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Eye rolling, curses, insults, backtalk, name-calling, ignored requests, snide comments: disrespect from your child or teen comes in many different forms.
If you’re struggling with disrespectful behavior from your kids, you’re not alone: this is one of the biggest topics of conversation between parents and our online parent coaches.
The truth is, disrespectful behavior is one of the inappropriate ways kids, especially teenagers, try to solve their problems. Kids can feel powerless in the face of rules and expectations, and talking back and showing disrespect is one way they try to take some power back. If they can drag you into an argument, that’s even better: now you’re arguing about respect instead of focusing on their curfew or their homework!
“You can’t demand respect, but you can require that your child acts respectfully, no matter how they feel about the situation.”
The reasons behind disrespectful behavior include the perfectly normal and healthy process of your child growing up and away from his identity as a younger child. Teens naturally seek more independence as they get older, and mild disrespect is one way that independence gets expressed.
But as James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation® program writes: “While it’s important to allow for the natural breaking away process that comes during the teen years, parents also have to be sure to identify and challenge any truly disrespectful child behavior that is hurtful, rude, or demeaning to others.”
Related content: Disrespectful Child Behavior: Where to Draw the Line
So while it may be healthy and normal in some cases, disrespectful behavior isn’t something you want to let go unchecked. Indeed, ignoring it completely can cause disrespectful behavior to escalate.
What else increases disrespectful behavior in teens?
Here are five almost guaranteed ways you can unknowingly encourage disrespectful behavior in your child – and what you can do instead:
Pretty much every teenager pokes relentlessly at their parents, expressing their frustrations in various ways. Eye rolling, scoffing, smirking – those are all tools in the teenage arsenal that convey their disregard. And as we all know, those mild, irritating behaviors can get under your skin. Kids are looking for those weak spots, those places where they can drag you into defending yourself or your rules.
If you take it personally, it’s going to be hard to respond effectively. If you react to every single one of those behaviors, you’re not likely to see any change in your child. While these things are annoying, they aren’t necessarily something to correct.
James Lehman talks about ignoring the little disrespectful things your child does – especially if she’s otherwise complying with your rules. The kid who mutters under her breath as she stomps off to do as she’s told is behaving like a typical, normal kid. It’s when your kid treats people badly while refusing to comply with expectations that you need to jump in and correct the behavior. (Our articles about disrespectful child behavior go into this in more detail.)
Decide which behaviors you’re going to focus on, and which you can ignore. Remember that those mildly irritating behaviors aren’t about you, they’re simply an expression of frustration. Your role is to deal with your child or teen’s behavior as objectively as possible.
It doesn’t mean you won’t be irritated. Just find ways to handle that emotion away from interactions with your child, if possible. Let it go, and stay focused on the topic at hand.
Life is stressful sometimes: bosses are challenging, neighbors get too loud, family members can be irritating. As a parent, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to show your kids how you manage your behavior when you’re annoyed or upset. Kids “watch us for a living,” as the Lehmans say. If you talk badly about others or treat other people with disrespect, don’t be surprised if your child follows suit.
Parents have to role model better behavior for their kids. Remember, they’re watching you, even if they don’t seem like they care what you do. If you value respect, model respectful behavior. Do your best to show them the way it should be done.
Wait, what? What does taking your child’s side have to do with disrespectful behavior?
Let’s say your child complains about how much homework he has, calling the teacher names and generally being disrespectful toward her. You might agree that this particular teacher does give too much homework.
If you take your child’s side in this case, you might say you agree that you think the teacher is stupid, and that she’s doing a terrible job. You agree that your child doesn’t have to do all that homework because clearly, the teacher is wrong.
When you side with your child, in effect joining them in disrespectful behavior, you’re showing them that you don’t have to be respectful to someone you disagree with. The message your child hears is: if you think someone is wrong, then you have a right to be rude.
