Adolescent Behavior Changes: Is Your Child Embarrassed by You?

By

Child embarrassed with hand out
70
Shares

“God, you’re so stupid. Just leave me alone!”

If you’re the parent of a teen, you’ve probably heard a version of this coming from your child’s lips—or expressed with an eye roll or door slam. It’s very painful for us when our children suddenly can’t stand the sight of us, and act like they’d rather die than be seen with us. On top of that, many kids become disrespectful when they go through this phase of adolescence. They resort to name-calling, insults and other hurtful behavior. When your child starts doing this, you might look at him and wonder, “Who is this person, this kid who used to love me last year, but suddenly is embarrassed to be with me?”

You have to keep the emotions out of it. It’s not about you; it’s about your child and his behavior.

Buckle up, it’s quite a ride ahead. This behavior is basically the warning sign that adolescence is approaching. We often see it emerge in the pre-teen years, when kids generally don’t have the best communication skills. Your child is not going to say, “Please mom, I need a little space right now. Could you find something else to do?” Instead, she screams, “Leave me alone!”  and slams the door in your face. Part of parent survival here is remembering that this is part of a stage your child is going through. As painful and annoying as it is, understand that your child actually needs to go through this individuation process on the way to adulthood.

How can you deal with this as a parent? Here are three things you can do to get through this difficult time with your teen:

Don’t take it personally

When your child starts ignoring you or pushing you away, try not to take it personally. (More later about how you can handle it when your child uses foul language or is verbally abusive.) Remind yourself that this is a stage they’re going through, and it’s up to you to deal with it in a mature way. If it’s hurtful when your child is embarrassed by you, come up with a slogan you can tell yourself in the moment like, “This is normal; it’s part of adolescence and it’s what he’s supposed to be doing. It’s not about me.”

Offer for FREE Empowering Parents Personal Parenting Plan

Give space when possible

When your child is pushing you away, try to remain rational and focus on what needs to be done. If you get emotional, it just makes that push-pull worse, until it turns into a tug-of-war.

Let’s say you’re out shopping with your 15-year-old daughter and she’s ignoring you and maybe walking ahead of you. Catch up with her and say, “Listen, we have to buy you a pair of jeans today. Let’s figure out how we can do that together. When we’re done, you can have an hour to shop on your own, as long as you tell me where you’re going and take your cell phone with you.” If she objects and insists on going off by herself, don’t get mad. Just say, “We’re here to get you some jeans. If you can’t cooperate, we can leave.” Remember, you don’t have to buy her a pair of jeans if she can’t comply with your simple request.

One important note: When giving your child space in the form of independent activities, you have to feel like she’s old enough and that the situation is safe.  You can start with small steps and then graduate to the bigger step eventually. You might feel better about your daughter going with a friend at first, for example, than letting her go alone.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package

Look for Glimmers

During this stage in your child’s life, you may only see glimmers of the relationship you had when he was younger. It’s worth looking for those glimmers. When kids are in adolescence, their peers become more of the draw than their parents. Sometimes, in order to establish those connections with their friends, they reject their parents a little (or a lot!) and the relationship turns into a push-pull—the more you try to pull them toward you, the more they push you away. This is confusing for parents, because the messages you’re getting from your child are, “Take me to the basketball game, but don’t be seen with me.” The underlying feeling is this: “I really need you, but it’s tough for me to admit it, so I’m going to act like I don’t like you—especially when I’m around my friends.” Some days it can feel like a test—your teen is testing you to make sure you’re still there, but she also wants to be able to push you away when she needs space.

What can you do? I think you have to be there with your child in a different way than you were before. They’re not going to come and sit on your lap, but they might sit in the car with you on a road trip and talk. As parents, we need to adapt to our kids becoming more independent, while also trying to find ways to come together. Rent a movie that your child wants to see, for example, and talk about it together afterward. Use it as a springboard for a conversation about their views on life, and just listen—don’t judge them or tell them what they should think. The time when your child was young and thought you were the most amazing person on the planet might be over, but a new phase—one where you’re able to have interesting discussions about the world—is beginning. Look for those glimmers, and remember, our kids are not there to make us feel good, especially when they’re adolescents. If you’re counting on that, you’re going to be disappointed. It’s just not their job.

