Do you have a child between the ages of 17 and 23 living with you? If you're in constant conflict with an older child over everything from curfews (should they have one or shouldn’t they?) to getting a job to alcohol use, James Lehman offers advice on how to set reasonable limits, and how to coach your child to responsibility and independence.(Part 1 of a 3 part series.)
"I want you to think of your adult children as guests. Not as children. How would you let a guest act? When would you draw the line with a guest?"
Parents feel they have to take care of their kids, whether they are 9 or 19 years old. But as kids get older, they engage in more risky behavior, and “taking care of them” becomes more challenging. When they’re five, they’re climbing the monkey bars and you’re worried they’re going to break their arm. At eleven they’re starting to play football or baseball and you’re afraid they might get hurt with a piece of equipment. At 16, they’re starting to drive, they’re often getting money on their own, and they’re around people with drugs. On the surface, they may seem much more independent, but actually they are simply much more able to put their parents off and hide what’s really going on with them.
Kids between the ages of 17 and 23 have a lot of thinking errors. Just like you can have a spelling error, and misspell a word, you can have a thinking error in which you misread life’s problems and come out with the wrong solutions. When kids start hitting their late teens, you’ll hear them saying things that indicate they see themselves as victims. “It’s not my fault.” “I couldn’t help it.” “I only stayed out an hour late and you want to punish me?” They become much more adept at manipulating their parents by blaming them for being too rigid and strict. You’ll hear kids say, “I’m getting older now. You should trust me more.” But the fact is, they’re not getting that much older. Teenage mentality lasts from early adolescence until 22 or 23 years of age. Most of the research shows kids are still using the same parts of their brain at 22 that they were using at 15. Their brain is still developing in their early 20’s. So they are not that much more prepared for adult situations. But parents can get sucked into the thinking error that “You owe me. You owe me a place to live. You shouldn’t be too rigid.” When parents hear this enough, they start to feel guilty for the rules by which they have chosen to live. They begin to think they’re too strict just for trying to implement the rules they’ve always had since their kids were young.
How to Enforce the Rules of the House with Older Kids
I think parents should have two levels of rules with their older children who are still living at home. The first are the rules of your household that reflect your values, structure and moral authority. For example: People don’t abuse people around here. That doesn’t change at 18 or 19. That rule never changes. No drugs and alcohol, especially if you’re under age. That doesn’t change at 18 or 19. That’s the rule. No stealing. No lying. I would keep those rules very clear, because you don’t want to start having double standards with older kids, especially if you have other younger kids in the home.
The second level of rules is the one that enables parents to live with young adults. Certainly, young adults should get more responsibility and independence, but they have to earn it. If you’ve got a job, you get more independence. Should kids be able to stay out all night because they’re over 18? Absolutely not. If they’re living in your house, they have to let you know that they’re okay. That may mean calling in if they decide to sleep over at someone’s house. You have a right as a parent to expect this.
The most important part of having rules with older children is the discussion that establishes those rules. When a child is about to turn 18, parents need to have a serious discussion about what the rules are going to be in order for everyone to live together. It should be a sit down, and you should write everything down that you agree to so that everything is clear. What can you do? What can’t you do? How will we support you in what you can do? What’s going to happen if you do what you’re not supposed to do? What is forbidden? These things should be clearly spelled out.
There’s a thin line between carrying your kids and being supportive of them. I think when someone is 18, if they finish high school, they should be supporting themselves financially. There should be no job too menial that they can’t take it until they find something better. Many kids don’t give a darn in high school, aren’t ready for a better job, and they resent the fact that they have to work at McDonald’s, 7-11 or some other starting out position. So they avoid doing it and think they’re better than that. This is a thinking error—a complete cognitive distortion that you shouldn’t accept as a parent. Parents need to say to older kids, “You made your choices in high school, and now if you want to better yourself, you’re going to have to go to school at night. If you want to better yourself, you’re going to have to start out in a junior college. If we can’t pay for college full time, you’re going to have to work and go to school part time.”
Everyone in the home should know what the rules are, and it’s important to lay it all out before the child turns 18. For example, the rule on drinking: “If you come home drunk, you will not be allowed to live in our house." It can be you’re out of the house for a few days, a few weeks or forever. Just establish the rule, write it down and explain to the child that he is over 18, and this is how we have to live with this issue. If kids get belligerent and violent after 18 (or at any time, in my opinion) the police should be called.
Think of Your Adult Children as a Guests—Not as Children
If you feel compromised and taken advantage of by an older child, you need to realize this: the child is an adult now. He may not act it, but he is an adult. He’s living under your roof. He has to follow your laws. I want you to think of your adult children as guests. Not as children. That’s the most important thing to do. They’re done with high school; they are now guests in your home. How would you let a guest act? When would you draw the line with a guest? When would you feel you have to call the police with a guest?
When my son went to college, one of the biggest shocks he had was when we started to refer to his room as the guest room. I remember him saying, “But that’s my room.” We said, “No, that’s the guest room. You can stay there anytime you want, for as long as you want, as long as you live our way.” We said it with love and kindness, but we wanted him to see his role in a different way—as an adult.
For parents who are very anxious and have a lot of fears about their kids, this sounds like a difficult thing to say. I know that. But it’s really the best thing to say because you need to let these kids know that they have to start to make it on your own. In effect, you are saying, “You’ve had 18 years to learn how to make it on your own. Now’s the time to put it into practice. Whatever you’ve chosen not to learn or chosen not to do over those 18 years, you’re going to have to pay a price for that now.”
The bottom line is, sometimes kids have to start out small. There’s no shame in that, and you have to make that very clear. Even if it doesn’t match up with what you had hoped for your child. Many young adult children often have a false sense of entitlement. I met many kids in my practice who refused to go to school, and could only read and write at a seventh or eighth grade level at best. They told me they were going to be video game programmers, basketball players or rap singers. That’s how they were putting off their anxiety. If you’re talking to a kid who says, “I’m not making it in school, but I’m gonna be a rap singer. I wrote a few songs tonight,” that’s the way that that kid is postponing his anxiety. What he’s really saying is, “I’m so scared about the future, I have to make up this fantasy, and then I’m gonna cling to it.” Then, if you challenge that fantasy and say, “Wait a minute. There’s 20 million kids out there. What makes you think you can do it?” the kid says, “You don’t believe in me. You don’t have any faith in me.” He turns it right around on you until you’re the problem. His not studying is not the problem. You’re not believing in his fantasy becomes the problem.
