Let’s look at it from the child’s perspective. What’s going in on a child’s mind when they lie to their parents?
James: Say you’re driving on the interstate and the speed limit is 65 mph. You know that if you drive 65 mph on the interstate, that’s the slowest anyone drives, and people fly by you, honk at you and call you names. So you go 75 miles an hour…and a policeman stops you. He says, “Ms. Jones, how fast were you driving?” And most people say, “Sixty five.” Or, “I thought I was doing sixty five, officer, or maybe a little over sixty five.” Why are people dishonest like that? Because they understand that driving fast is forbidden. But they don’t understand that it’s hurtful. We understand that it’s wrong to drive that fast and there are consequences. But we don’t understand that it really hurts anybody and that it puts people at risk.
It’s the same with kids. They know lying is forbidden. But they don’t see it as hurtful. Not the way that parents see it as hurtful. So a kid will say, “I know it’s wrong that I ate a sugar snack when I’m not supposed to. But who does it hurt?” “I know it’s wrong that I traded my dried fruit for a Twinkie. But it doesn’t really hurt anybody. I can handle it. What’s the big deal?” That’s what the kid sees.
When they don’t see it as hurtful, there are two different value systems operating: the family’s value system that says this is forbidden and the kid’s value system that says if it’s not hurting anybody, what do you care? The kid rationalizes his actions and justifies his behavior with the idea that it doesn’t hurt anybody. The outcome is a dishonest situation. A lie.
When you get to adolescence, of course, the stakes get much higher. But the thinking remains the same. Kids smoke pot and drink and say, “Well it doesn’t hurt anybody. My friends smoke pot and it doesn’t hurt them. I know drinking’s wrong, but my parents drink and it doesn’t hurt them. I can handle it. I’m older than my parents think I am.” They know it’s forbidden. They either don’t see it as hurtful, or they rationalize the hurt away.
Q: So what’s the best way for parents to deal with lying, so that they don’t feel hurt and resentful about it and so that the child learns not to lie?
James: The first thing you have to do is be careful of is giving lies too much power. If you have a kid who’s angry at you or who feels frustrated and powerless, and if he thinks he can get power over you by telling you a lie, he’ll use dishonesty to get that power. He’ll withhold information and lie by omission when you’re trying to get the truth. He’ll give you little pieces of information, and that makes him feel powerful. It’s a trap for parents. Honesty is important, but if you communicate that too strongly to your children, they will use that to have power over you. You have to keep these things a certain size so that they’re not used against you.
The second thing to remember is that you have to understand the power of the culture that kids go into. It’s a very powerful culture that exerts a lot of pressure to “fit in.” They may feel guilty if they lie to their parents. But, again, they’re thinking, “This isn’t that hurtful, and my parents just don’t understand.” Of course, parents do understand. They’re frightened, and they should be.
So I think that parents have to assume that kids are going to tell them lies, because they’re immature and they don’t understand how hurtful these things are. They’re also drawn towards excitement, and their parents aren’t. It’s not like the good kids aren’t drawn to excitement and risk, and the bad kids are. It’s not that the good kids don’t lie and the bad kids do lie. They’re all drawn to excitement, and they’ll all have a tendency to distort the truth because they’re kids.
I think parents have to deal with lying the way a cop deals with speeding. If you’re going too fast, he gives you a ticket. He’s not interested in a lot of explanations from you. He’s just going to give you a consequence. Look at it the same way with your child. He didn’t tell the truth, whether the truth was distorted, omitted or withheld. There should simply be consequences for that. The first time you lie, you go to bed an hour early. The second time, you lose your phone. It should be something that the kid feels. You lose your phone for twenty four hours. You lose your phone for two days. You lose computer time or TV time.
The consequences have to make the child uncomfortable or they don’t change anything. The idea is that the next time he’s faced with telling you the truth or lying, he’ll recall how uncomfortable he was when he did the consequence for lying, and he’ll tell you the truth instead.
The consequence should be about the lying. If there’s a separate consequence for the incident, that should come down separately. If you come home later than your curfew and you tell me the truth, you may still lose going out Friday night, but you won’t lose your phone. If you lie to me, you lose both.
Parents should not get into the morality of it. Just be clear. Lying is wrong, it’s hurtful and, in our home, we tell the truth. But don’t make it a moral issue. Make it a technical issue. You broke the law. You broke the rules. These are your consequences.