The truth is, neither you nor your child has to agree with someone to treat them respectfully. Even if you think the teacher (or the coach, or the boss, etc.) is wrong, let your child know that regardless of how they feel, they still need to find a way to act appropriately.
One benefit of this approach is that your child will most likely encounter plenty of people in his adult life he disagrees with. Help him learn the skills he needs to handle those disagreements calmly and appropriately.
Maybe you’re thinking, “Look, my kid is constantly disrespectful. I have to stay on him if I want things to change.” So you correct and redirect every chance you get. Sometimes your child does manage to get it right, but the bad times far outweigh any progress.
Kids are just like adults: constant correction breeds resentment. If you’re always calling your child on his poor choices, he might decide there’s just no way he can win. If you never acknowledge the times he manages to control his behavior, he may just stop trying.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but relentless attention to failure, with no acknowledgment of even small success, can increase your child’s disrespectful behavior.
Kids respond well to praise. Not only does it feel good to be praised, but it also gives your child important feedback: acknowledging good behavior reinforces those skills.
If you notice your child doing something well, you might say:
“When you went to your room instead of calling your sister names, that was great. I know you’ve been working on controlling your temper when you’re annoyed. I appreciate it.”
“I am your parent and you have to respect me!” Does that sound familiar? A lot of parents in our online parent coaching program ask, “How can I get my child to respect me?”
The truth is, many kids don’t automatically respect their parents. Indeed, it’s pretty normal that your teen thinks they know far more than you do; that’s one of the pitfalls of adolescence. Pretty much every teen thinks they’re smarter and more in tune than their parents.
So here’s the thing: you can’t make someone respect you. Respect is a feeling, and you can’t force feelings on someone. Trying to force your child to respect you just isn’t going to work.
But if you can’t demand their respect, how can you possibly stop them from acting so badly? The answer lies in addressing their behavior, rather than their feelings – even their feelings about you.
You can’t demand respect, but you can require that your child acts respectfully, no matter how they feel about the situation.
One great way to do this is to use one of James and Janet Lehman’s suggestions: when your child is behaving disrespectfully, you can tell him:
“You don’t have to like the rule, but you do have to comply with it. Just because you’re irritated doesn’t mean you get to call me names.”
Remember, stay focused on the behavior, and leave the feelings alone. The irony is that, in the long run, your child will respect you more if you remain calm and enforce your rules consistently.
If you see yourself in any of these examples above, please don’t worry. Recognizing an ineffective way of dealing with disrespect is a great step. As you become more aware of the things that don’t work, you’ll be better able to take consistent, effective action to turn the situation around. It will take time and practice, but you can help your child learn to behave in more respectful ways.
*These tips apply to mild to moderate disrespect from your child. If the behavior you’re seeing is more extreme than that, please be sure to reach out for more support. Remember, “There’s no excuse for abuse.” Too many parents have gone through the same challenges for you to feel alone. We’re always here to help.
Related Content:
“I Hate You, Mom! I Wish You Were Dead!” — When Kids Say Hurtful Things
Disrespectful Kids and Teens: 5 Rules to Help You Handle Their Behavior
Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com, where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.
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My daughter's story is a combination of couple of letters above, just that the background is different. Raised by my parents in other city while I managed to keep myself upright from an abusive and narcissist husband. Since Covid, I am staying with my parents and daughter.
