I've worked with a lot of children and teens with behavior problems over the years—and believe me, very few of their parents liked their friends. It's like the national anthem of parents: “It's not my child; it’s those
kids he hangs out with!” When I hear that, I always say, “Maybe that's so, but the reason he hangs out with that group is because he's similar to them. And just like you're saying, ‘It's those other kids he hangs out with,’ those
other kids’ parents are saying it's
your kid who’s the problem.”
While your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child’s goal is to be with people who like him
The old axiom is true, birds of a feather do flock together—and that’s especially accurate in adolescence. In fact, one of the main needs of their particular developmental level is to belong to a group and be accepted. That's why teenagers are always so worried about how they look and act. And once they find a mode of dress, a type of music and a group of kids who accept them, it’s very hard for parents to break through.
The first thing you have to realize is that you can't pick your child’s friends. In fact, if you criticize their friends, you will see them react very strongly. That’s because they're developmentally bound to defend their chosen peer group. When kids enter adolescence, they employ a way of looking at the world in which their friends are more important than anybody else. You'll often hear them say, “You just don't understand.” And another part of that mindset is, “Nobody understands me but my friends.” So if you criticize or attack their friends, you're really just making the relationship stronger. And no matter how you feel about your child’s friends, I don’t believe this direct kind of attack is effective. In fact, there are kids who like the fact that their parents don't approve of their friends; it adds to the flavor of the relationship. Understand that while your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child’s goal is to be with people who like him.
When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friends:
6 Ways to Deal with the “Wrong Crowd”
- Try to Avoid Repeated Criticisms of Their Friends
I personally don't think repeatedly criticizing your child’s friends or pointing out that they're bad is going to be a successful strategy. Again, adolescents are developmentally at a place in their life where they're defending their friends. And so it's very difficult for a parent to turn around and say, “Your friends are no good,” and expect to have a conversation. Your child’s natural urge is going to be to protect his or her friends, whether or not they know you're right. Realize that criticizing your child‘s friends is like criticizing an aspect of your child. It's going to meet with the same resistance and hostility—even if what you're saying is true. And all it will do is further alienate your child from you.
- Make Clear Statements about Behavior
I think if you don't like your kid's friends, the most effective thing to do is state: “I don't like the way they behave.” That's the first thing you can say. “I don't like you hanging out with kids who get in trouble, because you get in trouble with them.” Can you say this every day? No. But you can say it once in awhile. Be sure to simply state the facts. State what you don't like about their friends’ behavior. You're not judging them. As a parent, I think you want to be a little smooth about that. You could say, “Look, I'm sure your friends are great to you. But they all smoke pot and they all get into trouble. If you hang out with them, you're going to get into the same trouble.”
Remember, when we’re having conversations like this with our kids we want to keep our observations on a level we can see. By that I mean talk about things that are recognizable: “I don't like that Jackie got arrested for shoplifting. I don't want you to get arrested for it, too. I don't like that your buddies all use drugs because I don't want you using drugs. I don't think it's good for you.” Make those observations and keep it simple and direct.
- Use Structure
I think that structure can be very helpful when dealing with your child's friends. In other words, if you don't like the kids he's hanging out with, then don't let him go out on school nights. Try to have more control over where he goes and what he does. If he says he's going to the football game and then you catch him down at the mall with those friends, that's his choice. He chose to go some place which you didn’t know about and there should be consequences.
Set Limits
If you know your child’s friends are engaging in behavior that isn’t in line with your values, then I think you should set limits on how much time they spend with those kids—or whether or not your child can see them at all. If his friends are breaking the law or doing things that are unhealthy, you can say, “Maybe they're your friends, but I'm not going to let you hang out with them.” With a lot of adolescents, defiance becomes a big problem. Many of the kids I dealt with would climb out their windows when told they couldn’t go out. But again, you set the standard as the parent; you set the expectation. If your child doesn't meet it, at least he knew there were standards and expectations to begin with, and now he will have to face the consequences and be held accountable for his actions.
