The parents I’ve worked with often have ineffective ways of responding to and managing their child’s meltdowns. They either go to one extreme and yell, threaten, restrain, or even spank the child, or they go to the other extreme and give in.
In both cases, the parent may stop the meltdown, but they haven’t taught their child to behave more appropriately. And the next time their child is uncomfortable, he or she will simply throw another tantrum.
In my experience, parents are very resistant to the idea of their kids being unhappy or uncomfortable. They learn what their child has taught them: if you make me uncomfortable, I’m going to make you uncomfortable. When a child throws a tantrum at the mall and kicks and screams on the floor, he’s saying, “You have more to lose than I do.”
And he’s right. You do have more to lose: you’re embarrassed, and you can’t accomplish your goal of shopping in the mall. People are looking at you. You feel like a bad parent, and you think everyone around you considers you a bad parent.
In this situation, the kid has nothing to lose and everything to gain, and he doesn’t care what people think. He just wants to control you and get an ice cream cone. And when he gets his ice cream, the parent has inadvertently taught him that meltdowns work. And as long as something works, it’s human nature not to change it.
Kids have meltdowns and temper tantrums for two reasons. The first reason is that they do not have enough tools to manage their feelings in a new situation or event. The second reason is that meltdowns have worked—they’ve seen that when they have a tantrum, they get what they want.
If a child is confronted with a situation that he hasn’t learned how to manage yet, his response is fight or flight. It’s a survival response. And very often, flight is not an option because they can’t get out of the situation. They’re stuck, whether at the mall, in the car, or at grandma’s house. And since they can’t flee the situation, they fight, and the way that they fight is by acting out or having a meltdown.
If the parents don’t respond effectively, the child learns that having a meltdown or a temper tantrum will help him accomplish a goal. When a child gets stressed and acts out, and the parent gives in, that’s as far as the child needs to go. He doesn’t have to learn how to be patient, manage his anxiety, and deal with stress. He just has to act out so that his parent takes care of all that.
It’s not that these kids are bad. Rather, they’ve figured out that tantrums and meltdowns work for them. They’ve learned a problem-solving skill that says, “If I’m disruptive to other people, then it solves my problem.”
They don’t have to deal with the stress because everyone else is busy running around trying to calm him down, and they eventually give in to him.
I think that if meltdowns work for a child, you’ll see them continue. But as the child gets older, meltdowns will evolve into abusive or intimidating behavior. It’s a tantrum at age 5, but at age 15, it’s breaking things around the house, threatening physical violence, and using abusive language.
Unfortunately, we cannot stop the meltdowns. No matter what, children are going to get overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry, and they are going to have temper tantrums. These behaviors are part of childhood development. Indeed, they are the crude tools children use to deal with painful and confusing feelings.
But, depending on how we respond, we can manage the frequency and intensity of these behaviors, and we can give our kids more effective tools to use instead—tools that will allow him to manage overwhelming feelings on his own.
Although tantrums are to be expected, they’re not to be rewarded. Why? Because when you don’t reward the tantrum, you create a situation where the child must learn other ways to manage those overwhelming feelings. This is how you ensure that your child grows and matures.
Parents often know the right thing to say, but don’t know the right thing to do. For example, a kid may throw a tantrum when he wants an ice cream cone, and the parent gets it for him. The parent then gives the kid a speech about his misbehavior and thinks, “Good, I taught him a lesson. He understands now.”
But the kid thinks, “Good, I got the ice cream cone. I got my way.”
After multiple episodes of acting out, the parents are left scratching their heads, thinking, “I explained this to him a thousand times. I don’t know why he doesn’t understand.”
Here’s the problem: your child understood that he threw a tantrum and got an ice cream cone. Sure, he may hear your words, but he listens to your actions. And your actions say loud and clear that if you throw a tantrum, you get an ice cream cone. It’s a payoff for the child, and as long as he gets paid off, he will keep acting out.
With younger children, parents should not give in. If your child has outbursts in the car while you’re driving, talk to him before the next outing. Tell him:
“Sometimes, when we’re in the car, you get upset and start screaming. When you do this, it’s not safe for us. The next time that happens, I’m going to pull over to the side of the road, and I’m going to give you five minutes to get yourself under control. If you don’t calm down, I’m going to turn around, and we’ll go home.”
