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Have you ever heard someone talk about how well-behaved your child is and thought in disbelief, “Excuse me? Are you talking about my kid?” While we usually enjoy hearing good things about our children, being told that your child is an angel by others can be confusing and frustrating when she’s out of control at home. It’s one thing if your child acts out in a variety of places or situations, but it’s a completely different thing when it feels like her anger is directed at you and only you, all the time. On top of that, it’s very easy to feel like there’s something wrong with you—and that you’re alone in all of this—when you’re walking on eggshells around her while everyone else is singing her praises. You might even start asking yourself if you’re crazy or wondering if your child hates you. When your child directs all her bad behavior at you it feels personal and it cuts deep, but the good news is that you have the power to change your situation. Keep reading to find out how.
When Your Child Saves All His Bad Behavior for You
On the Parental Support Line, we hear from parents whose kids save their bad behavior for home all the time. I think it’s important to first point o…ut that kids don’t intentionally do this; it’s not like they get angry at school or at their friend’s house and think, “I can’t wait to get home so I can just explode and scream at my mom!” It doesn’t really happen like that; in most cases it’s not a conscious process and it’s not intended to hurt you.
Related: Does your child direct all of his or her bad behavior at you?
It’s also important to realize that kids who are well-behaved in public do generally have a desire to please teachers and other adults and to be liked by them. The positive attention they get in public serves to reinforce this good behavior and is enough to motivate these kids to keep it together in situations that would normally make them come unglued if they were at home. Positive behaviors have been rewarded most frequently and consistently in public situations.
You might be thinking, “I reward my child at home. I give him praise and recognition when he does well but it makes no difference.” If that’s the case, consider this: home is usually safe. It’s a place where kids typically feel secure showing their ugliest behavior to adults. They know that you’ll still love them and they’ll still get their needs met if they act out. While it’s good for kids to feel loved and secure, that sense of safety also makes tantrums at home more likely.
Something else we tend to see happening in these kinds of cases is that acting out pays big at home. And it pays more than rewards or praise—it pays in power. As James Lehman says, “Children study their parents for a living,” and if your child acts out at home but not in public, she’s figured out that she can overpower you with her tantrums or anger. A different kind of conditioning has taken place, one in which negative behavior has been reinforced more consistently or strongly than positive behaviors.
This is frustrating because you naturally begin to wonder, “Why does my child behave for her teacher but not for me? What am I doing wrong?” Here’s the truth: It’s not helpful to look at parenting in terms of wrong versus right. That implies that you are to blame, and blaming isn’t helpful. Instead it’s more helpful to look at the issue as a question of whether you are being effective or ineffective. And the good news is that if your child behaves well in public, you’re not doing as poorly as you might think. In fact, this tells me that you have some important tools in your toolkit that are already working. Children who behave well in school or other public settings clearly have the skills it takes to effectively manage frustration, listen to instruction from adults, deal with limits, and so on. You probably taught your child these skills either directly or indirectly; she’s simply choosing not to use these same skills when she’s at home.
Related: Do you blame yourself for your child's behavior? How to put the responsibility back where it belongs.
What might be lacking at home in these cases is what we call a “culture of accountability.” If you want your child to start behaving better at home it’s very important to start building a culture of accountability today. Your child needs to know that she is accountable to you and that her behavior will not be dismissed or tolerated any longer.
Effective Techniques to Help Improve Your Angel/Devil Child’s Behavior
By working toward a culture of accountability, I predict you will see some significant changes in your child’s behavior at home in relatively short order. This is no easy process by any means—it’s going to take some commitment and hard work on your part—but it will really change the dynamic in your family in a powerful way. Here are some tips to get you started:
Choose one thing to work on first. It’s very natural when you start making changes to feel like everything needs to change and that it has to start right now. But changing everything all at once can actually be very counterproductive. What I often recommend to parents on the Parental Support Line is that they make a list of problem behaviors and rank the items on this list in order from most troublesome to least. Start with the one on top and work your way down the list.
