Great Article. My biggest problem was reexplaining to my son and trying to get his approval.
Comment By : robinlat
I have 9 year old daughter who is getting worse with her ODD behavior. I am doing TOtal Transformation and had seen some progress but today she went totally the opposite direction and seems to actually be laughing at my discomfort when she acts like she can do anything she wants to do because I can't physically stop her. She is horrible and breaking my heart. My husband is gone much of the time and is not available to help and I know that is part of the problem but he won't change jobs in the near future due to financial reasons so I just have to deal with this alone. We have no family or really close friends nearby as this behavior has alienated others as well.
Comment By : Distressed
You are not alone. We deal with similar behavior from our son. He has ADD and medication helped out immensely. Without it, we could never have implemented the strategies necessary to improve the behavior in the first place. To be clear, the meds were necessary only to get the focus, they were not, and will never be, a cure-all. The shared choices described in the article below work the best for us. He is less defiant when he "thinks" he had input into the plan, including the consequences of failing to abide by it. Good Luck!
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/DS00630/DSECTION=treatments%2Dand%2Ddrugs
Comment By : Dave
I like this article, especially when it says that we don't have to wait for the kids to LIKE our decision. We (my husband and myself) often get roped into discussions all the time, and I think behind our getting roped in is the desire WE have for them to come to a conclusion that, yes, Mom and Dad made sense and I like what they came up with (not going to happen). The ONLY thing not addressed here in this article is that we say "no" too quickly sometimes, when the kids have indeed come up with a better rationale that we, because we really don't give the issue full consideration, haven't thought of. I think both the kids AND we would be far better off if we said, at their initial request, "Let me think about that and I'll give you an answer by -----; what's your best case for doing ----?". That way, the kids get to state their case without emotion (because they haven't been told "no" yet) and we get to weigh in their reasoning without going back on our original decision (which we do sometimes, and ends up making us look weak or indecisive).
Comment By : kc
I have tried this methodology and it works. The hardest part is retraining us "the parents". Give it a good honest try and I bet it will work for you too!
Comment By : PJD
I am a step Mother of a 14 year old girl with ADHD and ODD, also, because of her age, there is a reluctance on the doctor's part to diagnose borderline personality. I find your newsletters a great source of inspiration. Thankyou. There is a little girl in there!!
Learning to control adult responses is also difficult, when our girl wants something badly enough she will lie in wait for an opportunity to push buttons! She knows I will get distracted at some point in the day, I have learned to recognize the approach and, more often than not remain resolute.
Comment By : Stepmomster
Excellent article. I spent much of my time trying to explain to my son why or why not I made a certain decision...a waste of time. He wouldn't even listen to me unless I said whatever he wanted to hear. But we are so used to repeat the same pattern that it is difficult to apply your advise.
Comment By : Susana
Distressed, I feel your pain. I am a divorced mother with my second son having ODD with other issues. He embarasses me all the time with his disrespect and verbal abuse. It breaks my heart and sometimes I just want to hide in my room and cry. What did I do to deserve this? Their father is not much help as all he says is, "He doesn't do that at my house". Maybe there needs to be an article in the future about mothers only, about how children push so far with them versus their fathers or other father figures. I'm trying really hard not to give my son extra attention for his ODD behaviors, but then I question if that's the right thing or not. This article is one small step, I think, in a much bigger journey.
Comment By : Indianamomof4
I have a 19 year old daughter, that returned from college, with poor grades and as a result, we have directed her to the local junior college. She's not employed and has been seeking employment, at a slow pace. She is not willing to accept our few curfew rules and since she's had her independence, finds us completely unreasonable. She has moved out and sleeping on the floor of a friend's apartment and has no job or money.She had crossed the line into verbal abuse, by being insulting and hurtful. Where's the nice girl we raised ??
Our 16 year old son, using his control, will not speak. He refused to join us for dinner with his 88 & 90 year old grandparents. He does not have his license and each time we try to move forward, he mouths off. He gets short tempered and is disrespectful. When I try to talk about an issue, he doesn't look at me, or respond. Yikes, who says summer is supposed to be fun ?
Comment By : trayford
I liked the other post that suggested not answering immediately, but rather offering your child an opportunity to present their argument in a respectful, well thought out way, and then making a decision. Combine that with the article's advice to offer a specific time to have that discussion, and not allowing it to drag on and on, makes the most sense to me. It's a happy medium to just saying 'no' outright without really thinking it through and to allowing the onslaught of repeated requests.
I like the article's example of the traffic cop, which is one I use often with my kids in many forms, but I also look at the way we communicate and problem solve as compared to an employer/employee relationship. A good employer will listen to a well thought out and respectful challenge to a policy or decision, and a good employee will present their difference of opinion privately, at an agreed upon time, and with solid reasons to back up their position. Sometimes the employer will see the merit in their arguments and change their mind, sometimes they won't, but the good employee will accept their employer's final decision without further challenge, whether they agree or not.