Today she is 16+, once very sweet and intelligent girl now is disrespectful - utters disgusting slang, name calling without remorse to me, grandmother. No discipline or boundaries - she sometimes get up as late as 2pm...extremely defiant....You cant tell her anything, she will start yelling and abusing....And even Violent. Apart from causing severe injuries couple of times mostly to me as I oppose her nonsense behavior and punches, slaps, twisting wrist/arm few times, she will keep pinching, poking, scratching, pushing all times to show any emotion - rage, frustration, disappointment, and even affection. She expects everything at home should be around her (I blame my parents for this)...right from getting up in the morning, to make her take shower, to do minimal or work like putting the used towel or clothes or making the bed is an endless struggle....she uses the phone only to chat, secretive with boys, she stopped studying in between. I keep reading a lot of articles and somehow managed to get her phone so she can study for the exams. Making her study is also a mentally challenging affair....she wont agree to sit, keep watching tv, when she sits she will keep saying it wont work, then me or her grandmother have to sit in front of her, a normal reaction from us like moving this side or that side or even looking over, she will feel intimidated and stop studying and then she will start blaming me, then she will force me out of the room, after sometime she will force me to come and sit again and the cycle goes on....then finally she will end up sleeping or watching tv....
When I am working from home, she will demand all this and I lose patience.
There is not much room for me to talk to her, no conversation can ever happen ....after 1-2 sentences it will be like a blame game, yelling and all....
After any abuse physical, verbal that she does she expects that we still behave very nice to her and give in to her needs.
My parents still give in to her needs while I try to restrain...I make sure when I encounter such a behavior, I convey that is not right. Consequence is something doesn't work for her and my parents wont allow/abide.
My parents demeaned my parenting style and made her "I first" in the house. She thinks the best piece of food should go to her, if she likes she can have all.
Telling lie is very common. She has stolen good amount of money from home.
We have a conservative background and from asia, hence her demand of going out alone etc not much entertained which is a norm in our society. She knows the basic rules because she is very judgemental when anyone else breaks those social rules, but when she is raged she is a different person ...she wont refrain from hitting anyone.
Because of this daily torture entire family is affected, we cant do anything cant even look at our financials properly as it is all the time a continuous struggle. If not anything she will create big tantrum for food, she want gourmet food at her disposal all the time....again my parents give in....they just want to make sure somehow she is calm....
I have put her to counseling, very small change happened but loo less compared to the money that is being spent for counseling.
I feel all the years that I have earned even after a going through a painful life (my arm was broken by my husband), is going just like that to my daughter with no possible help,or empathy from her...
yes I am tired, exhausted...I cry most days and could not sleep at night....
I have an 18yr old daughter who drives me to despair, I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. Anything I ask is 'mind your own business', she swears at me, is disrespectful and blames me for all her troubles. She has few, if any, friends, calls her brother and Dad abusive if they stand up to her and I'm constantly called Narcissistic if I stand by my rules.
She does not want anyone near her, cannot even sit in same room as her without her kicking off, so I often leave her alone as she can become quite aggressive. She has stolen, lied, disappears some evening and comes back early hours etc, no idea who with or what she's been doing. I often feel like a prisoner in my own home and walking on eggshells around her.
She is impossible to reason with and only able to see things her way or no way. If I do try, she will throw anything bad that's happened in her life at me and blame me for it all.
She used to be such a sweet girl and now no one wants to be near her anymore as she's so difficult. Like others here, I am at my wits end. Relatives tell me to kick her out, but she has hardly any friends, no money and I do not what to see her living on the streets where worse things could happen. It has caused a huge strain on my personal relationship and impacted on my son, who now does not leave his room when home for fear of coming into contact with her, he tells me he cannot stand her and will not go anywhere she is.
Last year we had social services involved as she'd been getting into some bad stuff at 17, we didn't know about, and they contacted us to support her which did help, however, once she turned 18 it stops and she she soon went backwards again. I am tired and exhausted by it all.
I'm not sure where I went wrong with my kids. I have three kids. My oldest (now 18) son, I had to put in prison 5 years ago for reasons you really don't want to know. He doesn't get out until he's 25. My now 13 year old son and 9 year old daughter were both directly affected by this. Lets just call it abuse from my oldest and continue on. Since then, it's been a downhill spiral with my kids. My son is a teenager and very very smart. Ego a mile wide (genius level intellect) but has no self confidence or self worth. Suicidal at times and I can't figure out why. Scroll down to Jason's story for the rest of his basic behavior. My daughter went from being my sweet little girl to be a manipulative, destructive, pain in my a$$. She steals and lies about it, breaks stuff, and has gotten really good at hiding it. Like my wife and I don't find about it for weeks, and we are both on edge all the time.