When you have these different currents coming together in a home where parents are living with an older child, it can get very uncomfortable for everyone, if not hostile. The way to keep that hostility at bay is to have clarity beforehand. Get the expectations and the consequences down on paper--literally. Write them down and expect the child to live by them.
I have known many parents who couldn’t get their adult children out of bed. They think that they’re helping their adult children by giving them a roof over their head and not making them be responsible because they’re afraid for their kids. But what they’re afraid of can only be cured by that kid getting out of bed and doing something for himself. The parent is afraid the child is not going to amount to anything, that he’s not going to find a good job, that he’s not going to make it in school, that he’s going to get into trouble socially. But the thing that addresses those fears is to get him up at eight o’clock in the morning and get him out there looking for a job. Tell him to leave with his lunch, a cell phone and the internet want ads and don’t come back.
This may sound harsh. You’re pushing someone out into a world that they have to deal with. But you’re not pushing them out of a plane without a parachute. You’re pushing them out into the street without any money. The solution to that problem is getting a job. Many times parents use their own fears, anxieties and sense of guilt and remorse to justify not doing what they would do to a guest. Out of fear, they choose not to expect out of their child what they expect out of themselves and each other every day. (Part 1 of a 3 part series. Please also see "In Response to Parents of Older Children" and "Rules, Boundaries and Older Children: Is it Ever too Late to set up a Living Agreement?" .
Excellent advice!!
Comment By : Marie G.
The article is right on target. I am struggling with a daughter about to turn 18. The article helped me know I am on the right track with my rules of the house -- written down and posted on the closet door. Now I need to add the consequences for breaking the rules. Thank you,
Comment By : connie
My son is 17, he will be 18 this August before his Senior year. he is falling behind in school and says he will probably quit when he is 18. He is smart, likeable, and has a good heart. He is a hard worker and will get up at 6am to work before school. He says he just wants to work. He would give his last dollar to me if I needed it. I am a single mom and also have a 9 year old daughter. I am successful and so is his father, it is hard to know that he may make a decision to get a GED rather than a diploma. I know that he will be successful no matter what, but all I can do for now is implement the rules. He goes to school, but lets me know that when he is 18, he will make up his own mind. He said he will either pay me rent or move out if I want him to. I feel torn, because, truly, he is a good heart and is not as troublesome as some teens. He is not lazy, abusive, or a drug user. He started smoking cigarettes, but I chose not to fight that battle, as long as I dont see it. And it is never in our house. So is this a difficult child? How do I say anything differently to help him make a better choice?
Comment By : Annette
Hello James,
I am so grateful for the Total Transformation Program. I am just starting to use it by listening to the CD's and reading the work book. This article from EP was a very helpful eye opener. I am a single mother of a 17 1/2 year old son. I am dealing with him not doing school work, although he is a smart young man with a high IQ. I have provided music lessons, and Kung Fu lessons for him to keep a balance in his life. He had been verbally abusive and defiant. It seems to be getting worse. I divorced his father ten years ago because of his verbal and controlling abuse. To make matters more complicated, my son and I have had to move in with my mother to care for her because she had been diagnosed with Alzheimers disease. My son is extremely frustrated with this situation, and he does not want to live with his father who's parenting style is abusive (I don't want him living in that environment either). I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I work full time as an analyst for the State of California. I care for my mother and take care of her household items, including bills, banking, investments and taxes. I have enrolled my son in an anger management class recently to see if this will teach him that verbal abuse and uncontrollable anger is not acceptable. I even called the police to talk to him the other day. I got up the nerve to do this from you stating an obvious consequence. It is not easy at first, but I am not throwing in the towel. I have a few months left before my son turns 18 and I am going to keep fighting to the end to raise this boy into becoming a fine young man. I look forward to more of your articles, and although I am extremely time challenged, I look forward to completing the CD's and work book of the Total Transformation Program. Thank you for the great service you are providing myself and other parents who suffer anxiety on dealing with teenage difficutlies.
Comment By : Persevering Parent
James, I live in Maine We put together a group of mothers and studied the Total Transformation Program together and it was very helpful.
My issue is I have 2 sons (ages 20 and 22) who are just loafing. My younger son Jonathan has been attending 3 semesters of community college and has failed many of his classes. I need to send him out on his own at this point. My other son Alex is 22. Both sons have ADHD as well as myself.
Alex grew up in residential schools in Massachusetts due to severe behavioral and oppositional problems. Last year he joined the Air National Guard in Maine and did extremely well in a structured environment. He returned from training last August and all of the improvements have gone out the window. The number one problem with my adult males is "Addiction to the Video games". Alex has means to get a car yet he has more excuses. He was supposed to sign up for community college and start this week. Unfortunately, he never submitted the paperwork to the Airforce in time for him to start classes. He has $3800 left from his military sign-on bonus and he is living in a fantasy land due to his video game addiction. Both of my sons are addicted to on-line gaming and they pay for cable.
I wrote them a letter back in early December to inform them of their last day if they don't start taking responsibility for their lives. Neither of the men/boys has even looked at the letter. I am giving up my doormat status and I will not continue to enable them. Right now they have no place to live as of Jan. 31st. I must follow-thru even though I feel extremely uptight about it. I am worried about Alex's anger so I will be calling the police to escort them out.
In summary, this has not been easy. I realize things have to get worse before they get better. I have been inconsistent in my parenting in the past and so I realize that I have taught them how to treat me. I will follow-through.
Do you do phone support James? I realize you live in Florida but your services are so greatly needed. I have heard a lot of professionals and by far, your program and philosophy is the best I've ever encountered.
There is such a strong market for your services. Teenagers over 18 and adult children under 23 is an untapped market which
many parents struggle with today.
Thanks for your wonderful services.
This article is very helpful.