Related content: Are Teenagers Selfish, or Just Cocooning?

Kids Who Are Verbally Abusive

While some of the bad attitude and back talk you’re experiencing are a normal (if unpleasant) part of adolescence, some kids cross the line and become verbally abusive to parents. Let me be very clear: This is not something to be accepted and it’s not okay. If you’re in this situation and your adolescent has started to call you foul names or threatened you, it’s important to set limits around this behavior immediately. Again, you have to keep the emotions out of it. It’s not about you; it’s about your child and his behavior.

Let’s say you tell your 16-year-old he can’t go to a party; you have it on good authority that alcohol and drugs will be there. Your child really wants to go because “all my friends will be there,” but you stick to your guns: the answer is still no. He calls you a “f—— b—-,” tells you you’ll be sorry, and slams his bedroom door in your face. You’re standing there seething, thinking, “Now what do I do?” And just how do you keep your emotions out of it and find a way not to personalize the behavior? Let’s face it, it’s hard not to take it personally if someone’s calling you a terrible name.

Here are 3 things to help you deal with a verbally abusive child:

1. Don’t get emotional. Don’t yell back if you can help it. Step away from the door and from the argument. Go take a minute (or an hour, or several hours) to calm down. Separate from your child because remember, this is about pushing and pulling. Go have a cup of tea or do something that relaxes you. If you have someone you can talk to about it that will calm you down, give them a call.

When this is happening, I know it makes you feel like you need to be in charge and make them stop. You feel impotent and suddenly not very empowered. But generally, trying to control the situation just makes it worse. When you step into an argument, it usually escalates from there. It starts with name calling and all of a sudden you’ve grounded your child for a month. He’s heated up and he can’t hear you in any rational way because he’s so angry. Here’s the truth: The most powerful thing you can do is step away from the fight until you can have a rational discussion, where you will set rational limits.

2. Talk about it later. Don’t try to have any kind of conversation with your child until you’re both calm. If he’s in his room by himself after he screamed at you, that’s a great time not to speak with him.  When you’re cool (and that may be an hour or two later) you can tell your child that you don’t appreciate being called foul names. You can even say, “I know you were mad at me because I said ‘no’ to you. But if you’re mad at me, you have to find a different, appropriate way to say it. Cursing at me and verbally abusing me are not okay and there are consequences for that.” Try to be as matter of fact as possible—otherwise it becomes about you and the argument, and not your child’s behavior.

3. Set limits around your child’s behavior. If swearing and name-calling is a pattern of behavior with your child, you need to give him consequences. This behavior needs to be dealt with very strongly—there’s no excuse for abuse, verbal or otherwise. During your conversation, let him know that calling you names and threatening you is unacceptable. Tell him that he will lose his cell phone, for example, for a specified period of time. You can handle that by saying, “You can’t have your phone back until you don’t curse at me or call me a name for 24 hours.” If your child calls you a foul name again six hours later, the 24 hours starts all over again. The other piece of this limit that you’re setting is that your child should go to his room and write a letter of apology to you, which can be a brief paragraph. And what the letter has to say is, “This is what I’ll do differently the next time I want to call you a name.” It should include the apology—and more importantly, a commitment not to do it again.

Ways to Cope

One of the best ways to make this phase of adolescence feel more normal is to talk to other parents. Find someone with older kids who can tell you stories about their own experiences and give you good advice. I also think it’s important to look for the humor in the situation to get past the bad feelings you may have.

And it’s also good to try and remember what it felt like when you were that age. You probably didn’t want to be seen with your parents either, and felt like your friends knew everything and your mom and dad were out of touch.

While your relationship will never be the same as it was when your child was small, it will eventually get better—usually when your child is older and they get more of a sense of themselves.  He needs to know that you’re okay with him becoming more independent. If you can let go of some of the expectations of closeness and of your child being there for you, he won’t need to push you away as hard.

Related content: Parenting Teens: Parental Authority vs. Peer Pressure

Notes and References

About

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program, The Complete Guide To Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™.

