Is Yelling the New Spanking?
Posted By: Elisabeth Wilkins, EP Editor
Category: Parenting Skills, Yelling
Comments: 12
I’ll admit it — I yell at my son more than I’d like. Take yesterday, for example. We were on our way out the door (it always seems to happen when we’re in a hurry) trying to make it to Alex’s first Parent-Teacher conference of the year. Getting out of the house is challenging for us, but it all started out well, with me laying down the ground rules: “OK, I need your cooperation so we’re not late today.” This swiftly devolved into shouting at the top of my lungs, “Come on! I said we needed to hurry. I’m starting to get angry now!” In fact, I went from the Calm Mother voice to the Crazed Mother voice in, oh, about 30 seconds.
Ugh. I’m not proud of it, and I always feel bad afterward. I apologized to my son on the way to school, and said (again) “I’ll try harder not to yell.” But boy, that trying harder thing is really…hard!!
As it so happens, an article came out in the New York Times on this very subject this week. In the article, it’s pointed out that while many people don’t spank anymore, they have taken up yelling as a substitute. Not surprisingly, this is not good. As James Lehman once told me, “If yelling worked, I’d just sit your child down in my office and yell at him for an hour and then he’d behave appropriately.” Of course he’s right — it doesn’t work, and it just makes your child tune you out eventually — but when your child pushes the exact button that makes you lose it, it’s hard to remember to keep calm! For me, that trigger is trying to get out the door and be on time. For my husband Joe, it’s meal time. Joe comes from a big Italian family, where sitting down to eat is nearly a sacred act. Meal time is fun, but his cardinal rule is that everyone has to “respect the food.” (If you’ve ever eaten with a young child, you know that respecting food isn’t always on their agenda.)
OK, here’s the deal: in my heart of hearts, I know there are more effective ways to parent than to yell. So today, I sat down and came up with a new game plan. I hope these ideas might be helpful for other parents out there, too!
Know your Temper Trigger: Is it being late, homework time, right after school? In our case, I think by preparing ahead a little more, I can probably avoid losing my temper by having everything ready before we head out the door.
Leave the Room: When you’re feeling like you’re about to yell, take a deep breath and leave the room if necessary. This one really does work if you can remember to do it!
Talk in a Soft Voice: I just got this one from my son. He said, and I quote, “When you’re about to talk in the big-mean-voice, just talk in a nice-soft-normal voice.” Easier said than done, but I have noticed that sometimes when you use whispering instead of yelling, you get more attention from your kids! (And you feel better afterward, too.)
Think about How You Want Your Child to Remember You: OK, this is a hard one. I did some soul-searching on this and realized that I really don’t want my son to remember me as a crazed mother who was always yelling and rushing him from place to place. This will probably take a superhuman effort on my part, but I think I can do it. I’m going to keep in mind how I want our departures and transitions to go, and try to live up to that image. No more frantic struggling to get out the door — I want to be relaxed and in control. (Yeah, right! But as my mom always says, it never hurts to try.)
Wish me luck — and I’ll let you know how it goes!
Are you a yeller? Do you have any advice on how to stop yelling? Please leave your comments here.
12 Responses
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October 24th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
while i believe yelling has it’s strategic time and place, i can wholeheartedly agree with what you’ve said. the discussion i always have with my girlfriend concerning her kids continually reaffirms what i know and what i’ve been telling her. de facto,talking to kids of relatively any age is akin to talking to a wall: stone isn’t flammable so unless you have the option of jumping over a wall,tunneling under it or just going around or walking away,you either need to weather it down with water or burst through with something harder. yelling does intimidate but is ignored when overused. with my voice,i can outshout any child of any age but it’s about when such a tactic is employed. i’ve seen and experienced good parenting from many people plus i’m a teacher. my girlfriend lacks a firm set of parenting skills though she is a good parent. she yells at the girls as a last resort which she arrives at quite quickly. she feels she hits them to much when in fact she doesn’t do it enough or in the proper fashion and to the right degree. she doubts herself too much and it shows. she’d rather stay in because she feels embarassed when they act up in public. i try to reinforce her without overstepping my bounds. i’ve seen the lack in consistency and the repeated yielding of battles. there are other factors that have weathered her effectiveness as a parent but i continue to tell her that if she feels for them as deeply as she says and as i believe,then perseverance and consistency will be the words of every day until the grave. only difference between a good parent and a good teacher(these days anyway!)is teachers don’t dish out physical punishments. we raise these kids too so devotion,perseverance and consistency is requirements.