Regards,
Ellen J
Comment By : Ellen
I have twin 14 year old boys. They are in constant competition with each other and as a result do not always respect the house rules. I always have to remind them to do their chores and it is usually followed by a criticism of how poorly their brother did it the day before. Not only is this emotionally tasking for me, I am concerned with their ability to take responsibility. If they are doing things such as not doing their chores and then sometimes lying about it, and going to different friend's houses without informing me, how can I regain this trust and get them to step up to their responsibility. Sometimes I feel like they are self deserving.
Comment By : A. King
Hit's the nail on the head! And, of course, the challenge is putting it into action.
Comment By : Al
I have a 17 year old son who will graduate from high school in June. He won't legally be an adult until next November. He got a job last summer (with me driving him every day because he had not proven that he was responsible enough to have a license) and everything appeared to be going well until I found his pot stash. The day after our discussion about it (and me flushing it down the toilet) he quit his job and is now refusing to look for a new one. I don't know how to get him on track.
Comment By : Valerie
the article hits home. I have an 18 yr. old son who has been in trouble with the law. he struggled through school and did graduate. He has great ideas and lots of potential. always held a job and is well liked. at home is a different story. he is verbally abusive does not like house rules although we never wrote them down. (maybe thats were the confusion is) everything is a debate and he thinks we should hand out to him all the time. on the other hand he wants out on his own and wants us to give him a chance at being an adult. realistically thats all fine, great thats what we want also, but he cannot aford to do it right know. we would like him to live in our house with our rules and save his money so he can have a plan and make it work. sometimes he acts very mature and equally immature. he is add and has lots of anxiety. he is very munipulating, emotional, hostile, but loving and caring and a very giving person. he is coming back home soon from incarseration and we need to know how to instill our rules without conflict.
Comment By : mike
Dear Dr. Lehman, This may or may not fit exactly into your article, but since our daughter is almost 18 (8 months away), I am hoping you can provide some advice and clarity into our situation. She has become very oppositional over the last 6 months when ever she doesn’t get her way and we put our foot down on things she wishes to do. She has run away twice. She has an angry attitude all the time. She has cursed at us and wished us dead. She does not keep her room clean-it is a total mess and so is her bathroom. She had a few chores around the house and these two rooms were to be her responsibility. She has failed all classes except the two she needs to graduate high school-she is aware of what she needs. She seems to have all the information on her rights. We have had the school cut her schedule to AM and enrolled her in two community college classes. We have told her she must get a part time job. The problem seems to be that she's almost 18 so we can't do anything (legally) when she doesn't follow house rules as we are still responsible for her. We have called the police when she has run away; they are supportive of us, but tell us there isn't anything they can do to force her to come home, behave and be respectful. We have felt like prisoners in our own home. We have watched our daughter go from a person who was headed to a four year college to a person that seems to absolutely hate us and is barely going to get out of high school. We have not found any drug/alcohol evidence but this level of opposition did start when she met an 18 year old boy/man last summer who we know does/sells drugs-she dropped her then boyfriend. I don’t know how much he is still in her life as she has met a new boy that seems like a nice person. He is older (19), attends college and has a job. She has lied, stolen from us, and dared behavior that we would never have imagined. The only way we have been able to have any control is to tell her we would send her to one of those schools for troubled teens-escorted in cuffs if needed-if she doesn't follow house rules or runs away again. Living with her under this threat is very stressful. We have all gone to therapy, but it doesn't seem to be changing the situation. She feels entitled as you mentioned. We have now told her that we would help financially if she attends a community college in the fall that is away from home. We want her out of this environment of bad friends and bad choices. She doesn't want to do that, she wants to stay here and attend the local community college. We have told her that if she wishes to do that, then she's on her own-move out, get a job and make your own life choices. Every day it's fear of the next drama. We are doing the best we can to get her to be a responsible person and to not enable this hostile, self-centered behavior to continue but it is exhausting. The joy has gone out of our lives. We can’t seem to understand where our daughter went. She is not the same person she was. She was not perfect, but we all had a life that was much different than this one we have today. She had everything that she could want-part time job, computer, cell phone, learner’s permit as we were teaching her to drive, friends, a boyfriend that was a good kid, a social life, goals, success, and a loving home. We have such angry, hurt feelings ourselves that we are consumed by this daily. Can you speak to our problems? Thank you in advance.
Comment By : Linda
Wonderful article! Will try to implement your suggestions and will forward your article to other parents who have troubled teens/young adults in their home. We also purchased your program and found it helpful. Thank you for your guidance.
Comment By : Deborah
Boy, does this article speak about my situation. My son is now 24 and a high school drop-out. He managed to get his GED last year, and longs for a life driving over the road with a truck. We have battled drug addiction in the past and even with the help of a treatment center.He is the type of person who wouldn't get out of bed in the morning and clings to the hope of his education money buying the big rig for his future. I bought the total transformation program and wished I had it 10 years ago. I really don't know what to do he is living rent free in a condo I have purchased and the state helps him with some services, but he doesn't seem to be able to start his life. He claims he's depressed but now I know it's lack of problem solving. HELP! Mary L
Comment By : Mary L
Thank you for this article. We have a pregnant unmarried daughter at home. She is pushing us and we have been setting boundaries. She won't like them but we have to set them to survive. Your words confirmed to me that we are doing the right thing now and making her mind us and our rules. NO more garbage!
Comment By : Michelle
Informative article. It's good to see some of the behavior we are experiencing with our 17 year old son is common. He becomes belligerent when confronted or asked questions and has been "off track" for much of his senior year. I see where I have empowered him to act like this AND as I read I remind myself that I have to be firm with him. I believe the anger he expresses to be will be temporary.
Comment By : Jan
My 19 year old son has flunked out of college & Junior College (living in the virtual world (computer & text messaging on his phone & sleeping all day). He is living at home. He was just fired from his most recent job & has been without one for 3 weeks. He pays for his own phone. He pays monthly payments for his car & for some of his insurance. He has started mooching off friends & staying with them at their apts. to avoid the dreaded parents. How do you motivate a 19 year old who feels entitled? Great article.
