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“I love my son, but things are getting really rough. I never expected him to still be living at home in his twenties. I don’t mind helping him while he gets on his feet, but most of the time he acts like he’s still thirteen – and he’s twenty three! This is not what I pictured!”

“Think of it this way: if your adult child really needs your support and a place to live, he can choose to follow your expectations and house rules.”

If you’re parenting an adult child who lives at home with you, this lament may be all too familiar. You want to support your child if he’s having a tough time getting on his feet, but that probably doesn’t mean you want to be his cook, maid, and ATM. If your child is behaving in a disrespectful way, reverting to adolescent behavior or taking advantage of the situation in any way, it’s naturally going to breed resentment. Know that whether your child is living with you temporarily or for an extended period of time, it doesn’t have to be this way.

The Multi-Generational Home

In an ideal world, our children would reach adulthood equipped with the skills necessary to meet the demands of the world…and that world would offer our kids many opportunities. Unfortunately, that’s not the world many of us live in. Job scarcity, low wages and a host of other factors are often challenges our kids have difficulty overcoming as they enter adulthood. Many families are currently living in “multi-generational homes,” where there may be parents, grandparents and children of all ages in one house. With respect, boundaries and clear expectations, this type of situation can be very positive. There’s nothing wrong with a family supporting each other in difficult times. Many of us have had to “move back home” after a job loss, divorce or other setback we didn’t expect. It can be a lifeline to have family support in the face of these issues. Some families choose to live together out of love, closeness and the desire to spend their years together. If you’re in this type of situation and things are comfortable in your home, this article may not be something you need. But some parents have children in their twenties, thirties or beyond living at home in a situation that is very uncomfortable; things aren’t going well. If you’re in that situation, we’re going to touch on some things you can put in place to make life more tolerable in your home.  Don’t forget, this is your home!

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Creating the Home You Want

You have the right to determine what your home “looks like.” What are the boundaries, the rules, the expectations? With younger children, we may have an actual discussion: your room needs to be cleaned once every week; you need to help clear the table after dinner; bedtime is at 9 p.m.; curfew is midnight. When that child reaches adulthood (when they’re eighteen and out of high school) there needs to be a similar talk. No, you won’t be setting bedtimes or curfews but you will need to outline what needs to happen to live together respectfully in your home. If you’re married, you and your spouse should sit down together and discuss what is and is not okay for another adult – in this case your son or daughter – living in your home. For example:

  • Coming in at night: While you won’t set a “curfew” for an adult, if you work in the morning or don’t want to be awakened at 3 a.m. by someone coming into the house, you may tell your son and daughter that if they are going to be out past a certain time, they will need to stay at a friend’s place rather than waking you up. If it doesn’t bother you to have them coming in at any hour, then don’t worry about it.
  •  You’re not your adult child’s maid: While you may not have a list of “chores” as you would for a younger child, it’s reasonable to tell your adult son or daughter that you expect them to clean up after themselves (their belongings, dishes, cleaning up after using the kitchen, etc). If you find yourself in the role of the “maid,” it can lead to resentment.
  • How will your adult child contribute? Do you expect your adult child to contribute financially to the household in any way? Rent? Utilities? Food? If your child isn’t working and doesn’t have money to contribute, you may choose instead to have him do other things that contribute to the household (housekeeping, lawn maintenance, running errands for you to save you time, etc). In this way, you don’t become resentful for financially supporting your adult child and it gives him the opportunity to feel self-esteem that he is contributing to the home. It’s a reciprocal relationship.
  • Talk about time frames: Is there a time-limit on how long your adult son or daughter will be living in your home? You know your child best; if the situation is open-ended, will he be less motivated to seek employment or become independent? If so, you may want to give a time frame  but be prepared: if you give a deadline, stick to it.
  • “Adult” activities: What are the limits on “adult activities” your son or daughter may want to engage in while living in your home? For example, are overnight guests okay? Alcohol or tobacco use? Just because your child is now an adult doesn’t give her the right to engage in activities in your home that you aren’t comfortable with. Also, if you have younger children in the home, you may not want certain activities to occur that aren’t consistent with your values. You have the right to determine what behaviors are acceptable in your home. If you don’t allow smoking in your home and a neighbor comes over, would you ask him to smoke outside? If yes, then the same applies to your adult child.
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These are just a few examples of things to consider when your adult son or daughter is living in your home. You can see how these issues form a “picture” of what your home will look like. You may find that new issues come up as time goes on and that’s okay: it’s a process. Your picture may change and evolve over time. Once you (and your spouse if you’re married) decide on what’s expected, put it down on paper. It doesn’t have to be worded in a punitive or threatening way. Your intention is to create an open, positive communication with your adult child, right from the beginning. So talk your expectations over with your son or daughter. They probably also have expectations of what things will look like. You may choose to negotiate some points if you’re comfortable; but the bottom line is that this is your home. You make the final decision.

