Eye rolling is one thing but what they start laughing at you while you are directing them on their misbehavior. Whta do you do then?
Comment By : cm, Virginia Beach
Great article. We give our kids so much power by allowing these kinds of things to get to us and we feel like we'd lose face or authority if we didn't address it. It's nice to know we can just let it go, let it slide right off and walk away, maybe with a small grin to let them know their tactic didn't work. It's about picking your battles, and this says to me this isn't one that needs fighting. yay! :-)
Comment By : Wendy
Boy does my 16 year old daughter do the eye rolling thing.
And...you are so right, if you ignore it, it bothers her even more.
She knows that those kind of behaviors do nothing to upset me. But...believe me, it took me about 18 months to learn to ignore those kinds of actions. Remember, that is not the issue or the important thing.
Comment By : Carol
I have to confess, when my daughter was around 15, we got into some arguments, and we both ended up rolling our eyes. When she told me how it made her feel when I rolled my eyes (disrespected, minimized, etc.), we made a vow to erase the eye-rolling from our disagreements. If one of us caught the other rolling her eyes, we would point it out and, after apologizing, would proceeded to complete the "discussion" in a more respectful manner. It has changed how I communicate with my children, and I'm grateful I'm not perpetuating the bad habit. I'm glad she pointed it out to me.
Comment By : Cheri
Great comment from Cheri! We as parents get so wrapped up in how our kids are treating us with disrpespect that we forget that we have to show them respect too. Set an example. (That doesn't mean that you let them get away with stuff, but you treat them like you want to be treated-with consideration, thoughtfulness, kindness.)
Comment By : Diana
Great comment from Cheri! We as parents get so wrapped up in how our kids are treating us with disrpespect that we forget that we have to show them respect too. Set an example. (That doesn't mean that you let them get away with stuff, but you treat them like you want to be treated-with consideration, thoughtfulness, kindness.)
Comment By : Diana
I do ignore the eye rolling and it's not too bad but every once in awhile she starts up again and sometimes it's hard not to say anything! But you're right, ignoring it does make it go away (for awhile anyway)!
Comment By : Monica in Virginia
Eye rolling ,etc. are not just teenage behaviors. My 9 yr. old (almost 10), 4th grader is quite good at this. I will try to ignore this, and look forward to learning how to deal with the other issues.
Comment By : b.r. ky
I have got students doing the eye rolling tactic during classes. I just ignore them and continue to teach. Now they ar better, still not perfect but have stopped their eye rolling tactic!
Comment By : catherine
its funny, before reading this article I had an eye rolling incident. she did crawl under my skin. I wish I would have read this before because I would have ignored her.
Comment By : dad
when my girls eyeroll i wanted to .......! but then i realized lets see how serious it is. is it a sign of disobedience? so now when they do that i ask them is this are u having a seisure? no? ok moving along.... and make my point!
Comment By : gigi
We're all human and it does take a little awareness to realize, that for every eye roll from my daughter, I probably also do something unconsciously that is similarly annoying to her...and it usually happens when I react to the eye roll. As a parent, I realize this is not an "arms race" and every action doesn't call for a reaction...a deep breath (privately) usually can suffice.
Comment By : LI Dad
* To CM in Virginia Beach: The thing is, both eye rolling and smirking and laughing are in the same family of tactic's kids use to turn the tables on you and engage you in a power struggle. The less power you give the laugh, the better. I'm not trying to minimize how frustrating it can be but,believe me, the less power you give it, the quicker it will go away.
I'm not sure what the actual incident was, but there are certain things you can do if the laughing crosses the line of disrespect. First, if the laughter is loud or obnoxious, walk away. When things quiet down, calmly explain to the child that laughing in your face will be considered disrespectful and will automatically lead to 2 hours loss of phone time, followed by a brief discussion of what she'll do differently next time she feels disrespectful. Then walk away. When she laughs again, cut off communication and take the phone for 2 hours. Walk away. Don't argue, fight or justify your reasoning. Just
do it. Don't process why she was disrespectful later, just what she plans to do differently. This would not be appropriate for eye-rolling or other passive reactions. And remember, they move out eventually.
Comment By : James Lehman, MSW
the eyerolling is very annoying and it does stop if you ignore it most of the time. But I can say the backtalking is the worst.That you really can't ignore. It drives me nuts.
Comment By : litpeanut
i agree with litpeanut - eyerolling you can learn to ignore but the back talk or the flippant remarks and whining that typically follow a request from myself or my husband, that drives me crazy! I have two teenage girls (16 and 14) and seriously, hope that I can make it through the next few years. My 16 yr old is getting better, so I hope that's the end of it for her. Oh yeah, I have a 3 yr old too - so *#*%#*% ... i;ve got to go through it again in ten more years!
Comment By : Nicole, Canada
My daugher is 11 and tells me that her friends practice eye rolling and they tell her she is not good at it, so she is practicing on me. I told her she does a great job of eye rolling every time she does it, so I can go from "tight" to "light." (it does annoy me slightly, but I am sort of amused too) It's good to know that ignoring it helps it to go away.
Comment By : terithomps
I like gigi response to the eye rolling! I think that would have the child thinking instead of rolling the eyes but it brings attention to the fact that you've noticed them. What will be next? Back talking! We have to stop that right away, but what's the best way????
