If you are the target of parental abuse, you’re probably living in fear every day of what your teen will do next, always waiting for what will set off a volcanic eruption.

Parental abuse occurs when a child — usually a teenager but sometimes a pre-teen — engages in behavior that is abusive toward a parent.

It may be a one-time incident or it may escalate in frequency, even to the point of a daily occurrence.

It can range from verbal abuse (for example, swearing at or threatening a parent) to intimidation to outright physical assault.

And although parental abuse is often associated with explosive anger and rage, the abusive behavior may occur with no emotion: a quiet, deliberate act of harm used by a teen to maintain power over a parent. 

Living in Fear

Parental abuse can leave a person feeling embarrassed, ashamed, angry, terrified, and unsure of what to do. These are feelings that we call “parent paralyzers,” feelings so intense that they overtake logic and reason and leave us questioning ourselves and trapped in uncertainty about what direction to take.

If you’re in this situation with your child, know that you are not alone and that you are not different in some way. We see abuse happen in every type of family—it doesn’t matter how much money you make or your background. This type of abuse could happen in any family.

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Jennifer’s Story

Jennifer’s son began hitting her when he was 14 years old. “I just didn’t know what to do,” she told us. “If anyone else had hit me, I would have called the police. But this was my son!”

“I didn’t want him arrested but I wanted the abuse to stop. I was ashamed to admit to my family what was going on and I knew they would take action, even if I didn’t. The situation was intolerable but I couldn’t take action. I felt trapped, as if I was in a car without brakes.”

Is My Child’s Behavior Abusive?

If your child or teen is harming you physically, you are being abused. It’s that plain and simple.

One man raising his granddaughter admitted, “I knew her behavior was unacceptable; she would throw things whenever she got mad and one time she hit me in the chest with an ashtray. After that, she started throwing things with the intention of hitting me. I just never thought of it as abusive.”

No one wants to believe their child could be abusive. Emotion can “muddy the waters,” make us question whether or not things are as “bad” as our gut tells us they are.

Ask yourself: if your child was anyone else — a neighbor, a co-worker — would you consider his or her actions to be assault or abusive? This will help you take the emotion out of evaluating a situation.

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Warning Signs of Parental Abuse

Sometimes a situation escalates without us even realizing it. The following are some potential warning signs that a child’s behavior is bordering on abusive:

1. Feeling Intimidated

It’s normal to feel your child is pushing boundaries to get what he wants. Kids will ask over and over for something they want, until a parent can finally snap, “I told you no!”

What’s not typical is to feel that if you don’t give your child what she wants, she will retaliate in a way that is harmful to you. Intimidation is a way of frightening someone else into doing something. It may be the words, the tone of voice, or even just a look.

2. Extreme Defiance

Yes, kids can be defiant, even your typical child. But when it reaches a point that your child has no respect for your authority as a parent, outright defying the rules of your home with no fear or concern of consequences, it’s a potential sign of escalation. Many kids can be defiant without violence; however, extreme oppositional behavior can be part of a more serious picture.

3. An Escalating Pattern of Violence

Kids get angry, slam doors, throw things in a fit on the floor in their room. You can probably remember a time when you were growing up that you got mad and smashed something. But you learned that this behavior didn’t get you what you wanted and – in fact – may result in you having to re-buy things you valued.

But when a child or teen’s behavior continues to escalate to the point of destroying property, punching walls, shoving, hitting things near you, throwing things that “almost” hit you, making verbal threats, or violating your personal boundaries (“getting in your space”), this is a pattern that may indicate abusive behavior.

Why Is My Teen Abusive?

When a child or teen turns abusive, it’s natural to ask “Why?” Many parents feel guilty, blaming themselves for their teen’s behavior: “If I was a better parent, my child wouldn’t be acting this way.”

The truth is, there can be several underlying factors contributing to parental abuse including poor boundaries, substance abuse (by either a parent or child), poor coping skills, underlying psychological conditions (such as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder) and learned behavior. Some kids behave violently due to poor coping skills. Others are more deliberate and enjoy the power that comes from intimidating a parent.

Remember: we can try to understand what’s going on in any situation, but there is no excuse or rationale for abusive behavior.

Responding to Parental Abuse

Aggressive and abusive behavior is not a part of typical childhood or adolescence. It’s not a stage that your teen will “grow out of” if you ignore it. If you’re dealing with parental abuse in your home, your child is violating the rights of others. It doesn’t matter that it’s his parent’s rights; that doesn’t make it any less serious or illegal. Your home is the place where your child will learn how to interact in the world. He is learning what’s acceptable — and what’s not. He’s learning about consequences for behavior and accountability.

One of the hardest tasks a parent can be faced with is responding to their own child’s aggression or abuse. It’s natural to feel torn. On one hand, it’s instinctual to protect your child. On the other hand, nothing can push a parent’s buttons of anger, disappointment, and hurt like a child’s abusive behavior. Some days you may feel emotionally stronger than others. Only you can decide what you’re able to follow through with at any given time. Here are some suggestions:

1. Clearly Communicate Boundaries

Make sure your child understands your physical and emotional boundaries. You may need to clearly state:

“It’s not okay to yell or push or hit me.”

If you’ve said this to your child in the past, but allowed her to cross those boundaries in the past without consequence, she’s gotten mixed messages. Your words have told her one set of boundaries but your actions (by accepting being yelled at or hit) have communicated another set of boundaries.

Make sure your non-verbal communication (what you do) matches your verbal communication (what you say).

2. Clearly Communicate Consequences For Abusive Behavior

Tell your teen:

“If you hit me, throw something at me, or otherwise hurt me physically, that’s called domestic violence and assault. Even though I love you, I will call the police and you will be held accountable for your behavior.” 

Then – again – make sure your actions match your words. If you don’t think you can follow through with contacting the police – don’t say you will. This will only reinforce to your child that you make “threats” that won’t be carried out.

You may choose to provide other consequences, other than legal, that you enforce. If a friend physically assaulted you, would you let her borrow your car or give her spending money the next day? Probably not.

3. Contact the Authorities

We don’t say this lightly or without understanding how difficult this can be for a parent. Some parents are outraged at a teen’s abusive behavior and react: “I’ve got no problem calling the cops on my kid if he ever raises a hand to me!” Other parents struggle, worrying about the long term consequences of contacting the police or unable to handle the thought of their child facing charges.

Remember, if your teen is behaving violently toward you now, there is the risk that this will generalize to his future relationships with a spouse, his own children, or other members of society. You are not doing him a favor by allowing him to engage in this behavior without consequence.

Related content: When to Call the Police on Your Child

4. Get Support

Parental abuse is a form of domestic violence. It’s a serious issue and needs immediate attention and intervention. Domestic violence has traditionally been characterized by silence. As hard as it is, break that silence. Get support from family or friends – anyone you think will be supportive.

If your natural supports tend to judge you and you’re afraid it will only make the situation worse, contact a local domestic violence hotline, counselor, or support group. For support and resources in your community, you can also call 2-1-1 or visit 211.org, a free and confidential service through the United Way.

The road to a healthier relationship with your child will very likely take time. There’s no shortcut or quick fix. It starts with an acknowledgment of the issue and accountability. If you’re facing this issue in your family, we wish you strength and empowerment.

Related content: Police intervention worksheet for parents of defiant youth

About and

Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.

Comments (114)
  • Glen from Queensland

    Hi Guys

    Reading all your comments is really heart breaking

    Me my wife have a 18 year old son and two younger children

    The 18 year old is very very violent I work away and seems to think it’s ok to physically and emotionally abuse my wife especially while I work away police have been called plenty of times he’s thrown me through a wall bruised my wife am I thinking straight is it time to to put a DV order in place we don’t want a broken family but definitely want my wife living in hell and fear

  • Kylie from Tassie

    Thank you for a detailed and insightful post. It's rare that we hear about parental abuse, but it definitely exists.

    One thing that has really helped us is learning about pathological demand avoidance, which particularly seems to affect a subset of kids and teens with autism. Learning about PDA and how to manage it has made a difference to the level of parental abuse happening in our home (and especially abuse at school).

    Thanks again.

    • Alison Scott
      Thank you for mentioning PDA - never heard about it until now, just looked it up - this perfectly describes my very high-functioning autistic 15-yr old Son. Behavior getting out-of-control, am getting educated--finally. Thank you so much.
  • Mum done in
    It's so hard. I am pushed, hit, punched, clawed on the daily. Everyone expects me to just handle it because my son has Autism. He is almost 9 but the size of an adult(almost 5ft and over 100lbs). His meltdowns, defiance and verbal abuse are breaking me. I don't knowMore what to do next. He targets me and his siblings. His father and grandparents are untouched and especially his grandmother is idolized. It makes me want to give up. No matter how hard I try it is never enough.
  • ConcernedGrandaughter
    My grandma was the legal guardian of this boy up until he was 18 now he is 19 he is destructive punching holes in the wall breaking things and he is verbally and mentally abusive he constantly puts her down swears at her calls her name threatens her andMore he has hit her and this is only the stuff he does in front of me my grandma says he is worse when i’m not there. He smokes a lot of weed and he has my grandma pay for it and he gaslights her into thinking she doesn’t have to even though if she doesn’t he throws a fit and yells, breaks things, and threatens my grandma is terrified of him but she doesn’t call the police. Recently he slapped me in my face because he was angry and i called the police even though my grandma didn’t want me to when the police arrived my grandma sent them away and said wrong adress and they had to call me back this really upset me because she is defending his poor behavior. i feel like she blames herself for how he is and i want her to stop defending him but i don’t know how i’m trying to convince her to call a hotline and ask for help but she is refusing. I don’t want to see my grandma so unhappy when she can be doing something about it
  • Mum on the edge
    My daughter has just turned 20, she had a rubbish bf For years, who we tried to tell her, but led to arguments, so was a no win situation, I didn’t know what was best to do, as I didn’t want to push her away, he even smashed our window,More and her dads van window twice, her dad doesn’t speak to her because she was telling us she wasn’t with him, that’s why he was doing it, but continued to speak to him, I have tried so hard to keep the peace, but she doesn’t care, and very selfish, this was at the start of pandemic, she caused murder where we had to call police twice in her, she just came back shouting again, and because what was going on, I had no choice to let her stay or go to a hostel, she works and otherwise has a nice life, but blames me and her dad whenever something goes wrong for her, she has a 15 yr brother and 7yr old sister as well, so when she kicks off, they obvs get upset, I can’t cope no more, she’s come home this morn after being out for 2 days, and because she’s argued with her mate, she’s come here, and we’ve got to deal with the come down, it’s not fair one bit, I need her to go somewhere that she can’t keep coming bk, cos she doesn’t care, and will be outside screaming till we let her in, I’m at my wits end, spoke to a woman today, and because of her age, she has to refer herself, she did speak to the woman but got angry and put the phone down, so no further forward, said I can take her to A&E but what will they do to help me? she’s currently in her room going to sleep, she will get up like nothing happened, while we’re still upset, where can I go to get help now, police will just keep her for a bit, then let her go, and then she’s bacj here till next time she decides she’s unhappy, she doesn’t care about the upset she’s causing at home, and I’m concerned for my other kids, they don’t need to see any of this, but she keeps doing it, without a care, mum at her wits end
    • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach

      I can understand your distress. The transition from minor to adult can be a rough one, for both the parent and the child. We have several articles that focus on adult children living at home you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/.

      Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. Take care.

  • Jfk
    My daughter 13 throws things says hates me . Only nice if wants something
  • Advice Please.

    My 17 yr old son used to be very abusive toward myself and husband. It’s gonna much better since the summer, but still doesn’t listen and

    switches his flip over the slightest things. I am frightened it’s going to happen again, but i know if i call the police there isn’t much they can do unless someone’s badly injured. But I always take pictures of bruises on face, arms. As well as video. Do you think they would hold him for that?

    • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach

      Hi, Haley. The best way to answer that question is to talk with the police directly. You can call them on their business/non-emergency line and speak with someone about how they would respond to the behavior and/or photos.

      WE appreciate you reaching out and being part of our Empowering Parents community. Take care.

  • Confused Mom
    My daughter is 8 yrs old and has ADHD and ODD. Over the past year she has become very abusive to me and her dad. She is very verbally abusive to us you oth but the confusing part is that she is only physically abusive to me. I have beenMore slapped, kicked, pinched, punched and even bitten. I have been trying very hard to change things at home but it is easier said than done. Her behavior is also only at home or in public but not at school (unless it is the end of the day and she is in my room, i am a teacher at her school) i do not know what to do!
  • Have been told by law enforcement how a police report on abuse is "just a piece of paper"
    My 15 year old son has been abusive since he is 11 years old. Back in the days only towards me and his younger sister, the police was involved plenty of times, he was taken a few times and released after a day, I still remember the first time theyMore arrested him for hitting me. I honestly thought I was finally gonna be able to reach some help for him. But no. Next day juvenile just said come and pick him up. I was shocked, scared and my brain just couldn't cope anymore with the fact that I had to deal with the abuse my self... i gave up. And the moment he started not showing up to school, not coming home in days, I decided to say something and the abuse again. Again the police was involved, he was arrested, went to pick him up or I was actually gonna be accused for neglect of a child... that same day with the child door lock took him straight to his dad, from Las Vegas to California over 5 hours non stop.. I still remember praying that I didn't ran out of gas or anything so that I didn't have to stop the car or he would hit me and just run. 15 days there with his dad he now stared been violent towards him, completely careless, he knew that nothing could be done. As a matter of fact he wasn't even arrested in California for punching and biting his dad. He left the house. Hes out the in the streets or friends who knows. I honestly dont know what I'm going to do when he is back I'm out of options.
  • clairhugo
    My 17 year old son has had a history of problems since he was in kindergarten. He hit a child in the playground and got suspended in kindergarten for that. Anyway the elementary school said I had to do something or they would have to take other measures.More Anyway I took him to the Dr. in the second grade and the doctor just said it is ADHD so we will medicate him and he should be fine. Now to the tune of years later he has been in more trouble than he can count fingers and toes. He took his self off his ADHD (vyvanse 30 mg) 2 months ago and has been a nightmare. He has not only been suspended from school 2 times this year and 1 time last year he has done doughnuts in the parking lot a school and slung rocks on a girl's car and bust out her window and mirror and hit kids with the rocks. Anyway took my car keys and was gone till 5 am and then took my daughters keys and was out till 3 am, he has threatened my husband to crack his face on multiple occasions and has even hit my husband in the eye a few nights ago. He defies authority at school and refuses to do what they say and I am just not sure what he will do next. We have called the police a few times and they have talked to him. I love him so much and only want to do what I should do to help him without a paper trail b/c I work at a law office and I know that it is something that is hard to get out of once you start that trail. I am not sure what to do next but according to the hospital I can have the ems pick him up if he is threatening himself or others and they will restrain him and take him to the hospital for an evaluation. He needs some kind of evaluation to see what kind of mental problem he has going on. Please let me know what you think and thank you for listening.
  • Bluephoenix
    Hello, I have a 16 year old daughter that processes her emotions differently then other children. She has always been high spirted. And my family and I have handled her many mood swings to the best of our ability. We talk to her and are very patient with her. SheMore has used vulgar language towards her father and I. Refuses to go to school sometimes and recently put her hands on me. I refuse to get the police involved they will only make the situation worse. I have alot of family support and with out that I would be lost. I want whats best for her and a bright future awaits her. She really is a sweet girl but feel she is lost to outside influences. She refuses to go to counseling. The school is concerned now that she has missed so many days of school. We can not allow her to keep this up. Any suggestions in what we should do without the state interfering.
  • Ms. Tree
    I'm afraid of my adult son. He abuses pills and street drug and is already schizophrenic and drug abuse makes it worse. I'm raising his son who is non-verbal autistic. I've had him since birth and he is 6 now. A beautiful, set child. I also helped raise his otherMore two who are now grown. I've tried to get him to leave, even gave him a car to go in. My husband won't do anything about it. I'll have to get police intervention which is my last resort. My son doesn't see anything wrong with his actions and blames me for everything. The truth is I've done too much to help him and I've created a monster. I've learned you can not help anyone if they won't help themselves. There will always be something you DIDN'T do. Enough is never enough. He is a taker and a user and contributes nothing to this family. He only takes away. He steals my happy every day and ruined my life. That's hard to say because I still love him very much. If he were to take my last breath, I would use that breath to tell him I love him and forgive him. But love can't get in the way of mine and my grandsons well being. He has to go.
  • mumjka
    My 16 year old son and I got into a physical altercation. He choked me and even tried to poke my eye out! he left me with a black eye and many bruises. I've tought my son that is never okay to get aggressive with a woman but that hasn'tMore stopped him. My heart is breaking because I'm pressing charges. I'm afraid that he is going to hate me forever, but what other choices do I have? If I do not stand up for myself then I know it will only get worse. I can only hope that he somehow will get the help he needs and one day realize he was in the wrong. I will always love him even if its from a distance.
  • Scott C
    I'm reading the comments and my heart aches. I have been there a few years ago. The total transformation works, but you have to work at it. It's not a magic pill. It takes practice, messing up, finding out where it went awry and starting a renewed path. Use theirMore help line. My son is autistic and there are still moments but it's much improved. It's a journey. I will say that in my situation the meds were a lot of the problem. He was on too many. The amphetamine was the worst. My son was in the mental hospital twice. Each time there was improvement but the last time was a miracle. That's when they got him off the amphetamine. I didn't use the police but I took him to the mental hospital instead based on a psychiatrist. When you're going through this and your kid is out of control and you're following the total transformation plan correctly.. Meaning you're setting boundaries, ensuring they understand and following through it can cause you to feel lost and alone when it doesn't seem to be working. You're not alone. Strength comes through understanding and confidence comes through knowledge. My child was abusive and although it was not easy or free, the system of you hit you're in the mental hospital was the most effective as it was help, med eval and therapy and he couldn't get out until he proved himself to the docs. They could put him in there for months & he's have to repeat a grade. When he came home there were renewed rules, changes to environment, limits on internet & no games cell phone or even tv unless he earned it. If he regressed he lost privileges for an extra day. If he was great for a week he earned more leeway. Doors were removed from his room. He had chores. Didn't do them? No privileges. Your mileage might vary. It's complex and takes thinking and most docs are worthless to be honest. if there's abuse they need to be removed from the home. If they're over 20 yrs old then that's a story of setting a date for them to move out.
  • At the end of my rope!
    My son is 11 years old. If he is told to do something or he has to Stop doing something he gets extremely angry and starts screaming and punching stuff and throwing things and even hits me, scratches me, tries to bite sometimes and kicks. He's threatened mine and myMore fiance's life. He's gone after my fiance with a spade shovel and just 2 days ago kicked him in the balls because he couldn't handle the fact that bed time was at 10:30 and not 11... usually when these things happen it's when we're enforcing our rules and asking him to Do something or not do something. Usually pretty simple stuff sets him off and he gets extremely verbally abusive (swearing, calling names and saying he's going to kill one of us), and physically as well. His father is forcing me to keep him at my house even after I call to tell him how he abused me or my fiance. I've told him numerous times I can't control my son and want to lessen my visits with him, but he tries to force me to keep him and deal with the abuse and tells me to step up and be a mother. But I can't... my son runs this household in fear. Everyone's afraid to say anything to him or discipline him in any way. I don't know what to do anymore and I need to figure out how I can stop his father from forcing me to have him when I don't feel safe while he's in my home! I have 2 other children whom also have to see these fits and the abuse. I don't want to give up on my son, but I can't continue to live like this either!
    • Scott C
      I'm not a therapist but you might want to look at it from his perspective. A lot of tension and bouncing him around. A new man who has replaced his father and him. He might need to be understood and listened to without judgement. He probably feels stuck in theMore middle. Stabilityb is key and showing him trust and if possible you working with his father together to show him you will always be there. If you aren't married you might need to spend some time with him alone. Just my opinion but all you'vev described is acting out and your son is telling you what's wrong but you need to teach him he's important, he matters to you, he's not being replaced and teach him how to say what's on his mind with words not with violence or hitting. I'm not a therapist and you should get some help with a professional to work with youb and hi I've got the fiancee is the trigger here
  • Jodi

    Thank you so much,I have gotten your newsletter for a while,and find it helpful,the articles I read from you Tonite

    Helped me know that I am not alone.I can't wait to order your program.thank you!

    • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach
      Hi, Jodi. We're glad you're part of our Empowering Parents community. Did you know that we now offer the Total Transformation as a subscription? You can find out more about how that works here: Total Transformation subscription.
  • ida
    i am 40 years old , a single mother. My son is 20 years old and he is abusing me verbally and physically, because he want a car which i can not afford. Im really shaky and scared. i cant call the police because i am worried about hisMore future but i shake when i go home because i dont know what to expect. I have brought him up to the best of my knowledge and i have tried my best for him to have what he needs. I've loved him dearly. I understand im not perfect but i have tried. I cannot turn to my family because they will blame me for spoiling him. I dont know what to do. He even threatens that the worse is to come. Im really scared and ashamed. Please advice please
  • Frustrated Mom
    I've just read through all 103 submissions on your website. We, too, have an 11 yr. old daughter w/ ODD tendencies (hasn't received the official diagnosis..yet). We have been working w/ a new therapist for 1.5 months. I told (& showed) her my black-&-blue mark on myMore arm from my child taking her cell phone & hitting my arm 3x forcefully all b/c I requested that she do something that he did not "feel like" doing. The therapist's suggestion was to call the police if/when she assaults me again. I understand the notion of contacting the police before things escalate as the author/coach discusses, but from what I am reading...law enforcement has not been a very effective measure in times of crisis & thus, our defiant children will only gain more control/power. So, I ask, where should we be turning to for support in the event assault occurs?? I just pray that our daughter continues to attend therapy (though is now refusing b/c we are stepping it up to wkly. sessions due to her out-of control behavior). I would appreciate some feedback on this issue as I, too, see law enforcement, Children & Youth Services & the mental health system as a whole, a broken chain in general.
    • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach
      Hi, Melanie. You bring up an excellent point. Sometimes the response you get when you call the police isn't as helpful as it could be. That's why we recommend contacting the police before another situation occurs to talk with someone about how they may be able to support you andMore your family. There's a great worksheet you can review in the article How to Talk to Police When Your Child is Physically Abusive. We appreciate you sharing your story.Take care.
      • L
        The police do nothing because he is a minor they tell you to contact someone else..therapist he wont go..take to hospital for evaluation my son has been through 4 programs. Even when pulled a knife on my daughter. Your advise is worthless
  • Mom of a high functioning autistic teen
    Calling the police does not always work. My boy has been arrested several times. The police take him in handcuffs out of my house, to an alternative center at Juvenile detention. There, a kind woman talks to him, gives him food to eat and lets him watch TV while sheMore calls me to pick him up. He goes to court a month or so later, is put on probation, and NOTHING HAPPENS! There is no change.
    • L
      I agree!! They wont even srrest my son because his a minor
  • Sue
    I’m 57 mother with spine diseas. My 32 son has been on meth about 7years. Has wife and two children. We spent at least 30,000. On them with cars ,rent , groceries clothes for kids and beds. He kept loosing his jobs, eviction, repossess etc. February shows up again noMore home, car job so I said they could stay as long as no drugs to get on feet. April he cusses me out with everything he got blames me for life failures. In front 5 an 7 year old grandkids. I told him get out . He said he didn’t have to and there was nothing I could do about it. We ask police he is right squatters law. I had go courthouses 8 times pay 400.00 to evict him but had wait 75 day. I got cussed out few more times then 2 days before sheriff evict. I as what would it take to get you out before police show up he said air conditioner and frigerator. When I got home he had a truck an trailer loaded with tarp over trailer. Started truck up I got in passenger side ask him sign he giving squatter right up for two items I bought. He said he wasn’t signing anything got out open my door put arms around me pulled me out shoved me on my hood. I step on bumper sat in back of truck pleaded with him tell me why he put truck in reverse slammed me back an forth I had blood from arm scrap. He said I’m going count 10 if your not out I’m going sling you out on road at 5 I got out. One month later his boss ask me come son house he not there supposed be doing chicken houses. I got there ask his wife get out bed and where was he. She didn’t know. He came squealing in told her get ass in car. I ask what is wrong he brought wrench over where we were screaming yal want know my personal business I’ll just take all yal out. I tried spray him with pepper spray I had on neck band after last assault but missed he grabbed it, shoved me to ground and when get something out truck I was afraid and called 911 while I was begging for help on ground he came over stomped my phone. He rock off running and when 3 police cars and dog showed up he walked down driveway like nothing happened officer handcuffed him. Took pictures my elbows and knee bleeding. I think he ran to get rid of drugs. His wife called her mother from out state to come get her an kids. She mad at me for calling police she used to his violence. It took several trips but I got restraining order for a year. Now I have 2 locks bedroom and 3 on each door. I got my gun license and carry 25 where ever I go except to sleep. He in jail charge 2 counts. I’m overwhelmed loosing my grandsons and son but also scared when he gets out. I feel bad locking him up but I thought he was going to kill us. God I’m so depressed feel guilt and afraid. Don’t know what to do anymore. Spinal disease limits mobility. I feel like life in a box.
  • Cindy
    We have an 18 year old son who is verbally and physically abusive to us. He disrespects us as parents and it does not take much for him to scream at us and destroy items in our home and property. Anything can set him off including minor things. He hasMore a sense of entitlement and feels he can do whatever he wants. We had called the police several times and the situation was temporarily diffused. We had tried several therapists and life coaches when he was minor. He refuses to seek help and insists nothing will help. We have provided a loving and safe environment and are confused as to what went wrong. We fear for ourselves and what may happen to him.
  • Elida
    Today was the first time my 25 yrs old daughter ever hit me, Iam 52 yrs old. My heart aches, I feel very sad, I never thought my daughter will do something like this, Iam in shock.. I want to hate her but I can't, I can't called the policeMore but didn't press charges because of my grandson. I told her she was dead to me, to never come back to my house, I will always miss my grandson.
    • Scott C
      If she hit you what makes you think she won't hit your grandson?
  • Janine
    My son is 13 diagnosed bipolar and autism he's on 5 meds. I am so alone. He verbally attacks me, intimidates me and physically hits me. I have sacrificed so much getting him a psychiatrist, in home therapist and behavioral assistant but I rarely have a day where I amMore not cowering in a corner. I am lost
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I’m so sorry to hear about the aggression and verbal abuse you are currently experiencing from your son. I’m glad that you’re here reaching out for support, in addition to working with professionals in your area. It could be useful at this point to develop a plan withMore your son’s treatment team which outlines what you can do to keep yourself safe if your son starts to become abusive toward you. You might find some additional tips in Scared of Your Defiant Child? Learn How to Get Back Your Parental Control. I recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you and your son all the best moving forward. Take care.
  • liaquat ali

    Dear Sir

    I am a senior citizen and a father of 4 sons and a daughter. Mentally I am shattered with the

    behavior of my 25 years old daughter. In the past she hit me 2 times and drop me down on the

    living room floor. As a father, I put up with this insult, but now she is getting more abusive vebally

    & physically. I am a heart patient & with such behavior, it is putting more mental stress and pressure

    on my health and safety. Please help. God bless you.

    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      Thank you for writing in, and I’m so sorry to hear about the abusive behavior you are experiencing with your daughter. You deserve to be safe and free from abuse, both verbal and physical, and I’m glad that you’re reaching out for support. Because your daughter isMore an adult, anything you choose to provide to her is considered a privilege, not a right. This includes having a place to live. While ultimately the choice of whether to tell your daughter to leave is yours, it is an option available to you. In the meantime, I encourage you to reach out to local resources as outlined in the article above to help you develop a plan to stay safe. One option for you might be contacting the 211 Helpline at 1-800-273-6222. 211 is a service which connects people with resources available in their community. I recognize what a tough situation this must be for you, and I wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
  • Jasmeen
    My son is 17 year old and he hit and using bad word for me ! I can call police but I am feel embrace to tell this to other ! Today he beat me and I can't do anything ! As a single mother I do all whatMore parent can do for child ! Now enough to handle this ! Please advice me !
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I hear you. It not only hurts when your child is treating you this way, it can also be embarrassing to disclose what is happening. In the end, you are the only one who can make the choice of what you feel comfortable doing when your son isMore treating you abusively. I encourage you to keep in mind, though, that nothing changes if nothing changes. If you are considering contacting the police for help, I encourage you to call on the non-emergency line during a calm time to discuss how they might be able to help you. We have a free downloadable worksheet which can help to guide this conversation, which you can find HERE. I recognize what a tough situation this must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
  • Michelle R

    As a single mum of a 17 yr old teen boy I have tried I think everything. This is the first time I've sought help on the net from others in similar situations. I do feel very isolated and live in fear and think it may be good to hear and talk to others in the same horrible situation.

    I have had my son arrested twice for assaulting me the first when he was 11 yrs. He went through the system did all that was required and was spat out the other end without follow up. This is on both occasions and still I am calling the police when he smashes things or gets physical with me or his sister.

    The physiological assessment outcome suggested he see a physiologist . But then I had to battle with 9 mths with Cyfs for him. to actually start sessions. He attended most for approx 5 mths. He seemed to get better then that finished file closed .

    Now he is under Mentel health for attempting suicide in Feb 17.

    I'm trying to get a report from the physiologist he engaged with but am told Cyfs didn't require one so no report was done for my son. Who knows what the sessions he attended involved were there any recommendations was there a diagnosis . Absolutely hopeless and still I live with my son who does not attend school course or work and abuses me when he carnt get his way. I should also add is addicted to the internet to the point steals my credit / Visa cards to pay for the internet without my authority.

    I see his nasty behaviour coming out now on his girlfriend . In a few years time I see him in jail., because I believe we didn't get the right support right back when he was 11.

    I do hope this is not the future I see for him but I out of options.

  • Nicki

    My 12 year old daughter is hitting and kicking me.

    She does this when she doesn't get her own way and thinks that she can do what she wants when she wants