The store is another place where meltdowns are common. I tell parents that when a meltdown happens in a store, leave the store. Make sure your child knows before you go in that if he has a meltdown, then you will leave. You can say to him:
“Sometimes, when you don’t get your way, you get upset, and you yell and roll on the floor. If you do that, we’re leaving the store.”
As a kid gets older, you can tell him:
“I’m leaving the store, and if you resist or fight me, I’ll be in the car. You can find me. You know where the car is.”
Obviously, you wouldn’t leave a four-year-old in a store, but with an older child who can take care of himself, this can be effective.
If they try to play the game of “you can’t make me” say:
“You’re right. I can’t make you. I’m going out to the car, and I’ll call the security guard, and maybe they can help you out.”
You’re putting the pressure back on the child to behave appropriately. Is that risky? Of course it is. There’s always a risk. But it’s also risky to give in over and over again. Understand that I’m not advising every parent to do this. Rather, I’m saying it’s an option and something to consider if appropriate.
You shouldn’t give in to the meltdown, but you also have to understand what triggers it. If you know your child’s triggers, you can teach your child how to stay in control.
The most effective time to identify what triggers your child is right when the child starts to lose it. When this happens, intervene and say to your child:
“This is what seems to upset you. Let’s look at what you do when you’re upset.”
At this point, make it clear to your child that acting out and having a tantrum is not going to help him get his way. Tell him that rolling on the floor or screaming at the top of his lungs won’t solve his problem. And assure him that you won’t give in when he acts out.
Say to him:
“What are you going to do differently the next time this happens?”
Then talk with your child about what to do instead of acting out. But make no mistake, if you give in to your child, then this conversation won’t work, and your child’s behavior will not change.
Parents need to understand that a tantrum is a power struggle your kid is trying to have with you. It’s a strategy to try to get his way with the least amount of discomfort to him. Sometimes, that means blowing up and bringing discomfort to you, the parent.
Too often, we forget that the parent is the authority, that the parent has the power, and their child is trying to wrestle some of that power from them.
As a parent, you hold the cards. You just have to play those cards well. Part of the hand you’re dealt is your own parenting skills, your background, and your natural ability. But you should also try to use your child’s natural skills and abilities, understand their deficits, and use your authority to help your child learn to manage situations without acting out and misbehaving.
Parents have the power and can do this—I see it all the time. And, when they do, the payoff to their family life and their children is immeasurable.
Acting Out in Public: Is Your Child’s Behavior Holding You Hostage?
How to Handle Temper Tantrums: Coaching Kids to Calm Down
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James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.
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Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can hear how frustrating your daughter's behaviors are. Tantrums are pretty normal for kids this age because they tend to have a low tolerance for frustration and also lack effective coping skills for managing their frustration. We have several articles that offer useful tips for managing tantrums - both in the moment when it's happening and also after things have calmed down. You can find those articles here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/outbursts-temper-tantrums/
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
I can only imagine how frustrating this must be. We have several articles on blended families you may find helpful:https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/non-traditional-families/blended-step-families/
We appreciate you reaching out. Take care.
Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can understand your distress. The suggestions we give aren't going to work for all kids or in all situations. It may be helpful to see what types of local supports are available in your area that may be able to work with you and your son directly.
We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.
My 9 year old is having outbursts when he dose not get his way, he's ADHD and has anxiety as well. He's a great kid but he could be mean and nasty to people as well he has be rude to his friend and family. He's a wonderful kid in school they say doing great. At home when he dose not get what he wants or can't do what he wants the fits come out. When he has to study for a test or turn off the TV or give up the IPAD I only give it to him on the weekend. He also has a nasty attitude sometimes he can be real mean he has a counselor and neurologist they are working with him but his temper tantrum's seem to get worse at times. I do not give into him I try talking to him when he's claim or before we do or he gets his stuff. If I yell at him he starts crying and if I tell him he can't get or do something watch out here comes the tantrum I am not sure what to do with him I really need help I don't want him to think he runs my house and he is a boss because he already thinks this he is a totall control freak and he's only 9 years old he won't have tantrums in stores or school it's at home but they have really gotten worse
Please help any advice
My 7 year doesn't really have tantrums in the stores but he wants to play games and run around like a wild child. In general he is very angry mean little boy that will frequently hurt his 2.5 year old sister and has no remorse for it. He never gets in trouble at school but is absolutely disrespectful, ungrateful, rude... the list goes on and on. The reward/token system doesn't work, time outs... all of that isn't working. He has a very bad temper and I don't know what else to do with him. I am at a loss, I have tried to talk with him about the things he does, but he honestly has no remorse for hurting anyone or saying whatever hurtful thing he has learned.
