This is good advice, but I would love to have read more. You don't hear too much on step-parenting, so let's hear more on the subject.

 

Well what if I am living in His (14 yr old's) Mothers House? Than what should My responce be? Espec if Mom says He should not listen to Me.

 

Would like to hear more. I'm an adoptive parent and I am their mom. They are still young (6 and 2) but I may have to deal with this in the future. Please write more on this.

 

what if the bio-father encourages disrespecting our rules when the teens come to our house to see their bio-mom? it hurts her so much to not see them yet asking them to respect our rules doesn't seem to hold much weight.

 

My son is 16 year old and live with real deaf mother and hearing step father. My son said to everybody that parent's rules are stupid!

 

I found it effective to say this: "This is my house and these are my rules. Other houses have other rules. Other places have other rules. My rules operate here." In response to "Your rules are stupid," I have said, "They may be. But they are the rules of this house."

 

I would love to see more about this. I've postponed remarrying becasue I'm afraid the conflict between kids and step father would cause such turmoil. He says he needs to be in charge, I agree, but the reality is my 18 year old son will really push the limits and I worry about how it will effect the marriage. I do think having set rules prior to him moving in will help, and maybe the two of them agreeign in advance, when everything is going well, what those basic rules are and what the consequences will be. But when it comes time to adhere to the consequenes,I guess I'm afraid of my son's reaction to another man, not his father, setting those limits, and if he's the right person to be doing it after all this time and the age of my son. Should I be the one to always follow through with the stepfather supporting me, therby eliminating the power play? Or should he be allowed to follow through and is that better?

 

I am an adoptive mother and my daughter said that to me many many times. I just say that I am sorry that you feel that way but I am your mother and I consider you my daughter no matter what. It was mostly said from the age of 14 to 16. She is now 17 and has since stopped saying that. I guess she has matured in her thinking. To anyone, just hang in there and never give up on your child no matter what even though it hurts they do love you deep down inside.

 

I have a son, and my husband has a son. Most conflicts are between us, as my husband does not see the conflicts among the boys on the same playing field. For example, if his son retailiates to a push, or comment from my son, it is self defense. If however, the reverse happens, my son is overeacting, or seeking revenge....I would like to see more on blended families.

 

Let the child know that by saying "Your not my parent I don't have to listen to you" translates into - "I'm mad, I disagree, I won't help you figure out what's wrong or how to fix it" and so until he/she can assist in working things out the right way they are stuck with the same rules and same consequences. If we do not teach the children how to effectively speak up by just dismissing their viewpoints from a power position when their angry - we contribute to the rebellious nature of poor conflict resolution habits. (AKA: screw you) Instead we as parents have to remember each moment in parenting is an opportunity to teach. So another way to work the scenario is: "Your not my parent......" and the teacher/parent says "what I hear is - I'm mad, I disagree, I won't help ...fix this..." the child tries to engage in a power struggle argument and the same response - we can discuss this for real when your ready. When ready means tempers have cooled - the child can be told what the safety, responsibility, reason for the future skill that the limit or direction was put in place. Also don't forget to mention that things are only "stupid" when they do not suit us :) they are always perfectly fine when they do - and smile a warm knowing smile not a sarcastic smirk. Children know and understand when a parent is truly in the moment and teaching - they are the ones learning impulse control and self modulation - not us - the parent is the model and teacher (fallable yes) if we are not congruent with our children we invite them to treat us with disrespect. I am the mother of three (one step-son now married with five grandkids) and a 20 year-old who asks "how come you still love me after how I was when I was a teenager?" and finally, the 15 y/o with autism and mental health issues "mom, I love you" (normally after a fussin and apologies are finished) I do enjoy raising my kids because I think it is a facinating task trying to explain the complex world that surrounds them. The double standards are the most difficult and we all discuss them for hours not always seeing eye to eye but they know they have opinions and I do mine..... They're a great bunch of kiddos :) MW

 

I would like to hear more on step parenting. I have a blended family and the oldest is just 11 but I know what's around the corner. Her step father takes everything personally and he fights with her over little things. I feel he holds her to a different standard than his own children who are half mine biologically and because he pays the bills. The funny thing is she truly loves him. I second guess myself though and worry because she is the oldest and will go through everything first.

 

 

In my house I saet the rules. I do not care what the relations is to me. Rules are rules and in my house I am the rule maker.If you can not abide by them (do not come in my house).