It’s a familiar scene: You’re standing in line at the grocery store, almost finished checking out. For the fourth time in a row, your child asks for a piece of candy strategically placed at kids’ eye-level in the checkout line. You’ve repeatedly said no, when suddenly, the tantrum starts. His legs and arms flail, and then he lets go with an ear-piercing scream and begins hitting the floor. Meanwhile, between muffled apologies and frantic bagging, you attempt to get as far away from the store as possible.
Why do children have such loud and embarrassing temper tantrums? And what can you as a parent do to help make them stop?
“One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to try to help their child ‘work through’ their tantrum. Behaviors associated with tantrums should not be acceptable to you or your family.”
One important fact to recognize is that we all have temper tantrums occasionally. Think back to the last time you felt frustrated trying to get your printer to work. You may have thrown something, yelled out loud, or even sworn at it. This is basically an adult tantrum. The screaming, crying, and hitting that your young child shows is their version of a tantrum. Kids are no different than us; they get frustrated and angry too.
The first thing to keep in mind is that your child’s temper tantrums are not directed personally at you. Temper tantrums usually occur between one and three years of age, a time in your child’s development when they see themselves as the center of the universe, but older kids have temper tantrums too. Between the ages of four and seven, it’s not uncommon for children to yell, throw things, or just plain fall apart when they don’t get what they want. In both cases, your child’s tantrums are all about the perceived lack of control of their surroundings, so try not to personalize them. While this may be difficult to do, remember, your child lacks the daily self-control that we adults take for granted. Temper tantrums are the only way your child knows how to express their frustration with the world around them.
One of the best things to do is curtail those tantrums before they ever begin. This may not always be possible, but below are some strategies that can help you nip tantrums in the bud:
- Give your young child some control over his life. Many times kids act up simply because they want a little more independence from you. From the time they wake up, begin giving them choices for little decisions such as whether they want toast or cereal for breakfast, or allowing them to choose which shoes to wear outside for the day. One thing to avoid, however, is giving your child an open-ended option to do something such as, “Do you want to brush your teeth?” because the answer will almost always be a resounding “NO!” Instead, consider offering your child two options, such as, “Would you like to brush your teeth now or after you put your socks on?”
- Think of ways to distract your child. Young children have a very short attention span. The average two year old will change the focus of their attention approximately every minute, so you can use this to your advantage if you feel a tantrum brewing. If you are at home, redirect your child to a new task or toy and calmly talk about something new. Before going out, bring a bag of distractions in case your child begins to squirm or reach for items you are not going to buy. When you feel a tantrum coming on, take something out of the “fun bag” and offer it to your child. Examples can be a colorful notepad and a bag of bright markers, a small sack of their favorite action figures, an interactive picture book, a small musical recorder or radio, or, when all else fails, a small snack. Remember to rotate these items regularly so that your child does not tire of them. By using a steady, cheerful voice, you can distract your child from the object of their desire.
- Keep it quick. Understand that your child is not going to do well if you drag her on twelve errands in a row. Kids get tired and bored easily, and no amount of distractions will ward off a tantrum if they are tired, hungry or need a change of scenery. Be aware of the signs that your young child is heading towards a melt down, such as whining, crying, or complaining. These behaviors are the red flags you will need to learn to recognize. When they occur, respect that your child may be unable to continue as planned and curtail your plans for the day. Consider hiring a babysitter or trading off play dates with another parent so you can get through your weekly errands quickly.
- The attention factor. Lastly, remember that kids often have temper tantrums because they are not getting enough attention. Children are smart and know that even negative attention, including a parent scolding them, is better than no attention at all. Work hard at recognizing the times when your young child is doing something well and comment on it. If you can, set aside some special time each day for an activity--even if it is a short one--whether it be doing a puzzle together, story time or taking a short walk with your child. This rewards your child for their positive behavior and makes them strive for better behavior in the future.