Comment By : holly
So, James we are caught in a very difficult spot now. Our son is 22 and barely making college, won't get a job, in trouble with the law, stays out all night and comes home drunk. We don't want to kick him out because we feel that he needs a safe place to know he can stay and be loved. He has been out on his own off and on but always runs out of money and moves back in. I have purchased you program 2 years ago and it was very helpful, however lately, we don't get much time to talk with him as he is never home when we are. We need help.
Comment By : Jan
This is excellent advice. I need all the support I can get with my two teenage boys. Your description of the sense of entitlement is right on! I am going to write down my rules and consequences this week! I look forward to part II.
Comment By : Cindy
* ***Editor’s Note: James will select from among specific questions you’ve sent in regarding older children and will answer them in next month’s issue of EP. Thanks for sharing your stories with us.
Comment By : Elisabeth Wilkins, Editor
I rent a house from my best friend. I have living with me, my 22 year old son, 18 year old daughter and my best friend's 19 year old son (he came with the house). My son has a job and he pays rent to my friend, as do I. My daughter and my friend's son do not have jobs, do not go to school and refuse to do chores. None of the three pay me anything to contribute to the utilities and food. When I say something to my son, he says, "I have a job. Talk to these other two." The others think, somehow, that it is my responsibility to keep them in electricity, water, DSL, satellite and food. They will not have a rational discussion with me. One of them or all three will get angry and stomp away when I try to talk to them. How can I communicate any expectations and rules when they will not even listen?
Comment By : Crazy in Georgia
I have a 19 year old daughter, attending university, paid for by ex husband who lives out of state. He and I both believe our daughters boyfriend (no in college, a bit older than her) are changing our once outgoing girl into a dependant hanger on. She works during school breaks whereever her boyfriend works, stays at boyfriends house on holidays, leaves school most weekends to be with boyfriend. She claims that because they are so poor, they need her help so she pays them a bit to live there. She refuses to live with us any longer on her breaks because of anger management issues we have at home with our younger kids, and I can understand she has the right to live where ever now that she's older, but it hurts to think that this a student is that running from one set of problems to another set and thinks it is ok. We talk about it, cry alot, then seem to come to an understanding, but the pattern repeats. Her father hasn't set any ground rules that seem to affect her. Her step father won't even deal with it, just calls her names and says she's a loser (he raised her from age 6-18). While we try to show love and interest in her college life, she doesn't like to talk about it much. She has always maintained that she doesn't drink or do drugs, but we know she's on the pill and is having sex. But lately she doesn't return my occasional (once a week) calls and I'm worried about what else she may be doing, or about her decisions about issues she is dealing with (summer plans, etc).
Comment By : concerned mom
Hi,
My husband and I house our 31 year old daughter and her two sons, Davin (4) & Isaac (2). If it were not for our grandchildren we would have our daughter move out. We have gotten temporary custody of her children twice and she begins to behave for a WHILE. She works at Carl's Jr. making minimum wage and has not graduated High School.
She is not currently taking street drugs but is chronically depressed.
When she picks the kids up from daycare (provided by the county because of CPS intervention) she comes home and gets on her cell phone or home phone and leaves the care of the children to my husband and I. Her bedroom should be condemned. The children's room is cleaned by my husband and I. She feeds her children hamburgers and fries, crackers...not a meal. She has destroyed carpet and furniture with her laziness and lack of respect for our home and herself.
I know this doesn't sound too bad but living with her and seeing her kids want her attention and not getting it...hurts. The dad is pretty much the same as my daughter. He is has done plenty of jail time and has had 3 other children taken by the court.
Like I said I would love for her to move out but my husband and I can't stand the thought of what her boys would go through.
Thank you for any help you can offer.
Jim and Cerita Briggs
Comment By : Jim and Cerita
I have a 15-yr. old son who is very demanding, often speaks to me very disrespectfully and forcefully using foul language as though I were anyone OTHER than his own mother. The boy is 6ft. tall and towers over my 5'5" frame. He has become quite strong, and frankly can be very intimidating to me at times. He has threatened me on occasion. I actually DID treat him as though I would treat a guest in my home and called the police once when he threatened me and we got into a physical altercation with each other, and told him I would NOT allow him to live in my home under those circumstances, but once the police arrived, the officer told me that by standing up to him , I was only aggravating the problem (allowing it to escalate0 and that I should simply walk away. Was he KIDDING ???!!! I am not about to walk away from my own child who is threatening me and speaking to me in that manner. I am a single parent with no man in the home, and I feel as though I am being greatly taken advantage of, and I don't know what to do. I divorced his Dad for being abusive to me...but how can you divorce a child ? Where would he go ? (at age 15?) The police told me I can't very well just send my own teen son out on the streets with no place to live...but under the circumstances...I am not willing to live under those threatening conditions!& I refused to be treated that way by my own son. Please help...what should I do ? I can't very well put him over my knee anymore and spank him at his age and size!
Comment By : Singlmom3
My husband an I agreed to take in his 17 yr old sister who is an unwed mom to 10month old. We have 3 children 13-9-6 and we are so stressed out having her in our home, she wants to behave like a 17 year old that has no responsibilities,and leaves the baby with me to take care of and complains the whole time she is home. There is no one else in the family to take her and the baby in, what should we do, this is not fair to our children or our relationship.
Comment By : Mandy
My daughter is 20, she has been struggling since 16. She says shes not doing drugs. Her problem is that shes been in trouble for steeling. She's racked up fraud checks and to me does'nt get it. She'd write a bad check from 1 account she had and cash it at another bank she had an account. This is going to catch up with her and I can't get through to her it's going to catch up. She can't seem to keep a job or get one at this point. She's a beautiful woman, can come across as a sweet personseems to have lost all her girlfriends and is now living with her boyfriend at his parents house. They lost the apt. they were sharing together. I think she needs professional help. Today she got caught at the bank trying to cash one of my checks for $40.00. She went into my house, even after she was told never to go in without permission. But she's already out of the house. ?
