Why does arguing with your child give him power? When you engage in fights with your child, over time he will begin to believe that he is your peer and that he has the power to challenge you. This is a loaded situation because your child doesn't realize that this empowerment he’s feeling isn’t real. The more powerful he thinks he is (and the more that defiant behavior gets him what he wants) the more he will use fighting as a way to solve his problems.

Does your head ever spin from all the suggestions you get about how to manage your young child’s temper tantrums or out-of-control behavior? Your in-laws tell you you’re spoiling your child, your best friend thinks you’re being too strict, and the other parents you know all seem to follow a different playbook.

We often forget that children aren’t born with a built-in sense of respect for others. While each child has a different personality, all children need to be taught to be respectful. From birth, kids learn to manipulate their world to get their needs met—this is natural. But it’s our job as parents to teach them respectful ways of doing this.

When you have an oversensitive child with a hair trigger temper, it really puts you—and other family members—on edge. You begin to tip toe around him or her; you feel like you can’t be direct for fear of causing an angry, explosive response. You also start to feel responsible for your kid’s behavior and “take the blame.” Parents often begin to do more enabling behaviors like giving in and making things easier on touchy, easily-angered kids. But in the long run, it’s important to realize that this response isn’t helpful to them or you.

James Lehman did not have a life that could be called “usual.” His parents were alcoholics who abandoned him when he was still a baby, leaving him in his crib wearing nothing but a diaper. He was discovered by their landlord, but James was so sick he nearly died. The landlord’s son and his wife decided to adopt him and raise him as their own. Thinking they were unable to have children, they went on to adopt another boy, but then ended up having two more biological sons. James never quite felt like he fit in, and he began to act out at home and school.

Do you feel like your teen tunes you out—or just plain ignores you—any time you make a request or try to have a real conversation? If you’re feeling this way, it’s probably not your imagination. This is a weapon adolescents have in their arsenal, and many use it to manipulate their parents passive-aggressively. Keep in mind that it’s not always intentional. Some kids are easily distracted or can only focus on one thing at a time—they really can’t communicate while concentrating on something else. But many kids ignore their parents to manipulate them. Instead of “acting out” they’re “acting in.” They might be angry or want you to leave them alone. Instead of yelling, “Stop bothering me!” they simply tune you out. The question is, what can you do about it?

What causes bad behavior in kids? James Lehman says it happens because children don’t yet know how to solve problems effectively. To put it another way, they’re trying to handle many of the situations that life throws at them by acting out. They do this, frankly, because it’s working for them. But here’s the truth: If you don’t find out what problem your child is trying to solve with his behavior and offer him a new solution, the acting out will most likely continue—or even get worse over time.

Why are your child’s “triggers” so important to be aware of when it comes to losing your temper, or your kids acting out? Many parents I talk to on the Parental Support Line are mystified by their child’s behavior. They feel like they’re walking through a minefield at home—where something, anything, could set their child off at any moment. This is an incredibly tough feeling for parents to deal with, and many feel at a loss about how to stop it; as a result, they feel defeated and hopeless. However, it is possible to turn things around.

Do you find yourself saying things to your child during an argument without even thinking about it? Let’s face it, it’s almost impossible to be detached or objective when your child is in your face fighting with you. And naturally, it feels like a personal attack when he’s saying rude things or calling you names.

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably been there: your child says or does something that pushes your buttons, and the next thing you know, you’re yelling at the top of your lungs—and she’s responding in kind. Afterward, you feel drained, upset and frustrated and wonder why it always has to come down to a screaming match. Janet Lehman, MSW, explains how you can move from being “The Screamer” parent to one who communicates effectively.

Many parents wonder what the difference is between a bribe and a reward. After all, in both instances, your child is getting something for doing what you want him to do. But when is this helpful in teachinghim better behavior, and when is it harmful? Parental Support Line Advisor, Erin Schlicher explains.

My son, Jeremy, and I would like to thank all of you who have written such beautiful stories about how my husband, James Lehman, and The Total Transformation Program have made a positive difference in your lives. I, too, am a social worker. James and I both felt that it is a beautiful thing to be able to help others…and boy, he certainly did.

Have you sent your acting-out, verbally abusive or behaviorally-disordered child to counseling, only to find that it didn’t improve his behavior at all? Or maybe counseling worked for awhile, but then your child fell back into the same old patterns of behavior. Counseling for kids can be effective and helpful, but not all counseling is the same. We sat down with James Lehman to hear what he had to say about finding the right type of counseling for your child—and the kind of training parents need to become the “agents of change” in their families.

There are times when your authority as a parent isn’t enough. If your adolescent has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property—or if he is engaging in risky or dangerous behavior outside the house—you already know you need help. Calling the police on your child poses a risk that you might not be willing to take, but it’s an option you might want to consider. James Lehman tackles this tough subject in a frank one-on-one interview.