Does Your Child Say This? "I hate you."
Of all the weapons in your child’s arsenal, the words “I hate you” can have the power to reduce any parent to tears or anger. Children know that saying this can paralyze a parent during a fight, which is why they use this tactic to get what they want. In this month’s issue, James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, demonstrates how to focus the argument back on the issue at hand, and reduce the emotional sting of your child’s words in the process.
“I hate you!”
Translation: You won’t let me go out tonight, so I’m going to talk hatefully to you so you’ll get upset and give in.
Ineffective parenting response: “I hate you sometimes, too!”
Effective parenting response: “Maybe sometimes you do hate me. But I’m still not letting you go out tonight.”
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Actually, I meant to press 4 stars. I appreciate these one-liners; they remind me who is the adult and who is in charge. And it shows kindness in not retaliating (like the Ineffective Parenting response)
Comment By : momofmany
I used to use these words, but I found it still gave my daughter too much power to even say I hate you because the words were upsetting me inside. So, I've told her she can be angry, but she cannot say I hate you any longer .... it's disrespectful and I won't allow it.
Comment By : lin
when my son said that to me I just responded with: thats ok I love you anyway. He soon stoped
Comment By : what when?
I used hear this one ALL the time from my 15yr. old daughter. It used to really bother me and I'd become uset. I still hear it once in a while, but now I don't let it bother me. I will either say something like "thank you" or "well, sometimes I don't much like your behavior either". Either one usually works to defuse the situation, and she may still walk away mad and mumble something like "stop it", or "be quiet". But, she has came back to me after she has calmed down and apologised; to my amazement! She has ADHD, ODD and a few other dx's.
Comment By : Shel
my 16 year son has never said he hates me. Its never that nice! I just look at him (up to him. he is 6'2 and I am 5'7 and say "don't push me" I have made those three words stick. I don't use them frequently but when I do he knows I mean it and he's not doing what he wants to do.
Comment By : MAP
I GIVE 4 STARS. THIS INFO HELPS MY CONVERSATIONS WITH MY 14YR OLD- NOT - TURN INTO A SHOUTING MATCH
Comment By : LISA
I have an 8 y/o son who has some serious anger issues. He is verbally abusive. He has just started using this one. At first I reacted emotionally [who doesn't?]. Lately I have been responding with "Then I am doing my job". Kinda messes with his head.
Comment By : mjkmj
I have had this one since my son was about three, that's right just a baby at three telling me he hates me, he continues and now has taught it to his three year old brother, as he is now five. I have never given it much attention, assuming it was an attention getter, but it still continues.
Comment By : Andee
what do u do when a child says he hates u when there is no actual reason...just says it out of the blue
Comment By : sweetdarlingca