This principle came be used in many situations, like in school with a teacher or a professor. I do want my kids to challenge authority but not disrespect it. There is a fine line there. Thank you for this article, it was helpful and gave me some motivation to be more consistent and firm when my kids become disrespectful and combative in their efforts to convince me they are right.
Comment By : Wendy
I go through this with my 8 year old constantly. My stock response is "You asked, I answered and explained. End of discussion". I know I'm tired of say it but apparently he's not tired of hearing it yet.
Comment By : Jane
A good article and another reminder that we know with our ODD kid that to buy into any argument is an act in futility as it pushes every button he has in regards to opposition. When he was little arguing with him led to tantrums and trying to make his teachers understand that concept was difficult. One 4th grade teacher devised an excellent alternative to 1-2-3 Magic counting by simply picking up his daily points sheet and taking off marks. She said she got instantaneous response from him every time. He just shut up and did as he was asked. When I asked him about his response, he replied "I don't want to lose points". My argument with teachers was that he needed a visual or verbal cue like counting 1-2-3 Magic style to stop his behaviors. He didn't recognize adult responses to his arguments as a cue to stop, therefore he gets in more trouble. He is turning 13 in September, and is improving with age. We have been using 1-2-3 Magic and time-outs since he was 4 years old. This article is another reminder to me to cut the verbals!
Comment By : khar59
Another old idea that's new again! My parents, grandparents and all the adults in my childhood world handled backtalk exactly as recommended in this article. I am sometimes amazed that we have 'forgotten' that we are the adults now, and that it's OK to use the same methods that seemed to work for many generations. I often hear from my counterparts that "kids have changed so much". Well, maybe so, but I really think that adults' treatment of children has changed, and that our children are merely responding to our tendencies to give in, to never ever do anything to "lower the child's self esteem" (even when the behavior is shameful!) When I was little, I was sure that my parents must hate me when they refused to let me argue, or backtalk, or do it my way. As I grew up, and had children and now grandchildren of my own, I came to realize that Mom and Dad were really smart, and loved me enough to care about my behavior (in the home and in the world) and to teach me that as the adults.....they had the last word!!!
Comment By : Granmama
Excellent article. After long procrastination, I'm committed to implementing Total Transformation in my home.
Comment By : Lucky Lee
I like this article. We have used this information and incorporated our own styleinto it. We have 4 children ages 10, 10, 8 and 4. With the exception of the 4 yr old we allow the children to approach us with a request and stating their case BEFORE we make the decision. Once the decision is made the "hearing" is over. We still get some back talk but it ends quickly once we tell them they "should have stated their case more clearly". The children end up thinking about what they REALLY want versus just anything to request because it takes more time and effort. The 4 yr old is learning this technique and is even trying it out on his own. By the way, we are not legal people, but the kids feel more "grown up" with this style.
Comment By : TXRN1966
My parents/grandparents had a subtly different approach to back-talking children - first was the 'glare' and the accompanying DEAFENING silence and, if that didn't suffice - back talk was treated with a swift hand to the BACK side. However - I feel corporal punishment has a VERY limited place in raising my children so I prefer to be more literal. This approach DOES work - absolutely refusing to get in to the explanation game with a child over the rules you set is key. Far too many parents treat 8 year old children as if they were little adults. Emotionally - children are not able to reason until far later in life and to expect them too leads to nothing short of disappointment. Be firm and reasonable in all things and your children will follow your lead.
Comment By : DaddyBeenThere
Especially to: Distressed
I am a divorced mother of a 10 yr old daughter who has ODD AND is bi-polar. What a depressing situation to handle alone! I have been struggling with this since she was 3 years old, and finally have found a medicine to handle most of the bi-polar symptoms, but the ODD is raging!!!! God bless all of you sharing this dilemma.
Comment By : clm
This is a huge problem with my 12 year old son who has ADD. He'll definitely make a good lawyer some day because he refuses to stop arguing with me until he's satisfied either with the answer or that he has worn me out. I am sometimes quick to say "no" which frustrates him. I agree that giving them a chance to explain is a good idea. My biggest issue is that, if I say no, he follows me and continues arguing. Sometimes I re-engage (bad!) and sometimes it turns into a yelling match. How do you end it effectively if he does this and what is a proper consequence if he continues arguing? (I also like James' advice of setting ground rules when it's calm). Thanks.