I'm a military vet (retired) with ptsd and massive anxiety problems. So I tend to overcompensate and be TOO lax about things because high stress gives me panic attacks. My wife was raised by a very abusive mom. She was emancipated at 13 and has been on her own till she met me at 19. So my wife tries very very hard to "not be like her mother".
Sorry, I realize I'm dumping a lot here, but I have never talked about this before in this kind of forum.
I'm at my wits end with these kids. I question whether either of us are even fit parents. We try to teach them balance and give little wisdom nuggets from past experience, but they only seem to focus on the bad stuff.
Any input would be helpful.
Wow, this is genuinely so cathartic and helpful to read. I typed in 'I don't like my son he is rude and insulting and unhelpful' into Google and found this. It is a relief to know other people are having the same experience as I am.
My 13 year old son is so exhausting to be parent, so insulting and ungrateful and disrespectful, that I often don't enjoy being around him. I am a solo dad, and have him for 12 nights of the fortnight. It's a relief when he goes back to his mums and honestly, sometimes I'd prefer he didn't return. He makes no effort at school, especially since the COVID lockdowns. He just games all day. I still work out of the home, so I can't supervise him. But even at school, he still makes zero effort.
He doesn't want to do anything to help around the home, and seems to see it as an injustice that he should have to- do the dishes for example, or go to bed by a certain time, or do anything other than what he wants to do.
I can say, he does have a good side, and he can be really sweet. I do love him and want the best for him. But his nasty rude egotistical side takes over a LOT of the time.
I really feel like I don't like him sometimes. Quite often.
I was actually in tears that other day, locking myself in my room and calling the parents help line. I nearly called the police or adolescent psych unit.
What have I done wrong? I think maybe I was too soft on him and perhaps didn't have strong enough boundaries when he was younger.
It is so hard being a parent, especially solo parent. I have really really tried to give him my best and to be the best dad I can. It utterly drains me. But then it's like he has no appreciation at all, and no respect.
I am definitely thinking once he finishes school or university, I am going to ask him to leave home.
Not just for my own sanity, but so that he can actually learn to take responsibility for himself.
Sir,
My son is addicted to mobile games "Gareena Free Fire". Due to online class he started playing games. Then become aggressive, disobedience, etc. I need help from your side. I tried all type of methods. But nothing is working out. I need counselling for my son. That is possible?
Thank you for this support system! We were warned but it didn’t seem possible till now. My teens are torturing me! I felt like I did everything right. Attachment parenting, cosleepinh, extended nursing, organic homemade meals, homeschooling since the beginning with child led learning. And here we are, a 14 and 17 year old who treat me so terribly I have to get away from them and cry in my bedroom. The disrespect is astounding.
Both are suffering from anxiety and depression and so I have both going to weekly therapy but it’s almosy empowered them to speak their minds even more than before. They blame me for everything. I feel like a punching bag. It’s gotten so bad with my son I don’t want to be around him anymore. He’s verbally abusive. I just hope that this time will go by quickly and that they will both come around and want to be friends again.
I’m just not sure what to do. My almost-13 yr old daughter shouts, tries to intimidate me, shouts over me when I try to talk, calls my actions ‘childish’. I know I know that am letting her have too much screen time and lockdown is also a factor. I will turn the WiFi off if she doesn’t close the computer after her time is over. She just shouts. She will wind me up so much that I end up shouting which I know is wrong. I try to walk away but she follows me. My house isn’t big enough to shut myself away anywhere. I’m a single parent having been in a toxic relationship previously. My daughter appears to have narcissistic traits. It feels so similar to when I was married and being dominated.
I’d be grateful for some advice.