October 24th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
pardon that grammatical error. i couldn’t see what i was typing.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Yes I too am pulled into a yelling match with my 5 year old son. He knows just how to trigger my button all too well. I am aware of it and am working to stop walk away and take a deep breath. He has in an emtional meltdown when he does not get his way. He doesn’t let up and keeps on for 30 min to hour until he gets his way or gives up for the time being then the next morning or after school starts again on the same thing. It can even be days so yes I get into the yelling trap myself even with advance prep it still happens. I can’t always walk away with time issues so I have started getting in the car and crank up to leave he magically pulls himself together and gets in I ddo not engage him in converation about the same subject. I say nothing im some cases and others I talk about anything else. Later somes times the next day even I address the meltdown and exlpain that it is not hte way to get what he wants and sometimes things won’t be how he wants them.
I see no end he is so head strong. Best of luck with yours.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I have the same issues determinedmom does. My 3-year-old is incredibly headstrong and knows just how to push my buttons. My temper trigger is when they don’t help clean up their mess, or even just bring their plate in from the table. I’ve tried just telling them WHY they need to do this (there are three of them, and I don’t have time nor the desire to spend my day cleaning up after everyone) and two will help, but the 3-year-old will defiantly refuse. And…I’ve got nothing. I take away privileges, and he doesn’t care. We have a “button jar” and he doesn’t care if he loses a button. And so I yell…and that doesn’t do anything either, except I guess let me let some steam off.
Right now I’m really really trying to reward the positive behavior (I’m embarrassed to say I got this idea after reading an article about The Dog Whisperer), but what do I do about the negative stuff? Ignore it?
October 27th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I TRY MY VERY BEST NOT TO BREAK MY PROMISES TO MY 6 YRS OLD SON. WHAT HAS HELPED ME A LOT IS TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM AND PROMISE IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. SO, WHENEVER I FELL LIKE YELLING, MY PROMISE STOPS ME FROM DOING IT.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
*sigh* My name is Susan, and I’m a yeller. (blush) I, too, have a “bellowing button” that my children seem to have learned almost before they could speak. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I typically have the following approach when I want my son(s) to do something (or NOT do something, as the case may be): I’m nice, I’m nice, I’m nice … then I’m NOT (nice). The “NOT” part usually involves progressively raising my voice or just out-and-out bellowing. And I absolutely HATE it. I hate the look on their face(s) when I lose my cool, and I hate how I feel about myself after it happens. I usually apologize for it, but it doesn’t really take away the guilt that I feel for not being a better example for my children.
I had never considered “yelling as the new spanking” but given that physical punishment of any kind is deeply frowned upon (hello, Child Protective Services?), it seems like our options for dealing OUR frustration with our kids — no matter what the cause — have become somewhat limited, particularly in the heat of the moment. The fact that most parents are overstressed, overworked (if you’re lucky enough to have a job), and underappreciated doesn’t help our ability to deal constructively and calmly with our kids, either. *SIGH*
I wish that I had some suggestions, Elisabeth, but alas — I am in the same predicament that you are. I do appreciate your ideas for dealing with the yelling, though! Keep me posted on how your plans progress …
October 28th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I guess we’re all in the same boat here! I will say that in some cases, I think raising your voice *can* be OK — it lets your kids know you mean business. (I do this when my son is riding his bike and isn’t watching for cars, for example.) I think what bothers me is when I am out of control and have lost my temper, and then yell. Not cool.
Julie, I’m wondering what would happen if you try some kind of chart with your 3 year old? (I was also thinking of making one for myself — Mom gets a star when she doesn’t yell. I’ll bet my son would looooove that. Probably not going to do that one!)
Pete: I think it’s good that you care so much about your girlfriend and her kids. I truly believe there are much more effective ways to parent than to spank or yell. It’s just learning those techniques and then applying them that can be tricky at times. But I think the key is to take baby steps: start with one small thing and work your way up from there.
Determinedmom: I like the idea of going to the car and cranking up to leave. It sends a signal to your son — and it sounds like it’s working. Way to avoid the power struggle, and good for you!
Bospina: You are a better parent than I am! I actually haven’t promised my son that I will stop yelling — I just tell him I’ll try harder. I try to point out that he yells sometimes, too, when he’s angry. I tell him that it’s not the best way to solve the problem, but it happens. And then I suck it up and try again the next day.
Susan: I’m with you on the Bellowing Button. Love that image! I also do the “nice, nice, nice — not nice” thing. LOL. I think giving a warning can be a good thing sometimes. Like saying, “I’m about to get mad and start yelling, but I don’t want to do that. I need you to cooperate now.” I have to say, I’ve been doing that lately, and it works! (And I feel better afterward than if I had actually lost it and yelled.)
October 28th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
First off, everyone needs to give themselves a pat on the back for caring enough about our kids to even be engaging in this conversation. We are all looking for ways to be better parents, so kudos to us! Everyone yells. I am a psychologist and I yell from time to time. (My husband, an engineer, yells more).