When a cop writes me a ticket, he doesn’t follow me home or argue with me. He hands me my ticket and he drives away. Approach the consequences for lying the same way. Don’t argue about it or get into a big discussion. Discuss it in a structured way: “What were you trying to accomplish by doing that?” Not “Why did you lie? You know how much lying hurts me.” Just ask what he was trying to accomplish, then point out that lying is not the way to solve his problem. Compliance is the way to solve it. Talk about it after things have cooled down, not in the heat of the moment. Explain what will happen if he lies again. “If you lie to me about the dance, you're not going to the next dance and I’m taking your phone for twenty four hours.” Just keep it really simple.
This is SO timely. My granddaughter has been lying to her mother, her Aunt and me and I'm guessing others. This has really bothered all of us so I'm thankful to have this discussed with your suggestions. Thank you, Pam
Comment By : Pinkie
what if you threaten, but they don't care?
or you punish them, but they don't do what u say?
Comment By : sam
I have real issues with my 17 year old lying. The article had some great points for example - not making the lie a moral issue. We have tried the progressive discipline for lying - first the cell phone, then the computer, then the TV and none of these things were ever painful enough (she said) Same problem with skipping school - she soon figured out that getting one day of in-school suspension was an opportunity for her to catch up on homework and not an unpleasant discipline. Now, entering her senior year next month, we are still battling the lies and deviance. It's maddening.
Comment By : carrie
Good concepts. I think you clearly made the distinction between "understanding" a behavior as opposed to "excusing" a behavior. You can't blame a leaky tire for not holding air if you don't bother to address the hole in the first place.
Comment By : Siri56
my 4 yr old lies do kids at this age know the diffrence or do theyt even know what lying is???
Comment By : help
Very good and timely. However, besides the stories (lies) for the past 12 years of my son's 14 years he has a problem with stealing. He took things from a store when he was 7 yrs. old. I brought him to confession and also to my local police station. Now, at 14, I just found $240. hidden in his room. He said, he has been taking money from his Mom and I so he could buy a new paint ball gun. We are an afluent family and he gets a $20. a week allowance. He can also work at our family business for money, but he doesn't. Since this is not a single incedent and continous, what should I do? Our school counselor said he could counsel him, because something inside (problem) is affecting him to do this. Give me your ideas.
Comment By : tjarosky
my stepson has been lying to us for a couple of years now,he lies on other people to make his self look good or because he gets mad at them or because his friends dont like them,he just caused a big stink at his school about one of his teachers and it is mainley because his friend cant stand her,and he argues with me constantly, there is somedays that i am at my wits end,
Comment By : ladyhawk
My son(13) just recently took our credit cards and bought "gaming points" online. We saw very large charges and got an alert from the bank. The gaming site shut him down and he lied to us about the charges until we found another credit card a few days later with attempted charges (over 1000.00). He then told us that he had taken our credit cards and done this. We have restricted his use of the computer and any kind of gaming indefinitey. He was remorseful at first, but I do not know if I can ever trust him again. This is not the first time he lied, but this is the biggest.
Comment By : Frustratedmom
* Dear Frustrated Mom: It sounds to me like your son is out of control. He’s lying and stealing from you. Not only is he stealing, he's doing it in a very sophisticated way. His behavior is very brazen. First of all, you have to take steps to protect yourself. Putting a lock on your bedroom, having a small safe, and locking things in your car are all ways to protect yourself from this type of threat. I strongly suggest that you call the police and press charges against him, and hold him accountable legally as well as in your home.
Comment By : James Lehman, MSW
I guess it all depends on weather you want your kids to be motivated from the inside, or the outside.
Comment By : Angela Goff
Wow, i have a 7 year old little girl who lies and knows that it is wrongly morally. I feel frustrated but am being told she will grow out of it, all kids go thru that phase. I am wondering if I am being overly concerned. Taking away the TV isn't punishment to her, she just picks up her coloring books or draws instead. I am trying to understand what consequence is appropriate for her age group
Comment By : miami
I'm so glad I'm not alone here. My son turns 11 tomorrow. For the last couple of months he has been lying frequently and in the last week he tells a lie every five seconds! James is quite correct in saying "Don't make it a moral issue". The angrier I get, the more my son lies. I read this article in desperation and I realise my mistakes. Albeit with good intentions, I've made my son afraid to tell the truth.
Comment By : SINGLE MOM STILL LEARNING THE ROPES
I have a daughter that is 11 and she tells tall tales. example they were studing Valley Forge in school and she told them a story that went something like this...I had heard that the soldiers were so cold, frost bitten and starving that they would break their toes off and eat them. Is this considered lying? or should she become a story teller? When I asked her about this she told me that she wanted everyone to like her and find her interesting. Her much older 1/2brother used to tell them bed time stories that were very outlandish and she loved him so she was just trying to be like him. This is just one of many stories should I be concerned?