My father demanded respect. He was respectful towards me and spoke in a quiet tone of voice. I also in return showed him respect and was a well behaved kid.
Problem today is the bad influence of movies and tv. I grew up watching Leave it to Beaver and the kids were always polite and respectful. Today it's ok to talk back and disobey, not so in the 1950's and 60's.
My daughter is 9 years old and can be so rude and disrespectful towards her father and myself. Our son wasn’t perfect but he wasn’t disrespectful and rude. I try not to compare them, especially because he is no longer with us. He passed away just over a year and a half ago at 9 3/4 years in August 2018.
She has been rude and disrespectful since she was very young. I know we’re all affected and are in turmoil over everything that’s happened with losing our precious child but she can make it so unbearable and super frustrating. To the point I find myself being resentful of losing him and being stuck with her. I know how terrible that sounds and I have immense guilt over it and of course it’s only in the moment I feel like that but I just don’t know what to do. we’re both in therapy, both individual and separately. When we go together she cuts me off rolls her eyes and corrects my stories and says you already said that no one wants to hear it again. I try to be patient and understanding but it is So embarrassing and hurtful.
Everyone's stories are very helpful. It helps to know that I'm not the only one with an unruly child. It breaks my heart everyday knowing I didn't raise him this way.
Are there any success stories, tips on what turned things around for you and your child?
Not giving medical advice here, but your son's behavior sounds very similar to my sister's. She ended up being diagnosed with aspergers during college. We also couldn't get her to participate in anything positive or negative, except for Star Wars and Pokémon... Might be worth getting him evaluated. He may be able stay on your insurance longer.
However, why will he not be allowed on your insurance any more? I thought the cut off was 26?
Bewildered and Sad-
I can relate so much to your situation. I have a 16 year old daughter that is driving me nuts. Her ungratefulness and attitude that she is owed anything and everything she wants has me at a total loss.
She feels she should be there waited on, cleaned up after and does not lift a finger around the house. Thanks to her grandmother (not my mother) she has been completely spoiled.
I have provided not only the needs but many of the wants in her life as well. Many times I have spent money I needed for clothes or things so that she could have what was needed and sometimes wanted. That's what parents do, right.
I no longer have the income to do this and she is aware. She is only happy and tests me nice when we are able to go shopping and have a big meal out somewhere. Despite seeing me struggle she will still ask for the extras.
However it's disturbing to see how much she does not care. She will be getting a job this summer and I will not be giving hand outs anymore.
My daughter is so cruel at times I cannot believe she is my daughter. I actually feel relived when she isn't home because I don't want to deal with her constant complaining about nonsense stuff.
I have been grappling with my 7 year old who is at best confusing.He can be a gentleman but he's can also be disrespectful towards us,his parents.And he doesn't seem to have that much drive to excel academically.Issues like lack of focus in class and with his homework and yet he is a smart kid.His teachers say that he's helpful.
His behaviour is beginning to rub off on his younger 5 year old brother.
We've largely been stay home parents,always tired and so we feel frustrated that our efforts don't seem to pay off.
The article we just read on disrespect is quite helpful.How do we get him to have some drive and be more motivated to excel academically?
Tracylr If your having screaming matches - it's already too late. Tell him you love him but he will have to stand on his two feet. You can support him by paying half his future rent. He can visit anytime and is very welcome. Plan a weekly dinner together.
If you can't let an eighteen year old live more independently, may I suggest some of the issues are your own?
Your relationship is on a downward trajectory that will not change unless something happens to change it. Signing a form about behaviour will do nothing. Try it for a while if you like.
You will get respect back when you respect yourself.
All the best.
Hello everyone
I am so glad to found this thread. I have a 14 year old son who is an all honors student and overall a relativlely good kid but lacks self discipline toward his assignments and every time we use consequence (take away phone or Xbox), gets angry, volatile, abusive verbally and physically.