When Things Get Off Track

Once you’ve entered into a mutual agreement with your adult son or daughter on how things will be in your home, you control only one thing: your own behavior. It’s up to them whether or not they’ll also adhere to the agreement. Remember, even though your daughter is an adult, she is still your child. And our kids tend to push limits and avoid things that make them uncomfortable. They may not do so intentionally or with malice, but you might find your adult child slipping back into (or never leaving) a pattern of adolescence. Arguing with you or their siblings, leaving messes, disrespect, thoughtlessness – these are all things parents look forward to not having to put up with once the magic age of eighteen is reached. If you find your adult son or daughter is falling back into such behaviors, have a sit-down right away. Don’t let it slide thinking it’ll improve. Communicate in a positive way that the mutual agreement isn’t being followed and clarify what needs to change. Remember, living in your home past the age of eighteen is a privilege, not a right! If it’s mutually beneficial and respectful – great! If not – if you’re being verbally abused or taken advantage of – you have the right to set boundaries. Those boundaries may include that adult child no longer being able to live in your home. Think of it this way: if he really needs a place to live and your support, he can choose to follow your expectations and house rules.

Boundaries – Don’t be a Perpetual Caretaker!

Sometimes it’s not our adult child who falls back into “old patterns.” It’s very easy to fall back into doing things for our kids that they can do for themselves: cooking, cleaning, laundry, paying their bills. This is what we refer to as “Caretaking.” Initially, it may make us feel good, even needed. But it can end in resentment. It can also undermine our adult child’s self-esteem and confidence. So allow him or her to contribute. If you make dinner five nights a week, let them make dinner two of the nights, for example.

“But Mom, Weed is Legal Now!”

Some parents question whether or not they have the right to tell their adult son or daughter they can’t use substances in their home. The answer is YES! You have the absolute right to determine which substances (alcohol, tobacco, marijuana or any other type of drug) are allowed in your home. Period. It doesn’t matter if marijuana is legal in your state. It doesn’t matter if your son or daughter has a medical marijuana card. If you’re not okay with it, they need to keep it out of your home. If you believe the medical marijuana use is valid, that’s up to you. If you don’t however, your adult child will need to keep his supply elsewhere. No one can force you to go against your values. They may try to manipulate you through guilt, persuasion, threats or emotional blackmail, but the decision is yours. You don’t have to defend your decision to your son or daughter. A simple, “No, I don’t allow that in the home,” will suffice. If your adult child finds this unacceptable or wants to argue the point, he may choose to live elsewhere, in a place he can use that substance.

Rights and Responsibilities

Everyone in your home has the right to live free of verbal or physical abuse. You have the right to set boundaries, rules and expectations in your home. If you had a tenant, you would have that right. It’s the same when that “tenant” is your adult son or daughter. Once you’ve agreed on what’s expected, everyone has the responsibility to live up to that agreement. Will it always be perfect? Not likely; nothing is. If things get off track, have a family meeting to bring it back in line, as soon as possible. You’re in a situation where adults are living together, possibly with younger children in your home as well. The key to success is positive, clear communication and mutual respect.