What to Do When a Tantrum is in Full-Swing
Despite all of your attempts to avoid a temper tantrum, know that they will occur anyhow. What do you do when your child is in the middle of a tantrum and you’re stuck feeling helpless? Below are some tips to help:
- Do not give attention to the tantrum. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to try to help their child “work through” their tantrum. Behaviors associated with tantrums should not be acceptable to you or your family. As adults, we would not sit back and accept a person screaming, swearing, or throwing things at us, so we should not accept this from our children either. Children need to learn early on that when this behavior starts, they will be isolated from the rest of the family until they find more appropriate ways to act. When your child is done with their tantrum they may feel embarrassed or sad. This is a good time to talk about why their behavior was wrong and also ways to do better in the future. A lot of love, patience, and hugs can go a long way at this point.
- Take control of the situation. When a child is having a tantrum, they are signaling to you that they are out of control and helpless to rectify the situation. Although you may also feel helpless, this is the time to take control of the situation. Your child needs to see that you are confident and able to handle things. If you are at home, and the tantrum will not stop, place your child somewhere to ensure his safety until he can calm down. Pick the same place and put your child there each and every time they cannot calm down. If you are in public, calmly tell your child you are leaving, even if that means your shopping doesn’t get finished or you have to leave a play date. Children need to know that their parent is handling the situation for them when they are unable to do so themselves.
- Teach your child the importance of the word “No.” Don’t waffle when your child acts up as a way to avoid a confrontation or to stop a tantrum. Your child is brilliant at knowing how to get what they want from you. If you hesitate and give in even once when a tantrum starts, they have learned that tantrums will get them whatever they need in the future. If your child is in full tantrum mode, tell them, “You can’t always get everything you want.” Follow up by removing them from the situation or isolating them temporarily until they calm down. Be firm and consistent and your child will learn that having a tantrum will not get their needs met.
Temper tantrums are a part of all of our lives, whether we are children or adults. Your job as a parent is to help your child recognize that the behaviors associated with a tantrum are not acceptable ways to act either at home or in public. A loving parent also helps their child through this phase by setting firm boundaries, creating consistent rules, and modeling for their child appropriate ways to act, both at home and in public. You may not be able to eliminate all temper tantrums from your lives, but you can create an environment that allows both you and your child to get through them together.
This is a great article with alot of helpful information and techniques for handling the tantrum.
Comment By : Thankful mom
Yes, this article is extremely insightful; I like the "how-to" on handling these out of control behaviors.
Comment By : Grateful Aunt
My first encounter with a tantrum was when I was 13 and babysitting a 4 year old. As soon as her parents had walked out the door, she threw herself on the floor and started screaming and pounding her fists on the floor. Not knowing what else to do, I went down to the floor as well, and started screaming and pounding my fists too. She stopped and looked up at me and I said, "I don't feel like playing this anymore. Do you want to play something else?
Comment By : Now I'm a Stepmom
While I can implement the recommendations of this behavior, I find it impossible to get my ex-wife to do the same. It is simply beyond her ability to say "no." Rather, she will 100% of the time negotiate a way to give in to the demands of my children. So my dilemma is to get my ex-wife to be consistent with my behavior in these situations. Any advice?
Comment By : This is harder than I thought
Amen - Amen - Amen
As an executive, I see this as often in adults as I do my. Tantrums come in all shapes, sizes and ages. The best help you can be is to remain calm, assess the situation, and provide the control they lack at that time. Always be positive but definately be firm.
Comment By : Memphis Executive
I wish I had this article yesterday, but I will be prepared tommorrow. Thank you Dr. Munson. I would love to see more articles by you.
Comment By : Brooke W
I have 3 children and they are all very different. My youngest is 3 and she has the worst temper tantrums. She's soft spoken until she has a tantrum. Sometimes it's all I can do to ignore her tantrum because she is so inconsolable. Sometimes I give in just to stop her from crying but, after reading this article will start implementing some of these tips and have confidence that it will work.