I need advice, I am going to try to get a counselor to help but a starting point would be great.
I hear you.It can be
very difficult when you have a child who is acting out and becoming aggressive
toward his sibling.I hear your
frustration that time-outs and rewards do not appear to be changing your son’s
behavior.This is because consequences alone
do not change behavior.In order for
behavior to change, your son also needs to learn what to do differently the
next time he is in a similar situation.Something else to keep in mind is that it tends to be more effective to
focus on your son’s actions, and helping him to develop more appropriate coping
skills, rather than trying to make him feel a certain way.At this point, I encourage you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/ with your son about what he can do differently when
he is angry.I also recommend limiting
the amount of time your son is spending unsupervised with your daughter until
he has improved his impulses and coping skills.Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for
you and your family.Take care.
I am expecting a new baby in Dec and all of a sudden my 5 years old have started throwing tantrums starting from go away,stop it words to crying ,hitting, screaming for hours. I feel so helpless and worried parent.
What to do? Thank you.
I hear you. It’s not uncommon for young children to act out
like this when a big transition is taking place, such as having a new
sibling.This is because they typically
do not have effective coping skills to handle strong emotions such as anxiety,
fear, sadness, and so on. Thus, they act
out their emotions in aggressive or attention-seeking ways such as you
described with your child.Something you
can start doing is working with your 5 year old to develop more https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/freaked-out-part-ii-how-to-help-kids-manage-their-anxiety/ during a calm time.It
can also be helpful to have ongoing discussions with your child about your new
baby, some of the changes your child can expect and the important role which an
older sibling gets to play in the family.Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for
you and your family.Take care.
I hear you.
Dealing with constant tantrums can be so exhausting, and I’m glad that you are
reaching out for support. In a way, it is a good sign that she is able to
behave when she is outside of your home, because this indicates that your
daughter has the skills to manage her emotions appropriately. Now, it is
more a matter of applying those skills at home, as Sara Bean points out in her
article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/angel-child-or-devil-child-when-kids-save-their-bad-behavior-for-you/. In
addition, trying to address inappropriate behavior in the midst of a tantrum is
rarely effective. Instead, you might focus on trying to remain as calm as
possible, as Debbie Pincus points out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/dealing-with-child-temper-tantrums-from-toddler-to-pre-teen/. I recognize how
challenging this behavior can be, and I hope that you will write back and let
us know how things are going for you and your family.
Want to know why take them home when they throw a temper tantrum in the store? I found a corner in the stores before and also rewarded good behaviour. Leaving sometimes is exactly what they want so they do it again.
I also have a major issues and disappointment with counselors these days and am trying to figure out what to do with my 7 year old. I took him to a counselor last year who thinks he has adjustment disorder from changing schools and other bs going on. I agree with the diagnosis. However I disagree with the treatment. Her cure for the relatives having looser rules than we do was well remove the relatives until they comply with rules. Um no. They are adults who are set in their ways and are not going to change. They do not see the extreme changes due to caving in to him all the time. If we choose to say you do not get them until you comply that would get misunderstood and cause more family havoc. Do I really want to be alone again because some idiot told me to cutoff family that wasn't completely healthy? My mother was an exception, but most people are not deserving of complete cutoff from the family. We have to work with what we are given. No family is going to completely beable to comply with the boundary rules. She also had this fancy token system that does not work with him. Priviledge loss and immediate reward when possible for good behavior is understood. Tokens do not work.
When I was a kid what worked for me was sitting my down with my parents and a counselor, going over specific events and having a counselor look at me asking why I did what I did and explaining why I was wrong. She did not allow me to place the blame on anybody else, even another relatives poor examples of how to behave. Where do I find counselors who still do this if I need them in a few years for him? When are these guys going to realize that some kids do need firmer behavior modification than others. That helped me a lot looking back, not pleasent at the time. These counselors these days are too flowery and blame the parents for everything and think they are my coach instead of taking a role to help my son behave! You are hired help to teach my kid to behave to make sure he understands mommy and daddy have expectations that are reasonable.