- Going Out on Friday Night is Not a “Right”
All of a sudden, kids hit a certain age when they think they have the right to go out. Well, I don't think so. I think kids have to behave responsibly in order to earn the right to go out. And you can say, “I'll let you go out if you show me that you're trustworthy.” Behaving responsibly does not include hanging out with kids who use drugs and drink—that’s all there is to it. I also think going out on Friday or Saturday night is not a right; it has to be something that is discussed every week. My son used to come to me and say, “Listen, Saturday night we're all going up to the lake. Is it okay if I go?” Saturday night was not his automatic night out. Instead, that was negotiated each week, and the answer wasn’t always “Sure.” As a parent, I think you should be saying, “What are your plans this weekend?” Your child should know that they have to have their plans Okayed by you first, and that they have to behave responsibly in order to earn the privilege of going out.
- Talk to Them about Mean Friends
What if your child is hanging out with kids who treat him badly? Know that he's hanging out with them for a reason. He's probably afraid of them so he’s trying to become one of them. When kids are afraid of bullies and other kids, one of the options they have is to join the group and become a bully. Because even though these kids are mean to him, there is a sense of safety there. The deal they make is, “I'll let you be mean to me and tease me, but you won't abuse me or beat me up or take my lunch money any more.”
But I think if your kid's friends are mean to him, the kind of questions you want to ask are, “What are you trying to accomplish by letting people treat you this way? What are you getting out of that?”
Try to have an adult conversation with your child. You can say, “Listen, you have choices; you don't have to hang out with these kids. You don't have to be a victim. I can get you help with this.”
When Your Child Hangs Out with Kids Who Use Drugs
As we’ve said, there are several reasons why people gravitate toward different groups. If you have a kid with behavior problems, you will often find that they are attracted to friends who also have behavior problems. If you have a child who doesn't do his homework and fails in school and is resistant and mouthy, he's going to gravitate toward friends who won't hold him accountable for that kind of behavior. Instead, his chosen peer group will reward and reinforce what he’s doing. In order to belong, he just has to do what the other kids are doing. That might be any number of things, including shoplifting, defacing property, using drugs or drinking.
It’s a simple fact that kids who use drugs hang out with other kids who use drugs. These kids are not likely to ask, “Did you get an A in science?” If these are your child’s friends, realize that he is almost certainly engaging in the same type of risky behavior—even if he says he’s not. Let me be clear: there is no other reason for your child to pal around with kids who do drugs. If he says, “Well, they do it, but they don't do it around me,” that's a lot of nonsense. It’s just something kids tell you to throw you off track; and sadly, it’s often a far cry from the truth.
Some parents say things to their kids like, “Well, you shouldn't smoke pot, but everybody experiments with it.” Don’t give your child that cop-out line.
Make it very clear: “No matter what you see your friends or other kids doing, there is no using drugs. That's our expectation of you.”
We were really clear on that with our son. I personally feel parents cop out when they say, “You shouldn’t do it, but everybody else does it.” Your kid is not equipped to make decisions about drugs. Drugs get you high, drugs take away stress, drugs take away feelings of panic or crisis, and that means something. Once kids start using drugs, it's easy for teens to become dependent on them because adolescents always feel stress. Drugs can become a dangerous way for them to get relief from all their fears and anxieties. Make no bones about it, drug rehabs today are filled with teenagers whose parents said, “They’re only experimenting” when their kids first started using.
There are important problem-solving tasks adolescents have to work through in order to prepare for adult living. Also, there is knowledge about the world that teenagers have to learn in order to make healthy choices and keep themselves safe. The use of drugs and alcohol in adolescence inhibits the possibility of these milestones being reached. So I don’t think parents should turn a blind eye or make excuses. Many times, parents are afraid to feel powerless, so they'll make those kinds of statements instead of just telling their child “no.” But you need to hold your child accountable and tell them right from wrong; that's simply the way it has to be. You have to be very clear and take a stand: “No drinking. No drugs.”
When Your Child’s Behavior Changes
If your child starts changing as a result of the kids he hangs out with, use a structured parenting routine: set limits and manage their time. I also think you should expect that they're going to change during adolescence. They're going to find a group with whom they're going to identify. When you see an adolescent, believe me, he's probably rebelling against adult authority in a lot of little ways. And while your child may go to school and be fairly responsible, you’ll find that through music, through clothes, through a myriad of different things, it's a rebellious time in his life.