Comment By : jaynie
This is a huge problem with my 12 year old son who has ADD. He'll definitely make a good lawyer some day because he refuses to stop arguing with me until he's satisfied either with the answer or that he has worn me out. I am sometimes quick to say "no" which frustrates him. I agree that giving them a chance to explain is a good idea. My biggest issue is that, if I say no, he follows me and continues arguing. Sometimes I re-engage (bad!) and sometimes it turns into a yelling match. How do you end it effectively if he does this and what is a proper consequence if he continues arguing? (I also like James' advice of setting ground rules when it's calm). Thanks.
Comment By : jaynie
My 12 year old daughter likes to think she is smarter than me so she pushes and pushes until I blow up and end up sending her to her room.
I knew then that I was wrong to get into arguments with her \"after\" I gave her my decision, but this article helps me to KNOW it is wrong and to now handle the backtalk correctly. No more arguing, no more blowing up! I\'m going to stay calm (oh, Lord!) and end the conversation at MY last word. Great Article!
Comment By : Learningtobestronger
I really think that talking with your children when both you and they are calm and setting the rules is a great idea. I used it with my children, grandchildren, and now my great-grandchildren. I have some very respectful, and fun to be around kids today as a result.
Comment By : El KAY
First of all, thank you James for another excellent article. The issues you address always hit home. Second, thank you to the parents who post comments about their own situations, it helps me to realize I am not alone as a parent and there are LOTS of other parents dealing with difficult issues with their children. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Bi-polar, Anxiety, Depression and pschitophrenia. He's currently on more medication than his grandmother!! So thank you parents for sharing your concerns, it's nice to know where all in this together, and with these wonderful articles from James, we'll eventually get through it all.
Comment By : Jen
I am the grandma of my 12 year old granddaughter. I lost my daughter to complications from diabetes, and as a result, I am now raising my 12 yr old grand daughter. I am also in a wheelchair. She has ALWAY been such a little sweetheart UNTIL she turned about 10 yrs old, and then I saw a totally different child. She is ALWAYS arguing with me, and this article has proven that it is ME that need a readjustment in how I am raising her. I am going to use this method from THIS moment on, and I WILL let you know what my results are.
Comment By : mconway15
This is the biggest problem I have with my 15 year old daughter. To the point that she can bring me to tears because she just won't back off or stop. The backtalk is the main reason I tried total transformation and the solution is so simple.
Cheri
Comment By : Cheri
* Dear Distressed:
It certainly is frustrating when your child's inappropriate behaviors get worse, especially when you've seen some recent improvement. As uncomfortable as it is, it's actually a good sign that your daughter has turned up the intensity somewhat. It shows that she has noticed you are doing something different. As you respond to your daughter in more calm, effective ways, she is going to wonder what happened to the "old mom" who used to give in to her tactics. By laughing at your discomfort, she is trying to get those old, ineffective responses she used to get from you. She wants to upset you in order to feel that she is in control. I know it's hard work, but you have to keep using your program tools - state your expectations for her behavior calmly and clearly, then walk away. Hang in there--things will improve if you continue to stand firm.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
Now to put what I have just learned into action.
Comment By : Toni
I wonder if anyone here has ever given thought to the fact that alot of times, a child acts out as do teens, because their brain has not fully developed their frontal lobe until their early 20's? As a child, I was diagnosed with ODD and several other problems. My parents were constantly seeking advise to change my behavior, but would reject any advise on how to relate better to me. I am now a parent and I think that alot of what people are diagnosing as disorders are really a parents inability to truly connect with their child. I have 2 step kids that live here 13 and 12...as well as a 4yr old, 2yr old, and one on the way. Parents forget that their children have emotions and feelings that they are not yet capable of fully controling. My parents tried all of these things to help me, and all it did was cement in my mind that they didnt understand me, wouldnt listen to me, and that they never would. And just so you know, it is still the same way. Sure, we get along, but those old feelings are still there. My mother judges everything I do from how I dress to how we parent. She is never satisfied, though she may seem to be to others. Children are people, with individual personalities, likes, dislikes and temperments. Im not saying allow your children to do anything, and I think that Dr Lehman has some good points. For some families, these ideas may work. However, what about what we as parents can do to identify and relate better to where our kids are coming from. Otherwise, even as our children age, they may always feel not good enough or like they will never be the kid you wanted. You may wonder where your precious baby has gone. However, what you really have is a young person who is trying to find alot in their life. Where do they fit in, who are their real friends, do they love a boy or girl in their class, who will they be when they grow up...these are all stresses and pressures that as you age, you seem to forget all about. As parents you may not think these things are important. Maybe your child is just as disappointed in their life as you are, but with unapproachable parents bent on "straightening the kid out" who do they look to for guidance? NOT YOU. I still do not look to my parents for guidance on anything. They still shove their opinions and beliefs down my throat, and criticize