 

About and

Kimberly Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner are the co-creators of The ODD Lifeline® for parents of Oppositional, Defiant kids, and Life Over the Influence™, a program that helps families struggling with substance abuse issues (both programs are included in The Total Transformation® Online Package). Kimberly Abraham, LMSW, has worked with children and families for more than 25 years. She specializes in working with teens with behavioral disorders, and has also raised a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW, is the mother of four and has been a therapist for 15 years. She works with children and families and has in-depth training in the area of substance abuse. Kim and Marney are also the co-creators of their first children's book, Daisy: The True Story of an Amazing 3-Legged Chinchilla, which teaches the value of embracing differences and was the winner of the 2014 National Indie Excellence Children's Storybook Cover Design Award.

Comments (27)
  • Kim

    I have two adult sons living with me at home, the eldest 27 years had to come back home from south Africa because he lost his job due to covid 19, not that he was managing on his own in south africa we where always bailing him out of trouble, we own a tourism company here in victoria falls zimbabwe which we have partly closed and retrenched all our staff, it was my hope that when my eldest came home, he would be able to help out in the business and start learning the ropes to eventually take over from his elderly father, who is now 70. One of the problems is we cannot pay him a salary as there is no money and what little money comes we really need to put food on the table, we do give him a small allowance over weekend and this is where the problem lies, he will party all weekend and not get up for work when we get some business in, and whatever task I give him, he has no real drive to complete it, do I stop giving him an allowance and tell him to try find work elsewhere, seeing as he not really putting in an effect.

    My youngest son also lost his job , and he is just plan lazy and entitled does not to anything to help with chores in the house and wont help with anything in the business either. Both my sons want everything but wont give much in return. I don't really want to kick them out of home at the moment due to the pandemic, but maybe I am just making up excuses and enabling to much

  • Jm
    Excellent article. We have a big blended family of seven. Six adults 28-21 and one 6 year old. We started over 😊. Three of those bigs are at home. One of them is married, so add another young adult and two grands. We have a full house. YouMore are spot on with it all! How about a sequel?
  • lost and confused
    but, what if parent lives with daughter who is a single mom? why is it hard to find support for this type of situation?
  • MTM
    Thank you for this, it’s super helpful and I’m working on a contract for my 20 year old. She recently has become very distant, sleeps a lot and is claiming she’s depressed and has anxiety. And apparently I went from a loving supportive parent that is always there when sheMore needs advice, to a cruel parent who hasn’t ever done enough. Now she’s claiming that she needs medical marijuana to help with her anxiety. I think she’s playing me. She refuses to go to counseling. Is it wrong of me to demand that she remains drug free as long as she’s under my roof? Or should I allow it outside of my home, if she gets her act together and follows my contract? I haven’t told my husband that she’s using yet (not her dad) because he would go ballistic. But I can’t keep it from him either. I just don’t know if my own deep seeded hate of drug use is clouding my judgement. My mom was/is an addict.
    • Denise Rowden, Parent CoachEP Coach
      That's a great question. Expecting your daughter to remain drug free while she is in your home is a perfectly reasonable expectation, though it may be one that is hard to monitor. Usually, we recommend focusing on where you're going to have the most control, namely on the culture ofMore accountability you establish within your home. You may want to review the article How to Control Your Kids Outside of the House (Hint: You Can’t). We appreciate you checking in. Take care.
  • Hurt Momma

    Had it out with my 22 yr old daughter thus morning. She's so disrespectful and has a hard time expressing empathy, gratefulness, or apologizing when she is hurtful. We have done so much for her, and I have always been in her corner more than anyone else in this world. It's especially tough to see how sweet she can be to others, but not so much her own family.

