Parenting Mistakes I Have Made (And Why Natural Consequences are the Key to Changing Your Child’s Behavior)
Posted By: Kemuel Ronis
Category: Consequences
Comments: 12
I’ve had a lot of experience as a parent. In fact, you could say I’ve seen it all. I’ve been in a marriage where I had to be both mom and dad, I’ve been a single parent, a stay at home parent, a stepparent, a co-parent in a terrific marriage, and finally a parent who is learning how to step out of that role since my kids are 23, 25 and 26.
I know I made plenty of mistakes, but the problem is that often by the time you truly learn how to do a parenting thing well, it no longer applies because your son or daughter has passed that stage in their development — and as the parent, you now have to learn to deal with something else!
Here’s a good example. One of the things that used to drive me nuts was getting the kids on time to the dinner table. I would get very upset about this because I would spend time and energy preparing a nice home cooked meal. My repeated shouts for the kids to come down from their rooms would be in vain. Meanwhile, the food would be getting cold and I would be getting hot under the collar!
My wife Linda finally got it through my thick head to let the natural consequence of having to eat cold food or warm it up themselves be the lesson for not coming down when called.
With teenagers it is useful to ask yourself this question: Whose problem is this? Eating cold food was not my problem. The great thing about natural consequences is that they teach a direct lesson much more effectively than a parental lecture. If I forget to pay a bill on time there is a late fee. If losing the money is important to me, than I will make darn sure that I pay my bills on time.
Now, if someone else were to pay my late fees, then I would have no urgency about paying my bills on time. In the same way, it is far better for kids to develop independent habits as teenagers than to struggle with more serious consequences as young adults.
So here it is-my best advice for parents:
* Love your kids with all your heart
* Provide strict structure and discipline (I use the word strict because by today’s standards strict has de-evolved into reasonable rather than the excessive permissiveness that permeates our society.)
* Give them as much affection and time as you can
For parents of teen-agers, I’d like to say this: you will survive the teenage years — and the other side can really be wonderful as your kids take on their own independent lives. (We can all drink to that!)
Empowering Parents welcomes Kemuel Ronis to our Parent Blogger team! Read the complete bios of all our contributors and parent bloggers here. If you’d like to blog for EP, please contact us at editor@empoweringparents.com!
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August 4th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Kemuel, Welcome to the EP Parent Blogger Team! I love how you and your wife used natural consequences at dinner time — very wise. Also, the question, “Whose problem is this?” is an excellent one to ask, especially with older kids. Looking to hearing more from you in the EP blog!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Great advice. Now the only issue is working out what to do when the natural consquences can be dangerous.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
My daughter Lindsy is overwelmed with her 2 year old boy, Logan and 9 month old girl, Alexis. The older one, is clinging and overbearing. She can not find time to do anything for herself…
August 13th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Great advice! A number of years ago, I attended a parenting workshop on Natural Consequences, based on the books by Dr. Anthony Wolf. Natural consequences work wonders!
August 13th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Proofreader,
You are absolutely correct! Also what constitutes dangerous consequences changes as your children grow up. (Running out into the street/drinking and driving)
jmsmzrz,
Your daughter is going to have to set some strict guidelines for her 9 year old. Being loving to ones children often involves saying no. Lindsey has to make it clear that she has responsibilities above and beyond her daughter’s moment by moment needs- A nine year old has enough knowledge to understand explanations and rules.
Shacmeyer,
Thanks for the tip!
Whenever possible, natural consequences are the best course of action and effective because that is how the real world works-
August 16th, 2009 at 8:25 am
I did not know my daughter had ADHD until she was 15. The schools did not help me. I saw her grades dropping and her personality changing, so I took matters into my own hands. Since she was angry and down on herself since her schoolwork became poor (she did well until the work got so challenging that it was noticeable) I sent away for TT. I was absolutley desperate. I got started late, about 16 1/2. Now, she just turned 18 in July and will begin college Sept. 1st. We still have our moments but she knows what’s up if she its, throws household items, breaks things, she even punched holes in three doors. She didn’t like her curfew. Some friends had no curfew, others had strict ones. We fell in the middle. Her whole life she had everything she wanted, my husband doted on her and spent money on every toy she asked for. She began to run the whole household and we realized we had created a monster by never saying “no” and never forcing her to do chores when she complained. She had no consequences as a little girl, so no surprise that she grew up to be the type of teen she is/was. Things are better now, but I don’t live with rose colored glasses on. We have had to call the police, take care keys away, and leave cold food on the table. All of those things. Believe me, I never thought I would live through using the tools but they do work. I am glad I caught this on time and heard James on the radio before I was taken to a hospital. Natural consequences are getting D’s and F’s for not doing homework, not getting into first choice of college, police pulling you over if speeding ,losing license. Friends dropping you for lying about staying at their homes when you were not there. Begin the process, and natural consequences of society will do the rest Begin when they are little. I wish I had these tools a long time ago, but it’s never too late.
August 16th, 2009 at 8:34 am
One more thing….they will rebel agains the rules you set down especially if you have not done it before. I took every suggestion that James made, from shutting off the cell phone, to actually unplugging the computer keyboard, and leaving her clothesbasket out on the sidewalk on a cold night. It nearly killed me to do this, but I believed in James who talked about the consequence menu. I told my husband to take her out in the car and not come home until she was agreeable about how to live here. It was freezing cold that night, he took her to my mother in law’s. Her house is a disaster to live in. So….that worked for a while. She tried again,and every time I would tell her to find her own place to live. She did not want to get kicked out and would back down. Calling the police is a life saver if you have to do it…that’s what we pay taxes for. Spending a night in jail is not appealing to them. They realize what they have at home is pretty good. Have a backbone….it’s hard but is effective. I slapped her once at 15 and my husband slapped her once at 16. They should not learn that violence is the only way……it did make an impression on her but the tools were better. My husband thought TT was mean and abusive……now he sure likes the peace and quiet. Please spend the money. It is worth it.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
I understand and agree entirely on consequences…but my question is at what point do you let them entirely responsible for the consequences? My daughter is 12 years old and was injured in a gymnastics accident…told by the dr. that she has to be off for 3 mos. and he’ll then re-assess her. She is adamant that she wants to do it after the dr. gives her the clearance…but as a parent, I’m scared to death to let her go back out there. I don’t feel that she can make such a decision at her age that, if it happened again, could mean a wheelchair for the rest of her life. My husband feels we shouldn’t hold her back from it if she is released by the doctors to do it again. Any insight would be appreciated.
October 7th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Carold: You ask a really terrific question regarding parental authority. James Lehman talks about the three important parenting roles: Problem-Solving Role, Training and Coaching Role, and Limit-Setting Role. Kids need us to set limits on their behaviors because they do not have a good capacity to evaluate risk and do not have the life experience that you, the parents do. James recognizes that it can be difficult to maintain parental authority around teens because part of their developmental process is to become more independent of their parents. Despite that independent need, teens still need their parents to maintain appropriate authority in the home. In this case, you have your daughter’s input here but the final decision should be made by the parents. It sounds like you have some time to talk to your husband while your daughter heals. You might tell your daughter that, “I know you would like a decision right now, however, your father and I are still thinking about this. I know it’s hard, but please try and be a little patient.”
December 28th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
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