Set clear expectations. You can tell your child that things haven’t been going so well and you are going to start making some changes to help everyone in the home get along better. State your expectations around the behavior you have chosen to focus on. For example, you might say, “Jake, you get rude and verbally abusive when you don’t get your way. That’s not okay. There’s no excuse for abuse and it won’t be tolerated anymore.” Then you can let your child know that when it happens you are going to walk away and that there will be consequences later.
One crucial rule for parents to follow here is offered by James Lehman in the Total Transformation program. James says, “What you say has to be what you mean, or what you say means nothing—it means whatever the person chooses to hear. And if you give these kids these mixed messages, they learn that what you say means nothing.” In other words, if you tell your child you are going to do something and then you don’t do it, nothing is going to change. When you tell your child what is going to happen from now on when he gets abusive, you must be prepared to follow through or else you will end up undermining your efforts—and your own authority.
Related: Does your child tune you out or verbally abuse you?
Focus on skill-building and coaching. While we already know that your child does have some sound problem-solving skills that help her to behave well outside the home, we have to consider that what works in one setting might not work in another. You can sit down with your child and ask her whether she ever gets angry or upset at school or at her friends’ houses. Let your child know she does a really good job of handling it when she’s away from home and ask her what she does to manage herself so well. You can encourage her to do this when she gets upset at home or talk about some other options that might work, like listening to music, going for a run or journaling.
It’s your responsibility to make sure that your child knows what she can do at home to solve problems more effectively. Do not take it for granted that she already knows. It can be difficult for some kids to see the big picture and transfer their existing problem-solving skills to different situations. In the heat of the moment you can give your child a quick reminder about what will be helpful: “Hey, we talked about this. You said when you got angry from now on you would go outside and kick around the soccer ball. Now’s the time to do that.”
Don’t participate in the outburst. Your child has relied on his acting out behavior to get by and when you change, it’s going to take him a while to follow in your footsteps. He will continue to act out for a period of time, but you don’t have to participate or be a part of that. When your child starts to escalate, walk away. Go to another part of the home where you can have some space and do something to take your attention off him and his inappropriate behavior. Attention reinforces the behavior and keeps it going, so the less you engage—and the sooner you make the decision not to get sucked in—the better.
Use effective consequences. It’s going to be very helpful to focus on consequences that help your child practice a new skill. Physical discipline or punitive punishments like having children write out, “I will listen to my mother” 100 times accomplish very little in the long run. If your child calls his sister a name, for example, you might restrict one privilege until he goes 2 hours without being rude to her or anyone in the family. For physical abuse or destruction of property you might put a privilege on hold until your child writes down a plan for what he’ll do differently next time and makes amends. An appropriate amends is dependent on the situation, but it could include replacing an object he broke when he was angry or cleaning up a mess he made.
Understand that when consequences become too long they become ineffective. And, as James Lehman states, we don’t want to simply teach kids to “do time” or live without a favorite object indefinitely. This becomes counterproductive in the long run because that object loses value, and if your child doesn’t value it, it’s no longer an effective consequence.
Related: Learn how to give consequences that really work for your child.
Will My Child Ever Behave as Well at Home as He Does in Public?
The long and short of it is this: your child most likely acts out at home because it gives him a sense of power, because he’s been able to get away with it, or both. Establishing a culture of accountability is the solution. As James Lehman said, “I think the most important thing for every family is to have a Culture of Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable to you for how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treats his family members.” Establishing a culture of accountability in your home, while not an easy or necessarily quick process, is a sure way to reconcile your child’s angelic public persona and that “dark side” you see from him at home.