Comment By : The Jenkins Tribe
Interesting. I am raising three FASD children. They are all over twelve and they still are having temper tantrums just like the one described. Distraction is the only thing that works for the same reasons given.
Comment By : FASD mom
As a grandmother who is now babysitting my granddaughter, I wish I had these great suggestions when I was a mother. I will print this and share it with my daughter.
Comment By : Gerry in Hawaii
For: This is harder than I thought
From: A divorcing parents educator in Tennessee
It is unfortunate that you and your ex-wife are not on the same page with how to handle the tantrums. My guess is that there may be other areas of child rearing in which the two of you do not agree. My advice is to check in your area to see if any mental health professionals offer what is called "co-parenting consulting". In our area, the consultant would meet with the two of you in a sesion to allow you both to express concerns about the children's status physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It's kind of like a check-up to see how the kids are doing since the divorce has occured. It's non-threating. Parents don't feel judged. It truly is about two parents who both love the children having a discussion about how they can BOTH make changes to improve the lives of the children...for today and in the future. The counselor makes recommendations and offers education on issues such as the tantrum issue. Then the information is coming from a neutral third party instead of the person they divorced. If she will not agree to the session, then it may be a case where you have to continue doing what you know is right, trusting that you are making an impact on your children emotionally and modeling healthy parent behavior. You may be the only chance they have to witness good parenting. Although it is hard, and the reward is not present tense, your efforts will pay off long-term with well-adjusted children....and you had something to do with that....THAT is your reward.
Do the best you can, with what you have, at the time...that is all you can do. Take care of yourself (literally)!
Comment By : Kelly from Nashville
People think I'm lying, but my children NEVER throw temper tantrums when in public. I have 4 children ranging from 10 to 4 yeras old. If any one of them threw a tantrum the others would know what was going to happen next and be upset with them. Tantrum in public means stopping what we are doing, leaving the shopping cart where it is with whatever is in it, and walking to the car for a long, quiet ride home. Then it's straight into nap for the tantrum child while the rest of the family either leave Daddy to babysit or play a board game and eat something sweet. For some reason, even with foster children I've had in my care, this stops any tantrum from every happening again. :)
Comment By : Mom of 4 in NJ
Great suggestions. I needed that. Thank you. You book will be my "next to read list." Can i order it from you, or would The Tatered Cover be a easier?
Comment By : Jeb
* For Jeb: You can order Dr. Munson's book, "50 Plus One Great Life Lessons to Teach Your Children" from
Encouragement Press.
Comment By : Elisabeth Wilkins, Editor
Pouting is another form of controlling a situation. I recently went to lunch with a friend and his 11 year old daughter. First she tried to choose the restaurant. Her dad looked at me. I said, "No thanks." She wanted ribs or nothing. She whined and pouted. Her dad had no (audible) preference so I showed him a half-off coupon from my favorite place. When she saw ribs on the menu she told her dad she would have the ribs. Again he looked at me. I handed him the half-off coupon. Since lunch was on me, my friend ordered something inexpensive. I guess he thought he was doing his daughter a favor since she probably hadn't had ribs for a week or 2. (My assumption.) She gobbled down the full rack and pouted until I dropped them off. She got the ribs but lost out on any future outings with me. If one of my kids had whined or pouted I would've taken them back home and wished them a happy lunch.
Comment By : better dad
Thanks for the information. I will try it on my 6 yr. old.
Comment By : Josh's mom
i think these are good ways to handle t.t. but i have a problem. no means no at my house, and i never give in to t.t. but my child is 4 years old, and she gives very dramatic t.t. almost on a daily basis. this is concerning to me because i think that is a sign of an other problem. either lack of sleep, lack of (what she feels is enough) attention, or emotional instability. what do you do when you have an issue like this? how do you keep yourself from going nuts from the day in and day out t.t. and still discipline the behavior effectively?