Comment By : Tuff love or hard time
I have a 21 year old son that we just kicked out for the 4th time. He hasn't held a job for the past 8 months and was sleeping all day while staying up all night and partying (drugs & alcohol). He lies to us, steals from us, money, tools, jewelry, etc. He doesn't pick up after himself until I get angry with him. Basically lives like a pig. I have tried to help him with jobs, but he has either blown it off or just doesn't show up. He does not have a running vehicle to drive and has lost his driver's license due to driving without insurance. He has a warrant out for his arrest and has spent many days in jail (which I thought he had hit bottom). A year ago he joined the Army Reserves and after Boot Camp he decided not to attend the weekend duty. The Army gave him an Honorable Discharge and he now owes the government $5,000 along with the Warrant amount of $2,200. When we kicked him out the other day he left but has now come back crying and sorrowful of what he has done and is living in his broke down truck in front of our house. We have asked him to leave, but he refuses. I do not want him living at home with us, especially when my husband and I are raising our 16 year old son. What should we do? Signed HELP!
Comment By : Deb
To Linda-- My son fit your daughter's description, and I would bet money on the fact that she is doing drugs. It's amazing how they are able to hide it. Nothing matters anymore and their main goal in life is to get high. My son is in a residential school now, and if we hadn't done that, I'm afraid to think where he would be. Even he admits that he was really screwed up. Do whatever you need to do to feel that you've done all you could. Therapy doesn't always work.
Comment By : Valerie
We are at our wits end with our 16 year old daughter. She is adopted and has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, Depression, Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. She has been on multiple medictions. We have had her in CD tx centers--both inpatient and outpatient as well as psychologists and psychiarists. She has had trouble with the law-multiple times. We ae now trying to get her into an Outpatient Mental health treatment center. She has stole from us, damage personal property, assaulted us-verbally and physically etcetcetc.. We have listened to all your tapes but still feel we are losing the battle. The county we live in won't help and we ae running out of financial resources. She is on several medications to control her behaviors etc. but minimal results. We could go on and on and on about her difficulties. What else can we do??????? Thank you from Minnesota
Comment By : Julianne
How do you make an 18 year old get a job when he has no car, no license and no skills and yells obscenities at you for trying to wake him up at 2pm? He thinks he is too good to work at menial minimum wage jobs!
Comment By : drichey
My sister is 26 years old and currently lives with our mom and dad. She has a 2 year old little girl. She doesn't work or receive any financial help from the father. She gets free insurance and food stamps through the state. She is totally ridiculous when it comes to responsibility. She is not responsible for her daughter. She doesn't follow our parents rules AT ALL!!!! She wants to constantly run around with her friends and her idiot boyfriend. My parents put gas in the car they gave her, they pay her car insurance, they buy diapers for the baby (my sister won't even potty train her), they buy my sister's cigarettes and give her money for her "other" smoke. Don't get me wrong, my parents help me out too, but I am 29 years old, have 2 kids, work full-time, and go to school full-time. I have my own car, pay most of my own bills (they do help out) and I also receive no support from my kids' fathers. It upsets me soooo much to see her take advantage of them like this. She won't even clean the house when they ask her. She never keeps jobs that she gets, she is also let go for one BS reason or another. She lies constantly. She takes advantage of us watching her daughter so she can "get away." I have told my parents it is partially their fault that she acts this way because they keep allowing her to get away with this behavior. They don't wanna kick her out of their house because of my niece, but something's gotta give. I said kick her out, she always has someplace else to be, so its not like she will be on the street. But they won't. I told them they have to show her tough love because she will never grow up and be a productive member of society. She just doesn't want to work or be responsible for herself, she wants to live off other people. She actually is waiting around for a man to come along that will take care of her and my niece. It is seriously stressing my parents out, especially my mom, and I can't stand to go visit when there is soooo much tension and drama. Please pick this as one to comment on. I will show it to my parents and my sister so they can have an expert's point of view.
Thank you!!!
Comment By : Fed Up
James,
Great article!
My husband and I purchased your program just over a year ago. We have a daughter who is over 18 now and no longer living with us (her choice as a result of setting clear, firm, loving bounderies based on our values.) We also have two younger children who have endured alot of turmoil and poor examples of appropriate behavior, mind you; I a including myself and my husband in this "poor example" definition. When our middle child who was diagnosed two years prior with ADD began exhibiting some of the same behavior issues as his sister I was at my wits end. I was not going to do this again! I could not live this way any longer with this lack of self- control, respect, responsibility and 'true love' going on in my home. My family and marriage were in trouble! I believe the Lord answered my prayers that morning when I saw your infomercial. I immedietly ordered the program. We started working thru the program right away...with small and then larger successes. I remember reading thru the discriptions of behaviors and saying "yes...this is so and so's problem, this one is so much like so snd so..." What I also had to admit was that many of those same behaviors had become evident in myself and my husband!! OH MY GOSH! That was not what I wanted to see or admit. BUT, how could I expect my children to live by a standard that I was not living by! That was the first step of the Total transformation.
My husband and I continued to change and grow into the parents we were ment to be, the younger children began to change as well. We found that our older daughter just continued to become more rebellious and more resistent as we stopped reacting to her choices and acted approprietly prior to, or after with the natural consequences one would reasonably expect to come about. Over this past year+, her behavior has gone up and down on the scale of acceptable to totally out of control. The evidence is overwhelming in her life, even as we stand back and love and pray for her from a distance.
The truth of it all...any transformation, change,repentance, whatever you want to call it has to come from the heart. If it is to be a permanent change! If the ideas and teachings are only reaching the brain, anyone can change for awhile...but the true feelings and beliefs of their heart will eventually come to the surface again in the form of those same old unacceptable actions. It is a CHOICE we EACH have the freedom to make for ourselves....even as small children who rebell in big ways will demonstrate. When we start to get results we can no longer "live with"...we will change or move. That is a natural scientific fact.
As a child who grew up in an out of control, verbally and physically abusive environment, who then unfortunately, but forgivably became a parent in an out of control home; and who is now experiencing a family that shares a totally loving, respectful, home filled with honor, love, acceptance (not blind tolerance), and personal responsibility for ones own actions...(by no means is this claiming perfection in any of us) I want to encourage everyone to determine your values, look to your own "Higher power" (we call ours God) stand firm on those truths and use the tools you have been given in this "Total Transformation" program. The results will come about. It takes the daily constant action.