  • Melinda D
    My 15 year old daughter on separate occasions-choked me, gave me a black eye, and bruised my wrist so badly-I went to the hospital to make sure it wasn't broken. When I called the police on two separate occasions, the police said they didn't see it, so there wasMore nothing they could do! Is this common practice in NYS? I put her into counseling for over a year and she refuses to now go! I really don't feel as if I have any rights as a parent.
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I’m so sorry to hear about the abusive way your daughter has treated you, as well as the response you got from law enforcement. Because laws vary so much among communities, sometimes the police are not able to offer as much support as might be desired. Sometimes, itMore can be helpful to call the police on the nonemergency line during a calm time, and ask about the kind of support they might be able to provide if your daughter attacks you again. We have a downloadable template available which can help to guide this conversation. In addition, you might also consider seeking out other resources which might be able to help you address this behavior, as outlined in the article above. Even if your daughter is refusing to go to counseling, it could still be useful for you to get some support and learn some strategies to handle these abusive outbursts. If you are not currently working with anyone, you might consider contacting the 211 Helpline at 1-800-273-6222. I can only imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.
  • Debbi
    My 14 year old son has ADHD, ODD, and a mood disorder, he's on medication, but it doesn't work the way I wish it did. He started hitting me at the age of 11. He has no respect for me at all, I just don't know what to do..
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I’m sorry to hear about the ongoing behavior issues you have been experiencing with your son over the past few years, and I’m glad that you’re here reaching out for support. I’m also glad to see that you have been working with local supports, such as your son’s doctor,More to help you manage his behavior. It could also be beneficial at this point to work with your son during a calm time to help him develop more appropriate coping skills than hitting you or becoming violent. You might find some useful techniques in When Kids Get Violent: “There’s No Excuse for Abuse”. Please be sure to check back and let us know how things are going for you and your son. Take care.
  • Daya
    I'm writing this to calm myself down after my mother just told me my 15 year old sister hit her in the head with an instrument. I'm so angry right now and tired of hearing this wondering why the Connecticut government is so slack. They won't do anything unless someoneMore is critically hurt. My mother was the one who reported my sister, yet she was blamed for her behavior! My mother has to hide knives, and try her best not to say a word to her or it'll be like "bitch" and "whore." She's told me, when we were in good terms, that hated my mother. When asked why; She couldn't give me a good reason. My mother is a single mom and she got way better treatment than my older sisters and me. My mother says if she doesn't succeed in hitting her, she throws rocks at my mother's car. What can she do?
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I am sorry to hear about the way that your sister is treating your mother. Your mother has a right to be safe from abuse, and it’s great that you are seeking out resources for her. More Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. Another resource which might be more useful to you is the Boys Town National Hotline, which you can reach by calling 1-800-448-3000, 24/7. They have trained counselors who talk with kids, teens and young adults everyday about issues they are facing, and they can help you to look at your options and come up with a plan. They also have options to communicate via text, email, and live chat which you can find on their website, YourLifeYourVoice.org We wish you the best going forward. Take care.
  • Caracachicamos
    Hi my name is John Doe . My child is 8 years old I've being beat up by my son since he was 3 years old now he's getting worse he punched me let me Unconscious . Thanks to some one that saw what happen 'n called anMore ambulance .my child has autism adhd . Any hope for me please help
    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I’m so sorry to hear about the violence and abusive behavior you are experiencing from your son right now. I’m glad that you’re here reaching out for support. As outlined in the article above, I encourage you to work with local supports to help you address your son’sMore behavior, and keep yourself safe from abuse. For example, you might talk with your son’s doctor or other members of his treatment team to help you develop strategies for his violence. If you are not currently working with anyone, you might consider contacting the 211 Helpline at 1-800-273-6222. 211 is a service which connects people with available local supports in their community, such as counselors, behavioral services and support groups. I recognize what a tough situation this must be for you right now, and I wish you and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
  • Mary
    I just want peace. My son gets violent, both verbally and physically. Some say it will get better. He is 16 1/2. I don't see it.
  • Mum needs help badly
    I know this is about teens but my child is 6 he's been hitting me since he was 4 me and my 6 year old were beaten by the youngest father I've had black eyes and split lips bruises bit Marks to point I bleed I don't know what toMore do
  • I want to be free

    I am not the same person and I feel bitter and jealous of people with healthy children that are good to them. I'm

    Tired of crying and ashamed I have a monster for a son that likes trouble and drugs and drama.

    • Brenda
      Wow I truly thought I was all alone with this. Most people think of me as happy but shy and loveable. They dont know what I come home too. My son is 24 now and wont leave. I feel threatened ever day
    • Kb
      Hang in there. It gets somewhat better as your son matures. Praying for y'all.
      • Barbara
        Sorry to tell you this but my daughter is now 45 and still abusing me. Many people said she would grow out of it when she turned 30. She left home at 16 but has continued stealing from me, abusing me, belittling me, manipulating me into giving her money forMore her debts which she then spends on her cats or on having a good time. I saved her from bankruptcy 8 years ago only to get herself in financial trouble again and declare bankruptcy last November. All I can do is pray and cry a lot.
    • Ronel Dalais
      I have 2 sons 24 and 17 both on drugs who have destroyed everything...I have no worth or self esteem or money order possession that haven't been damaged left...I dont know what to do anymore either...
  • I want to be free

    I have an 18yr old that assaulted me aug 2015 it was the worst day of my life. I was in soo much pain. He punched me soo many times I had left ear internal bleeding face and head trauma my son also choked me I don't know how I survived. I suffer from ptsd my sister was Called she took him for the night but did not tell police. I went to hospital the nurse was upset because I wouldn't tell who hurt me and refused service as I sat there betrayed, hurt and soulless. I couldn't think straight and kept thinking of the consequences for him! I feel soo stupid! I regret every day that I didn't tell. The abuse didn't stop it wasn't the same but still frightening and lots of bullying! His dad was called and didn't pick him up told me to get him arrested them would pick him up. Who does that? This man left us homeless abandoned without any support so why would my son worship this monster over all we went through. His father and I had a horrible relationship full of Disrepect and pain. I teatified against him anabolic gen lost his job. He tells my son gen could never help him because of this but has gotten married twice and bought homes and pays child support to kids after my son. Why did my son do this to me knowing I'm

    The only one that has supported him and continues to do so? I went to a therapist who said my house my rules. I'm like what is this? I am now going to see a new therapist this Wednesday. I regret not having my son arrested as a minor I live in fear of his bad days and when things don't go his way. I have holes in my wall Nd have called police to who said unless he hurts me agin there's nothing they can do and to just close my door and scream and call 911. I pray the laws change to help these kids with coping skills and anger management with another option besides jail. It's not fair and I suffer from depression I've Gained soo much weight with Xanax. I want my son away from me and my life. I wish him well but wish him away from me And my life. He choked me and punched me till I couldn't take it. I have soo many regrets and I feel there should be advocates in hostial for this. To process ans maybe I would've felt comfortable nit ashamed to tell. I wish this on no one ever. God please help me my health can't take it anymore my heart literally hurts and life's is painful to deal with. Why don't they just leave and not leave us alone if they're soo miserable! I pray my new therapist can help me I'm looking but forward to Wednesday wish me luck

  • Hope Less

    I have a 16 year old that gets physical with me, yells, curses at me, calls me names, throwsthings, punches walls, steals, runs away and the police don't help. He now sees a psychiatrist and takes antipsychotics (the max does of abilify) but it does nothing at all.

    The doctor says I can have him arrested for being a runaway and then leave him in a detention center and just tell the courts that I'm giving up my parental rights. It's easier said than done because the cops won't do anything but a report. My son is not afraid of anything he simply does not care. I PRAY AND PRAY BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!

    Hopeless in Houston

    • I want to be free
      I will pray for you this is soo painful and I understand you. I pray this issue ends and someone can come up with a safe and fair solution for us victims
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
      Hope Less I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles you are facing with your son right now, and I’m glad that you are here reaching out for support.  It can be so challenging when your child is engaging in serious behaviors such as physical violence, running away and propertyMore destruction, and you are not getting the support you seek from the police.  Something that can be useful is talking with the police during a calm time, and planning out how they might be able to assist you if you call.  We have a downloadable worksheet which can help to guide this conversation, which you can find https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-talk-to-police-when-your-child-is-physically-abusive/.  In addition, in many states, there are programs available through the juvenile courts, which are often called PINS/CHINS/MINS (person/child/minor in need of services/supervision) or something like that, which help parents to hold a child accountable for incorrigible behavior and reckless choices.  You can find more information on what is available in your area by contacting your local court clerk.  I recognize what a difficult situation this must be for you right now, and I wish you all the best moving forward.  Take care.
  • Clubpenguin
    Hi, my family and I are trying to do everything we can and we are desperate. My 10 year old brother is completely out of control. He's been diagnosed with some kind of mood disorder but the doctor does not know for sure which kind. He refuses to take medicationMore or even step into a doctors office or see a therapist for help. His psychologist believes he has depression. He constantly lashes out on a daily basis. He destroys property, launches glass and other breakable objects at our family members with intent to break. When he comes home from camp or school he will push shove and even bite my parents for no reason without a trigger. We stay locked up in a room of the house to avoid triggering his anger. He makes threats to us and claims he will never let us "have control" over him even when he is told to do something as simple as to turn off the tv for dinner after two to three hours of screen time. The worst part is he's only ten and we want to help him so much we all love him but we want him to get better and he won't let us in. What do we do??
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
      Clubpenguin We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I am sorry to hear about the issues you are facing right now with your brother.  Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestionsMore we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role.  Another resource which might be more useful to you is the Boys Town National Hotline, which you can reach by calling 1-800-448-3000, 24/7. They have trained counselors who talk with kids, teens and young adults everyday about issues they are facing, and they can help you to look at your options and come up with a plan.  They also have options to communicate via text, email, and live chat which you can find on their website, http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ We wish you the best going forward. Take care.
  • DorothyPar
    Sometimes in some cases parents need to let go and surrender their Adult children in God's hands. It hurts but God is the best one who can help her...I will pray for all my children and grandchildren as well. We need to let them fall and allow them to makeMore their own mistakes and not bill them out when they get into trouble. Sometimes when parents let their Adult children fall and live their lives effectually they do come around in some cases. We did get her counseling, went to our pastor and our church but she refuse to accept the help. That is her choice. Let Go! Let God! do His work in our children. For He does know best.
  • DorothyPar
    I have a daughter like that too. She was very abusive verbally,mentally and emotionally and physical violence as well. She now is 34 years old and has two sons. She moved to another state and since she did we no longer have no contact with her. We have no relationshipMore either. I have tried and tried to make a mother and daughter relationship with her but failed. Although it breaks my heart because I carried her nine months in my womb and gave birth to her. It started to affect my health...one time she threw a chair at her father and it hit me and caused me to have a seizure. The police was useless so I prayed and prayed and prayed. As hard it is for me to swallow as her mother I love my daughter but I am more happy and stress free since she moved to another state and more relax. She was the most sweetest little girl growing up, kind, loving, respectful but after she lost her first child which was a little girl her attitude and personality changed for the worse. I could not deal with her mood swings no matter what I sad, I was wrong and she was always right. I didn't have the strength in me no more to argue with her. I walked away. We haven't spoken to each other for over six years. I will love her for she is my daughter....but will not tolerate her behavior towards her father and I.
  • Kmsavio
    Hi. I have a 17-year-old daughter that has been very abusive to her father and I, for at least five years now. We have called the police she's been in and out of several behavioral center's and she is still abusive The police here and south countyMore St. Louis Missouri is a joke. They kept telling my husband and I we were the problem and that we are responsible for her up until she's 18 which will be in May this year. She was assigned a DJ oh a couple years ago but they released her because she's no longer a juvenile. We have had several counselors come into our home and counsel her and as soon as they would leave she would turn into the monster that she is. She has been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder and bipolar disorder and she refuses to take the medications that psychiatrists have prescribed her. She has abused us over and over by throwing things punching us threatening to stab us and this November my husband passed away from all the stress and everything in our lives Now I am on my own and still receiving the abuse from her. If I call the police they just send her right back home I don't know what to do I just wish I was in the ground with my husband If I don't bring her the right food that she wants she throws it all over the floor after I spent my good hard earned money and throws things at me When is parental abuse going to be recognized in this society? Everyone thinks it's the perfect parents abusing the kids but not always sometimes it's the kids abusing the parents
  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
    Funnykebab I’m so sorry to hear about the escalating conflict you have been experiencing with your son, and the increasing violence and aggression he has shown toward you.  I also recognize that this situation is made even more difficult with the involvement of your young granddaughter.  At this point, IMore encourage you to work with local supports to help to develop a plan to address this violence from your son, and to keep you safe.  If you are not currently working with anyone, one place to start might be http://www.familylives.org.uk/.  They can talk with you about what is going on, help you to look at your options, and help you to create a plan to move forward.  You can reach them by calling 0808 800 2222, or by visiting their website.  I recognize how much you’re hurting right now, and I wish you all the best moving forward.  Take care.
  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
    Unabletocope8106 I’m so sorry to hear about what you are experiencing with your 14 year old, as well as the legal issues you are now facing as a result of your attempts to get help for him.  At this point, I encourage you to work with your assigned caseworker, asMore well as your therapist, to help you develop a plan to keep everyone in the family safe.  It could also be useful to work with a lawyer to help you in your defense.  I recognize that since you are new to your area, you do not have much information on local resources.  It could be useful to contact the http://www.211.org at 1-800-273-6222 to get information on what might be available to you.  211 is a service which connects people with resources in their community.  I recognize what a difficult situation this must be for you right now, and I wish you and your family all the best moving forward.  Take care.
  • CLTG