The series of articles and threads opened my eyes on lots of our own faults. I am pretty much like a single parent since my spouse has a late work schedule and never around and doesn't see eye to eye with me on issues around our kids. I am also the main income in the household which requires lots of travel and 60 hour work weeks, all resulting in lack of energy to deal with iissues with calmness.
The power struggle is too much and I feel like a failure and at loss what to do and where to get help. Recently, I was misdiagnosed for a brain tumor and the only silver lining was that I don't have to deal with this for long.
Any comments/guidance would be appreciated. I
Hello everyone,
So happy I found this thread and hoping I can get some help..
I am having a hard time understanding and putting up with the behavior of my 18 year old daughter. She is a senior in high school who is a bright and well rounded individual and who has many good friends. She goes to a very competitive high school and it seems that the pressure of getting into a great college is really getting to her. I have always been there for her. In fact, I have always been her #1 supporter. I don't agree with tiger parenting, rather I believe in a well rounded and balanced upbringing. She in turn has often thanked me for supporting her and for being a great mom to her. However, for the past year or so I have been noticing changes in her behavior that I'm struggling to understand. It is as if I am suddenly her enemy. She has been spending way too much time on her social media accounts. I can barely get her attention when I address her and when she finally decides to lift her face up from her cell phone, her response is usually dismissive. The "bitchy resting face" has become her signature facial expression. She has also been particularly rude and disrespectful towards me and her dad, spewing out poison every now and then and saying extremely hurtful things which breaks my heart to pieces. She is the sweetest person when she needs me to accompany her to the mall and buy her clothes or take her on trips but the minute we are back home she reverts to being her old self. I am currently unemployed and her dad works very hard to make ends meet, yet she keeps comparing us to "other" parents who buy cars for their children the minute they turn 16 or who are willing to pay 50k and more a year for college. I refuse to put up with her behavior and usually put a firm foot down telling her that her behavior is not acceptable under our roof and that I won't put up with it. I realize that the pressure of leaving the nest and going to college might be getting to her. I also know how paralyzed she can get whenever big changes occur in her life. My husband blames me and says that I have sheltered her too much which is why she isn't independent enough (she is an only child. Mea culpa). I agree with him to a certain extent but ever since she started high school I never stood in her way. I never stopped her from going out with her friends. She had her drivers license and I knew that she acted very responsibly most of the time. In fact I encouraged her to have a social life as long as she kept up with her grades and acted responsibly. Where I blame myself though is that I never pushed her hard enough to get out there and get a part time Job. I can count on my fingers the number of times she babysat for kids. She always seems to have too much homework. Why should she go out of her way if mom and dad can get her what she needs?
So, what am I doing wrong here and what am I up for? I welcome all comments even harsh ones. I am at my wit's end and frankly can't wait for her to go to college.
Thank you for your feedback!
RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Bewildered and sad
Thank you so much Rebecca..your response put my mind at rest. I am also hoping that this phase will pass soon. I failed to mention the fact that although I noticed a major shift in her attitude she often goes from being cold to being warm and vulnerable. It is these swings that I have the hardest time dealing with...
I am struggling with my 14 year old. He just takes off all the time. Il be hanging washing out and he takes off and doesnt come back till days later. I can never find him at his friends. Hes always hanging out with friends I dont even know.
I cant find his ipad that he needs for school in which im still paying for so im pressuming hes sold it, my bike that cost alot of money that he was using, missing!!. Iv been dealing with his selfish ways since he was 5. Iv tried every trick in the book. I could even write a book on everything that iv tried thats worked for only a certain amount of time and then hes just back to his old ways. We have seen psychologists, social workers.
Im at a point where if he takes off which is pretty much all the time, I want to give up. I cant sleep because of the emotion mental breakdown im afraid im going to have. Its making me depressed.
So mentally iv had enough.
