Recently, I was sitting at lunch with a friend, swapping stories about our families. I shared that I was concerned about how my adult stepdaughter was doing—she was facing a difficult situation thousands of miles away from home. “Well,” my friend said, “You don’t have to worry about that. You’re not her real mom.”

Most couples have experienced this situation at one time or another—you think you should discipline your child a certain way, and your spouse wants to handle it differently. You each become entrenched in your position, and that’s when the fighting starts.

Whether you are recently divorced or have been for some time, don’t be anxious that you have ruined your child’s life. You haven’t. While divorce can be a big part of your child’s life, what will determine his ultimate quality of life is still in the hands of each parent. Can children be affected negatively by their parent’s divorce? Most certainly. But it’s important to understand that children are not necessarily doomed to be negatively impacted.

Parenting is never easy, but when you have a blended family—with bio-kids and stepkids, your spouse’s ex, and other extended family members thrown into the mix—things can get very difficult very quickly. We receive questions every week in Empowering Parents from readers who ask: “How can I discipline my stepkids effectively and get their respect? No matter what I do, they just won’t listen to me.” Carri and Gordon Taylor, nationally recognized experts on creating thriving stepfamilies, have answers that have worked for countless stepparents.

This is part 2 of a two-part series by James Lehman, MSW on Blended Families. In this article, James discusses the importance of respectful behavior in a blended family, and how parents can achieve this from all the children in the family.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” said Jill, stepmother to two teen girls and mom to one biological son, aged 10. “My stepdaughters don’t respect me—I’m the ‘evil stepmother’ to them—and pretty much ignore whatever I say. And my son is constantly telling me that my husband isn’t fair, and that he treats him differently than he treats his two girls. Sometimes I get so exhausted by the whole thing I just want to get up and leave.”

When you’re raising or helping to raise a child that is not biologically your own, whether you’re a stepparent in a blended family, have adopted or foster children, or are bringing up your grandchildren, kids may sometimes use this fact against you during the heat of an argument. When a child says “You’re not my mom or dad,” what they’re really trying to do is take the power away from you. Focus on what your role is: caretaker. That means you should inform the child what the rules are in your house. The whole idea here is to avoid a power struggle. What the child is doing is inviting you to a fight. And remember, you don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to. Avoid the power struggle, and calmly state what your role is and what the rules are. It’s very important that you verbalize no judgments about the biological mother or father. Judgments will only lead to more anger and resentment, which will lead to more power struggles.