Don't look at how high the mountain is until you are at the top. You will look down on your journey and say, "now, that wasn't as bad as I feared it would be." We made it, and have made many changes, resulting in not only our childrens', but our own "Total Transformation"! Our journey has been ongoing from about 11 years ago. I hope it is not over...(I am just much better equipped)...
if I have already learned everything I need to in this world of ours, I would have no challenge to grow, to be better, to do better, to do more, to give more etc.
Thanks for the tools, and thanks for the opportunity to share from my Transformed Heart!
Comment By : true heart of a mom
Our 16 year old son has started smoking cigar/cigarettes! We have told him he is not to smoke in our home and we catch him now and then doing it anyway! We don't want him to smoke at all! We don't and his father has asthma and it is not good for him to be around it! We have an 8yr old and a 14 year old and worry about how this will effect him and how we should handle it so they will understand we do not approve and will not tolerate it!
Comment By : Worried Mom
I find it especially amusing that you use the word 'entitlement'. That's the same word I use to describe my 21 year old daughter's (Kim) attitude. I am her father and divorced from her (and her sister - Carol's) mother. They lived with their mother for 8 years after the divorce and have been with me for the last 3 years.
I allowed Kim to attend a private school because she received a large scholarship that resulted in a tuition bill similar to a state school. I stated at the beginning that if she losses that scholarship she must transfer to a state school.
So, guess what? She failed two classes and lost her scholarship.
She stated that she could get it back if she picked her grades for one semester, so I signed a loan.
She did well, but could not get the scholarship back. I don't even know if she really tried and the school will not talk to me without her permission because she is not a minor. She won't give her permission.
She has been demanding that I sign additional loans! I refuse - go to a state school is my response, I cannot afford a private school, partly/largely as a result of the divorce.
I have stuck to my word and refuse to give in, and we fight often.
I suggest many alternatives regarding financial aid - I fill out the federal forms - but cannot get anything worthwhile.
However, I don't own a home and her loss of the scholarship would help her get other aid if she talked to them - and I offered to go with her.
She refuses!
She just seems so unbelievably stupid and stubborn about this!
What do you think is going on here?
Thank you.
Comment By : wwk
We have an 18 yr. old son and a 12 yr. old daughter, both adopted as infants. Our son has ADHD and our daughter has Sensory Integration Disorder. At 15 our son was cutting himself, using alcohol and drugs, smoking, skipping school, hanging around with losers and running away from home. We had tried many different counselors (from age 11 on), but he was refusing to go to therapy and take prescribed medications for ADHD and depression. He was being very destructive with our property, throwing dresser drawers and breaking them, took a knife to his mattress, punched a hole in the wall,etc. Finally, not knowing what else to do, we sent him to a residential school in another country and didn't see him for 18 months. We had to bring him home before completing the program because we could no longer pay for it. The "honeymoon" period lasted only a few weeks. He no longer was cutting, but went back to the same activities as before. He went back to the same high school but decided to drop out midway through his senior year. However, because he was on an Individual Education Plan for his ADHD, the school district provided a private tutor who came to our house and literally lead him step by step to finishing high school. He spent the summer playing around and has actually kept a part time job for 4 months now. However, he spends every cent the moment he gets his paycheck on clothes and junkfood. He continues to be rude and beligerant to us and his sister and has put a hole in his bedroom door and knocked it off its hinges. He leaves a mess everywhere he goes in the house, and has to be reminded to do simple chores. I recently found a gallon bottle of vodka in his room when he wasn't home and removed it. He was furious that I had taken his property and went through his room looking for other contraband (I found wine in a thermos and a couple cans of beer). He lies and steals from us. We have had a padlock on the outside of our bedroom door since he was 15 just so we have a safe place to keep money, alcohol and valuables.
Obviously, all of the trauma in our family has affected our daughter who we just found out is now cutting herself and has become beligerant. We have gotten her into counseling, but I suspect we have a rough road ahead with her, too.
There is seldom peace in our home. I have been being treated for depression and anxiety because of all the turmoil and my husband retreats to playing games on his computer to deal with the tension. We feel like we are constantly holding our breath and walking on eggshells. HELP!
Comment By : Going crazy
We adopted our daughter when she was 15 and now she is 19. We have
3 other kids. They are all close in age. Because she was "behind" in her academics, we had to put her in a grade lower than she should be and so she thinks that she is sooo much older than the rest of the class. Since she turned 19, she has turned into a rebellious, uncaring kid. It's all about her. We have rules about coming home, not staying over night, finishing high school, no parties with drugs,alcohol, no drinking/driving or riding with drunk drivers, being respectful to each other. But, apparently the rules don't apply to her. It has been a challenge because it is hard to discipline her or take away her priviledges that usually work with a younger child. She lived in the streets for a few years before we adopted her so she has been there, done that, what could we do to her that would be so bad? She has rarely, if ever said she was sorry for the things she has done. Now she is pregnant and she has to finish high school. We were looking forward to sending her off after high school, but we do want to help support her thru the pregnancy and help her get on her feet. We do need to sit down and write out the rules of the house while she is the guest. I have issues with her attitude which I understand is not the right "wording" to use. So, she needs a Miss Manners class. She is totally lacking in the social skills of just being nice. My husband and I have been her biggest cheer leaders, yet we have also been the enforcers of the rules and it has been challenging. Things will go ok for awhile and then, BANG, something blows up and we have to start all over. Anyone out there who is going thru this, I completely understand and you have my sympathy.
Comment By : trying to hang in there
Dear wwk:
What I think is going on is that your daughter is not taking advantage of the opportunities that are available to her now or that were available to her when she had a scholarship. She is responsible for the grades she received. What you offer financially is up to you and I think you have been clear on what that is. It is important to stop arguing with her. This gives her the idea that there is a possibility of change and that she has the right to an explanation or solution that is acceptable to her. Just remind her that she has a decision to make about the educational opportunities that are available to her.