I sm a single parent with 4 children I work fulltime. And my own son is bringing my breakpoint where I just cant be bothered any more. I just want to give up. Im tired of his constant selfish decisions. Calls from the school every week, suspensions every week.
I blamed myself for years until I realised nothing I did or tried helped. He just doesnt care bout anyone but himself. Hes been like this for as long as I can remember.
But I get up in the morning and try again but by night time. Im back to "arrggg I cant be bothered anymore".. when is it going to end..
iv got myself into a cycle over this.
Hi my 11 year old daughter has developed a horrible attitude towards me she calls me names tells me she hates me swears at me and says she hates her life I try to control these situations without too much shouting and upset but my boyfriend who lives with us thinks I’m being too soft and I should make her respect me , it’s causing a terrible rift between us all and I feel like I’m just trying to keep the peace and keep everyone happy but it’s telling on me now , my boyfriend told me last night that he can’t live here anymore because I’m not doing anything to solve the situation please help
Hi im naomi (50) my son italo (16) is a lazy son and he seems to think that world revolves around him.
Before he reached the age where hormones had taken hold of his personality and mood , he was an awesome son and me and him got along together very well.
But after we moved to another country (from chile to south africa) he has only brought brought in friends that look like drug users.
I have had numerous arguments with him none of them resulting in the ending of this conflict.
And as a result he now just straight ignores me and doesnt say a word to me ,just because i talk behind his back.
hayleycleaver2005
I hear you.It sounds like you are
dealing with some really challenging behaviors from your son, and I’m glad that
you are reaching out for support.While
it is normal for parents to feel hurt by a child’s actions or words, I
encourage you to do your best not to take your son’s words personally.After all, it’s likely that it’s not about
you, it’s more about his lack of skills to handle a situation appropriately.You might find our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-hate-you-mom-i-wish-you-were-dead-when-kids-say-hurtful-things/, useful
as you plan how to respond to these statements more effectively.In addition, although I recognize your
hesitation to bring this to your son’s doctor, s/he will be in a better
position to help you develop a plan to teach your son more appropriate
behavior.Please be sure to write back
and let us know how things are going for you and your son.Take care.
Today I went to attend my 18 son IEP meeting at school his in the 12 grade. I got there late my first meeting I missed since elementary. Well the school informed that my son signed his IEP already and they were going to leave it as last years. I do not agree with the plan because my wanted to build a more solid plan for my teen who is failing majority of his core classes, so as I am trying to inform school. My son continued to outburst as I talking to my child. "I already signed the paper". He tells me. I going to class. I requested that he sat down for a moment so I could discuss what transpired in my absence.
He sits then the lunch bell ranged. He states it lunch time. I got to go.
He gets up and storms out of the room.
I walking to exit the school. He sees me on my phone and takes my phone from hand. I struggled with him, but not trying to cause a seen as his twisting my hand I let the phone go.
I go into the school office and request that they call the school police. Yes I got my phone back.
But this is what I live often behavior like this.
It's getting worst. I am afraid of my child.
His outside sleeping on my porch as I writing this.
Does tough love mean locking your child out???
He just turned 18 on October 2.
Tpnicole
I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you are experiencing
with your son, and I’m glad that you are here.Because your son is an adult, anything you provide to him is considered
a privilege, including a place to sleep.At this point, it might be helpful to determine what your expectations
are for your son as an adult child living with you.James Lehman outlines this in his article
series on living with adult children; here is the first article in the series: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/rules-boundaries-and-older-children-part-i/.Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for
you and your son.Take care.
@TR
I’m so sorry to hear about the threats, verbal abuse and intimidation you
are experiencing from your son each day.You do not deserve to be treated this way.Furthermore, you have a right to feel safe in
your own home.Even though your son
might act innocent when around others, I encourage you to develop a plan to
stay safe in the face of his threats.As
pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/signs-of-parental-abuse-what-to-do-when-your-child-or-teen-hits-you/, it can be
useful to work with local supports to develop this plan.This might include your son’s doctor, local crisis
response services, domestic violence services and/or law enforcement.I recognize how challenging this situation
must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward.Take care.