Angel Child or Devil Child? When Kids Save Their Bad Behavior for Youby Sara Bean, M.Ed., Parental Support Line Advisor |
Have you ever heard someone talk about how well-behaved your child is and thought in disbelief, “Excuse me? Are you talking about my kid?” While we usually enjoy hearing good things about our children, being told that your child is an angel by others can be confusing and frustrating when she’s out of control at home. It’s one thing if your child acts out in a variety of places or situations, but it’s a completely different thing when it feels like her anger is directed at you and only you, all the time. On top of that, it’s very easy to feel like there’s something wrong with you—and that you’re alone in all of this—when you’re walking on eggshells around her while everyone else is singing her praises. You might even start asking yourself if you’re crazy or wondering if your child hates you. When your child directs all her bad behavior at you it feels personal and it cuts deep, but the good news is that you have the power to change your situation. Keep reading to find out how.
Children study their parents for a living, and if your child acts out at home but not in public, he’s figured out that he can overpower you with his tantrums or anger.
When Your Child Saves All His Bad Behavior for You
On the Parental Support Line, we hear from parents whose kids save their bad behavior for home all the time. I think it’s important to first point out that kids don’t intentionally do this; it’s not like they get angry at school or at their friend’s house and think, “I can’t wait to get home so I can just explode and scream at my mom!” It doesn’t really happen like that; in most cases it’s not a conscious process and it’s not intended to hurt you.
Related: Does your child direct all of his or her bad behavior at you?
It’s also important to realize that kids who are well-behaved in public do generally have a desire to please teachers and other adults and to be liked by them. The positive attention they get in public serves to reinforce this good behavior and is enough to motivate these kids to keep it together in situations that would normally make them come unglued if they were at home. Positive behaviors have been rewarded most frequently and consistently in public situations.
You might be thinking, “I reward my child at home. I give him praise and recognition when he does well but it makes no difference.” If that’s the case, consider this: home is usually safe. It’s a place where kids typically feel secure showing their ugliest behavior to adults. They know that you’ll still love them and they’ll still get their needs met if they act out. While it’s good for kids to feel loved and secure, that sense of safety also makes tantrums at home more likely.
Something else we tend to see happening in these kinds of cases is that acting out pays big at home. And it pays more than rewards or praise—it pays in power. As James Lehman says, “Children study their parents for a living,” and if your child acts out at home but not in public, she’s figured out that she can overpower you with her tantrums or anger. A different kind of conditioning has taken place, one in which negative behavior has been reinforced more consistently or strongly than positive behaviors.
This is frustrating because you naturally begin to wonder, “Why does my child behave for her teacher but not for me? What am I doing wrong?” Here’s the truth: It’s not helpful to look at parenting in terms of wrong versus right. That implies that you are to blame, and blaming isn’t helpful. Instead it’s more helpful to look at the issue as a question of whether you are being effective or ineffective. And the good news is that if your child behaves well in public, you’re not doing as poorly as you might think. In fact, this tells me that you have some important tools in your toolkit that are already working. Children who behave well in school or other public settings clearly have the skills it takes to effectively manage frustration, listen to instruction from adults, deal with limits, and so on. You probably taught your child these skills either directly or indirectly; she’s simply choosing not to use these same skills when she’s at home.
What might be lacking at home in these cases is what we call a “culture of accountability.” If you want your child to start behaving better at home it’s very important to start building a culture of accountability today. Your child needs to know that she is accountable to you and that her behavior will not be dismissed or tolerated any longer.
Effective Techniques to Help Improve Your Angel/Devil Child’s Behavior
By working toward a culture of accountability, I predict you will see some significant changes in your child’s behavior at home in relatively short order. This is no easy process by any means—it’s going to take some commitment and hard work on your part—but it will really change the dynamic in your family in a powerful way. Here are some tips to get you started:
Choose one thing to work on first. It’s very natural when you start making changes to feel like everything needs to change and that it has to start right now. But changing everything all at once can actually be very counterproductive. What I often recommend to parents on the Parental Support Line is that they make a list of problem behaviors and rank the items on this list in order from most troublesome to least. Start with the one on top and work your way down the list.