Temper tantrums can
be very draining for most parents, so you are not alone in this
situation. Outbursts tend to be quite common for young children, as they
tend to have a low tolerance for frustration and few coping skills to use when
they become upset or overwhelmed. As Dr. Joan Simeo Munson points out,
part of addressing this type of behavior is to consistently respond in a
loving, but firm way in the moment when he is having a meltdown. You
might find additional helpful information in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-discipline-young-kids-effectively-4-steps-every-parent-can-take/.
I understand how challenging this can be, and I hope you will write back and
let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.
I live with my boyfriend of a year and a half. Last August he got full custody of his 6 year old son. The child's mother has visitation 3 weekends a month and Wednesday's. My boyfriend was given full custody because the child's mother was committing parental alienation against the child's father (my boyfriend). They had split up when the child was a year old and my boyfriend has spent the last 4 years slowly trying to get custody back. I love his son as my own and the past year has been beautiful and challenging at the same time. As of late, maybe the past two months, the little boy has been throwing insane temper tantrums, whenever we tell him No. It can ruin a perfectly good afternoon. We went to the park and played with him for hours and as soon we said it was time to leave, he said he wanted to stay, and his father said, No we need to leave. The child immediately started saying how he hates his father and his father is no fun and things of that nature. Literally a minute before, we had all been laughing and playing and having a great time. Similar incidents have happened. Last night we were all 3 outside our house practicing on his bike. He is in the process of learning to ride with no training wheels. He was getting upset because he wasn't getting it and threw his bike to the floor. He said he was going inside, so his father told him to pick the bike up and bring it inside if he was done trying. The child told his dad to pick the bike up and my boyfriend told him "No, you bring your bike in". That was it. The child ran inside the house and proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs for the next hour and a half. When my boyfriend tried to calm him down, the child started hitting his father, something that has also recently begun. He started screaming at him to leave him alone and get out of his room and that he's the meanest daddy in the world, and things of that nature. My boyfriend ended up just walking out of the room and we sat there in the next room while his son cried it out. He cried for about the next 5 minutes. About 10 minutes later my boyfriend went in to check on him and without a word, his son says "daddy I love you"..and all was right with the world. This has become a constant for how all his tantrums end. He just
Randomly decides he's done going crazy and tells his daddy he loves him. This situation is extra sensitive tho because the mother of the child is fighting to get custody back. Even though a child counselor, the little boy's attorney, a marital counselor, and a judge all found her unfit to raise him as she was found to be brainwashing the little boy to dislike his father. I know that's a separate problem but I can't help thinking it's connected. I'm at a loss as to what to do because my boyfriend thinks he's just a sensitive boy who has to deal with his emotions and is still Learning how to, and right now does it through throwing tantrums..I feel it has something to do with since this child can remember, he's had everyone in his life (his father's family and his mother's family) fighting over him and spoiling him and seeing who can buy him the coolest presents and seeing who can make the most fun weekends for him and take him to the coolest places..(As is the case when two families are fighting over custody), and now that he's in a regular household situation where his father is establishing rules, Parenting him and disciplining him, instead of being the guy he sees every weekend who brings him toys and takes him to cool places before returning him to his mom, now he doesn't know how to react to that. His father contacted the mother of the boy to please make sure he is being disciplined when he visits her and she responded by saying that she refuses to discipline him now that she only sees him so little. This further hinders our situation because I'm worried his son will begin to see him as the "mean parent" because he is the only one disciplining him or enforcing any punishments. Help! Any and all advice would be appreciated.
Your grandsons are so fortunate to have you as a stable,
loving presence in their lives. I can hear how much you care about them,
and want to help your younger one to manage his emotions. Because he is
currently working with a therapist, it could be useful to share your concerns
and observations with this professional, as s/he has the benefit of directly
observing and interacting with your grandson. Then, you can work together
to develop a plan to help him manage his anger and frustration in a more
appropriate way which keeps everyone safe. I also recognize how
challenging this must be for you, and I hope that you are taking steps to take
care of yourself as well. Self-care is an important, yet often
overlooked, component of effective parenting. Your self-care plan can be
anything you wish, from engaging in an activity you enjoy, to using more
structured supports such as counseling or a kinship care support group.
