Let’s face it, “No” gets a reaction. Kids thrive on the connection they have with you, and if a child is always negative, they will usually get a reaction from their parents. As odd as it sounds, sometimes the negativity spewing from your child’s lips is not meant to sound as bad as it does. She may simply want contact with you, albeit negative contact. Some kids’ versions of, “Hi, how are you this morning?” come out as, “These eggs are disgusting!” While this is the way your child might want to connect with you, it doesn’t mean you have to enjoy it or listen to it endlessly.
“Sometimes your child’s negativity and goading behavior can feel like a magnet pulling you in. I think the best thing to do is be very conscious of what’s happening, and then stay out of that orbit. The main thing is, don’t give it legs.”
When your child is a constant complainer, it can be emotionally exhausting. Your negative child may also be loving, funny, and sweet, but unfortunately her negative attitude stands out because it’s such an energy drainer. What’s worse, your mind starts “futurizing” and jumps to every worst case scenario.
So where does all the complaining come from? If your child is in her teen years, adolescence may be the culprit. When she was young she might have been enthusiastic about everything. You’d hear her say, “Mom look at this! Wow, it’s so cool. I love it!” Then adolescence arrives and it becomes way too uncool to be enthusiastic, especially with your parents. Sharing her inner feelings means opening herself up to you—and that is probably exactly the opposite of what she wants to do at this point in her life. Pushing you out is the name of the game. And let’s not forget that you and your family are the safe haven where all stresses of childhood can land. She may not tell you about her awful day at school, but instead complain that the food you cooked tastes awful. Yes, this is unpleasant, but remember, don’t take it personally—this could be a coping skill your child is employing
As strange as it sounds, negativity and complaining are actually ways to manage anxiety. When your child complains, she feels better because she’s expressing himself and venting her worries and fears. If you don’t react to it from your own anxiety, your child will move on.
After you determine what’s triggering your child’s negativity, consider why you get so stirred up by it. Understanding why it upsets you so much is really half the battle; knowing why it pushes your buttons will help you find more calm, effective ways of dealing with it. Do you tend to be negative and critical yourself? Our kids’ behavior can often put a mirror in front of us, and it’s not always what we want to see. Do you feel responsible as a parent to fix your child, shape her up and make her happy—and turn her into a “Sally Sunshine?” Do you futurize and get anxious, and ask yourself if this is the life your child is destined to lead?
Oppositional Kids: Using Negativity to Stir the Pot
“This sucks! I hate this family.”
Sound familiar? Kids who are oppositional or defiant often use negativity to get everyone around them worked up, including you. Sometimes they respond automatically without thinking—they’re not necessarily trying to make everyone upset—but other times, they do it with the intention to make everybody else feel as miserable as they do. And you and your child’s siblings probably bear the brunt of it, because home is that safe place where he can let out the absolute worst part of himself. If your child spews a lot of negativity at home, the trick for you is not to get pulled into it, because that’s what will give him the feeling that he’s in control—he’s got you and you’re paying attention to him. You’re hooked.
Work hard not to indulge that part of your child. Recognize when your child is trying to push your buttons and try not to get pulled in. The temptation in the moment is to feed the mood by saying something like, “What’s wrong with you? You’re ruining the movie for everyone!” Instead, you can put limits on this negative behavior by saying, “Not now, please. We’re trying to watch the movie.” Or “It sounds like you don’t like it. Why don’t you go to your room and do something else?” If your child continues to be defiant, you’ll need to try some enforceable consequences. (Please read Parenting ODD Children and Teens: How to Make Consequences Work by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner to find out how to do this effectively.) Define your boundaries and make clear what you will and won’t do without being critical and giving your child the message, “You should be different, what’s wrong with you?”
Easy? Not at all. I know this is hard—sometimes your child’s negativity and goading behavior can feel like a magnet pulling you in. I think the best thing to do is be very conscious of what’s happening, and then stay out of that orbit. The main thing is, don’t give it legs.
Here are 7 things you can do as a parent when your child is being negative and it’s pushing all of your buttons.