Comments (10)
  • Single mother of 5
    I like to say thank you. I just read probably something I all ready new. But it was like being told and it all true. Basically, step back. And as I always say to one of my friends. Remember toMore breath. Amen
  • anonymum
    Everything is super fine between me and my daughter even through the teen years and in fact I have heard so many parents' envious comments how awesome our relationship was and how well-behaved my daughter was. It was after a few episodes of bullying at high school and college andMore triggered her and she started blaming me for it. She was very sure that I was the reason for that. As a single parent, I managed this pretty well by comforting her and telling her there really is no reason for bullying and that I appreciated her sharing everything with me. Years went on, she even in her early twenties still believed my display of motherly affection or worries was embarrassing. While I am going through menopause, this became too stressful for me and I have become very emotional and easily upset.
  • bri
    i’m a teen and this is the truth. teens are stressed and busy and the reason we lash out is because we are annoyed. we have so much to deal with and on top of that there are parents who are needy and want us to be perfectly behaved allMore the time, even when we are upset. this is very upsetting to us especially because it feels like adults are allowed to have real human reactions while we are treated like we are robots or something. as for the verbal abuse, any child who would go as far as to call there parents cuss words that is not normal and is not okay.
  • Mom305786
    My 14 y/o started to push me away, I listen to the news and when I pick her up from activities she asks me tho turn the radio off. Today she was dropped off at home by her friend her parents, I went outside to waive at them as aMore thank iyou and my daughter said do t waive at them, don't waive at them, it was the first time that this happened and that made me feel very bad. I went off and told her to never tell me what to do, i was actually yelling at her. I also asked her if what u did enarresrd her too. She went to her room and I started crying. Maybe it wasn't my best reaction but I have been waiting for her, I missed her.
    • lethalcapsule
      Mom305786  Hope it gets better, god bless xx
  • flowergoddess25
    Haha...i have a saying "Dont bite the hand that feeds you." Being embarrassed of you parents is disrespectful and psychology tries to brain wash us into thinking its normal. News flash...its not normal. In my house if you want respect then you need to give respect. That means dontMore treat your parents like aliens, just like parents dont treat their kids like aliens when they try to wear weird outfits or do their hair funny. You want allowance, the latest video game, or that super cute outfit from the mall; then learn how to treat your parents like a human with feelings, otherwise sorry about your luck chuck, you arent getting a single thing from me.
    • StayCalm
      Flowergoddess25 how does this work for you? I agree with your philosophy but I am very unsure on how to treat my 17 yr old son. He's not verbally abusive just reclusive. He talks to me when he wants something. This has been like this for nearly 2 years. It'sMore very upsetting.
    • Tauresa

      There is actual research to show that during adolecenser their brain is changing. Its not WHAT you think it's happening it's what science has proven is happening.

      Read up on articles on this matter and educate yourself.

  • johnamaro
    I'm a divorce father who has been very close to my daughter,four the last 3 months she won't come over to my place or answer my Tex's every night i tex her and wish her goodnight and that i love her and she doesn't reaply,Can someone help me please.
    • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

      johnamaro

      I can understand your distress. It can be very upsetting when

      your child starts to pull away and doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you.

      This distress can be further heightened when she doesn’t responded to your continued attempts at

      communication. This is one of those situations where less is probably going to

      be more effective, meaning, not trying to force your daughter to spend time

      with you or respond. Truth is, you can’t make someone do something they don’t

      want to, and, the more you try, the further it may end up pushing her away. You

      don’t mention how old your daughter is. If she is a teen, or nearing the teen years,

      it’s normal for her to pull away from her parents and spend more time with her

      friends and peers, either in person or on social media. The important thing to

      keep in mind is that the parent/child relationship does change over time. This

      doesn’t mean you can’t still take steps to keep the lines of communication open

      now. It may be helpful to continue sending her those texts saying good night

      and telling her you love her. You might also consider other ways of spending

      time together other than her coming to your house for visits. You might take

      her to an after school activity or out to lunch or dinner at one of her

      favorite restaurants. Think of things she likes to do and spend time with her

      doing those activities. You may find this article by Janet Lehman helpful for

      thinking of other steps you can take during this transition: Adolescent Behavior Changes: Is Your Child Embarrassed by You?.

      We wish you and your daughter the best of luck moving forward. Take care.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package
Like What You're Reading?
Sign up for our newsletter and get immediate access to a FREE eBook, 5 Ways to Fix Disrespectful Behavior Now
We will not share your information with anyone. Terms of Use
×