Comment By : mom of teen
IT SEEMS I COULD COMMENT ON EVERY TOPIC - EVERY NEWSLETTER! HA! AT LEAST I'M NOT ALONE. PEANUT & NICOLE I CANT STAND THE "MOUTH" EITHER. REALLY THE EYEBALL ROLL DROVE ME CRAZY 2 YRS. AGO. MY DAUGHTER IS 14 1/2 (DONT FORGET THE HALF) I'VE MOVED FORWARD A LITTLE BUT I DO THINK IT'S DISRESPECTFUL FOR ANY FACIAL EXPRESSION DIRECTED TOWARD AN ADULT. I HAVE BEEN THRU JAMES' CDS & THEY HAVE HELPED ME & MY HUSBAND GO THRU SOME DIFFICULT TIMES. WE'VE DONE EVERYTHING FROM THE ONE HOUR PUNISHMENT TO THE "REST OF YOUR LIFE" RESTRICTION. SOMETIMES WE LOOK BACK & LAUGH & I THINK GOSH I SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER. MY DAUGHTER WILL TELL ME "I CANT WAIT TILL I TURN 18" AND I GIVE MY OWN MOM A CALL & APOLIGIZE FOR BEING SUCH A BRAT! SHE SAID DONT WORRY LISA, I COULDNT WAIT FOR YOU TO TURN 18 EITHER. HA !!
Comment By : LISAV!
What did all of us parents do about the back talking? We all need answers to that question.
I have enjoyed reading all the articles and have learned a whole lot to help me with my parenting skills.
Comment By : Penne
Ignoring the eye rolling is great, but what does it teach your child about the disrespectful behavior? I would be horrified if my child did the eye rolling towards another adult. I believe that it is every parents' responsibility to stop unwanted and disrespectful behavior in the home if they do not want their children to display these same behaviors in public. How do you suggest dealing with that issue?
Comment By : armymom
This stuff is great!!! Furthermore I feel relieved to see many others go through the same thing as I do. As many others have said ignoring is the best. What is annoying for me is raising her voice even if I am trying to say something in a calm way. How do you address that?
Comment By : Eve
The article and comments are helpful. My daughter had begun eye-rolling before she really learned to talk, so I can (usually) visit it with humor or ignore it. I do share armymom's concern, however, on this and other issues. If I let her "get by" with such disrespectful behavior (eye-rolling, not looking at the adult when she doesn't like the content of conversation, etc.), isn't she learning that it is OK to act that way with other authority figures?
Comment By : Dorothy
I can say with assurance that mimicking her behaviour doesn't work...
Comment By : jeanjie
Never arguing, fighting, or justifying our actions as parents takes extreme self control. However, our example of walking away from a fight is actually what more of our children and our society need to see. Good comments and article.
Comment By : jg
I agree the eyerolling is annoying and the times I have acknowledged it only led us off track. However, the back talk is a whole other issue. I see other parents have that concern and I would like to share my experience. My now 15 year old used to back talk often, raise her voice and talk to me (not so much my husband) as her equal. Our therapist recommended I ignore it similar to the eye rolling and she will stop. Well in 9 out of 10 kids that may happen but with her she raised the stakes and became horribly abusive. I am embarrassed to repeat the things she has said to me and called me. It wasn't until I got the Total Transformation tapes that I finally got the courage (yes courage) to address it. I would say 'Don't talk to me that way, I don't like it.' It sounded stupid and often she would say she didn't care or ask what I was going to do about it but I ignored those things and left the ball in her court. Quickly she stopped doing and saying these things and now, only occasionally does she slip back into it. That was the biggest problem in this house and altho we still have many issues to overcome I feel better knowing tha we have addressed the biggest disrespectful act of all.
Comment By : bischmd
Great article and great comments! I like the "Are you having a seizure?" comment. Humor always seems to help stressful situations. Picking battles is so important-it cuts down on frustration and stress.
Comment By : ojulieo!
I can't believe that anyone would even been offended by eye rolling to such a degree that you read/write articles about it. It seemed so ridiculous that I just had to see for myself. My kids roll their eyes at me, but you got to realise they do it to anyone even each other. I just see that my kids disapprove whatever they're refering to, not much more.
Instead of "dealing with it" or "fighting over it" I just acepted that this facial expression, is just a modern way of communication amongst young people. The only one making a BIG deal of it; is you guys and maybe you need to grow up more than your teen(s).
On the other hand, back talk is anyoing. But I believe a young person coming up to the 18 years mark should be able make their own descions in behaviour and attitude. Talking back sometimes is the only way a young person has to fight back against our unreasonable arguements and conditions. Talking back ain't always so black and white as people make it out to be, teen moods has something to do with it. But we are parents; not local law enforcement, although our care and love still resides.
Comment By : Kay
Generally I just refused to talk to my kids when they were disrespectful verbally. I never said much about the eye rolling, because it was kind of a joke in our house. Everybody except my husband rolled our eyes a lot. Generally over his inane jokes. When my daughter got verbally abusive after getting 'no' at WalMart, I grounded her for two weeks, saying "no" to everything she wanted. Yes, everything, from 'will you fix pancakes' to 'will fix my hair'. Everything. I had no problem with her not taking no for an answer for about 5 years. At 17, she did it again, and all I had to do was remind her about the two weeks of no answering everything, and that was the end of the mouthing.
Comment By : sandi
Most everyone who’s ever been a teenager learns at some point how to irritate their parents to distraction. From eye-rolling to back-talking, teens have a seemingly endless supply of habits that push their parents' buttons. Recently, Empowering Parents asked our readers what the most annoying teen behaviors were, and the answers came pouring in from frustrated parents all over North America. Here, James Lehman, MSW helps you deal with eye-rolling, number 7 on the EP list of “Top Annoying Teen Behaviors.”