    The argument started because she made a final payment to me and said "nice doing business with you."... with a smart a** tone. I told her that was not the correct thing to say, and she proceeded to throw at me "what, I'm supposed to be thankful....".

    After coming back to me being very hurt and crying, she was Adrian short with me. I lost it. I told her that she was a huge disappointment for the way that she continues to treat me, that she hurt me really bad, that I wasn't going to continue to put up with it, and they she needed to move out.

    She said I did things to help her when she didn't ask, as if I forced her to accept the options that we offered. She didn't have to accept them.

    I was screaming and crying, and she was screaming and crying. I told her that if she didn't want our help, she's got her wish. I'm done supporting her financial needs, and done putting up with the disrespect from a grown child. She can pay all her own bills. She has a job, and Can figure out how she's going to do what she wants in life, and also pay copays, prescriptions, that we've been covering.

    I don't get her behavior. She has multiple autoimmune diseases, but tiger wise has a pretty good life. Why is she so angry and rude at the people that love her the most, but kind to strangers?

    Despite that We clearly did many wrong things with this child, Did I do the right thing now by telling her she has to go? I feel like we've failed her.

    • Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach
      I hear you. Many parents are triggered by their child’s ungrateful attitude, and this often leads to really emotional conflicts in which things are often said and done which are later regretted. In the end, you are the only person who can decide whether you did the rightMore thing by telling your daughter that she needs to move out. At this point, I encourage you to take some time to think about the next steps you want to take with your daughter. Your daughter is an adult at this point, and so she can take on the responsibility of supporting herself, if that’s the decision you come to after you have had a chance to think it through. If you find that you regret telling her this, that’s fine too, and you can talk about expectations for her behavior while she is living with you if she chooses to stay. If you both decide that she will remain living with you, you might want to write up a living agreement which outlines your expectations while she is in your home. Although your daughter is no longer a teenager, you still might find some helpful tips on how to move forward in Fighting with Your Teen? What to Do After the Blowout 7 Steps to Defuse the Tension. I recognize how tough this must be for you right now, and I hope you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.
  • Peoplesdeb
    Adult daughter, 32 and 11 year old son came to live with me in October. I set realistic expectations with her at that time. She was not sending her child to school. Claimed she was going to homeschool. Weeks went by where she made no effort to enroll him inMore homeschool. We had daily arguments about this. I finally called DSS. As of November he is enrolled, but she's not working the curriculum with him. She does have a job, works evenings in a restaurant. Most nights she is home at 2:30. She claims she doesn't fall asleep until 5 AM so she won't get out of bed before 2 or 3 PM. I have had numerous discussions with her about her lifestyle. She goes into work at 5. So her son is not being homeschooled. She pays 100 week for the entire second room of my house. Recently (December) I asked her to contribute toward groceries and the additional costs of electricity. My husband works out of town 3 weeks of the month, so I am dealing with this 1:1 with her. Each and every time I ask her to help out around the house she avoids doing it. Sometimes she'll do 1/2, but never everything. Monday this week we sat down and had one last conversation with her about accountability. She agreed to get up at 11, homeschool her child, contribute around the home and be respectful. She managed to comply on Tuesday, slacked off on Wednesday. Thursday I went Christmas shopping at 11:00AM. When I returned home at 4, she was still in bed. I blew up on her. She finally got out of bed, did a few things and went out to dinner with her son. She did not finish the things I asked her to do yesterday. I woke her at 10:30 to tell her we needed to get things done. She told me, I can't I have to work a double today starting at 11:00. This has to stop as I Amat wits end with her gross negligence of her son and her inability to contribute.
  • Cynthia62

    My daughter just turned 35. She has never really lived on her own for more than a month or so. She is very hard to live with. She is my youngest, of four, her siblings are starting to resent her because they feel she is taking advantage of me. I love her and sometimes resent her. It seems like I'm always angry. I was forced to retire early. I'm on disability and I find I am probably a "caretaker" even though that is not a role I want.