Set clear expectations. You can tell your child that things haven’t been going so well and you are going to start making some changes to help everyone in the home get along better. State your expectations around the behavior you have chosen to focus on. For example, you might say, “Jake, you get rude and verbally abusive when you don’t get your way. That’s not okay. There’s no excuse for abuse and it won’t be tolerated anymore.” Then you can let your child know that when it happens you are going to walk away and that there will be consequences later.
One crucial rule for parents to follow here is offered by James Lehman in the Total Transformation program. James says, “What you say has to be what you mean, or what you say means nothing—it means whatever the person chooses to hear. And if you give these kids these mixed messages, they learn that what you say means nothing.” In other words, if you tell your child you are going to do something and then you don’t do it, nothing is going to change. When you tell your child what is going to happen from now on when he gets abusive, you must be prepared to follow through or else you will end up undermining your efforts—and your own authority.
Related: Does your child tune you out or verbally abuse you?
Focus on skill-building and coaching. While we already know that your child does have some sound problem-solving skills that help her to behave well outside the home, we have to consider that what works in one setting might not work in another. You can sit down with your child and ask her whether she ever gets angry or upset at school or at her friends’ houses. Let your child know she does a really good job of handling it when she’s away from home and ask her what she does to manage herself so well. You can encourage her to do this when she gets upset at home or talk about some other options that might work, like listening to music, going for a run or journaling.
It’s your responsibility to make sure that your child knows what she can do at home to solve problems more effectively. Do not take it for granted that she already knows. It can be difficult for some kids to see the big picture and transfer their existing problem-solving skills to different situations. In the heat of the moment you can give your child a quick reminder about what will be helpful: “Hey, we talked about this. You said when you got angry from now on you would go outside and kick around the soccer ball. Now’s the time to do that.”
Don’t participate in the outburst. Your child has relied on his acting out behavior to get by and when you change, it’s going to take him a while to follow in your footsteps. He will continue to act out for a period of time, but you don’t have to participate or be a part of that. When your child starts to escalate, walk away. Go to another part of the home where you can have some space and do something to take your attention off him and his inappropriate behavior. Attention reinforces the behavior and keeps it going, so the less you engage—and the sooner you make the decision not to get sucked in—the better.
Use effective consequences. It’s going to be very helpful to focus on consequences that help your child practice a new skill. Physical discipline or punitive punishments like having children write out, “I will listen to my mother” 100 times accomplish very little in the long run. If your child calls his sister a name, for example, you might restrict one privilege until he goes 2 hours without being rude to her or anyone in the family. For physical abuse or destruction of property you might put a privilege on hold until your child writes down a plan for what he’ll do differently next time and makes amends. An appropriate amends is dependent on the situation, but it could include replacing an object he broke when he was angry or cleaning up a mess he made.
Understand that when consequences become too long they become ineffective. And, as James Lehman states, we don’t want to simply teach kids to “do time” or live without a favorite object indefinitely. This becomes counterproductive in the long run because that object loses value, and if your child doesn’t value it, it’s no longer an effective consequence.
Related: Learn how to give consequences that really work for your child.
Will My Child Ever Behave as Well at Home as He Does in Public?
The long and short of it is this: your child most likely acts out at home because it gives him a sense of power, because he’s been able to get away with it, or both. Establishing a culture of accountability is the solution. As James Lehman said, “I think the most important thing for every family is to have a Culture of Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable to you for how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treats his family members.” Establishing a culture of accountability in your home, while not an easy or necessarily quick process, is a sure way to reconcile your child’s angelic public persona and that “dark side” you see from him at home.