Comment By : a. brooke
I disagree with one thing… Kid's know you are giving in if you stop your shopping and leave the store. I’ll explain; with my boys that would be giving them exactly what they want. They don't want to be in any store unless it's in the toy department. This method had worked for me quite well and by the time they were 4 or 5 years old, neither of them has ever thrown a fit in public again. Here's what I “consistently” did when they were throwing a fit: I’d lean over to them and firmly whisper in their ear and tell them "I am handling this by ignoring you and I'm leaving you there on the floor". Then I continue my shopping and ignore them. (“If” it’s in the toy department I just leave that department) I don’t get embarrassed as that signals to them that they got to me, I just continue what I need to do and stay strong. When I start to turn the first corner in the store they come running every time...
Comment By : Craig
I thought the suggestions in the article were great and appreciated the thoughtful reasoning behind them--hope to hear more ideas from Dr. Munson in the future!
Comment By : hopeful mom
* "This is harder than I thought": I empathize with your situation.Being a single parent who is trying to do the right thing and then is thwarted in your efforts by your ex-spouse is never easy. I agree with Kelly from Nashville who wrote that counseling intervention is needed for the two of you by someone who specializes in divorced couples who are co-parenting. If you frame your desire to enter into counseling together as a way for both of you to become better parents who want to do the best you can for your children during a difficult period in your kids' development, she may be more likely to go with you than if she feels blamed or defensive. Saying something like, "I know you love our kids as much as I do. I feel that some help from a third party would be useful to help us get on the same page with issues like discipline and bedtimes." (or whatever else you think you need to work on) Point out that you are doing this for your children and all you want is to make their lives easier. Even if your spouse refuses to go, you should receive some counseling on your own to determine the best course of action to deal with her refusal to present a united parenting front to your children.In the end, remember that you can still set boundaries with your children, even if you ex-wife refuses. This won't be easy, especially since she may be seen as the "good parent" for always giving in. But
children are smart. As they grow up they will come to recognize you as the consistent parent, the one who loved them enough to say "no" and stick to it.
Comment By : Joan Munson, Ph.D.
* To a. brooke: First, let me tell you that you are not alone! Being four years old and dramatic go hand in hand for some children who are more spirited than their peers. I always think if a child is having temper tantrums on a daily basis, then it is important to look at some of the topics you brought up. For instance, you may want to ask yourself the following questions: Is she getting enough sleep and is her sleep schedule consistent? Does she get 3 healthy meals a day, plus two snacks? Do I try to limit videos, TV, or other stimulating activities? Am I giving too much attention to her temper tantrums when I should be ignoring them? Before you assume that your daughter has some sort of emotional instability, I would really answer these questions and try to implement a consistent schedule with her to see if that quells some of the storms in your house.
There are some good books about early childhood development that you might want to read, as well. I love T. Berry Brazelton's book Touchpoints: Three to Six , which
explains emotional and behavioral development during this period of your child's life. I also like Parenting the Strong-Willed Child by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. Both are great resources that I think might help with your young child. Recognize that what works on one child,may not work with your child. By this I mean that you are going to have to do some experimenting with various discipline methods to see what
works. Just remember that you are in control of the situation! If your child really does not improve, check in with your pediatrician to determine if you need to take the next step to have your child evaluated by a child mental health professional.
Comment By : Joan Munson, Ph.D.
i think these articles are great in one or another way, but what i go through with my 5 year old daughter is much worse. more then anyone could imagine. my 5yr old has adhd. and when she has a fit she starts throwing things and yelling. she constantly hits on her brother and sister. and at times i just feel like i can't handle her anymore, i really need help. do you have any suggestions on what to do?
Comment By : grace gale
* Dear Grace: Dr. Bob Myers has some articles on Empowering Parents that might help you: Please see "
ADHD and Young Children: Unlocking the Secrets to Good Behavior."