One thing to keep in mind is being consistent with your kids when you want them to do something. If chores are the problem state what needs to get done (”You need to empty the dishwasher and make your bed before you go outside”). Set the timer. (”You have 15 minutes to get your chores done”). If the timer goes off and the chores are not done there is no play-date (or video, computer, cell phone, etc.) You are taking the responsibility of getting chores done off of you and putting it on to them. There is no yelling because, as I always say to my kids, “I really don’t care if you don’t have a play date today honey. This is your own choice here”. Do not allow yourself to be pulled into their tantrums.
If your kids know that there will be a consequence each time they choose to not listen to you they will be more likely to listen to you. It won’t work every time, but try it and see what happens.
As for yelling when the kids are fighting (which is my weakness), again, tell them if the fighting does not stop in the next 10 seconds they are going to have a serious consequence (no video games for 3 days, cell phones gone for the rest of the week, extra chores, etc.) Kids need you to stay calm when they are fighting. I like the idea of leaving the room to cool down. I tell my kids they can fight in the garage or the basement and that almost immediately stops them.
As for those parents who wrote in about their headstrong kids, bless you, for I have one as well. If you allow yourself to get in a yelling/tug-of-war with a 3 or 5 year old, you will lose. My son and I are carbon copies of one another and he has always tried to get into fights with me. One line I consistently use is: “Honey, I love you too much to fight with you about this. If you can’t stop you need to go up to your room and sit by yourself because I am done now.” If you let your child get his way each time you get in a yelling match, he knows he has won and you will have lost not only that day, but for each day after because he is now controlling you. Setting firm boundaries and limits is the only way to go.
Also, a strong-willed child needs choices. If your 3-year old won’t clear his plate, tell him before dinner, “You can clear your plate, the butter dish, the place mats or the salt and pepper shaker. Which is it?” I know how chaotic it can be to take the time to do this when you have multiple kids (I do too!) but trust me, the time you put in now to help your strong-willed child become more cooperative so you don’t yell will pay off in the long run.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
OK, my three kids are all teenagers, and I still have this problem. However recently I have been working on a new approach and finding actual successes. I read David Emerald’s book, The Power of TED* (*the empowerment dynamic) that suggests we come to situations from two different orientations. One is the victim orientation, or problem-based approach, which engages others in victim, persecutor and rescuer roles. Imagine me with, as Elisabeth puts it, my “Temper Trigger” at full throttle. “You are making me late for work again!” Here I am both a victim and persecutor. Yikes! It has never worked for us; it sets a terrible tone in the house as everyone cues off of Mom’s bad mood. My new approach gets us out the door close to on-time, I feel much better about the parent I am offering my kids and we all start the day with a better tone.
My new approach is that of a creator orientation. Emerald’s book describes the roles of creator, challenger and coach. These three outcome-oriented roles keep the focus on the possible, positive outcomes to the situation at hand.
No, I am not Snow White singing the kids through their chores and tasks; I am a not-so-perfect mother, trying to present a positive role model for my kids. We are all learning. I am trying to learn the power of a more thoughtful “soft voice” and the benefits of thinking twice as fast as I speak.
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:04 pm
[...] How Your Child May Be Using it Against You”, and EP Editor Elisabeth Wilkins’ blog, “Is Yelling the New Spanking?” both hit home. I’m ashamed, but I must admit: My fiancé and I occasionally roar at each other [...]
December 3rd, 2009 at 7:14 pm
[...] How Your Child May Be Using it Against You”, and EP Editor Elisabeth Wilkins’ blog, “Is Yelling the New Spanking?” both hit home. I’m ashamed, but I must admit: My fiancé and I occasionally roar at each other [...]
January 5th, 2010 at 10:28 am
i really like the timer idea for the chores…i may utilize that for other things too. i have a 14 year old adopted son who brought home 3 F’s after spending weeks telling me that he was doing well (i had bought a new desktop and my login information was on the old one, so i didn’t follow up like i should have). Anyway, long story short…i yelled, but not in that disturb the neighbors kind of voice, but more of the shocked and pissed off that he had lied for 3 weeks voice (believe me, there’s a difference). What I am quickly finding out with my hormone filled teen is that any yelling sets him off. He basically flew into a 3 hour rage that resulted in me calling the police. He of course blamed me because I yelled at him, completely neglecting to recognize his part in the situation of bringing home 3 F’s and lying about his grades. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me…he says that I yell all of the time but I can go through each and every instance where i ask him nicely, in a calm and consistent voice, at least 3 to 4 times to do something and he blows me off…at that point the volume does start to go up and the yelling starts.
Any help or advice would really be appreciated!