 |
Sara A. Bean, M.Ed. holds a Masters Degree in Education with a concentration in School Counseling from Florida Atlantic University. She is a Certified School Counselor and a proud aunt to a 5 year-old girl. She has been with Legacy Publishing since 2009 working on the Parental Support Line. Sara has over 5 years of experience working with youth and families in private homes, residential group homes, and schools. |
READER'S COMMENTS
Dear Sara, This article is God sent, because after searching for answers, and using the "tiptoe" article as my guide, and taking action, I felt I regained my power but then became stuck because the article stated "As parents, we have to turn that misplaced “power” into life skills. To do this, you have to set a firm limit and then do skill building to teach him how to solve his problems appropriately." Unfortunately, these skills did not exist in my family for reasons that today are classic topics, and I wanted to take time today search for possible answers. This article was perfect. So I told my 19 yr old son about the article and how important it is to talk and solve this problem for next time. I also reinforced his skills outside the home and said we must use them here. We concluded that next time he invites a friend over nite he must clear it first with me as well as the friend;s parents as well as ask permission for use of the car to pick up a friend. I am learning that just as my child is expected to learn this culture of accountability in the family, I as a parent, have the responsibility and accountability to teach him, and if I don't have the skills myself, first learn them and then teach him. Thank you for helping me learn.
Comment By : Vic
This describes my son to a T!!! I am so grateful you decided to write on this one this week, it is exactly what I needed to hear!
Comment By : milkowski4
My daughter is 9 years old.Her father and I (although we never married)are raising her together.When she was 3 our family went through a difficult time and seperated.After counseling(family and as individuals)and a year later,we reconciled.I read the first couple of paragraphs of the above article,I could hardly beleive it...you were writing about my family.My daughter is disabled and I have spoiled and circumed to her wants and desires beyond that of her disability and even more so when our family was divided. Family and Friends were quick to point out my mistakes and continue to do so when her behavior is questionable.It is my opinion that this has made it "easier" for her father to sit on the sideline and say "you need to get a handle on her","she needs to straighten up" and "she doesnt respect us just listen to how she talks to us".However,I must praise him for recognizing the smartmouth and sassness she exhibites to me and brings it to her and my attention by saying "listen to the way your talking to your mother---dont speak to her in that tone",it has made me more aware and I therefore acknowledge and recipicate it for him. On the flipside we hear of her outstanding behavior,respectful and polite manners when at school,by teachers,other adult influences,friends, and a random conversation in the grocery line and what a joy she is. Obviously as any parent I nearly explode with pride and yes maybe a little sigh of relief too.But,when we are home she leaves the majority of the "joyfulness" at the front door and we become the "mean,rude-I'm never going to talk to you again,leave me alone,stop telling me what to do,No I dont want to,I'm going to tell....(whichever the one of us is not on the receiving end of it)parent" and I'm sure its no surprise she manipulates her mother(me)and guilts me relentlessly always ending up with (somehow)if I love her do or get or buy or promise...whatever.As of late I have noticed it may even be as little as a gumball from the grocery store vending machine.....or the entire dramatic dialog replays itself.And one thing my daughter has is the ability to focus,goal orientation and determination to succeed.I am going to apply the outlined steps above,starting small and gradually taking on the bigger issues.I expect it will be slow and a repetative process,but I thank you for your expert advice and direction.I look forward to your informative articles and positive parental feedback,as you have pointed out so many times in many different articles "You havent done everything wrong and your situation can be redirected,dont be so hard on yourselves(parents). Thank you again.
Comment By : lilreddy
Thanks for the articles. They are a blessing! You have described our 16 yr old daughter to a T. Your articles "Empower" my to keep fighting, because she is worth the fight.
Comment By : grhayward
I would also add that it is important to model the behavior we wish to see in our kids. If we lash out in frustration at other family members when things don't go our way, then we can't expect a child to act differently. If we act one way in public, like in church or at work, then come home and drop all manners, then so will our kids. If we bite our tongue when we're mad at our boss, then surely we can bite our tongue when we're mad at home. If we haven't learned how to properly vent feelings of frustration and powerlessness (like from work), we certainly can't expect our kids to able to do so. "Do as I say, and not as I do," has never worked, and it never will. Thus, perhaps this site can also provide some resources for parents still learning how to control and manage themselves, in addition to their kids. How about it?