everything I do. So, before your child hates you in a way that doesnt end, perhaps you should ask them what they dont like about you. What is it that YOU do that makes them so angry. Maybe then you can work together on solutions. Or at least they will know that you care enough to try and change what you can about yourself (within reason) and will see that you are working with them not on them. A child is sort of like a broken car. You cant just read a book and fix a car. You must first learn everything you can about that car and how it works. Then you can begin to try to find problems and work to fix them. In our house, we have rules and limits on behavior. We dont argue much and usually dont get dragged into long drawn out arguements or fights. We used to though. Especially with my step kids. I refused to accept poor behavior and really cracked down on what was acceptible. Guess where that got me? Into family counseling with my stepdaughter. She thought that I hated her, and that she would rather run away than live with me. Not us, me. So we have had alot of work to do, both of us. We talked about what we disliked about each other and what we were willing to do to correct it or at least try to fix it. We are now pretty close. We understand each other better, and both explain where we are coming from. She is 12. If we can do this, anyone can. Dont forget that you are not the only one with feelings in your house. You dont like it when they roll their eyes, and they dont like it when you always snap or nag them. Perhaps there is a solution that is deeper. Dr.Lehmans ideas work well when you realize that his ideas are aimed at correcting YOUR behavior and responses, not your childs. If you arent sure what that means, Ill tell you. YOU are the one with issues. THEY are children and inherently difficult, but it is YOU that encourages blow ups and huge fights, not your kids. Everyone's thing I read says my kid this, my kid that. She is bad, he is mean. None of that is what Dr Lehman or any other doctor would say. They would say to correct YOUR parenting. Perhaps we should more closely examine ourselves before we blame it all on our children, who we raised.
Comment By : hannah
We also ask our son to present his rationale upon making a request especially if he thinks we will be resistent. This gives him the opportunity to think thru his request and us the opportunity to consider what might not have occurred to us. Afterwards we make the
decision. Our son knows that it does no good to argue with us.
Comment By : Ruth
your put your feet under my table for meals, I am the final authority. I told them repeatedly that I trusted them implicitly that they would always make the right and responsible decision for themselves whenever they were away from home. There were a couple of times that I told them that if they didn\'t like the rules in our home that they were free to look for another place to live -in fact, i would help them. Maybe there was another mother or father that they would rather live with. Today they are both grown with their own children - we are all very close (all best friends). It\'s a beautiful relationship with them all. Let your children know that you \"trust\" them to make the right decisions for themselves. It\'s amazing how even, given the opportunity, even a 3 or 4 year old will make the \"right\" decisions when they \"know\" that you trust them.
Comment By : sophie
KC - I love your method of involving the kids in the decision making process without undermining the authority of the parents. I think I'l try to give this a try myself. Thanks!
Comment By : michellej
I have a 13 year old that has ADD and ODD as well everything with him takes extra effort even when trying the different techniques that you suggest he is stil using up a lot of my energy, do you thinmk I may need to try a different kind of medication for him which for now is medidate and stratera, there are times when I just want to send him some were else to live and just move on with my life, he is so draing and I am so tired,do not even feel like trying with him any more, I\'m just out of sorts with him.
Comment By : Lovingme41
These reader comments make me feel less alone as a single mom raising 2 boys. The older one (13)has ADHD, cannot sit still, feels as if he is the victim in every scenario, has to have the last word and just physically and mentally exhausts me. God bless all of you who are out there trying to teach children to be thankful for what they have, respectful of their parents and compassionate human beings.
Comment By : Tired Mom
Dear Distressed:
This may not be what you want to hear. But, the situation you describe could be me and my daughter (now 21). I came to realize no matter how much I wanted a good relationship during her at-home years, that may not happen. Instead of killing myself working toward that, I determined to be the person I wanted to be...kind, loving, caring yet no one to be manipulated by anyone, even her. The "walk-away" approach is my favorite. Of course, this is only after the rules are clear. But, I think you'll be most at peace if you do NOT let her behavior change you. Hopefully you will have more success at a nice relationship than I did. As it is now, she and I are close, but she's not ready to threat me kindly all the time...usually only when she wants something. One bright spot I did see from way back is she is very defensive on my behalf. "Nobody messes with my mommy," is something I've heard her say many times. Too bad she doesn't apply that to herself!!!
Comment By : Mrs. S.
i was glad to read this. the insights and reassuring were most welcome! i came to the point when my son was 4 where i realized that my little genius is always jockeying for his way and it seemingly never ends... so i started cutting him off at the beginning of the backtalk and saying "you asked, i answered." and then he stops. he forgets sometimes, but it's a simple statement that allows me not to argue and reminds him not to persist because he's gotten the only answer he's getting... of course, i came to these beautiful 4 words by shortening having had repeated myself too many times and realizing that those were the main 4 words that are worth repeating--whenever the need arises!