If you are interested in using this kind of support, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222. 211 is a
service which connects people with resources in their community. Please
be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your
family. Take care.
Tantrums are quite
common for children your daughter’s age, as they tend to have a low frustration
tolerance, and few appropriate coping skills to use when upset. When
children of this age encounter a challenging situation, they tend to resort to
behaviors such as whining, screaming, crying, and kicking. When you are
in the moment of your daughter’s meltdown, I recommend moving slightly away
from your daughter and trying to remain as calm as possible. Dr. Joan
Simeo Munson has additional helpful tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stopping-a-temper-tantrum-in-its-tracks-what-to-do-when-kids-lose-it/. I
understand how difficult tantrums can be, and I hope you will write back and
let us know how things are going. Take care.
Many of us can relate to the frustration of dealing with an
uncooperative 3 year old, and understand what you are dealing with in those
moments. With a young child, the most effective thing you can do is remain calm
and firm with your directions. While this won’t necessarily change how your
daughter feels about leaving the park, it can help prevent further escalation
for both of you. We would not recommend spanking as it doesn’t serve to
teach your daughter how to manage her feelings in a more appropriate way.
Instead, disengage from the tantrum and focus on taking care of your own
emotions. Tantrums are temporary, and when you don’t give them any attention,
they slowly die from neglect. Debbie Pincus, author of our https://www.empoweringparents.com/product/the-calm-parent-am-pm/, has some great tips on staying calm and guiding
your child to better behavior https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-keep-calm-and-guide-your-child-to-better-behavior-this-year/.
Know that it will get easier over time, and let us know if you have any more
questions. Take care and thanks for writing in!
I understand how
frustrating it can be when your young child is constantly having
meltdowns. It can be helpful to keep in mind that tantrums are very
common among children your son’s age. This is mainly due to the fact that
they tend to have a low frustration tolerance, and few appropriate coping
skills to use when they become upset. This does not mean that you are
powerless, however. Besides staying as calm as possible during a
meltdown, you might find some helpful tips in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stopping-a-temper-tantrum-in-its-tracks-what-to-do-when-kids-lose-it/. In
addition, if you are concerned that there might be an underlying issue
contributing to your son’s behavior (such as possible ear problems), I
recommend checking in with your son’s doctor in order to rule out other
factors. Thank you for writing in; take care.
Tantrums can be tough to deal with. A parent’s first
reaction is to either try to reason with their child or give a consequence in
an attempt to make the behavior stop. Unfortunately, both of these responses do
tend to escalate the situation, as you’ve pointed out. Usually, the best
response to a tantrum when it’s happening is to set a limit and walk away,
allowing your child the opportunity to calm down. After things have calmed down
you can go back and problem solve with your child ways he can manage his anger
and frustration more effectively, as James Lehman recommends in the above
article. Another article you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-handle-temper-tantrums-coaching-kids-to-calm-down/. In it, Sara Bean
gives great tips for helping your son learn the skills he needs to stay calm
when upset or frustrated. We appreciate you writing in and wish your family the
best of luck moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things
are going. Take care.
I hear you. It can be so upsetting when you’re not able to
do things as a family because one child seems to always cause a scene. It
sounds like there are other situations that are also at issue. It is going to
be more effective to pick one area to focus on at a time. Trying to address
every instance pf acting out behavior may prove to be not possible. It can be
hard to know where to start when there are so may acting out behaviors
happening. Carole Banks gives some tips for deciding what behavior to start
with in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.
Another thing we find to be beneficial is if the birth parent takes the lead
when a child needs to be disciplined. The two of you can decide beforehand what
house rules you would like and possible consequences that could be implemented.
In the moment when the behavior is happening, however, it may be more effective
if you disconnect and take space to take care of yourself or the other
children. James Lehman explains this approach in greater detail in his article
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/. I hope you find this information useful for your situation.
Best of luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.