Comment By : MomStillLearningCalm
This article along with the other past articles has been very timely in my life. It feels like a god sent gift to me to deal with the situation and challenge I face in my life. I am so thankful for this wonderful write up and great explanation on 'accountability'. You are right as a parent I need to get a good understanding of this, practice it before I start teaching it to my son.
Comment By : Snagy
I needed to read this article and could use daily articles for support and education to parent effectively, I love my children soooooo much and have not provided them an environment of accountability on a regular basis .....ever. I have always wanted them to feel loved, however now my goal in the few short years I have left with them, they are soon to be 15 and 17, is to be as effective a parent as possible so they are successful and happy as adults! I hope it's not to late. In our family at this time neither respect rules, my oldest has continued to not follow curfews and when given consequences, which is new to her, I honestly have very rarely had a need to with my oldest daughter. She will hound me for hours daily with reasons for another chance and does not accept the consequences. My youngest daughter is very rude and disrespectful to me as well as her sister and even when she has a friend over, I recently had to send her friend home. She will even tell me I am the worst parent and never should of had children.Please keep the articles coming. Thank you
Comment By : ?clancystoby
* To ‘?clancystoby’: Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s great to read examples of the changes parents are making with the information they learn here at Empowering Parents. It takes strength and courage to acknowledge how we may have gone astray in parenting, or in anything really! I wanted to assure you that it’s not too late—it’s never too late to start parenting more effectively. You still have quite a bit of time left with your kids in your home, and just because they’ll move out one day doesn’t mean you will stop being their mother. They’ll still need you as they find their way in the world and you might even find that you will still need to set some limits with them once in a while. Check back with us every week for a brand new article and feel free to search through our archive located here. Thanks again and best wishes to you.
Comment By : Sara Bean. M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
* To ‘MomStillLearningCalm’: Thank you for your comments. You made some very valid points that we talk about all the time in our articles here at Empowering Parents. We do have many articles with tools for parents to control and manage their own emotions. They are by Debbie Pincus, our expert in this area. You can find her articles here and you can get more information on her program, the Calm Parent, by clicking here. Debbie’s articles and program give parents the tools they need to stay calm even in the most challenging parenting situations. Thanks again and take care.
Comment By : Sara Bean. M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
Wow, this article made me feel like you've been watching my household, in particular my youngest daughter and myself. Teachers, family members and other parents are in awe when I describe how my daughter is at home. She is respectful, helpful and kind in school but the complete opposite at home. At times, it seems that when I try to do 1-on-1 positive activities with her, it only makes her outbursts worst. She will say mean and hateful things to me and her siblings on a daily basis. When I tell her "no", she will push and push until she wears me out into a "yes" or pushes a button and I explode and punish her to her room. It is frustrating because my other two children (although not perfect) are well-behaved and are easily corrected. Her stubborness overpowers me daily and at times, I just don't believe I can reclaim it. Thank you for this article - it has given me some hope and confidence.