Our best to you.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Manager
WELL YOU HAVE TOUCHED ON A SUBJECT THAT I HAVE NOT BEEN SURE HOW TO HANDLE. MY SON LEFT AT AGE 17 FOR THE ARMY. HE HAS SERVED IN IRAQ AND KOREA. AFTER 4 YEARS OF SERVING HIS COUNTRY HE IS NOW HOME. HIS GOAL WAS TO GO TO SCHOOL. I AM VERY PROUD OF HIM. BUT ALSO NOT SURE WHERE TO TURN NEXT. HE HAS BEEN HOME FOR 8 MONS AND DOES NOT HAVE A JOB AND HAS NOT ENROLLED IN SCHOOL. HE IS A VERY SMART KID. I AM SURE WHAT HE HAS SEEN AND DONE IN THE ARMY I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. BUT I ALSO DO NOT KNOW HOW TO MOTIVATE HIM TO GET HIS LIFE IN ORDER. HE HAS SAVED MONEY WHILE IN THE MILITARY AND HE DOES PAY FOR HIS OWN CAR PMT AND INS. SOME OF HIS FOOD. BUT WE ARE PAYING THE REST. WE ARE WILLING TO HELP HIM BUT ALSO FEEL HE NEEDS TO HELP HIMSELF AND START LIVING BACK IN THE REAL WORLD. ANY ADVICE WILL BE GREATLY APPRECIATED. THANK YOU
Comment By : MS. T.
Would you make any changes in these instructions for a bipolar child? Knowledge of this illness often shades our decisions. He has been away, but is recovering at home now.
Comment By : Carol
My 15 year old daughter needs help! My husband and I are at a point where we absolutly have no idea what to do. She was 6 when we adopted her along with her younger sister who is now 12. She has always been extremely loud and bold as a child and for the first couple years after we adopted her we went to therapists for Attachment Disorder. We've been to several therapists the last couple years but her behavior never gets better. She's done drugs, smokes cigarettes, yells she hates my husband & I, she hates living here. She lies and is sneaky about everything. Our problem is it's gotten to the point now that when we give her any type of consequence she yells she hates us and runs away right to the people that give her the drugs and cigarettes. We've called the police a couple times but then she thinks it's cool and we've heard her bragging to her friends how the police came to get her. She has no fear of running away and of course we need to have some sort of consequences not only to protect her but her younger sister sees everything she does. We wonder if its hopeless and we should send her to a boot camp or boarding school and just try to focus on raising our younger 12 yr. old. (We've raised a 22 year old son who has been out on his own since he was 19, has a great job and is doing well so we know we're not terrible parents.)
Comment By : any suggestions?
My son is 21 and in his third year of college in chicago. When he comes home we very rarely see him he is out partying or sleeping all day. He has done exremely well in school and has kept his grade point average at a 3.0. He will not get a part-time job while at school. He is a recipient of a low interest loan that helps pays his living expenses books etc. He thinks this is a free ride and can use this money any way he sees fit. His rent in Chicago is outrageous to say the least. I have tried to help him with his finances and time management skills to no avail. We have berated his sleeping behaviors and his room while he is home is unbearably filthy. I can not tell you the number of times that we have shoveled out his apt in chicago when he had messy room mates NOW he is by himself and still his cleanliness habits leave alot to be desired. He says he is busy with classes BUT when he has a day off it is spent sleeping in bed all day and playing video games. We are at our wits end.
On the one hand he is getting a very good education and doing well but we are also paying his car payments insurance etc (He does not have his car in chicago it is way too expensive to have a vehicle up there) We can not seem to motivate him to help himself a little more financially. We have had to take out parent plus loans to help pay for his college eduction and we continue to tell him we are going into debt for him the least he could do is help himself...
What are we to do. we are so lost.
Comment By : monasue
My husband and I have listened to the Total Transformation program, but only AFTER our son had gotten into trouble with the law. We turned him in after two years of counseling (with counselors who did not report) for sexual acts. The final straw was when our daughter came to us and told on her brother-the counselor finally reported and we turned our son into the police. We have filed complaints about the two counselors (Christian) that did not report. Anyway, our home of course is upside-down. We (our whole family)have been in counseling for 3yrs. now. Our two young children (5,8) were victims. Our son (16) did this at night while we were sleeping. Needless to say, our hearts have been wrenched with grief for everyone. Our son is entrenched with a broken system and is getting harder and harder. There are some break-through times, but our son sabotages his work just when he is about to make great progress. We have watched him go from placement to placement and facility to facility. He was on so many drugs at one point, he gained 80lbs. in less than one year. Our dilema is this: How will our son get the help he needs if he has had approximately 6 placements (one was 20 months), 10 counselors, 6 psychiatrists, and 4 different school environments? He also has comprehension deficiencies (I homeschooled him with specialists) that have been documented in neuro-psychological testing repeatedly (3). I am not making excuses for him, but some consistency needs to happen. We have had One excellent counselor the whole time who sees us weekly as well as, our other children been with another counselor the whole time. The "system" seems to think they are doing all they can for our son. Every time he begins to develop a rappor with a counselor, it changes and he has to start all over again. Every time he is making good progress now, he acts out. How can we advocate for our son without it seeming like we are making excuses? We are documenting all the team treatment meetings, visitation, and all the other requirements. We have only missed one team treatment mtg. in three years. We have submitted reports to our lawyer and Judge. Our son is worse now emotionally than he was when he went in. We are almost sorry that we turned to the system for help. We sure wish we had had your program long before he got in trouble. The tools you present are invaluable for the rest of our family. Thanks for your help.
Comment By : Exhausted in NC
I have a 17 year old son with a learning disability. He has a victim mentality, is immature, manipulative and missing too much school. His self esteem is very low and he is always saying that he is in the "retard" classes, which is actually Resource/special ed reading. I try to encourage him that he has other important abilities. The situation has been complicated by the loss of his dad to cancer when he was 13. He doesn't want to discuss his feelings about the loss and I can't afford private counseling. He is very irresponsible, doesn't take care of his or anyone else's belongings. No matter what he gets, whether it is privileges or material things, it is never enough. If he hears the word "no" he usually goes into a verbal temper tantrum, using foul language and yelling. It reminds me of the way a 4 year old acts when told no (except for the language). I don't use that kind of language and never have. One of my problems is that I am just not very creative at coming up with consequences and am not sure what to do or what consequences to use.
This is complicated by the fact that I have a fiance' who is getting increasinly agitated with seeing me not effectively deal with my son (and I can't blame him). And it is causing problems in our relationship. However, I am most concerned with what my son's future holds if he doesn't learn to make better choices.