    I have been paying her cellphone bill for a year. It's an extra $85 a month. It never occurred to me to just let her go without a cellphone until it was proposed here. I co-signed for her student loans years ago. I've been paying them now for over a year. $500 a month. I've spent $30,000 dollars on her and her bills over the last 18 months and I fear for my financial future.

    I realize I have to change how I handle things. I have to change me. I have to shut down the ATM.

    She was angry when she moved back in and I made her take her old room rather than the guest room. She damaged the walls in her old room and I don't want any more rooms damaged. We have had that argument several time but this time I'm not giving in. I also told her she had to find another job. I gave her a deadline of January 31st, 2017. She must move back out by that date. I'm not charging her rent so that she can save money toward that goal. I told her it was not negotiable. I just have to stick to it.

    • Just whistle

      Stand your ground; the best predictor of future behavior is past relevant behavior. I would expect her to test this boundary; you need to be prepared to defend the boundary one more time than she is willing to test the boundary. Be aware that if you have a history of giving in that that is the best predictor of your behavior and she will likely play on that fact. Changing the dynamics in a relationship is difficult but I encourage you that each time you stand your ground the next time will be easier.

      While giving in or compromising a boundary may be easier in the moment, it is damaging to your child and your relationship.

  • Raquel

    My daughter just turned 21....we have a living agreement (we call it a contract)....have had a few since she was 17 (updating as necessary due to her age increase and responsibilities...college...work...paying her own bills etc). My biggest problem with her is her attitude AND her u tidyness (room...bathroom...car) . Even tho specific cleanliness expectations are listed in our contract....it's a daily battle....so I added a $10 daily fine when she has NOT met the requirements. I really can't ground her...she does work full-time and attends.college part time. She does pay her cell....auto ins...medical premium (on my plan) a small amount of rent to help and since she chose not to attend college full-time and be gifted the car I bought her at the time of her BSN I agreed she could buy the car....making payments to me(and sold it to her for way less than the value.....hoping to give her a break AND teach her about consistent payments while working for something at the same time. The car is in my name til full.payoff and I have grounded her from the car when the rules are broken as well. She graduated high school.2.yrs ago and while she does work and lay her bills it's the constant arguing about her messiness I just can't take anymore. The fines and the car grounding work temporarily and then she undoubtedly falls back into her lazy ways. I get so upset I wanna just kick her out but do not want to leave her stranded and would like to have a plan to work with her to sucessfully move out and be prepared...but since this would probably require another "agreement" why would she honor this one if not the one we already have? Help???

    "Beyond frustrated" :(

    • Marissa EP

      @Raquel 

      I can certainly hear how frustrating your daughter’s

      behaviors must be, and it sounds like the living agreement has been successful

      in many ways.  Attitude can be very difficult to measure, as it is based

      on perception. I would encourage you to do your best to ignore the attitude and

      focus  on the rules that are more clear

      and measurable, as you are doing. I can understand not wanting to kick her out,

      especially without helping her with a plan. You might consider setting a

      reasonable deadline for her to be out of your home and then help her make a

      plan to save for moving expenses, as well as how and where to search for places

      to live. While it can be a difficult step to take, it is a natural one for many

      young adults, and it sounds like you have given her some good tools already, to

      be successful. Best of luck to you and your daughter as you work on this

      together.