    Hi All! .... I feel so very ashamed! I have a 14 year old daughter who I love unconditionally, but she has been hitting me now on a regular basis with the encouragement of her father! Her father has been abusive towards me in the past both psychically and mentally and although I am in the process in (hopefully) buying him out of the house/mortgage, he still resides with us and on a daily basis he 'goads' me into creating arguments between him and me. I try so very hard to ignore him, but as he follows me from room to room to create rows......he then shouts upstairs for our daughter to come and join him and invites her to hit me as he tells her that I am the cause of all the 'upset' in our family!

    I am the 'breadwinner' of the household and he refuses to work, pay or contribute to any bills etc. He does pay in 270 every month on direct debit through his pension, but he takes that out along with his debts that I am paying off for him every month! 

    My daughter has totally no respect for me as a person nor as a mother which upsets me no end! I have no family, but my husband comes from a large family and they also play a large part in my daughter's life and I have no doubt in my mind that they have been encouraging my daughter to act against me as my husband has often taunted me in saying that 'he tells them everything about me and they all hate me' 

    My husband and his mother did not want me to carry on with my pregnancy with my daughter and they both tried me to have an abortion - I had been married one and a half years to him at that time. 

    I cannot help feeling responsible for my daughter's attitude towards me and even though I have asked for my husband's help to ensure that we both bring up our daughter in a safe and secure environment, he always agrees and then jumps at every opportunity to ensure that I am the 'bad guy'.

    I am working every hour I can to ensure that all the bills are paid and food is on the table..... I am consistently tired and when I go to work on the days that my daughter is not at school, I leave the house with my husband's words saying to me that this is the day that he will turn our daughter against me forever and that she will choose him to live with and not me and that it will be me who has to move out with a plastic bag and nothing else....plus it will be me who will continue to pay for everything especially for our daughter as he will be signing on 'the sick'.

    I have tried talking to our daughter, but she is a very angry and confused young girl. I also feel very tempted to say personal stuff to her about her father, but I resist as I feel that it is not fair! Although I do know that he says everything about me to her! 

    I need to be empowered, but at the moment my husband is preventing me to be that parent! 

    I am just wishing for that day when I can buy him out and get our/my life back on track!

    Thank you for listening and any help/advice you have would be gratefully appreciated!

    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
      CLTG I’m so sorry to hear about the abusive behavior you are facing with your husband as well as your daughter, and I’m glad that you are reaching out for support.  While I hear the conflicted relationship you have with your husband, and the influence it might be having onMore your daughter, I encourage you to focus on what you can control to hold your daughter accountable.  The truth is, even though your husband may be encouraging this behavior, in the end, your daughter is responsible for her own actions and choices.  You might find some helpful suggestions in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-kids-get-violent-theres-no-excuse-for-abuse/.  In addition, as pointed out in the article above, it could be helpful to get some support for yourself right now, such as a support group or a counselor.  Even if your daughter or husband are not interested in pursuing this, it might be beneficial for you to have someone you can talk with locally about what is going on.  If this is something you might find useful, try contacting http://www.familylives.org.uk/ at 0808 800 2222.  I recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward.  Take care.
  • Single4ever4shame

    I'm a disabled, widowed, still unfortunately single for over 10 yrs now because I'm to embarrassed to even attempt to bring someone into this nightmare let alone expect them to want to stay. I have 2 children, one who will be 18 in just 2 months. Funny she constantly screams at me saying she can't wait to leave but fact is she has Noo financial responsibility capabilities. Although she does have a job and for a young teen she makes damn good money but spends it all on partying. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS BEHAVIOR! HOWEVER ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS HAVE COME HOME TO FIND MY HOME REEKING OF WEED. THAAATS WHEN I LOSE MY MIND AND THROW HER AND ALLL HER FRIENDS OUT OF HERE. I have tried and tried to talk to her but it's pretty hard to get threw to her when her own father not only smokes with her (we never married) but uses her to help him sell it. And I THINK it might be happening right here in my own home but I haven't any proof. Did I mention she didn't graduate and is now enrolled in online schooling which takes extreme dedication on her behalf. And because my husband passed away we receive SSS benefits which at This point we really need in order to survive. However I just received notice that because she wooon't dedicate the bare minimum time needed to be considered a full-time student and of corse graduate we will lose her portion of benefits resulting in us all losing our home. Worst part about ALL of this is she just simply doesn't care about me o r her little brother, or more important her future.

    This leads me to my son who I recently had in counseling due to his abusive behavior but had no effect. He's fully aware of the chronic pain I suffer from on a daily basis. Just this a.m. his sister needed a ride to work and next to her work is a coffee shop. We're standing there placing our order when he asked would I buy him a $5 muffin. I answered No because I had already told him to wait in the car but he didn't listen so why reward him right. That's when he started his abusive behavior. First it was the look (a look he gives when he's about to embarrass me in public by disobeying evvvery request) then a secret very hard pinch on the back of my arm. When I said ouch! He looked at me so innocently and said "what's wrong mom? Are you ok!" As to look/act like a concerned loving son in front of the cashier. Next he asked "will you buy me 1 now? & I again said NO. That's when he stepped on my pinky toe on purpose and smiled a sadistic little grin. He then proceeded to lean all 197lbs of weight on my side which he KNOWS kills my back. By now both cashiers knew something was going on and they knew it was his doings. So I looked at him and told him quietly "you just wait" the next 5 mins was pure anxiety. He had to touch evvvery thing he could (mind you this is Biggby's coffe shop, an upscale kinda place) & it was all done to annoy me. I can honestly say he enjoys annoying people, not just me, evvveryone! He likes to push people's buttons to the point of crying and he gets pleasure out of it. All my friends and family agree. Like i had mentioned, I tried therapy and he just doesn't care. He absolutely refuses to go outside and play with other kids. He does have ONE best friend Dylan who's a very pleasant boy. He does well at school W/O trying and IF he applied himself could be a straight A student. But whenever he has homework....my Good God that's a WHOOOLE different story and war in itself. I am sooo lonely, embarassed, and hopeless at this point. I have no way of getting me time because my parents are fed up with his abusive behavior that they won't watch him for me. My 17 yr old, even if she was a good influence on him feels the same way, and his late father's side....we'll since he committed suicide they needed a scape goat and I'm it so we have no contact with them. Some may read this and right away think that his father's absence is the cause. I disagree, he wants MEEEE AND ONNNLY ME AND ALL THE TIME. EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY. HE'S CLUELESS TO HIS SISTER'S DOINGS BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO COMES IN THE DOOR FIRST TO MAKE SURE HE'S NOT GOING TO SEE OR SENSE ANYTHING HE SHOULDN'T. I GIVE HIM ALL MY ATTENTION BECAUSE I'M ALL HE REALLY HAS. BUT SOMETHING'S NOOT NORMAL HERE!!!! THE THERAPY CENTER WE WENT TO HE HAD TO SEE A COUNSELOR ANNND A psychiatrist. After a whole month of counseling twice a week 1 hour sessions he finally seeing the psychiatrist with me and the psychiatrist had the audacity to ask me if I thought my son needed to be medicated? My response was " I'm not a doctor and if my son doesn't need to be on medication then I don't want him on medication" The psychiatrist response was fair enough and he gave me a piece of paper with a book title written on it. I read it I've done everything in it already period long before we ever went to counseling. And we only see the psychiatrist once every month month-and-a-half and to find out that everything that my son and his counselor talk about is NOT related to the psychiatrist makes absolutely no sense to me. With our insurance it is the only place I can take him. Anybody that I know who has gone there or know somebody who has gone there says they simply don't care and they don't! I'm at whits end and don't know what to do! ! But none of us are happy. And I can NOT continue on this way. And I must add that our local authorities, although I am grateful for their duty, they despise my whole family because my brother was a trouble maker in his younger years and was just released from prison. So I feel going to the authorities isn't going to do me my son or my family any good at all in fact I feel it would only make things much worse. I do however feel that a week in boot camp might straighten him up I just don't know how to go about getting him into one?

  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport
    Lakechia Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us.  I’m so sorry to hear about what you are experiencing with your children; you have the right to be safe in your home.  As the article above states, it can be useful to work with local supports duringMore a calm time to help you develop a plan to stay safe.  I encourage you to work with your assigned caseworker to address the violence you are experiencing from your children, and to get information on local resources which might be able to help you.   In addition, although I hear that the police have not responded as you might have hoped, it could be useful to call during a calm time to discuss how they might be able to support you.  We have a https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-talk-to-police-when-your-child-is-physically-abusive/ which might help to guide this conversation.  I recognize how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving forward.  Take care.
  • Barry
    The police won't do anything I'm afraid my step son of 12 has adhd and odd and beats his mother I held him from hitting her and he started hitting himself and marked himself I was voluntary arrested because of his marks this was 2 years ago and nothing cameMore of it every kick off he's had he smashes the house up and still beats his mother and I can't do nothing about it the police are called but they keep saying hes underage and there's nothing they can do so the come in talk sweet to the boy the boy the snaps out of his behaviour before they turn up 45 mins after the phone call and 2 days ago he tryed to go for his mum again in front of my 7 and 2 year old girls and o stepped in to protect her now I have to be voluntary arested again now we have to make a decision to leave the boy go to soctal to protect the 2 girls and his mum but the social and the police find it a joke it's beyond a joke and heart breaking
  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

    Sonja gurl 

    I’m so sorry to hear about the threatening actions and statements

    you are experiencing with your son right now, and I can only imagine how

    frightened you must be for yourself and your daughter.As pointed out the in article above, I

    strongly encourage you to work with local resources to develop a plan to keep everyone

    safe.If you are not currently working

    with anyone, try calling the http://www.211.org/ at

    1-800-273-6222.211 is a service which

    connects people with supports in their community, such as therapists, support

    groups, and crisis response services.In

    addition, I also recommend calling the http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to develop a plan for how you can respond

    if you believe your son might attempt to harm or kill himself. I recognize how scary this must be for you and

    your family, and I wish you all the best as you continue to move forward.Take care.