I think it’s important for parents to understand that rebelliousness has a developmental function. Teenagers are individuating from their parents; what I mean by that is they're becoming individuals and separating from their parents. This feels as natural to adolescents as water feels to a duck. Saying that, it's often a very hard thing for parents to accept and manage.
Here’s the bottom line: kids are going to make mistakes and they're going to make bad choices. The best we can do is guide them, set limits, project our view of what's right and wrong in the world and hold them accountable
Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and
parenting blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on
Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website.
Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice. For more information, visit
www.empoweringparents.com
do you think as a parent of an 18 and 20 year old young adults male this strategy works? do rules still apply to this age group?
Comment By : Dee
O' how I wish Jame Lehman would come live in my house for a while!
Comment By : NC Mom
A lot of thruth and sense in this article re peers. I'm just not sure how you deal with an adolescent who totally thumbs her nose at any consequences. What do you do with a child who just walks out and does her own thing anyway even though you tell her she can't 'go there' or 'do that'? You can't physically stop them from walking out and doing it anyway. Apart from food and shelter we have nothing left to take away from her.
Comment By : Jan
I agree with Jan -- Lehman's thoughts are wonderful, but implementation with some kids is almost impossible, unless you physically restrain them. Do I disable her car so she can't go out? How can you ground an 18 yr old with a job and car?
Comment By : Diane B
* Dear Diane and Jan,
I don't have a sense of what is going on behaviorally in each of your situations, but you are both correct that it isn't reasonable to try and force your children to stay in the home. We don’t recommend that you get into a physical power struggle with your child, either. It just isn’t effective. James Lehman says that it's not the parent's job to prevent their child's inappropriate behavior, but rather it is their responsibility to deal with it effectively. Being effective as a limit setter, problem solver, and coach doesn't guarantee that your child will change or succeed. It's still very important to hold them accountable for their behavior and have ongoing discussions about what needs to change and what their plan is for improvement. Consistently giving consequences sends them the clear message that "We have standards on how we behave and when you choose not to comply with the rules, the outcome is that you lose access to you car, phone, etc." Try to ignore the “I don’t care” and focus instead on holding your child accountable. If the privilege they are losing is important to them, they probably do care more than they are letting on. After a while, the consequences become so uncomfortable that they outweigh any benefit your child may be getting out of disregarding your rules. Remember that children need the opportunity to earn things back and need a specific goal to work towards. For example, you can say, "when you're following your curfew and you can show me that you can be home on time for 2 nights in a row, then you can have access to your phone." Check out our articles on
consequences for more ideas on how to set these up. If you are backed into a corner and have nothing left to take away then you might need to look at how you can change the way you are approaching consequences. Good luck! Let us know how it is going.
Comment By : Tina Wakefield, Parental Support Line Advisor
* Dear Dee:
This is a good question and one we hear a lot on the Support Line. House rules still apply to any kids who are still living at home, regardless of their age. Many teens, 18 years or older, will tell you that they are old enough to do whatever they want to do, but until they live in their own house, they are still expected to respect the system you have established in your home. James Lehman wrote a great article about discussing these behavior boundaries with older children:
Rules, Boundaries and Older Children Part III: Is It Ever Too Late to Set up a Living Agreement? Remember you can always call the trained specialists on the Support Line for more ideas on how to apply the program techniques in your situation. Keep in touch.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I agree with Mr. Leman. But I also want to comment on the fact that you do not want to accuse you child of engaging in these behaviors such as using drugs or drinking if you have no solid proof. Doing so will only cause you child to feel as if you don't trust or believe in them. Explain to them that you do not approve of their friends behavior in any way. Tell them that you except them not to engage in this behavior themselves and be firm. But as I said do not accuse them. This only makes things worse.They may in their mind think to themselves, " well if they think I am doing it and don't trust me when I say I am not doing it, then what the heck I might as well do it!" You are setting them up to fulfill your belief.
If you have any reason to actually believe and have evidence of they are engaging in this behavior then you have to do what is absolutely whatever is necessary to stop it.
That just my 2 cents worth. Some may agree and some may not.