Comment By : needhelp
I have a 16 year old son who has not gone to school for 4 months. He is adopted, parents divorced at age 7, lives with mom who has had cancer 6 times (currently on chemo), dad had lymphoma last year and is just recovering from a stem cell transplant. He went to wilderness and rehab for 6 months last year (because he was on steroids and drugs and became violent) and after getting back into regular high school last fall was ostracized by all of his friends because of an incident over a girl. He is hurt and angry, he rarely leaves the house and doesn't have any friends. We have tried everything from the Total Transformational parenting program, to therapy and medication to Wilderness and Therapeutic school and nothing is helping this boy. I am looking for advice on how to get him out of bed/off the couch and back into life.
Comment By : distressed single mother
As parents of an almost 18 yr old son, I can relate to all the issues you covered in the article above. My husband and I used the program last year, and it saved our son and it saved our family. I understand now it is our mindset that we need to change in order for our son to grow up and out of the house, if we want to do it positively. No, it's not easy, but for us, I really believe it will work. We have already been telling him these things, and of course he is going to test us to see if we can really keep our word. Thanks to James Lehman I think we can. Now I think we have the tools to keep him from turning our world upside down again.
Comment By : luellas
I have a bright 25 year old who does not speak to us. He lives with us , has a good job but he acts like he is a border. When I ask why he doesn't speak o us he says leave me alone. I know he is not on drugs and he doesn't drink. He plays sports and gets up for work on his own and works long hours. he is a mechanical engineer. He has friends but we neer see them. I think he dates because someone sends him home with tupperware full of food. This has gone on for 6 years right after a girl broke up with him. My husband does not want to bother him and says leave him alone at least he lives at home. I feel I have lost my son and don't feel like this will ever change. We have an 18 year old daughter who he doesn't talk to either. She has lots of friends and cant understand why her brother is thy way he is We are pretty decent parents who don't pry or nag. We don't understand this behavior and are heartbroken over it.
Comment By : fratopia
Just reading some of the comments and letters. We are having some of the same problems. Our Daughter has turned 18 in December. All we hear is I am an adult and I can do what I want. We have not caught her doing anything that we can prove because she always says you always believe what everyone else says. So there is a guilt trip on us. She never does anything wrong. It is always someone elses fault. The other day she was caught with a young man and she was to be at a school activty. Not that the was the bad thing she was catch and that made her mad very made. The thing is that we are told that she is taking drugs and drinking alchol. But we are not sure what to do I know that I told her the other day I was feed up and that as long as she is in this house that she will go to Church when we go and that she will go to school and third she will be here when she needs to be and if not she find her another place to live because we will go against the rules. We are waiting to see how this works. I believe that the main one I ask for help with everything is the Lord and He helps me be strong thru all these things.
Comment By : chpeanut
We have an 18 yr. old son who has been diagnosed ADH and Bipolar. He is supposed to be in Abilify but he only takes it sporatically. He has caused complete cahos in our home. He has physically damaged our home and belongings (holes in walls, smashed out tail lights, kicked in doors etc.) during his anger fits. He is verbally very abusive and has threatened physical harm to us. I have kicked him out of our home several times but his mother keeps letting him come back and eagerly welcomes him and makes over him when he comes home. He has a 2 yr. old daughter that we have about 80% of the time and he seldom does more that play with her for a few minutes when he is home. He can not keep a job because he will not let anyone tell him what to do. His pshchiatrist told us to kick him out and change the locks. I have done this. How can I get my wife to "see the light" and support me in trying to help our son before it is too late.
Comment By : sstski
My nice lives with mom and dad. She is a 19-yr out partying all night comes home drunk or sleeping all day; she had been in trouble for steeling. She goes to the community College and has a part time job. My sister clean her bedroom, cooks and gives her money for gas etc. She doesn't help at home, doesn't have a plan with her life and doesn't listen to her mother; Their son 16-yr old son who is sometimes very demanding, often speaks to her very disrespectfully and forcefully using foul language as though she were anyone OTHER than his own mother He is very irresponsible, doesn't take care of his or anyone else's belongings. Daddy supports everything they do and say.
My sister (52 years old) has not work for the past 20 years is afraid to go out and look for one to the point she is putting up with a husband who had a 2-yr affair, he smokes marijuana everyday, drinks at home 4 –12 glasses of wine, has a court case pending and is sometimes offensive towards her. She is offensive towards him too; don't have health insurance and 5 more relatives (mother and sister in law and 2 nephews) are moving in with them today.
House 3 bedroom, 2 living rooms and a spacious office. Husband works from home not doing very well financially. I have paid their mortgage, listen to their problems, respect their choices, buy them food and give them cash
I have to listen my sister complaints. I am frustrated to listen the same stuff for 14 years. What can I say that help? It hurts I loved them.
I have 2 kids and I want advice how not to end up (teen problem) as some of the families that write to you.
Comment By : Jenny C.
I have an 18 yr old daughter. During her high school years, she cut classes, was diagnosed with depression, had an eating disorder, and was cutting herself. Her chores to do at home was to fold the laundry, take out the trash, and wash the dishes. I had to constantly remind her to do those chores. When I did remind her, she would get mad. I sent her for treatments for depression and her eating disorder for 2 years. She was suicidal at one point in high school and was admitted to the hospital for one week. I visited her everyday while she was in the hospital. After graduation, she was attending community college but quit after 5 months. When She got a part-time job, she was so happy but got fired after 6 months for her poor attendance. She is grouchy to her grandma and doesn't respect her. I pay for her cell phone plan. In July, she lost her phone and i replaced it. In October, she lost her phone again and I replaced it. In December, she lost her phone again but I made her pay for it because she was working. She was upset that she had to pay for it. In January, her phone broke and she expects me to have it replaced. She is not a responsible person. She was caught shoplifting a $5.00 item at the mall and was arrested. She had money to buy the $5 item but followed her friend and stole anyway. She got arrested and paid the $50 bail. She blames me that she has to go back to court. I told her to plea no contest but she pleaded not guilty. She does drugs, alchohol and stays out late and doesn't come home for days at a time. Only comes home when she needs clean clothes. He