  • wong_jacy105

    Hi,

    I stumbled upon this post and as a adult daughter(29) who is divorced and living with two kids in my parents home. I rent two bedrooms in a rental above ground suite in my parents home. My parents house have main floor and on the main floor there is two bed, one bath, kitchen and living/dining area. The second floor above that is the master bed/bath. I signed a rental agreement, which I didn't even know my parents have no pets allowed in it. The only reason why we have to live downstairs is the fact my mom wanted 'childcare' money so she looked into non lisenced childcare certificate. In BC they have rules and regulations around this and my mom doesn't believe in doing stuff for free even looking after my kids and driving them places since I don't drive. My parents don't bend that easily and my mom is ok with getting a pet fish for my 6 year old child,but as an adult I have no say in keeping one. I had a hamster which didn't live long and my dad told me animals smell, i tried to convince him that hamsters need more space than a small cage. I brought up the idea of a cat since I prefer them to dogs and my mom say we will see when my youngest is 12?? My parents also take a lot of pride in their home, and the thought of animal fur ect. Isn't a good thing. My sister had a rabbit when she used to rent from my parents, and we lived upstairs. No one in my mom's family has a cat or dog and my mom's parents have a sign on the yard about picking up after the dog. I keep telling myself I always wanted a cat, and I hope I don't give up on it even if I have kids, but my mom insist she prefers birds and even after aducating her about pets and if there is stuff about pets in the news she doesn't want to know. My mom does get tired with the kids, and even my dad gets stress, but in Vancouver, BC my mom told me it would be hard to find a place that would take me and my noisy kids and with the high rent.

  • guest

    Allowed 25 year old son to move back home over a year ago, as he was finding it impossible to make ends meet in London.  He was supposed to pay off some debts and then save money.  I am a single parent with another younger son living away at university.  I did not charge my eldest son rent etc since he moved back in, and he will pick up some shopping or cook occasionally.

    However he is increasingly verbally abusive towards me. For example, when I asked him today for £50 he borrowed from me, he became very irate.  I then said that I want him to start contributing towards the bills while he is living at home and he started yelling about what a dump our home is and what a miserable person I am.  I am very sad.  The only part of our home that is a dump is his bedroom, and he is very messy around the house although I just clear it up because I can't bear to sit in it. I  have tried my best, while not being perfect, to raise my sons well without any support of any kind from their father and i have always worked hard inside and outside the home to provide for us.  On top of that I am coping with the death of my parents who I have been looking after for several years and who have both just died in the past 6 months.  Neither of my sons seem to care. This particular son will flare up at me several times a day, and its always a very hurtful, disrespectful remark, ink you'rand he blames me for everything that is wrong in his life and with him.  

    I have no other family but my two sons left.  I am afraid I'm going to end up with no-one at all because I can't put up with this.  Both of them mock me for being so alone and having few real friends, but I didn't have time for friends or a social life when they were young and I have a demanding job and was also looking after my housebound parents.

    I feel such failure, I can't believe my son has grown up into this cold stranger.