Comment By : Devinalee
I am having this problem with my step daughter right now. Fighting, friends smoking pot etc. AND SHE IS AN 8th grader! Since I am the step mom, I am obviously stupid to her. This is my directive to her. "Your mother trusts me to care for you in the way I see fit. You will NOT hang out with these kids. Obviously, you are not capable of making good decisions yet, and you have a whole lot of growing up to do. Therefore, I will be telling you where you will be and when you will be there and who you will be there with. Let me catch you sneaking around my back just once, and I WILL inform the authorities of your "friends" behavior. Let me find you participating in this behavior, and I WILL call the cops on you! Save your sob stories for someone who DOESNT care about you." I will NOT cosign her misbehavior. Period. (The child just got ME a $350 fine because she got in a fight.)
Comment By : elskede
My son is 14 and has been hanging around with a 19 year old girl in the neighborhood. He lied to me for about 3 months by telling me she was only 16. I told him then she was too old. Turns out, she even has a 2 year old son. I have and continue to state my expectations for him and he continues to do what he wants. I choose not to fly off the handle about the situation becasue I am searching for something that will be a sucessful intervention. He has been advised of all potential legal reprucutions, as well as how this could effect the girl and her future. WHAT CAN I DO that will be sucessful
Comment By : mybell
* Dear ‘mybell’:
Your best bet to handle these types of situations is not to focus on the other kid(s) your child is spending time with, but to focus on your child’s behavior. As James Lehman states in this article, it will back fire if you criticize the friends your child chooses. However, you do have a responsibility to control how your child spends his time. You mention that you continue to state your expectations for him but he continues to do what he wants. What you might consider is being very specific about your rules and expectations. Sometimes parents state what they want from their kids in guarded, gentle language that ends up sounding more like a suggestion than an expectation for specific behavior. For example, if he is expected to be home after school on week days, then clearly state that as the house rules. If he can go out for a few hours after completing homework and chores, tell him those conditions and what hours he is expected to be home. Your house rules should also reflect your values—such as, he is not allowed to use substances or participate in inappropriate sexual behavior. If he is expected to not ‘date’ until he’s 16, then that’s a house rule. Your ‘intervention’ then is monitoring his behavior. If he is showing you that he’s not making good choices when he’s not at home, set more limits on the time he is allowed to be away from home. These situations can be very upsetting for parents and we invite you to call the Support Line. We will be very glad to talk to you about what might be useful in your particular situation. Keep in touch.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I have a Question. My Daughter is 7y/o. Diagnosed w/ ADHD in Oct '07. She is on Adderall XR 15 mg in the morning and 5 mg Ritalin @ 12p. She has a child in her class (they have been classmates for 3 years and they have become Friends) that has a list of factors (ADHD, OCD, etc and her Mom uses these as a Crutch to everything. This Child is on several Meds)anyway, it seems like my Daughter is a magnet (or possessed) to some of this Child's behaviors (such as not listening, not wanting to do her morning work at school). The child will hit and kick her Mom (I can say we do not have this problem) and during the last week of school right before the Christmas Holidays some stuff happened at the Child's home and the Mom put the child in the Mental Hospital, so for the last week of school before the Holidays and the first week and a half when this Child wasn't at school I seemed to have better control of my Child and school and home. It was like my Child walked out and a New Better improved Child walked in. I did nothing different. Now this Child has returned to school and the behavior stuff has started back. The New and Better Child has left and the old Child came back. I want to say that my child is looking for some kind of acceptance from her, sort of the "I know what you feel" routine. Any ideas as to what is happening here and how to handle it?
Comment By : SymJ
* Dear SymJ:
You might ask your daughter: "I noticed that for a couple of weeks, you followed directions in your classroom, you waited your turn, and you completed all of your work. Now, though, you aren't doing any of these things. What is different now?" Given that she was able to follow the rules previously, we know she can do it now. Let her know you expect her to follow the rules no matter what anyone else does, then work with her to come up with ways she can help herself follow the rules when she is tempted to break them. That might include language she can use to help her say no to her friend. It's important to stay focused on your child's behaviors, and not on why the other child might act the way she does. Good luck and let us know how it's going.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