Comment By : Lesley in Seattle
note to distressed: when my son was acting out and i'd gotten to the end of my rope, i called my husband and work and told him to fix it! your husband can fix this one too, and here's how. have him schedule 2 phone calls a day with your daughter to: tell her he loves her, ask how her day's going?, what's going on at school?, i got you a surprise; we're going out to lunch just the two of us when i get back--you pick the place; remember to help your mom around the house... i guarantee you, his attention will change her tune asap! many times when kids act out, they're wanting/longing for attention you can't give'm--they want their other parent. so give her what she wants. surely, your husband can give her 5-6 minutes a day. and when she's not around, make sure he leaves her a message that she can listen to later! my son looks forward to the voice mails, and notes on the whiteboard... good luck! keep your head up!
Comment By : lesley
note to distressed: when my son was acting out and i'd gotten to the end of my rope, i called my husband at work and told him to fix it! your husband can fix this one too, and here\'s how: have him schedule 2 or 3 phone calls a day with your daughter to: tell her he loves her; say goodnight and sweet dreams; ask how her day\'s going?; what\'s going on at school?; i got you a surprise; we\'re going out to lunch just the two of us when i get back--you pick the place; remember to help your mom around the house; do me a favor and (assign some small chore/task that you [mom] wants done; etc. i guarantee you, his attention will change her tune asap! many times when kids act out, they're wanting/longing for attention you can't give'm--they want their other parent. so give her what she wants. surely, your husband can give her 5-6 minutes a day. and when she's not around to take the call, make sure he leaves her a message that she can listen to later! my son looks forward to the calls, voice mails, and notes on the whiteboard... and even a post card from a short business trip is worth gold. if he's travelling a lot, that could be a great way for them to bond and when they go to lunch, he can share about where he was and how he thought about her while he was there... good luck! keep your head up!
Comment By : lesley
i've distilled down the talk balk response to 4 beautiful words: "you asked, i answered". there is no more discussion once i say that. but i like ruth's approach, so i may incorporate that to give more power to the kids. afterall, we're raising our children to be independent and responsible adults, and they can't very well get that way if they don't think things through! thanks ruth!
Comment By : lesley
I have a thirteen year old that thinks I am the worst person going, she does not even do her chores for me anymore, what happens to them when they turn 13. We can very rarely have a normal conversation, but when she goes to her aunts or other friends they say that she is the most wonderful little girl they have ever had over and she is just so helpful. They also say that she is more resposible and mature then any other kids that they have had over. What can I do to make her the same way at home? I have given her everything and people tell me that I have spoiled her to much, it just that when she was younger she did things to get special gifts, she kept her grades up and cleaned her room and helped around the house it is just that she does not do it now, so I have not bought her anything special lately, because she does not do these things anymore. Please can someone give me some advice I am getting so angry with her lately, and I do not know how much longer that it will work to take her special things away from her like her psp, mp4, telephone etc. or how much longer grounding will work either. I so do not want to fight with her all the time, I would like to have positive time with her again. Thank you
Comment By : tired and angry
For a long time I let my wife deal with the kids while I was either at work or doing ministry. I have always tried to win my childrens behavior problems by being kind and spend time with them doing what they enjoyed. Now I realize that I have caused more harm by not putting my foot down (see Dad, I knew one day it would sink in!)and teaching them to obey. Last night my 9 year old son got upset because I tried to teach him to handle some money he was given in an appropriate way. He pointed to my failures with money and claimed that we were poor and he would have no part of it. Finally he said he was leaving. He packed his backpack, grabbed some chips and juice and said "I'm leaving". It was hard, but I gave him a hug and told him that this would always be his home. He walked out the door and then out to the driveway. Meanwhile I prayed that God would protect him. He did...about 3 minutes later my son walked back in the door and came over and hugged me and apologized. Thanks for everyone sharing and for Empowering Parents. I know I still have a long way to go, but I know I am not the only one.
Comment By : NS
Another single mom here. Yes, please, we are a special case and we need some special help. Write a book for single moms, or at least write an article to encourage us! My two boys never act out with their dad, so he thinks I'm the problem. Still not sure about all these diagnosis, ODD, ADHD, etc. Seems all kids inherit these disorders at the same age and suddenly come down with learning disabilities all at the same age when they didn't have them when they were younger. Could it have anything to do with hormones? Will they get through it if we don't medicate them? Really, I'm not saying anyone is wrong, I'm just wondering. Anyway, excellent article. My 11 year-old son just started middle school and suddenly he thinks I'm not allowed to parent him any longer, he is in charge of everything. We've argued every night for the past 3 weeks, but it is a good reminder to cut off the exchange once the rule is set and the answer is given. I will try to remember this. Its good to hear from you single moms. Reminds me I'm not alone and my child is not the only one that does this!
