To parent means to sacrifice. Well before your children are born the sacrifices begin. You suffer through morning sickness, backaches, discomfort, and weight gain. Your child arrives and your life changes. You’re up all night with a crying infant or later, a sick child. You miss work when your kids are sick, you go without so they can have the things they need and want. Maybe you’ve even given up some personal goals or dreams to give more time to your children. It hurts you to see your child unhappy or unwell…and yet he has the nerve to scream at you. He gets angry and he yells, “I hate you, mom! I wish you were dead! You’re the worst mom ever!” Perhaps your teen even goes on to say, “I can’t wait to get the f--- out of this house! I hate it here!”

When your kids start to talk back, you might as well welcome them to adolescence. Back talk, however disrespectful and obnoxious it is in the moment, is your child’s way of learning how to assert herself. As every parent of a teen knows, adolescents often aren’t thinking things through; they’re just learning how to stand up for themselves, and most of the time they’re not going to do it very well. Your job is to help your child change rude behavior by teaching her how to state her viewpoint in a more respectful and appropriate way. This doesn’t mean she’ll always get her way—but she’ll eventually learn to voice her opinions without being disrespectful.

Editor’s note: At the beginning of the year, we asked you, our readers, to send us real questions specific to your family’s situation. Our first article inour newseries, Real Questions from Real Parents, deals with something most parents can relate to: backtalk, name-calling and disrespect. All questions are answered by a member of our Parental Support Line team; each one a professional who specializes in coaching parents on techniques from The Total Transformation Program.

Are you tired of disrespectful talk from your kids? Do your children respond with eye-rolling and sarcasm to everything you say? Most—if not all—kids go through phases when they are sassy, mouthy, or disrespectful. As a parent, it’s hard to know when to let it slide—and when to address the problem. James Lehman explains where to draw the line—and tells you how you can manage sassy talk in your home.

If your child tells you to shut up, the best thing to do is not give it power. By arguing, talking and fighting back, you’re giving it power. Instead, the next time it happens, try saying, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it,” and turn around and leave the room. When things have calmed down, tell your child what the consequence is for his or her rude behavior.

With a new school year starting, many parents find themselves gearing up for another round of bad attitudes and power struggles with their kids. Teens and pre-teens especially seem to have an “I don’t care,” or “Why bother?” attitude about school, homework and their other responsibilities, whether it be chores around the house or a part-time job. Do you find yourself asking your teen, “How will you ever make it in life if you don’t take these things seriously now?”

As a parent, sometimes it seems like your day is filled with an endless stream of backtalk from your kids—you hear it when you ask them to do chores, when you tell them it’s time to stop watching TV, and when you lay down rules they don’t like. It’s one of the most frustrating and exhausting things that we deal with when we raise our kids.

Kids generally say “whatever” to their parents when they’ve already lost the argument. It’s a final attempt to push the parent’s button and to get back at you in some small way for something that your child doesn’t like.

Of all the weapons in your child’s arsenal, the words “I hate you” can have the power to reduce any parent to tears or anger. Children know that saying this can paralyze a parent during a fight, which is why they use this tactic to get what they want.

When kids act out, they have an arsenal of comments they fire at you in order to put you on the defensive—a secret language that’s designed to win them control and absolve them of responsibility. If you take those comments at face value—or take them to heart—you’ll always be on the defensive, constantly reacting to a child who’s out of control.