Does Your Child Say This? "I'll do it later."
When kids act out, they aren’t always confrontational. One way children get around the rules of the household is to procrastinate and put parents off until they eventually stop asking kids to help out. While many parents rationalize, “It’s easier if I just do it myself,” what you need to understand is that you are setting your child up to have a false sense of entitlement later on in life, a belief that “the world owes them something.” Here, James Lehman gives parents some effective responses in the face of your child’s passive resistance.
“I’ll do it later.”
Translation: If I put it off long enough, you’ll give up and I won’t have to do it. You’ll probably even do it for me.
Ineffective parenting response: “Ok, but make sure you get it done.”
Effective parenting response: “Well, that’s fine. But you won’t get your allowance until it’s done.” Or, “Well, that’s fine, but you can’t use the phone until it’s done.”
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a good approach I think
Comment By : jplman
I totally understand cause my oldest does that to me but she has a cell phone she can have taken away.That really gets her when I do that. She stomps off mad as a wet hen,but she gets it done.
Comment By : dee
My son and I are currently in a stalemate but I know that I have the strength to outlast him. He has to make amends to his sister by doing her chores this week and has refused to do them or his own chores. I accidently came into possession of his cell phone and have told him that he will not get it back until he has done all the chores he missed this week. He has been ranting and raving for the past 2 days demanding the phone and threatening to call the police on me for stealing it. I just chuckle to myself ( THANKS to the training I have received thus far from this program) and restate to him that if he wants his phone returned he must do the chores. This morning he did some of the garbage but not all. I will hold out as long as it takes. It feels good not to be upset and arguing with him. I feel so much more in control.Thank you TT.
Comment By : Linda B
Right on--I feel like one of the most important responsibilities of parenting is teaching kids to be aware of consequences -- helping them be able to cope (even avoid) negative consequences. So, clean your room and then you can talk on the phone. I feel this translates to real life -- if I perform well at work I am rewarded...why not let kids learn this now.
Comment By : mother of 4
My child out right refuses to help with anything around the house. When I tell her to wash the dishes or pick up the house, she says no. I have taken away going to friends house, them coming to our house, house phone, hand held game. Her response to all of this is one I'm ruining her life, second is to go to her room and stay the entire time I'm home. Help!
Comment By : byoung
excellent comments. I let my older one back me into a corner but the youngest one will not have that opportunity thanks to these comments
Comment By : out of patience mom
Total Transformation has been helpful to me. I also read everything else I can get my hands on, because my daughter is very strong-willed. If I stopped with the consequences in the article, nothing would change, because in her mind, the pain of compliance is worse than the pain of discipline. I have to remove every pleasurable activity I can remember seeing her do before she feels it. My daughter has to lose access to ALL electricity (batteries included) and all aspects of a social life. Then, she sees that she "has no life" and starts to comply and practice some life skills.
Comment By : artistmom
For the mom of the outright refuses youth - byoung -
Can you ask this:"Will you please let me know when the ain't gonna do's are over?" "I will be busy.....and may not notice when it is time to give back your privileges, thanks" Then check the calendar the day you say this. Go about your business as usual and when the 'revolt' is over count the days and simply say "ok I handled your responsibilities for x number of days during your decision to not - so you will get your privileges back after the same number of days and will keep them until you no longer tend to your responsibilities. Then we will continue to repeat this until you understand that these are YOUR responsibilites and with responsibilities comes privileges and vice versa. Then just keep doing this - at first the time will seem long and 'noisy' but track it and you will be able to see the length shorten and the comments subside THAT's when you know the child is understanding the connection between the two are finally meeting up. The first time seems like an endless self punishing nightmare - but after the first success it will become a new way of living - in peace and with responsibilities :) :)
Comment By : JW
My 14 yr old loves that line. Problem with mine is he isn't materialistic so taking things away, ain't cutting it. On top of that taking away his social life only pisses him off & then he is a real pain to live with. Plus he stil will not do the task...ever. After about 2 weeks of this "non-abusive" yet annoying behavior his father ends up caving & letting him go somewhere. I could just kick him when he does that. Anyone got any ideas?
Comment By : David's Mommy