Comment By : mombee
I have 4 children who are minors living @ home. They seem to do the "chain reaction". The younger ones pick up from the older ones. While i was reading this artticle, i was thinking about how my 9 year old daughter realy gets to me. Just then, she came into my room @ 9:15 pm, (after being sent to bed a number of times) asking me if she can call her friend to tell her good night. After telling her no it was to late and that she needs to be in bed and that i was sure that her mother would not like the idea that shes calling so late, she turned to me and told me that her mom died. I then turned around and said i already said no and thats that now go to bed. But like you said they need to have the last word. She then repeated herself turned around went into her room and slammed the door. My imediate reaction told me to stand-up go into her room and start to argue with her. But i decided not to.I find myself argueing with her everyday. I am so tired of it. She's only 9 acting as if she was 18. Now my 5 year old daughter is trying to test the waters. What can i do to stop it with her before it's too late?
Comment By : exhausted
First - God Bless everyone that does raise children. I found this site because I always search for ideas and to see if I am off base about anything. I am new to the site and already see that we will benefit by my reading it.
I would like to agree with many of the comments made by Hannah. I clearly acknowledge the need for meds and therapy – but I also think that as a society, we are far too ready to “take a pill and find the easy way out”. That has been passed on to each generation which seems to only fall deeper into the lie that we don’t control our own lives.
My husband and I had no children – by choice. Then my childhood friend died and we became the guardians of our 11 ½ year old God Daughter. My friend was very ill and she had "over nurtured" our God Daughter. At 11 ½ she was emotionally 5 and still wanted carried. She could not even cut her own food with a knife. She just turned 14 yesterday! She has gone from the problem child failing all things and making me want to get in the car and drive away forever to an A/B student that is happy. Every day is still not a rose, but whose life is? How did this happen...we set rules, we stopped candy fests (we also eat 90% organic), and we only allowed one hour of TV a day. When we teach her things, we do it with her...over and over again. When she was bad, we punished. She lost her right to her 13 birthday party because she lied (a big lie on top of a string of lies). For other things her punishment (told to us by a 22 year old) was to sit at the dining room table (after dinner until bed time) where she was allowed to do ONLY her homework. Then she had to sit there doing nothing but thinking about what caused her to be there. The last hour or so of each punishment, she and I would talk about what she was thinking. I then found ways to help her address those thoughts. We roll played, we practiced public speaking, and we did many things that I have read here also. It didn't take too many days of this before she thought twice about her actions. In fact, we have not had to do this since she was 12 ½. But we still have the daily reviews of both happy and sad issues.
The biggest problem that I see is that she was allowed to be a lazy, spoiled, demanding brat because that was the easy way for my friend. That laziness seems to be the source of the majority of her issues, ranging from not paying attention to her interacting with others. I have found that may core lessons just didn’t reach her and we spend time introducing these concepts to her. Yes- there have been a few “world wars here” and I am sure that there will be others, but for the most part we have reached a level family life. She does still seem to be very inconsistent with her learning of new things and has stated that if she doesn’t learn it she will not have to be responsible for it (anything). But again, it seems to tracks back to being lazy. She now has friends (she didn’t before and always cried and got “sick”), self respect and accomplishments which have brought her security. We are her guardians, we are her teachers, we are her support and love…BUT I am NOT her best friend!!! My husband and I are both 46 and we were both raised by older parents. Even some extended family thought that we were being too hard on her and they all wanted to continue babying her. The fact of the matter is that if we had done that, we where only taking the easy way out ourselves and NOT doing her any favors!!! I have learned to take “time outs” for myself. And I am going to make myself stick to the hints on back talking here as I realize that I still “engage” with that too much. Good luck to everyone!! And remember, anything worth having is worth working for!!!
Comment By : Auntie Mom
I have a 15 year old son who has had a really bad attitude toward me and to other adults, like teachers etc for a very long time. Like since he was 5 or 6. My question is , is it to late for him if I start these techniques with him now?
Comment By : Concerned mom
* Dear Concerned Mom: Thanks for your question. It’s absolutely not too late to start turning your son’s behavior around. In fact, many of the parents we work with on the Parent Support Line began the Total Transformation program in order to deal with their teen’s inappropriate behaviors. Using the tools in the program, you can help your child learn better skills, and better behavior, before he goes out into the world as a young adult. Your son may have some established habits, but as soon as he sees that those old behaviors aren’t solving his problems any longer, he will need to change. You might be surprised at how quickly you can help create more appropriate behavior. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
This is absolutely effective in dealing with my son, but after 16 years of dysfunction he is able to suck me right into the arguments before I even realize it. This truly takes a change in parenting. I am the first to admit how hard that it and how many times I take 2 steps backwards for every step forward.