I have a 7 year old son who has been having extreme tantrums to the point where he is screaming, kicking, and knocking things down when he doesn't get his way. This only happens at school. I am at the end of the line with it. The tantrums started this school year. He is the COMPLETE opposite at home. I've never witnessed it for myself. I get calls from his school just about everyday. It's so annoying. I have changed his before and aftercare, started a reward system for good behavior and chores, and now I'm considering changing his school. I feel like maybe the teachers have already categorized him and are putting no effort in trying to help. I get it, the screaming disrupts the entire school, but all they do is send him to the office. They already give him breaks to sit with the Principal everytime he gets frustrated with his work. Please help!
I hear you. It can be so distressing when your child acts
out at school. Many parents are uncertain how to respond to behavior that
happens when they’re not present. It may help to know that the behavior you
describe is not uncommon for a 7 year old. Most seven year olds have a limited
tolerance for frustration and few skills to deal with their frustration
effectively. So, when your son get’s upset, he has a tantrum. Using a reward
chart is a good way of helping keep the focus on the behavior you want your son
to have. I would also have a meeting with his teachers to find out more information.
My first question would be when are these outbursts occurring? Do they
occur during specific lessons or at certain times of the day? This information
may help to determine what problem your son is trying to solve with these
outbursts. For example, maybe he struggles with math or he might find it
difficult to transition from one activity to the next. Here are a couple of
articles you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/younger-children/page/4/.
Good luck to you and your son moving forward. Take care.
I hear you. It can be so frustrating when your child has a
meltdown every time he gets upset or disappointed. I can understand your
concern; after all, you don’t give in to his tantrums so, it would seem logical
they would stop since your not reinforcing the behavior. Not giving in is an
important part of not reinforcing his behavior, as is holding him accountable
after the fact. Unfortunately, until he learns better coping or problem solving
skills, his behavior will likely continue. You can help him learn better coping
skills by sitting down with him and having a problem solving conversation after
things have calmed down. Sara bean explains how to have a problem solving
conversation with your child in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/. I hope
you find the information useful for your situation. Best of luck to you and
your family moving forward. Take care.
I hear you. It can be tough to manage a temper tantrum. I
can understand you want to keep her siblings safe. Locking her in her room or
out on the porch may be a safety issue for your daughter, though. Instead of
trying to make her leave the area, it would be more effective to remove the
audience by having the other children go to a different place in the
house. This could be part of a safety plan, as James Lehman discusses in
the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-lost-children-when-behavior-problems-traumatize-siblings/. It would be
beneficial to help your daughter learn more appropriate and effective ways of
dealing with anger and frustration by coaching her to calm down. Sara Bean
explains how to do this in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-handle-temper-tantrums-coaching-kids-to-calm-down/. We wish you and your
family the best of luck moving forward. Take care.
Ok, my quiet meek 8 year old daughter during the day turns into a screaming nightmare at home when she doesn't get her way. We co slept with all 4 of our children and we explained to them that in the new year they were going to sleep in their rooms. My 8 year old and I went shopping got fish for her room and every night when it's time for bed she screams kicks throws things and says hurtful things to us. Tonight her daddy was trying to put her to sleep all I could hear was screaming and my daughter yelling no one cares about me I'm going to spit on you let me go your hurting me and so on. This went on for over an hour. She's scared to sleep in her room, she says she just wants me to lay by her, and so on. It was breaking my heart listening to her say these things while I was trying to work. I finally caved and laid with her because my husband was really upsetting her.
What a challenging situation. It sounds like your daughter
is having a difficult time making the transition to sleeping in her own room.
It’s not unusual for kids to struggle with these types of transitions. You
might find it helpful to develop a reward or incentive plan to motivate your
daughter to stay in her own room when it’s time to go to sleep. We have
behavior chart templates you can download in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/free-downloadables-child-behavior-charts-how-to-use-them-effectively/ Another article
you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/go-to-bed-now-winning-the-bedtime-battle-with-young-kids-and-teens/ by James Lehman. He gives great tips
on helping kids learn how to follow a bedtime routine and go to bed when
they’re supposed to. We appreciate you writing in and wish you the best of luck
moving forward. Take care.