Comment By : SeeShelle
I'm so glad I got this and was able to read it.I have a 10 year old grandson that I am raising. His mother is somewhat still in the picture but hardly comes to see him .He has ADHD and I have tried so many thing to try to get him to behave at home. They tell me he is as good as gold in school. So I'm going to try some of the thing you metchen above to see if that will help me in any way. Thanks So Very Much
Comment By : Karen
My son fits this perfect! lol I see exactly what you are saying. Thank you for the suggestions. Problem is my Husband ALWAYS participates in our sons outbursts. In fact screams and thus causes our son to scream. ;( The problem is my Husband told me about this site. I know he has lost hope BUT how do I get him to see he does not need to participating with the outbursts? Don't get me wrong. My Husband and Son get along well most of the time. You see my husband is a paraplegic and my Son helps him a great deal. Its just when these outbursts happen is what doesn't help things. Thank you
Comment By : Momma
* To ‘Momma’: It’s really great to hear that you and your husband are reaching out and looking for some new solutions to help your son—I give you both a lot of credit for that. One thing to keep in mind is that it’s never too late to parent more effectively. Any parent can start today and make changes in their parenting, which is the best way to help your child change his behavior. When talking about your son’s behavior with your husband, do your best to focus on common goals. What is your goal? Do you want to present yourselves as an in-control authority? Do you want to put yourself on the same level as your child? Do you want your child to see you as his emotional peer? Do you want your son to learn effective ways to handle conflict with others? Yelling at your child shows him you are not in control and models yelling as a response to conflict. Walking away shows your child that you are in control and that he cannot have power over you by being defiant or disrespectful—which of these approaches will help you reach your common goal? Once you have an agreed upon goal then you can start to work together on how you both can respond when your son’s behavior is challenging. Here are some articles you will find helpful: Tired of Yelling at Your Child? Stop Screaming-and Start Parenting Effectively & How to Walk Away from a Fight with Your Child: Why It's Harder Than You Think. We wish you and your family luck as you work through this. Take care.
Comment By : Sara Bean. M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
enjoyed reading the article angle child or devil child. I have a son who is ADHD and have a hard time dealing with him. We go at each others necks sorta speak. Would like if you could send me the articles Tired of Yelling at Your Child also the Article Stop Screaming and Start Partening Also How to walk Away From A Fight With Your Child
Comment By : help me
Out of all the emails, this best addressed my family's problem. My daughter is the star pupil of her elementary and truly vicious the moment she enters our home. My husband and I do state our expectations. We do not engage ourselves in her screaming. We tell her we refuse to speak in uncivil tones and walk away. BUT, her outburst have been so extreme our punishments have been too extreme. We have taken items so long,a week or longer, she'll forget what we have taken from her. I will continue our calm demeanor but give exact short time limits so she does not forget her goal. We really thought the opposite, we would get her attention with no computer for 2 weeks, she just happily lived without it and still behave nastily. Short time limits, thank you.
Comment By : earplugs
Thanks for this article - I am from South Africa I have a 6year old daughter that did start school this year. Have been diagnose with ADHD and ODD at the age of 3. Her anger goes sometimes from 1 to 100. And again like you were telling us all the anger is pointed at me. How do i handle the terrible tantrums - escpeciallty late afternoon and yearly morning - she is on medication but seems not to help alot with her moodswings. another thing is the anger that goes beyond believe - she will take anything that she can pick up and she will through you with it. Sometimes these tantrums realy gets me under and i do not know how to cope with it. Please give me some advice????
Comment By : Johnson
* To ‘Johnson’: It’s so hard to deal with a kid who tantrums often, especially when throwing things or hitting is involved. It would help to talk to your daughter at a calm time to come up with a plan that will help her to calm down when she gets angry. Once you have a plan, let her know that when she gets angry you will remind her of the plan and if she tries it, she can get a reward later. The next time she has a tantrum, remind her of the plan and then walk away. Many parents find it helpful to go in another room and close the door when she follows you. Going to another room takes your attention off your daughter’s behavior and the less attention you give her tantrums, the better the chance they will fade away over time. Here is an article about tantrums and meltdowns that will give you more ideas and information: Managing the Meltdown. We wish you luck as you work through this. Take care.
Comment By : Sara Bean. M.Ed., Parental Support Advisor
this and many articles i have read have helped us so much... our child has odd, add,,bipolar and is very diffcult to deal with ...with the mother not doing the same thing as us makes it so much harder..but these articles and other parents comments help us so much.... i am so gradful for this website.. we know we r not alone and what we feelis not just us... i have a 8 yearold and a 23 year old with the same problems and it is so draining and just seems all our time is consumed by them .. we did learn from these articles that we need to do thingsd for ourselfs together and alone...and we can deal with our kids more effectivly thanks to this website and all the parents going threw the same thing..thank u so much
Comment By : pepper5
| * | Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline. |
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