  • Mom of2
    I have a 7 year old who is very defiant in school, at home ect it don't matter who you are or ware she is she base be sence of safety or respect for any one and dose not care of the consequence she is abusive torde myself kids atMore school and she has even hurt my 2 1/2 month old son I have tried every kind of punishment I can think of and it dose not faze her I am worried that one of these days its going to go to far I had her seeing a therapist but it did no good ive been trying to get her evaluated to see if maybe some kinde of medicine is needed other then that I don't know what to do
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      Mom of2 

      I can hear how concerned you are about your daughter, and I’m glad that you

      are reaching out for support, both here and in your community.I encourage you to continue working with her

      doctor and others to rule out any underlying issues which might be contributing

      to your daughter’s violent outbursts and defiance at home and elsewhere.In the meantime, I also encourage you to work

      with your daughter to develop more appropriate skills, as outlined in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-aggressive-behavior-in-kids-and-tweens-is-your-child-screaming-pushing-and-hitting/I also recommend limiting

      the amount of time your daughter is spending unsupervised with your baby until

      she improves her self-control.I

      recognize how challenging this must be for you right now, and I wish you and

      your family all the best moving forward.Take care.

  • Duner733

    I live with a woman who has a 16 year old daughter who is a complete mess and mental breakdown.   She has a brother that lives with her father.  The father alienated the boy from the entire family and she left to live with us.  She is very welcomed and loved even though she hates us.  Her father has not called her in more that two years and her brother will not speak with her either.  They will claim it is because of her mom and thus she takes it out on her mom.  While her mom is not a saint, she would absolutely die for both of her kids.  The daughter has been through many rounds of therapy and has been diagnosed as depressed.  She will not take her meds even though she says she notices the benefits of it.  She has not come home multiple times and has been arrested for drugs/taking a car/curfew.  We have given her every opportunity to make a good life and she continues to crash.  She will not go into therapy with us anymore.  All we have ever asked is decent (not even honor roll) grades, be respectful and clean up after herself.  That is too much for her.  I could go on and on.

    At the end of the day, she is now completely defiant.  Leaves when grounded.  Doing drugs and more than we probably know now.  And what grades she was getting, are falling.  She tells us she is leaving on her 17th birthday and how can mom stand to live with herself when both her kids hate her.  

    Welcome to my world.  A daughter verbally and now physically abusing her mom in front of me.  I have to watch how I get involved so I don't get arrested.  The local police know us very well and have been great.  They see what she is doing and sympathize with us but they can't do anything unless there is a serious injury or a legit law is broken.

    Today I will be calling the local united way for some help but I sure wish there was something that can be done before she completely ruins her life.  Oh yeah, and then blames it on us.

  • BLONDELEXUS
    What do you do when your child has abused you their entire life? I was able to get away from her for many years as far as living under the same roof. I was the only one in the family that would have a thing to do with her. SoMore much abuse from her to all of us while she was growing up. Then as an adult she could never get along with anyone. She lived with old men that used her for their purposes but she even abused them physically and verbally. Hitting one of them until his daughter came and had her arrested and thrown out of his house. Then she moved in with another of her druggie friends for several years. In all of this time I still took her food and gave her a little money here and there. I still could not manage to totally separate myself from her as the rest of our family did. Then came the time back in May of this year 2016 that her liver finally started to fail. I was called to tell me that she was delusional so I went and she didn't even know me. Her liver ammonia levels were so high that she was incoherent. She went to the hospital and was there for over 20 days and on life support. At this time her dad, who had washed his hands of her came back to do all he could to help. We thought somehow this would be a wake up call. I took her back to the place she was living when she got out of the hospital and the same thing happened 4 days later. Back to the hospital again and another 15 days in the hospital. Her diagnosis was Hep C, Cirrhosis of the Liver, Liver Enceplathophy, Kidney Disease, and several other things that make all of this a terminal situation. After two times of being at her former residence and her medications not being taken I decided I had No choice but to bring her to live with me. I was told by several family members this was a mistake. I knew it was but felt I had no choice if I wanted her to live a while longer. Since she has been here it has been total Verbal abuse for me. I have been called on a daily basis the most Vile name imaginable. So bad that I can't place them here. Then the next day she is telling me she loves me and I am the best mother in this world. Then an hour later, the abuse begins again. Yes, she has always been mentally ill . All of her life. We tried to get her help several times and she bucked our family at every turn. Now, her life is at stake and the abuse continues. She is so diabolical that she will tell you that due to her condition she will make up whatever lie she has to to get you in any trouble she can. I will admit there are times that I literally want to hit her across the face. I pray to God to help me never do that. I am living in Hell and a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I know I love her because I have cried a million tears over her when I thought she was going to die in the hospital. When she's here with me and calling me these names, I literally feel hate for her. I am desperate and wish she would disintegrate and I could finally live in peace with the years I have left. It's a terrible thing to have been abused by your own child to the point that you wish you had never seen them in this lifetime. She's a 50 year old woman now and the most abusive and Vile person I have ever known. I don't know what to do.
    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      @BLONDELEXUS 

      I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s illness, as well

      as the abusive way she is treating you.  The truth is, there is no excuse

      for abuse, and your daughter’s mental illness and health problems do not make

      the way she is treating you acceptable.  I recognize your concern that her

      physical condition might worsen if she is not staying with you, and ultimately,

      the choice of allowing her to continue to stay in your home is one that only

      you can make.  It might be helpful to look into local supports that might

      be available to you, such as nursing services, hospice care, caregiver respite,

      and support groups, to help you during this time.  For assistance locating

      these and other services in your community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.  I can only

      imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I wish you all the best moving

      forward.  Take care.

  • Tam

    I feel like I'm at breaking point with my 17 year old son. I've had behaviour problems with him since his dad abandoned him just over 2 yrs ago may I add tho that he's not his biological father, but he's raised my son since birth. My son has only known him as a father figure for all of his life.

    Last June I had my son arrested as he assaulted me.

    I've had the police here a couple time's because my neighbours rang them when my son was kicking off, as he makes a lot of noise.

    He has punched holes in my doors. He has thrown plates & glasses & other stuff.

    Not that long ago he threw a full jug of juice at me which luckily didn't hit me.

    He calls me alsorts of name's & he sometimes traps me in rooms so I can't get out.

    Recently he took my purse & threatened to snap my bank card in half if I didn't take him into town. And recently he took my laptop & hid it because I wouldn't do something for him.

    The names he calls me is what hurts the most. He's constantly calling me a let down & telling me that I'm useless!

    I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time & that I'm waiting for when he's going to kick off next. I feel so alone & I'm feeling so sad.

    I just want my son back

    I've said to him he needs to come to the doctors with me to address his anger issues but he won't go. It's difficult as I can't physically make him go.

    It's got to the point now that evey day he treats me bad & i can't even talk to him without him being horrible to me.

    • Sonja gurl
      My son does the same shit and he's only 11 my name is Sonja read my story plz my son is bad
    • Jojo
      I am in the exact same situation. I feel like giving up and running away, my life is so bad. And I feel for my other 2 children who get scared when my eldest kicks off. What did we do to deserve a life like this :(
  • Kathy

    Juvie time ...I told her next time she runs out bc I consequenced her for hitting stealing cursing breaking destroys things

    And police bring her home ....she tells police that I can't tell her what to do.....that I have no right to ground or take my phone from her.....but she keeps doing it ......I actually told them to take her

    Have they .....nooooo

    Amazing .....she has all at her dads he gives her all she wants .....amazing

    I will keep tryin ....tough love

    Our children are children

  • Kathy

    My 12 yo abuses me daily now

    Her dad left 7 yrs ago making us sell our home and he is bipolar/manic

    I consequence her she runs out house calls her dad and she wins....he buys her what she wants and lets her decide fun galore l

    He counterparents.....police have brought her home numerous times she tells them all that I her mom have no right to take phone or consequence her....admits to police her dad does not ....

    Amazing narcissistic manic

    True abuse by him and her together to me

    He has criminal charges still not addressed

    Oh yeah and never has court discussed visitation health insurance. ...never have they discussed my daughter. ....she was 5 ......now almost 13

    He and she control me.....clandestinely picking up ...me looking for her .....dark....he wont answer.....its super hwrd on me

    She breaks things has 3 bedrooms...

    We gave 2 houses his renovated he took all cars I was wo car 7 months. .....I have $9 to my name

    Funny how God Brought this man to me right after first killed himself and left me with 2 children......active alcoholic who also abused me as well...

    I left my career

    Put kids through private schools and college (2since college grads masters snd bachelor's suma cum lade)....

    This man is NARCISSISTIC

    He has her wrapped around his finger

    She wont listen to her mom when her dad will just be panacea.

  • MeliisaA
    I loved reading this article. It made me feel like hope is still there. I've been dealing with my abusive 10 year old and feeling quite lost. At the age at four he was diagnosed with adhd/odd/bipolar disorder.
  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

    @Eric 

    It can be very difficult when you feel caught in the middle of a conflict

    between your spouse and your child, and they are both behaving abusively toward

    each other.  I’m glad that you’re here, reaching out for support.  I

    strongly encourage you to start by instituting the rule that https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-kids-get-violent-theres-no-excuse-for-abuse/, and that goes for your wife as well as your son.

    Although I hear your feelings of being torn between your wife and your son, I

    remind you that if your wife is behaving violently toward your son, you do have

    an obligation to protect him from harm.  It’s also going to be important

    to talk about what happened, and how they can each respond in the future

    without becoming violent toward each other.  Sometimes, it can be helpful

    to involve a neutral, third-party in this conversation, such as a

    marriage/family therapist.  For assistance locating someone in your

    community, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at

    1-800-273-6222.  Thank you for writing in, and I wish you and your family

    all the best moving forward.  Take care.