1. Don’t try to turn your child into something she’s not. As a parent, you might feel you’re responsible for how your child feels and behaves. If so, the choices she makes will feel very personal to you. You’ll find yourself trying to turn her into a positive person, a “Negative Nancy” into the proverbial “Sally Sunshine.” The result? She’ll work all the harder to resist you. This will cause you to push harder, creating more and more reactivity and negativity between the two of you. Remember, you’re not responsible for the choices your child makes about her attitudes or behaviors. Instead, you’re responsible for how you respond to these attitudes and behaviors.
2. Try to be nonjudgmental. As hard as it is, try not to be judgmental, critical, or defensive. So if your child says, “This food is gross,” don’t react by saying, “Why are you always so negative about everything? The least you could do is say thank you!” Instead, say something like, “Hmmm, I’m sorry you don’t like it,” or “Too bad you find it so unappealing,” or simply, “Oh.” Nothing more needs to be said.
3. Don’t personalize it. Try as hard as you can not to personalize your child’s negative attitude and constant complaining. Have a slogan in your head that helps you ignore some of his negative remarks. Try repeating the following to yourself: “It’s nothing personal and nothing to worry about. These are just feelings.”
4. Be direct. If your child launches into a venting session when you’re stressed out or in the middle of something, be clear and direct. You can say, “Sorry, but I’m not up for listening to this right now. Why don’t you save it for later, when I can focus on what you’re telling me?” That way, if your child really needs a sounding board and isn’t simply complaining for the sake of complaining, you’ll be able to give him your full attention and listen to what’s on his mind. (And maybe by that time, he’ll have worked through it on his own. In this way, your child will learn to rely on himself to calm his anxieties.)
5. Reflect but don’t react. If your child always has something negative to say, you can go with it without agreeing with him. If he says “It would have been a good day if I’d gotten a home run during recess,” you can say, “Yeah, really just to have that one extra thing, that would have made it better for you, huh?” Instead of trying to negate his negativity, listen to it and let it go. When your child is critical of something and then you’re critical of him being critical, it just adds to the cycle. Often we don’t hear ourselves complaining about our kids and we just pile it on. So try to be nonjudgmental about it.
6. Put a time limit on complaints. If your child is really a chronic complainer, you might consider putting a time limit on him. When your child launches into a complaining session, listen to what his beef is and then let him let him know he only has a few more minutes. You can say, “Okay Jackson, two more minutes to talk about how you hate math, and then we’re done with this subject today. I can’t hear anymore.” You can also establish a complaint time as James Lehman advises in The Total Transformation Program. Set aside a time each day, like after dinner, when your child has 10 minutes to complain about everything that’s bothering him. Limit it to that time of day and that amount of time. If he forgets and starts being critical about something, just remind him that he can tell you all about it at complaint time that night. You can also give him a journal in which he can write everything down. Another idea is to give your child five “complaint tickets” per day that he can use at any time. Each one is good for one complaint, but after the five are used up, no more. (This works well for younger kids.)
7. Give honest feedback. Your ultimate goal is to let your child be who he is, but also to let him know that his attitude does have an impact. Giving him honest feedback is one of the best ways to set your own boundaries while respecting his. When he’s going on and on about something or someone, you can say, for example, “When I’m hearing too much of your criticisms and complaints, I find myself tuning it out.” You could also try saying something like, “Hey, I think I need to hear a few more positives right now because I’m getting zapped.”
Generally when you give authentic feedback, you’re just letting your child know that what he’s doing is not working for you right now. Again, simply complaining about his negativity is not necessarily going to be helpful. Instead, you need to be honest about it and let your child know what you’re feeling about the impact of moods, attitudes and words. That’s about you expressing you—not you criticizing him.
A final piece of advice: When dealing with your negative child, be counter-intuitive. Again, while the goal of helping your child be a more positive person is a good one, trying to make him be one will backfire. Instead, do what is counter-intuitive: accept his negative feelings. His feelings are separate from you, so allow them without “futurizing” and personalizing and getting entangled. Don’t let your own anxiety about your child interfere. Rather, listen without criticism. Stand next to him, not joined to him. Only then will he stop being compelled to use his energy to fight you or defend himself from your criticism. With your acceptance, he’ll be free to begin thinking about how he wants to change and grow.
About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.