Comment By : deb
Does anyone have any thoughts re: why we're seeing so many behavioral/personality issues with children in this generation? Seems so much more extreme and more frequent as a percent of the population. Is it chemicals in food, water, air? Is it a difference in parenting? Is it TV and Video content? Were there always children with these problems, but we didn't talk about it as much. Just seems like there are more children with very aggressive and troubled personalities...what happened? We are dealing with my grandson who is 6yrs old. He breaks down when he thinks he's losing something, and he does a bit of backtalking. 85-90% of the time he behaves well, but the other 10-15% of the time - whew! - he's a handful. How do you convince the parents that they may have to change, too. I bought them the Total Transformation program, but I can't make them read/watch it - any other grandma's in this situation?
Comment By : Grandma with Concerns
I have a 10 year old who is diagnosed with A.D.H.D , Bipolar , ODD . I am a single mother with 2 children and its taking a toll on me to deal with day to day problems. This is the first time I have read comments from other parents and it is so comforting to know I am not the only one with this problems.Always remember to end every situation with love.
Comment By : Joy
In our house we deal with back talkk, mumbling and muttering all the same. I cup my hand to my ear and say, "What's that? Oh you want to scrub my shower for me? (or the kitchen floor, or sunroom floor, or bathroom floor, or bleach the oil stains off the driveway, or wash the front windows, or whatever needs to be done. Even if the offender doesn't learn early to cut it out, my house is really really clean. The sad part of this though is that they usually give up this self defeating behavior pretty quickly.
MoM(Mom of Many)
Comment By : sahmiam
my 12 year old disrespects constantly,backtalks and threatens all the time. He is doing poorly in school and i have done everything in my power to help get my control back. im seriously rattled and am trying to do anything to stop all of this drama. craziness -
Comment By : bouncing of the walls here
Yes, I agree with walking away after giving an answer. However, I have a 15 yr old daughter who is very strong willed a will follow me where I go demanding a different response. The longer I am silent the louder and more disrespectful she becomes. Eentually I end up screaming. I never change my answer. Im just so tired of fighting.
Comment By : tired
Hi Jim,
Your meaty article reminded me of the days I taught elementary school. I told the students I would only give directions once. Because I was consistent, they listened well.
I raised my boys with repeating the rule and stopped talking if they used backtalk. Their wives have asked them how I disciplined. They both said, "Mom got quiet." They knew if they tried arguing it wouldn't work.
Your article is right on, James. Thanks for thinking it through and writing it so clearly.
Jean
Comment By : Jean Tracy, MSS
Excellent article. I have a 8 yr old who, when asked to go to bed, time to go to school, etc., throws a temper tantrum. I have blown it for I tend to erupt and yell at him thereby making it worse. I have threatened with taking his video games, to include his PS2 away, but nothing yet.
I try to plan special days for him and I to spend the day together fishing, etc., but still no results. Quite frankly, I do not know what to do and it is creating a strain in my marriage. I will, however, follow this article and also try to reprogram myself to not respond when my "hot button" is pushed. Any other advice would be appreciated. thanks
Comment By : etplot
I have a 16 year old daughter that has been increasingly mean over the last few months. Yesterday, I sent her a message to let her know that her dad was coming home (he has been working out of town for about a month now) and she asked me why would she care. She told me that she would rather be with her best friend than be with us. She is spending the week with her friend. She and her dad have not been getting along for awhile now and we dont even know why. She constantly tells me that she doesn't like him but has no explaination why this is. She will be turning 17 in September and is always saying that she only has three months till she is moving out of our house. She told me last night that when she moved out she hoped she never saw me again and to leave her alone. I know she will be wanting me to come pick her up sometime this week and I have to say I am dreading it. She is getting verbally abusive more and more everyday. If I tell her no then she starts again. It doesn't even matter what its about. I think I'm going to be crazy pretty soon. Help!
Comment By : njones
I have a 15yr old daughter who doesnt listen to me.She disrespects me,curses at me,doesnt to chores or helps out,she talks back with verbal language and basically when i tell her not to do something she does it anyway.She sneaks out at night to be with her friends and I can't sleep at night.I have been a single mom for 21yrs.What do I do?
Comment By : worn out mom in ohio
* Dear Worn Out Mom in Ohio:
A lot of parents call us on the support line and describe behaviors such as you are describing--situations that have spiraled into a child behaving in numerous defiant ways. James Lehman wrote the Total Transformation program with these kinds of challenging behaviors and attitudes in mind. When there is a lot going on, it can feel overwhelming and paralyzing--not knowing where to start. Fortunately, the Total Transformation program will guide you through the right thing to do first. And it’s paced correctly too. But it’s a process that will take time. Your daughter will need time to learn new skills to manage her behaviors appropriately.