  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

    Vivian XV 

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing what is going on in

    your family.  I’m so sorry you are experiencing this from your

    father.  You have the right to feel safe, and suicide is not the

    answer.  Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more

    effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to

    you in your situation.  Another resource which might be more helpful is

    the Boys Town National Hotline.  You can call them 24/7 at 1-800-448-3000,

    and be connected with a trained counselor who can talk with you about what is

    going on in your family, as well as options for what you can do.  They

    also have options for talking with someone via email, live chat or text, if

    that is more convenient for you.  You can get more information on those

    options by going to their website at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/ 

    In addition, if you are thinking of suicide or hurting yourself, I strongly

    urge you to contact the http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ at 1-800-273-8255.  You can call them

    24/7, or you can find more information about live chat with a trained counselor

    on their website.  I hear how much pain you are in right now, and I

    appreciate your reaching out for support.  It can get better.  I wish

    you all the best as you continue to move forward.  Take care.

  • Emma Reed
    My 17 year old daughter hits me at least once a week. It gets really terrifying sometimes. Sometimes she even threatens to run away. How do I get her to stop hitting me and threatening to run away?
    • Gd69

      Hello Emma.

      My daughter is 19 now and I had to ask for a restraining order to get her out of my house. As sad as it is, it won't change. I been trough DHS involvement, 4 years of placement, family and individual therapy.

      I got tired of living in fear. I love her and my grandson but I need to do what is best for me.

      Gave many chances and things got worse.

      The best way to deal is to press charges and let her learn.

      Think if it was someone else, what would you do?

  • niges
    what do i do? he is 30
  • niges
    My son attacks me with violent outbursts, that result in house destruction and/or physical injury to me.
    • Marissa EP

      niges 

      Thank you for writing in and I am sorry to hear about the

      behaviors you are seeing from your son. Because your son is an adult, the most

      important thing for you to focus on is your own safety in your home. If your

      son is living in the home, it might be time to serve him with eviction papers.

      You may look into your local laws to find out what that entails, and enlist

      community supports, if needed. You can also reach out for Domestic Violence

      support and resources by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at

      1-800-799-SAFE. I would also encourage you to call 9-1-1 if your son becomes

      threatening, destructive, or violent, and allow the police to hold him

      accountable. Your safety is the number one priority. I wish you the best of

      luck dealing with this difficult situation.

  • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

    @Me 

    Thank you for

    writing in, and asking your question.  You have the right to be safe, and

    I’m glad that you are reaching out for support.  One resource which you

    might find helpful is Boys Town, which has counselors specially trained to help

    kids, teens and young adults who are going through challenging

    situations.  You can call for free 24/7 by calling 1-800-448-3000.  They

    also have options to contact them via email, text, and live chat, which you can

    read more about by visiting their website at  

    I can only imagine how difficult this situation must be for you, and I wish you

    all the best as you continue to move forward.  Take care.

  • Amazingoreo

    My mom has called the police on my brother several times and each time they tell her it's her fault. They tell her if she would've gotten him therapy (which she tried to do but everyone has turned her away or he refused to go) or raised him better then he wouldn't be like this. They've told her that the only thing they can do is give him a ticket but she'd have to pay all of his legal fees and she can't afford that. They actually told her all of this!

    She's also disabled so she's on section 8. She's about to move and doesn't want my brother coming with her. 5 days before her moving date, Her housing caseworker told her that if she wants to live in the place she worked so hard to find then he would have to live with her. She explained her situation and they told her "that's the rules."

    He is making her disability harder to deal with by making her do everything for him or he raises hell and sometimes resorts to hitting her, pushing her, and then kicking her when she's on the ground. I've seen this first hand, and if it weren't for my kids and needing to get them in the car and leave so they don't see it or get involved (he's actually tried to involve my 2 year old daughter and then punched a wall in front of her. So we left immediately after I yelled at him louder than I've ever yelled), I'd confront him myself. But my kids need me to not be in jail and they don't need to see it and think that its OK to treat someone like that. It's gotten to the point where it seems like nobody wants to help. What is she supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? We feel so stuck and want this to stop but we feel like there's nothing we can do to fix this.

    • RebeccaW_ParentalSupport

      Amazingoreo 

      We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and

      sharing your story. I hear how concerned you are for your mother’s

      well-being, and the lack of support she has in addressing your brother’s

      behavior toward her. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become

      more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can

      give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look

      into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular

      issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a

      day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services

      available in your area such as counselors, therapists, support groups, domestic

      violence services as well as various other resources. You can reach the

      Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by logging onto 211.org. We wish you the

      best going forward. Take care.

  • Luvnlattes

    Parents don't have rights. You call the police and pay for your own "victim fees" when they take your son away.

    I love my son but he has been physically and emotionally abusive to me on and off for 8 years. He finally moved out on Mother's Day and my heart is breaking but a small part of me is also relieved.

  • Walking in eggshells
    Walking on egg shells .... I have a 35 year old son who is abusive emotionally and physically.. He spits at me, acts awkward breaks everything in my house picture frames glass. Etc I have called the police to no avail. He was placed in a psychiatric ward for aMore week and then returned to me, this was a waist of time now he has an entitled attitude that I have to deliver what ever he wants! I'm sick and tired if him ( God forgive me for these feelings ) I have no life I was forced to retire he would call my office 28 times a day! He has been diagnosed with esquizo affect disorder! He will not go to the doctor SS has given him disability benefits ! I'm feel stuck caregiving, I don't want to be a caregiver! I my self have Bipolar disorder makes this combo worst! Is there not a place where they can take him in to de devolpe life skills towards being independent ? I know he is frustrated because he does nothing for himself! All I do is ignore him! Damn if I do and damn if I don't! Fed up! I wa thinking of moving out since he will not! But I know I can loose my property because he will not pay for anything!! Help thank you!
    • Zelda
      The easiest thing you can do is take out a restraining order out on your son. I'm going through it with my 19 year old daughter and I'm disabled. She's been verbally abusing me for a few years now then it came down to physical threats of violence. And IMore finally put my foot down and realized I didn't have to put up with the behavior even though the laws say that this is her place of residence and I cannot ask her to leave which I think this is b*******. I went to the police station that night after she threatened me for the final time and the judge granted me an emergency restraining order and I went to court the next day and I went in front of the judge along with my daughter and of course she lied through her teeth but judges have seen and heard just about everything. He has my daughter how old she was more less telling her you should know better. And without hesitation he asked me how long I wanted to continue the restraining order and he granted it to me for another year. But he did say to my daughter after reading this and speaking with you what makes you think for one moment I'm not going to protect your mother. But if you feel you are in physical Danger by a family member you have every right to take out a restraining order. And what the police will do is remove him from the house probably bring him to a psychiatric facility for an evaluation and place him somewhere. What don't live your life in fear. My daughter is still continuing with this drama she posted something pretty nasty about me on Facebook. And of course I cannot respond in any way shape or form. People just automatically assume that I'm a terrible mother for kicking my daughter out. If they only knew the true person she is behind closed doors.
    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      Walking in eggshells

      It sounds like you are in the middle of a very tough

      situation. It’s normal to feel angry and resentful when you’re stuck in the

      position of caregiver for your adult child. There may be programs in your area

      that could help him develop skills to live independently. The 211 Helpline

      would be able to give you information on these types of mental health services.

      You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can

      also find them online at http://www.211.org/. You might

      also consider looking into the steps you would need to take in order for your

      son to move out, even if he won’t willingly move out on his own. In some areas

      a parent needs to go through a formal eviction process in order to have their

      adult child removed from the home. Your local clerk of courts would be able to

      give you information on this. It also would be beneficial to have a safety plan

      that you can implement when your son becomes abusive or violent. Calling the

      police is one option. You could also contact your local crisis response for

      help with this too. We appreciate you writing in and wish you the best of luck

      moving forward. Take care.

      • Walking in eggshells
        Thank you! I'm out of the USA range for 211.org, I guess I'll have to contact local police for orientation, I also fear retaliation towards me, since he does not have a male role model in his life! He is a loner but refuses to seek help! Thank you onceMore again! I'll be reading here other s life experiences to see if I can adopt some strategy. Have a great day!
  • christinamyers

    I need help, I am in need of getting my physically abusive fifteen year old nephew out of my place of residence I have 4 younger children in the home that I need to protect and the only way to do so is to get him removed the situation only gets worse with each confrontation it's only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt. How can I get him removed. In need of answers

    I can't and I won't live like this

    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      christinamyers

      Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents for help

      with what sounds like a very challenging situation. I’m not sure what steps you

      would need to take to have your nephew removed from your home. It may be

      helpful to contact your state Department of Child Welfare office for

      information. You could also contact the 211 Helpline to find out about kinship

      services in your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling

      1-800-273-6222 or by going online to http://www.211.org/.

      Best of luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

  • You only live once

    I am a father of two boys, both of my sons have now moved out. My oldest boy was the abusive one. here is my story for those who can relate.

    I am a military man, my wife and I love and showed our love to each other in front of both our kids, I never raised my voice or blamed my wife about anything. yes we did have some arguments from time to time, however, these arguments were never dealth with in front or our kids. As a military person, you are called out to duty or you move around the country a lot. my oldest son never showed any signs of agressivity until he reached the age of 13-14 years old. at that point he bluntly told us that he hated moving because everytime we moved he was losing his friends, which we understood. we tried to explain to him that he would make new friends. at first it did help a bit, as time past, the abuse escalated to phisical abuse towards my wife. by the time he was 16, we were at our wits end, and we had no choice but to call the authority. we were told that nothing could be done because of his age. so we continued to put up with it. my wife was so scared that she slept (with one eye open) with the bedroom door locked.

    by the time he turned 17, we were so tired of this abusive nature, that we decided to send him to his grand parents for a while (2500miles away). this solved the fear and abuse issue, for a while anyway. after 3 months, and us talking to him over the phone, this abusive pattern had subsided and it was over with, or so we taught. He was happy and ready to come home and make a change. so we brough him home. in a matter of days, the abuse had not only restarted, but it had become increasingly more violent in nature than before he had left 3 months prior. We decided to make him see someone so he could speak about his problems, open up sort of speak. he never did. by the time he turned 18, it was hell at home, my marriage was on the brinks of breaking up. so we gave him two choices. He had to move out back to his grand parents, join the armed forces or simply move out. He decided to join the armed forces. it took 6 months for him to get the call. it was the longest 6 months of our lives, but when he finally left the nest, it was like a giant weight had lifted from our shoulder. during his boot camp, he wanted to quit and come home, thats when we told him that he could not come home if he quit. as hard as this may sound, we did not want him to come home. so he stayed and continued.