Comment By : story telling mom
My son is now 17 and has been conviently lying for many years. The problem is that he lies so well that he can convince us that he didn't do it. Although it is very unlikely that anyone else did it, he puts the question in our minds.
Comment By : Barb
I have an 11 year old daughter whose been lying a lot lately. Her first lie was a beginning of school. She had told me the school changed her class schedule, when in fact they didn't and I called up to the school b/c she wanted it changed "back" but they never changed it and made me feel like a fool. Then she lied about it, first saying her friend told her that her schedule changed, then it was the office lady that told her, so finally after more in -depth conversation she came clean. Her punishment for lying was she was grounded from the computer, TV and games. Ok then the next day after school she walked up to a different school, then missed the bus, and lied why she missed the bus. The next day after I told her NOT to walk up to that school again, she did it once more... this time she was grounded from her cell phone, going anywhere, and TV, Comp, Etc. ok well after 1 week I gave her TV back, still no cell or comp. After 2 weeks got cell back. AND I just found out that she'd been on the computer several times and she lied about that... it’s “myspace” she said her friend got on it for her, what am I to do???? Punishing her doesn’t seem to work!
Comment By : Frustrated Mother in OK
My family has been fractured by my 7 year old nephew telling hurtful lies, specifically, he repeatedly tells his Grandmother that his father calls her "a witch" ..My mom (grandma) bought into his story hook line and sinker and refuses to participate in family functions though she will not tell my brother why she cut off family time..she only told me (sister) then forbade me to share the information with my brother. I of course told my brother what his adopted son, my adorabe nephew was doing..and we are absolutely flabbergasted as to how to handle this situation.. Nephew has grandma all to himself and continues to tell her that she is being called a witch..HELP PLEASE I can't stand it, what should we do?
Comment By : blugirraffe
I still remember when my son was aghast at finding out his older friend was stealing from his sister and Mom. We confronted them, kindly, and they refuted the fact. So much for that. Yet, I let my son know the importance of what he had told me and we acted on our feelings.
Now, I see my son losing his sense of consciousness and conscience. He has begun reading Robert D. Hare's amazing book: " Without Conscience". A testament to the time spent with his father; that allowed me to get him out of my head,system and life. Of course, my son sees this book as so very exciting. Drama. A game.
I love it when you put forth the genius analogy of simply being no less or more than "a cop". Like you said, no officer pulls an offender over for speeding, hands out a ticket and starts to argue ... Exactly! No discussion. Accountability. Makes perfect sense.
Yet, it is not working .. I have tried to take something away. Doesn't work. My son will persist. I am a single Mom. Police have told me "corporal punishment" is a solution that they agree with. to a certain extent ( no kidding! ), and other far from kind actions have been suggested.
We live in a small space. My son is well fed and all his basic needs are very well afforded. He knows he is the center of my universe and I would never send him away ( even though ...), and he is quite sure he is fine and mighty, from the perch where he so safely sits.
Often, my son is a dream come true. Yet, his attitude is getting worse and worse. I employed a counsellor who is a protege of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, whom suggests, as everyone else: "more structure" in the form of school, and activities such as soccer, etc. Still ...
My son has stolen the keys and dropped them in the river. Stolen money for years. My bank card, 2 or 3 times, to no avail. Now, he is trying to get into my paypal account. I hide my monies, deposit dollars, sleep beside my backpack where my cheque book, etc is tucked inside. He knows I don't trust him. I tell him " you must earn back my trust. I once gave it freely. I will again, once ...".
Usually, I keep the focus elsewhere, or I would go mad with concern, worry and fears. For the present and his future. Not to mention, my sanity.
Thanks for your wonderful forum.
Can't wait to order your cd's.
Please feel free to offer me any sage advice, right now. My son left the house at close to 10 am and often he does not return for 12 hrs or more. When I have talked on too long, scolded or attempted to make him accountable, it just seems to me, that it warrants, on his behalf, more absurd reasoning to act out, again. After absurd promises, he does it, the next day.
Now, he is making himself sick, with running around outside in winter, with no jacket - often and not bringing any of the food or water needed. He's weakened and apologetic. I make him strong again and the circle ensues ...
Devoted and so very tired,
Katherine
Comment By : Katherine
My daughter is going on 15 next month, she is so socialible at school, so much that some of her classes she is not turning in her work. We had a talk about that, how her not doing so is affecting her previledges at home or with friends. She lies every now and then, when she gets caught, she is very sneaky and plays dumb when you confront her...now I just found out she skipped school on the 9th and was late that Monday coming in at 9:40am. I confronted her and she gave me a lie after calling the school. So now I am going to deal with the situation when I get home today...and I did not use it as a moral issue, told her she hurts me and everyone else when she lies, and affects her previledges. But here we go again, she is lying to me...I am hurt and angry.