It can be tough to know what to do when your child is having
a temper tantrum. Many parents we talk to share similar distress so you’re not
alone. The most important thing to keep in mind when trying to address tantrums
is not giving the behavior too much attention. When you give the behavior
attention, you give it power. If at all possible, you want to disengage from
interacting with your daughter when she is in the middle of a melt down. Say to
her something like “I want to help you solve your problem. I can’t help you
solve your problem until you calm down” and then disengage. You can even walk
away (an age appropriate distance) and give her space to calm down. After she
has calmed down you can go back and talk with her about what was happening for
her and how she might be able to deal with a similar situation differently in
the future. For more information on managing this tough behavior, you can check
out Dr. Joan Simeo Munson’s article Stopping a Temper Tantrum in its Tracks: What to Do When Kids Lose it. I hope you
find this information helpful. Be sure to check back and let us know how things
are going. Take care.
Having a child who is constantly throwing temper tantrums
can be extremely frustrating and exhausting, and I’m glad that you are writing
in for support. Something that I frequently discuss with parents is that
kids usually act out inappropriately because they do not have http://www.empoweringparents.com/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior.php. One next step might be to talk with her
during a calm time about the rules and how she will follow them. You may
want to start with
her behavior in just one environment, such as in the house or in the car, in order to avoid
feeling overwhelmed. You may also want to try using a http://www.empoweringparents.com/free-downloadable-charts/ to recognize and reward the times when she is behaving
appropriately. Please let us know if you have any additional questions;
As a teen I did volunteer work at sort of an orphanage, where no child had parents. Never once did any child of any age, infant to about 12, ever have a metldown, so what does that tell you? children who have their needs met but are not spoiled rotten have no need for a meltdown.
children who know they can control the adult do have a meltdown.
It can be upsetting for everyone
involved when a child acts up during special times. Often times, parents feel
embarrassed and unsure of how to deal with the behavior. In the moment when the
behavior is happening, stopping the show the way your daughter did is actually
the most effective way of managing that acting out behavior when it is
occurring. Granted, this may have an negative impact on siblings and other
members of the family. The idea, however, is to remove the audience (which can
inadvertently reinforce the attention seeking behavior) and also allows the
child to have needed space to calm down. What’s going to help decrease the
behavior in the future is problem solving with the child after she has had a
chance to calm down. For example, an adult might talk with her about what was
going on before she started to have a tantrum. This will help to figure out the
faulty thinking that may be going on. Then, she can be supported in finding
other, more appropriate ways she can respond in the future. We have a couple
articles you may find helpful to share with your daughter: Attention-Seeking Behavior in Young Children: Do’s and Don’ts for Parents
& The Surprising Reason for Bad Child Behavior: “I Can’t Solve Problems”. I hope this information is helpful. Be sure to check
back if you have any further questions. Take care.
My grandson who is 5 years old (come Feb 10th) left my home last evening. When he got home he had a super tantrum according to my daughter. He wanted to watch television, but it was time for bed. He refused to take off his clothing, he refused to goMore to bed, he refused to allow my daughter or his dad to do what they needed to do to prepare for the next day. In the end he fell asleep, but then awoke and continued his tantrum where he left off. When he awoke this morning he continued his tantrum from the night before. He does not exhibit this type of behavior when he is at our home. My daughter is lost for what to do and what is bringing on these tantrums. He did start a new school the beginning of this year, but seems to love his new environment more so than his other school. She is at her wits end trying to figure out what bought this behavior on?
It sounds like your daughter and her family did not have a very
good evening or morning. Sometimes, bad moods and bad days are just a part of
life, and sometimes tantrums are a sign that the child and parent are in the
midst of a power struggle. Typically, a child who continuesMore to act out in this
way has found that it serves a purpose. It can keep a parent’s attention, it
can be a strategy to avoid doing something the child does not want to do, or
simply a way to vent strong feelings that are hard to cope with. Whether it is
an ongoing behavior or something new, it will serve a parent best to find ways
not to engage with this behavior when
it is happening, for how long the tantrum lasts.. Modeling calm
behavior and being consistent about the rules and limits are good things to
have in place. Another good approach is to help the child find ways to
calm himself when something happens that he does not like, and then practice
using those ideas before the next problem occurs. Keep in mind, he may need a
lot of practice. Here are more tips from Dr. Joan Simeo Munson that may be
helpful http://www.empoweringparents.com/how-to-discipline.... Thanks for writing.