    Today he is 25, still in the Armed Forces, still somewhat verbally abusive towards his mother, but the beauty of it is that we can hang up the phone if it starts. We have tried everything to to help him while he was at home. All of this to tell you that sometime, no matter how hard you try to save your kids or help them, there is nothing you can do to make them see how abusive they have become. we have seen him twice since he has moved out, and both times these visits were in a public area, this is the only way we can control his behavior.

  • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

    fear and loathing

    I am so sorry you are experiencing such abusive behavior

    from your daughter. It’s unfortunate that calling the police doesn’t seem to be

    a viable option. That is often an effective way of addressing this situation.

    It may be helpful to speak with a crisis response counselor or someone else who

    would be able to help you develop a safety plan you could implement when your

    daughter starts to escalate. The 211 Helpline would be able to give you

    information on crisis response services, either in your area or in a

    surrounding town. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling

    1-800-273-6222 or by visiting http://www.211.org/. Another

    helpful resource for you might be the http://www.thehotline.org/. You can call 1-800-799-7233 to speak with

    someone specially trained to help victims of domestic assault and violence.

    They may be able to help you find a way through this tough situation. Good luck

    to you moving forward. Take care.

  • small and weak
    Any suggestions are welcomed. I am so very scared all the time but don't want him to go to jail. We just moved and I don't know anyone. My family is not supportive and I'm fearing the worst as the abuse has recently gotten much worse withMore 5 doors smashed in, a broken finger, sprained wrist and multiple cuts and bruises in the last month. He never laid a hand on me prior to this past month. Has been destroying my home most of his life. I also now have list my third job in a year because I've taken so many sick days to recover from the attacks. I just want help...anything.
    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      small and weak

      I can understand not wanting to see your son go to jail.

      That’s a tough decision for any parent to have to make. Sometimes in these

      situations it can help to look at it from a different perspective by asking

      yourself what would you do if anyone other than your son was treating you this

      way. If someone else were to physically assault you, you would most likely call

      the police because assault is illegal. As James Lehman tells us, there is no

      excuse for abuse, not even the fact that he is your son. If after looking at

      the situation this way you’re still not able to call the police, it may be

      helpful to contact your local crisis response to speak with someone about

      developing a safety plan. The 211 Helpline would be able to give you

      information on crisis response services, as well as other support services in

      your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222

      or by going online to 211.org. Good luck to you as you work through this very challenging

      situation. Take care.

  • small and weak
    I too have had that experience with the police. One officer even told me I looked like I've aged 20 years in the one year he had been responding to my calls ,"clearly I am the problem". My son will fake cry when I call the policeMore and then stop as soon as he hears them come up and start trying to injure himself so he can tell the cops I was abusing him....he's literally twice my size of total muscle. I was scared when he was younger but now he throws me across rooms
  • small and weak
    I am in a similar situation but my son is 6 feet and a black belt so he has recently gotten much more violent and is attacking me and hurting me badly. His father abused me and I left him before my son was 1. Now I don'tMore know what to do. I'm scared all the time and have never been so depressed in my life. I have called the police but won't press charges because it scares,me that he may get hurt or he's only doing it because of me. All the same things go through my head as did with his father but with much more intensity for he is my son and I love him beyond anything. He just told me he has to do it so I don't think I can get away with anything I want. What?!!!! I'm scared to death!!!
  • depressedsharon
    What do if your child is 27 and abusive to her mother and refuses to leave?
    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      depressedsharon

      I am sorry you are having to face such behavior from your

      adult child. It may be helpful to contact your local police department to find out how they

      may be able to help you when your daughter is being physically abusive towards

      you. I know the idea of calling the police on your child can be distressing.

      Remember, though, there’s no excuse for abuse. If calling the police isn’t

      something you’re willing to do, then I encourage you to contact your local

      crisis response the next time you find yourself in this situation. The 211

      Helpline can give you information on crisis response services in your area. You

      can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222 or by visiting http://www.211.org/. Good luck to you moving forward. Take

      care.

  • Peter
    Have a niece who was bullied as child and has dysplasia which has resulted in alot of issues in school. She is 15 and is.now out of school refusing to go. She has started a steps programme. Recently we found out she is being abusive towards her mum. Her mumMore is at breaking point and although counselling has been sought. Our niece refuses to go. Please help. Her mum just cries all the time and label herself a bad mum.
    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      @Peter

      I am so sorry to hear your niece is being abusive towards

      her mother. Many parents in that situation find it difficult to ask for help. I

      can understand your concern. Because we are a website aimed at helping people

      who are in a direct parenting role develop more effective parenting strategies,

      we are limited on the advice or coaching we are able to offer to those outside

      that role. You may find it helpful to talk with a crisis counselor or other

      family services professional. The 211 Helpline, a nationwide health and human

      services referral service, would be able to give you information on resources

      in your area. You can reach the Helpline 24 hours a day by calling

      1-800-273-6222 or by visiting them online at 211.org. We appreciate you

      reaching out to Empowering Parents for help in this tough situation. Good luck

      to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

    • Peter
      Sorry dyspraxia
  • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

    @needhelp

    I can hear how distressed

    you are with your daughter’s behavior. It’s understandable, I think most

    parents would feel the same way given your situation. One thing you might

    consider doing is finding out if there is a program referred to as either CHINS

    (Child In Need Of Services) or PINS (Person In Need Of Services). These

    programs can offer parents some additional

    support and oversight when nothing they are doing seems to be working.  You usually have to petition the courts

    for these programs. You could contact your local clerk of courts to find out if

    these programs are available in your area. You might also contact the 211

    Helpline, a nationwide referral service. They would be able to give you

    information on community resources, such as counseling, support groups,

    treatment programs, respite care, and other helpful programs. You can reach the

    Helpline 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. You can also find them

    online at http://www.211.org/. We appreciate you reaching

    out to Empowering Parents for help with what seems like a very tough situation.

    Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

  • taiowa72
    @guest  What did you end up doing? I am facing the same issue EXCEPT his father does nothing about it AND his father is emotional and mentally abusive as well. My son was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder by a Certified Psychologist over a year ago. We paid big moneyMore for it. He has been acting out ever day in school and been placed in detention every day as well. In order to get him into a special LD program at school, they did their little LD district testing and told us there wasn't anything majorly wrong with him except maybe depression.  Well,I'm the one who suffers every day. They have no idea what goes on here and they think they have it bad? What did you end up doing after all, dear?
  • taiowa72

    Quoted from Guest on March 20,2014

    "It does take time and patience I understand that, but when you have literately tried everything and it does not get any better what do you do then? What do you do when your child covers their ears and does not listen to you? What do you do when reasoning doesn't work? What do you do when consequences on bad behavior do not work?What happens when you set up a boundary with a good out come and once he gets what he worked for the next day goes right back into old ways? Taking it away yes done that. But what happens when nothing seems to work and it only happens in the mornings with you and no one else? How do you get your child to act like they do for you so other people can see it and realize it?"

    But Here is my similar dilemma: 

    I have a 16-year-old  son named Nate. He is my only child. I am facing the same issue EXCEPT I have told his father about our sons abuse when he isn't around and  does nothing about it  ALSO his father is emotional and mentally abusive to me as well. But I don't want to discuss him. My son was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder by a Certified Psychologist over a year ago. I finally put my foot down with my husband because he was he had been opposed to it for years but I had a gut feeling that something was not right. Anyway, we ended up paying big money for it. I then took the results to my psychiatrist who made an exception to take him on  a patient even though she wasn't excepting anymore. I had been discussing my son's behavior with her for years and she is the one who initially told me that she thought he may have had Oppositional Disorder in the first place. 

    Well, I started taking him there. We also put him on ADHD meds as well because I had known that for years too, because of his inattention at school. We had only seen her for a few months when his father started filling his head with negative things about psychiatrists being full of bull and that the meds that he was taking weren't working anyway. So my son stopped taking them. My son also started refusing to go. Eventually, my husband demanded that I stop taking him as well since his visits "weren't working."  Before his last visit she pulled me aside and strongly suggested that I take him to a Behaviour Health facility for Children. I called one. I Did an over the phone intake. I was denied the first time, but I didn't give up. I tried a few months later, did an intake, by now the physical violence by my son had escalated, and he was qualified. So I was out on the list. After a few more months, I finally got the call. They said that they had an opening. Unfortunately my husband was sitting right there and I went into the bedroom to take the call, she told me that they had an in patient opening where he would go for two weeks from 8am till 4pm, he would have to be medicated just to see if they would work. I told her yes! But to hold on a few minutes while I discussed it with my husband.  I was so scared because although I knew I was making the best choice for my son, my husband would see differently. I stepped out of the bedroom and told him what was going on and he was FURIOUS! Not only was he furious about me calling them behind his back but because they told him they would have to medicate our son. I have no problems with medications as long as they work. As long as they calm him down. As long he can sit still and focus. Do you understand what I mean? Well, as you probably would have guessed I had to return to the phone and tell he "I apologize, but my husband says no." People who I tell this story to, tell me that I should have done it anyway and that I should have packed my son up in the car and took him regardless. I'd look at them like, "Ae you serious, and suffer the consequences of a husband I was already fearful,l et alone drag a 150-pound teenager into a car and force him to go someplace he didn't want to go!!"

    Anyway he went on to act out and be disruptive  in school every single day (but not as bad as most kids, they'd always tell me) but he'd  be placed in detention every single day as well.The counselors and vice principles would call me in and tell me, "I don't understand why he doesn't understand the consequences of his behaviors, it's like he doesn't care." I'm sitting there thinking, DUH!!!  My son has stabbed other students in the legs with lead pencils, ran so fast down the hall that he has knocked a small kid out so hard he had to see the nurse and vomit, my son has held a knife to my back because I had taken his cell phone or remote control for his video game, or locked the movie channels from off of his TV, whenever he has ither disrespected me or did something that needed to be reprimanded or accountable for. Yet I'm the bad guy in he and his father's eyes. I told his father about the pushing and shoving and the pinning down of my wrists and the holding a knife to my back (playfully or not) AND HE DIDNT BELIEVE ME or he'd pop his head in our sons room and say, Nate stop doing that to your mom." and he'd close the door.

    In order to get him into a special LD program at school, they did their little LD district testing and told us there wasn't anything majorly wrong with him except maybe depression.  Well,  I'm the one who suffers every day. They have no idea what goes on here and they think they have it bad? 

    I told my husband that the next time our son lays hands on me I was going to call the police and he said that if I did that, then I might as well be prepare to pack my bags.

  • germanmomma1

    @JustaMom SaraLetterill  That's not true.I have reported my son and they have done nothing

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