Comment By : angrymom
I found out two days ago that my 8 year old girl tells lies. What's more shocking to me was that she made up stories, events and charaters that do not exist. Now I am thinking back, in her lies, she even made up the sequence who said what and with what kind of facial expression, etc. The lies could begin with a conversation we had 8 months ago and she would continue to provide me with an update from time to time. She has been doing good in school and has been a very obedient and charming child. She always gets the attention for her good accomplishment and maybe this where the problem starts. She wants to be able to keep the attention? In addition to finding out what possible cause behind this behavior, what guidance should I proceed with my child? I was looking for articles on this website related to the subject about "making things up" unfortunately it is not listed. I guess lie is lie... Any suggestion from any of you is greatly appreicated........
Comment By : purple
I believe that others have this same situation that I am about to speak about. Parents that have shared custody....just recently as November, my son was given temporary custody of his 10 yr old son, who has since turned 11 in January. He was awarded to his father due to abuse situations in the home. With this behavior comes a number of issues...falling behind in school, lack of hygiene, totally unmovitated, moving so slow that it makes you wonder if his blood is even pumping through his veins, lying, and the list goes on. It is almost like getting a child that has been raised by wolves. So now the process begins here with catching up in school and he is sooooo far behind but we are working hard and it is paying off. His attitude is self explanatory, that his frustration is in not knowing what he should know and that he has never been helped at all. But the lying comes from his mother, who encourages him to lie to his father and then tells him if she gets in trouble, that he will be ressponsible because he told the truth. What do you do with a parent like this that is disregarding any ground we might have made with him by these tactics. He is torn between doing what she wants and says to do and what his dad says is right and he must do. I am the grandmother and tutor him after school each day and we have the strongest connection. I have received your program last Friday, and am just getting into it, but this sight is wonderful. The answers are here that we have been looking for....even though we have had him in counseling, these questions are right on target. If you have any suggestions on how to deal with adults and their parenting skills...please let me know before I use my own devices. I want this child raised in the loving environment he deserves and needs and without issue of pulling his heart pulled apart by choosing sides and not having the emtional skills to discern who he should listen to. He knows right from wrong, but he is strugling as it involves his parents.
Comment By : honey
My 17 (18 in less than a month) is lying, spending time with someone we don't approve of, smoking pot and cigarettes, sneaking out. She went to a therapist a few months ago, things seemed better, and it is starting again. She has stated that she wants to stop lying but is frustrated with our not allowing her to see this guy, trying to stop her from smoking pot and cigarettes, etc. Sometimes we seem to have great conversations about this and find ways to change behavior but then I find out she's been with this guy, has gotten high, lied about how she spent her time, etc. She gets great grades in school, is a star at her part time job but is just getting in riskier and riskier behavior. She gets grounded, she pays for her cell phone, doesn't seem to mind having computer/tv time taken away. Any suggestions?
Comment By : dmag47
My 14 year old son lies to us all the time by conviently telling us he "forgets". He lies to us about little things like brushing his teeth, taking a shower after football workout, and things we tell him. We try to make his punishment fit the crime. We have grounded him from the computer, the video games, etc. We have even taken away his Ipod touch. My husband (who has an anger management issue problem) threatened to break his IPod touch the next time he lied. He lied this morning and I saved the IPod. I refused to let him break the IPod touch my son purchased hisself. I grounded him from his I-Touch for months. It was a very heated arguement this morning but I'm at a loss at what to do with the whole situation. Both me and my husband grew up in abusive homes (his was physically/mentally abusive and mine was emotionally/mentally abusive). We try not to repeat the abuse but this morning it was close to having my childhood memories repeated of my things being destroyed because my mother was trying to punish me. I just couldn't let it happen. I don't know what to do anymore with my son's lies and my husband's handling of the situation. Please help.
Comment By : UpsetMom
* Dear UpsetMom:
I am sorry to hear how tense this situation has become for you. It’s great that you recognize when something is a punishment. Punishments do not cause behaviors to change. Punishments cause resentment but not remorse. Consequences, with a learning component built into them in the way that James Lehman lays out in Total Transformation Program require kids to practice a new behavior—not just do without a privilege. What is important in your situation is to separate the lie from the behavior the child was lying about. They are two different things. James Lehman recommends that the lying itself be handled separately from the behavior. Kids lie to solve a problem—to solve the problem of getting in trouble. Have a simple consequence for choosing to lie about your responsibilities then have a separate consequence for the behavior the child was lying about. For example, you lose your IPOD for the next 2 hours for lying. In addition to that, you will not get it back after those two hours unless you have taken your shower. Long, extended punishments that don’t require your child to practice any skills or to accomplish any goals will not help your child learn to be responsible and accountable. Remember, it is not necessary to name a consequence in the heat of the moment. When we’re particularly angry at our kid’s behaviors, we should disconnect, clear our heads and settle our emotions. You could say, “We’ll talk about this later” as you walk away for a break. I hope some of these ideas will help you. Good luck and keep in touch with us.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Many times my son will lie, and insist that he is not lying. At the time, I know he is lying, he knows he is, but he still insists that he is innocent, that he is the victim. How do I deal with this?