Slk68
Sounds very familiar to my going on 16 year old son. We have now got to the point that he thinks he knows it all and he thinks he is a man well then go out in the mans world and see how long you last is what we have said and hes gone. It has been 5 days now and we know hes staying with a mate and his parents. Difficult not to contact him but I am determined to ride it out and wait for him to come to us.
Total disrespect habitual lying, steeling, sneaking out the window at night are just a few of the things we are dealing with. We really do try and believe in him and give him chances but he continually lets us down to the point that this is our last option
udham
It sounds like you are dealing
with a number of challenging behaviors, and rather than trying to address them
all, it can be most helpful to focus on only the one or two most significant or
disruptive behaviors, such as verbal or physical abuse, and ignoring behaviors
such as blaming and slamming the door. Those behaviors are often an attempt to
pull you into a power struggle and try to get you to give in on the limits you
are setting. Set clear, consistent limits around the behavior you are focusing
on, and hold her accountable with a https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/using-consequences-to-maintain-your-parental-authority/,
if needed. James Lehman, author of the https://www.empoweringparents.com/product/total-transformation-program/ program, talks more about how to regain control in your home
in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-thinks-hes-the-boss-how-to-get-back-control-of-your-home/.
Once you’ve determined which behaviors to focus on, I hope you’ll check back
with Empowering Parents for more helpful articles. Take care!
@Jo
Hi, thanks for writing in about
your concerns with your daughter. When a child breaks a rule, it can sometimes
be a challenge not to take it as a sign of disrespect towards you. Instead of
taking the rule-breaking personally, it can be more helpful to view the
behavior as the result of https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/. Your daughter did not go to her friend’s house
without telling you because she wanted to disrespect you, but rather, maybe she
was afraid you would say no and she really wanted to go. Setting clear rules
and limits and holding her accountable in a calm business-like way when she
doesn’t follow the rules, will be more effective than personalizing her
behavior as a sign of disrespect towards you. Megan Devine, an Empowering
Parents author, has a great article entitled https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-create-a-culture-of-accountability-in-your-home/, that talks more about
how to get started. Best of luck to you as you continue to work on this
with your daughter.
loreilynnkhan
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation with your
son. It can be very painful when your child refuses to see or visit you,
especially after you had such a long period of separation from him earlier in
life. You might consider consulting with a family lawyer to see what your
visitation rights are with your son. If you need help locating legal
assistance in your area, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. 211 is a service which connects people
with services in their community. I recognize how hard this must be for
you, and I wish you all the best. Take care.
Lulu8681
It can be tough to know what you are responsible for and
what your child is responsible for. In her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/learned-helplessness-are-you-doing-too-much-for-your-child/ Debbie Pincus suggests
one way of answering this question is by asking yourself whether or not it’s
something your child is capable of doing on his/her own. From that perspective,
getting your kids up for school wouldn’t be your responsibility per se.
Suddenly not getting them up without first letting them know about this shift
in responsibility probably isn’t the best approach. If you have been getting
your kids up for school every morning up to now, it would be more effective if
you sit down with them and talk to them about the change. I would also caution
you not to personalize the things your children saywhen
you’re arguing or when they are upset. Instead, set a limit around their verbal
disrespect and then walk away. Disconnecting in this way can help to diffuse a
situation and keep it from escalating. Carole Banks gives some great examples
of disconnecting in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/disrespectful-child-behavior-dont-take-it-personally/. I hope this helps to answer your
question. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take
care.
DeniseR_ParentalSupport Lulu8681 Thank you so much, I will definitely look into those articles for more help.
By the way I only wanted to add that last night my daughter apologize to me and this morning they BOTH woke up without my help and went to school. But you are right I need to talk to them before hand on the changes.
Thank You again!!!