The first part of the lessons focus on your interactions with your daughter. This is important and lays the foundation for change. That foundation is a ‘new authority’ in yourself and a new ‘sense of accountability’ in your daughter. After laying this foundation you can begin to use the programs specific tools.
There is one behavior that you mentioned that you might have to jump in with both feet right off the bat, however. It sounds like your child might be participating in some unsafe behaviors, such as sneaking out at night. What you might do is tell her that if she does it again, you will have to call the police and get their assistance because it’s unsafe to be out in the middle of the night unsupervised. (Make sure you follow through and call each and every time she sneaks out.)
It’s always important, but critically so when a child is particularly defiant, to follow the program as recommended. It takes a little work and practice to create that ‘culture of accountability’ that James talks about. But it can be done. I’ve had the privilege of hearing many parents tell me their success stories. Call the support line. They will help you with specific guidance every step of the way. Keep in touch. We want to help.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
My three and a half year old has recently started exhibiting behavior like the one described in the article. He talks back, never listens to what we ask him to do (regardless of what tone you take with him). We tried everything, from talking with him, from time-outs and loss of privileges to reward charts, and nothing seems to work. We try to reinforce good behavior by exaggerated praise and ignore bad behavior when it's not important. But it seems like the more we ignore it the more he thinks it is allowed. How do we deal with it? I know how important it is to cut it where it grows, and would like to learn how to stop it before it gets worse as he grows up. The problem is that he is not old enough to be able to understand/connect some things and words; he lives by the present moment and although he may promise to be good next time, when the next time comes, he does not want to keep his word. This situation is affecting my younger child, who seems to be forced to go through the consequences with his brother. Please help me!
Comment By : Mom of 2 boys
* Dear mom of 2 boys:
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say your 3 and a half year old is not able to understand or make connections between actions and consequences. One of the developmental tasks of a 3 to 4 year old is to figure out what works and what doesn't, and how much power they actually have in their world. Neither of these are "bad" things, it is just part of the territory - this is how people learn, and kids learn a lot during these younger years. Remember, kids this young have very few skills for dealing with frustration. Temper tantrums are common during this time (you might read this article on
temper tantrums for more support). Taking things away, arguing with him during a tantrum, and trying to talk to him logically about his actions are unlikely to be successful. You might have more success if you tackle one of the troubling behaviors and talk about it with your child - in short, simple language; for example, rather than tell him it isn't nice to call names, say "when I tell you to pick up your toys, it is not okay to hit and call me names." He will not understand abstract concepts like "being nice," or "playing fair." Especially at this age, you are your child's coach - focus on building his skills. Let him know what is not okay, then let him know what IS okay instead. Let him know that when he can show you that he practiced his new skills, he will earn a reward - whether that is time with a favorite toy, or an extra 5 minutes outside. Then, practice together when things are calm; kids this age do especially well with role playing and rehearsal. When he is starting to get upset, you can remind him of what you practiced together, even doing it with him at that time. This is a great way to increase his skills, and it is good for his siblings as well - the younger one will benefit from seeing how mom and dad deal with problems - by working it out together. Good luck, and please keep in touch.
Comment By : Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor
I just need to know how to administer consequences. I need to learn how to stay calm and what appropriate consequences are. I have no idea -- do you have a list of some sort that would assist me in figuring out what to do on my part?
Comment By : Wendy
* Dear Wendy:
We appreciate the opportunity to answer this question. We’re asked this question frequently. The answer, however, is not straight forward. While there are ideas for age appropriate consequences listed in the Total Transformation program workbook, we do not recommend ‘just giving a consequence’ to stop problem behaviors. A consequence is only one part of a system of problem solving that changes behavior. In order for any discipline to work well there needs to be a learning component attached to it. The child needs to problem solve with you around what they will do differently the next time this situation occurs. (Use the instructions in Lesson 6 of the Total Transformation program, ‘The Alternative Response Process’, to learn how to have a successful problem solving discussion with your child.) Consequences and punishments are not the same. Punishments are usually given in anger, are frequently harsh, and are used to demand compliance. Consequences are given when disciplining a child for making the wrong choice and are designed to teach a lesson. What we would suggest as your discipline goal is to learn how to help your child problem solve. For more information on problem solving and effective consequences, refer to this article by James Lehman: How to Give Kids Consequences That Work http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Give-Kids-Consequences-That-Work.php Call us on the Support Line for more ideas on applying the program techniques.
Comment By : Carole Banks, Parental Support Line Advisor
Thank you for making the distinction between backtalk and verbal abuse. I've been trying to figure out exactly what backtalk truly consisted of and how to explain it to my son. Now I know, and will have a meeting with my son later today to lay out the new rules.
Comment By : B