Comment By : mom of teen
I am confused about what to do if I "know" my 15 year old is lying but cannot "prove" it, like when he insists he did a homework assignment or a project for school and the teacher says that he did not hand anything in. He claims that he did it & left it for the teacher on her desk, or in her mailbox, etc. I don't believe him, and then he feels betrayed by his parent.
Comment By : Beth
Beth. We had the same issue with our 15yr old not doing schoolwork. The person on the Parental Hotline suggested we have the teachers email us each Friday with any unfinished work for the week. If there is any, his weekend does not begin until he completes it.It's good to get the specifics of the assignments from he teachers so you can can be assured his done it.
Comment By : Charlie
My 14 year old daughter has been lying and stealing from me and her great grandmother for the last year now. She is so verbally abusive towards me. I am to the point that I do not believe anything she says because when I catch her in a lie that I can prove she just says "that is not right and you are just stupid" She is verbally and physically abusive towards me. She has been in therapy and it worked at first I thought but she was playing the therapist and after several months she was worse than when she started. She threatens to lie to get me put in jail if I do not do what she wants. I am at the end of my rope and do not know what to do.
Comment By : Becky
* Dear Becky:
I’m sorry to hear you’re in such a tough situation. I’m sure you want to ‘Assume Control’ in your home, just as James Lehman says: Assuming control, stating the limits or house rules, then disconnecting from your daughter to prevent power struggles and arguments and implementing a consequence for her choices if necessary. When a child tries to use blackmail, such as calling the police and lying about you, you must ignore that threat and not re-negotiate your house rules. State that, “Threatening to call the police will not solve the problem.” You also mention that your daughter is physically and verbally abusive toward you. Part of assuming control in your home is establishing an environment where there is ‘No Excuse for Abuse’, as James would say. If your daughter is using physical and verbal intimidation to gain power over you, you have to take away that power by not tolerating these behaviors. She needs problem-solving skills so that she has alternative ways of dealing with situations and feelings. If you feel you cannot manage the violence or stealing in your home, James recommends that you call the police when crimes of property destruction and violence are committed. Services outside your home, such as the police, therapy or social services may be needed if your child has reached a stage where they use intimidation to gain power over you. If your child will not respond to your authority, it’s necessary to seek a more powerful authority outside your home. You might try family therapy next time so that you are actively involved in her treatment. There is always hope, even in the most difficult of situations. Sometimes it requires some difficult decisions on our part to move our child in the direction we know they need to go.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I have a triple threat. A 16 y/o Stepdaughter and 14 and 12 y/o sons. They all have been lying. The youngest is the only one that will come clean when asked. The 16 y/o has lied to the extent of wrecking a car and making up an elaborate story. Good investigative work by me and her mom found out the real story. The 14 y/o constantly lies about his schoolwork/homework. Any consequences we impose on him seem to don't phase him. We follow up on all stories these kids tell and have went as far as calling up everyone involved. We, as parents, are at wits end. Help!
Comment By : David
* Dear David:
As James Lehman says, “Kids lie to solve a problem.” “I didn’t get my homework done, so in order to not get into trouble, I’ll just lie about it.” Frequently, it doesn’t even have that much forethought. It's a knee jerk reaction to getting out of an unpleasant moment. James recommends a standard, separate consequence for lying, to treat it as a ‘technical’ issue, as he states in this article, then put your real problem solving focus on the behavior your child lied about. Using homework as an example, set-up a specific time of day when your child has to do homework. Even if he tells you he has none, it’s still school work time—he can review or study ahead. You can tell him you will consider changing this when there is an improvement in his homework getting turned in on time. Again, this is putting most of your attention toward the behavior he lied about and not the fact that he lied. This sounds tough, but remember not to take it personally and to stay consistent with the message that lying doesn’t solve your problem and only leads to additional consequences. Consider calling the trained specialists on the support line for more discussion on how to use the techniques in the Total Transformation Program. Good luck to you! Let us know how it is going.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