Many parents of young children with ADHD have found the information in his article helpful.
Comment By : Elisabeth Wilkins, Editor
Thank you, Dr. Munson! Your ideas are as important for toddlers as they are for older kids in the midst of "tantrums." Thanks a million for the great ways to stop pouting, whining, etc., which seem to have reappeared as my daughter enters junior high. I look forward to reading more of your insightful advice!
Comment By : Ann from Chicago
* Dear Grace: I suggest you consult your daughter's pediatrician or a mental health professional for advice. Don’t give up hope. With a proper evaluation and a comprehensive treatment plan, you will be able to see things turn around.
Comment By : Dr. Bob
I am a third grade teacher with 6 children who will routinely throw temper tantrums. It's hard enough to stay calm when one of them is going off of the deep end let alone the 6. The triggers are never the same...someone looked at them, I dared to hold them accountable for their work, they didn't earn a sticker for their contract. I have 23 years experience and I am ready to walk out the door and never turn back. There has to be away to deal with all of this but I don't know what that is. I usually have them in a "time out area" with a stress ball but they will often flat out refuse to go sometimes and will refuse to go to the other classroom as they continue screaming. It sometimes gets to the point where it feels impossible to control my own anger. I have tried many of the strategies in the article - sometimes they work sometimes they don't. Now what?????????
Comment By : Frustrated Teacher
* Dear Frustrated Teacher:
Many teachers report having these kinds of problems in their classrooms. We are fortunate that some have written in to Empowering Parents with good ideas. Please read the article: School of Hard Knocks:
Getting Behavioral Help for Teachers in the Classroom.
The program is ideally designed to be a course in teaching parents how to effectively teach problem solving skills to their children in a home environment. It encourages creating an “environment of accountability” in the home and works toward this goal. It focuses on the relationship between parents in authority and children under that authority. The techniques used in the relationship dynamic of parent and child can sometimes transfer to other types of relationships. You may find you can adapt the program to a teaching situation, using some of the limit-setting language in lesson 3, for example. The parenting roles that lead to accountability are very much the same description of a successful teacher’s role.
Best of luck to you.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
what is a parent suppossed to do when the child having the temper tantrum is 16? I'm talking screaming, kicking, slamming doors, cursing and demanding to know: "What gives you the right to tell me what to do? You're not my mother!" This behavior has ruined vacations, public outings and quite moments at home.
Comment By : Patches
What do I do when my child cries (tantrums) at age 3 and my partner automatically yells at me that I caused our child to cry and why did I make our child cry? I tell my partner to ignore but my partner yells telling me to stop our child from crying. It's so frustrating because our child cries more when my partner is around because my partner can't stand our child crying and gives in.
Comment By : Frustrated Parent
To Patches - That's interesting because my partner says that since our child is adopted that just wait until our child is older that I'll experience what you're experiencing.
Is your child adopted or are you a step-parent?
Comment By : Frustrated Parent
* Dear Frustrated Parent:
Parenting is a tough job. It’s not unusual for couples to have conflicts over each other’s parenting techniques. It can take real skills to work through your differences. Sometimes these differences are so ongoing that couples end up trying to work out their own issues by disagreeing over parenting. If you find that a large part of your parenting difficulties involve you as a couple, please take a moment to look at
The US Factor, written by psychologist, Dr. Joseph Melnick. This comprehensive program has a DVD devoted to parenting challenges, entitled You, Me and the Kids.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
I have to admit it: I was the negociator when it came to my son. I had to grow up myself and accept that I needed to be the adult when it came to temper tantrums(at 7, no less!!!!). Now, what I say is what goes, and it works!! If I do nothing else, being calm and firm, yet loving and accepting of his feelings, it makes all the difference in the world. Especially when I hear everyday how much he wants to take his DS to childCare!!! Boy, can he be manipulative!! But sticking to my guns really works!!
Comment By : grantmama55