    • Marie
      I can relate to your problem! It's not funny but when I read the part about the dump and you being miserable! This sound so familiar! But it's not you that's miserable honey it's them! I believe making you feel less than what you are is isMore an excuse for them to be a mooch! Don't hold your self accountable you brought them this far! So you have done a good job! I know that it's hard to turn against your own child! They make it hard! My son is 34 don't even speak or talk to me in my house! He actually thinks he is doing me a favor! I want to call the police and put him out but I can't! I understand you it's hard! It makes me think about the quote! It's not the people that far can hurt you but the ones closest! ??????
  • tffnyjon
    @Marcia Randy Weaver Pray for his safety and put an inside lock on the door...Tell him if he's not home before X hours that he needs to stay where he is until the morning. My father-in-law told me this story and he still had to abide by it when he visitedMore his mom even though he had been gone 20 years!!  lol but it works. Also, it will help him realized that if he gets his own place that he can make his own rules.
  • Father needing help
    Father needing help with my 28 age daughter. She live with me and is stealing from my home ,she no job and is always trying to give money to her friends. What to do please.
    • tffnyjon
      Father needing help Give her a time limit, help her find a "room to rent" or go on roomates.com or even use the "Penny Saver" to help her find a little 600 place to stay. Then tell her the locks will be changed. My parent did that to me...I criedMore to my DAD...but I did start looking. I was younger than 28 and yes spoiled...it was even before I finished college. But I learned my lesson. I
  • frustrated mom
    My daughter found out she was pregnant a few days after graduation from HS. She went to work and did well so she could buy the baby things. She helped out a little with toilet paper, dog food etc...both my husband and I are disabled and living on under $800More a month. The money she made working cut our help down to almost nothing for food support and energy assistance but we felt she was trying so just struggled with it. She has had her baby 3 weeks ago and is planning on moving out in the next 3-6 months with the Father of the baby. However, she does absolutely nothing as far as dishes, laundry for her baby. She has to be told to pump milk, and give the baby his vitamin D. She can't sleep while her baby sleeps out of fear something will happen to him, so my husband stays up all night until about 6 am while she sleeps. I help out all day changing diapers, rocking and feeding the baby etc.... The problem is I cannot say anything to her about the Father of her baby or pumping, or giving her baby vitamin D without a hatefulness from her. Sometimes it is as simple as saying "the dog is fixing to step on your phone," and she gets a defensive or annoyed attitude. I feel like we do everything for her and she talks to me like crap. It gets so old but I can't kick her out with a baby, and she doesn't drive. She even gets defensive about things and makes stuff up. For example; she said she hopes her baby doesn't have her weight problem. I was fixing to say make sure you offer him plenty of fruits and vegetables when he is a toddler instead of junk food. I didn't even get it out and she said "I don't want to talk about it anymore! I know you are fixing to say how I am fat and lazy." I have never in my life said much about her weight. My sister was abused because of her weight and I always thought my daughter was beautiful just the way she was. She for some reason perceives me as a monster and her attitude is according to it. It us very hurtful to do and do for her and be treated like she hates me.
    • tffnyjon
      @frustrated mom wow...   I felt like an idiot as a new mom.... my mother had to comment on every single aspect of how I raised my child. But, I realized she was only trying to help but her comments would demean me. Then her way was always the bestMore way... and really, she's been my mom forever but the difference is... my situation should not impose on her life. As a women...you should figure it out. And as a grandma...you have a right to comment. If she wants your help then she needs to deal with the comments and change her attitude.--Also...you guys did your job raising her, so now,,,get your rest. Go in your room and lock the door. Make her deal with that baby. Grandma off times should be 9pm to 6am....do something like that. Then stick to it and stay out of her way with no comments during that time. But the infant years are initiation for us mothers!!! I have two kids and wouldn't put that on my mom who just made 60. Watching her with my toddlers...she's exhausted!!! and you will be too!
  • father of 2
    My 23 yr old son refuses to contribute anything around the house. He has no job drinks, smokes weed, plays video games all day, and parties all night with his other no account friends who still live with their parents. I've asked him to talk to a military recruiter, andMore he won't even do that. Trying to have a simple adult conversation always winds up in a violent disaster. He's always the victim. I've told him That I don't want him living in my house, but he said that I need to get an eviction notice to kick him out, because he has every right to live here. All this, so I can be the bad guy who kicked him out, and he can be the victim, in his own warped mind. He has serious anger issues and refuses to get help. Kicking him out on the street with no place to go, would probably be the end of my first born son, who I watched come into this world.
  • MrsH

    This site may have just saved my sanity!! Our daughter is 20, she does work and pay rent but she does nothing around the house to help.

    She spends all of her time at home, shut away in her room. She rarely showers and hasn't washed her clothes for months. I have offered to do her washing, all she has to do is bring it downstairs. It is all over her floor along with remnants of stale food, dirty plates and rubbish.

    Whenever we try to discuss the mess / smell in her room she just explodes, swearing at us and storms off. Her way of avoiding any adult discussion about anything. She says she doesn't want to talk about anything with us, she's not a retard (sic).

    She rarely eats with us nowadays, choosing to eat chocolate, biscuits and crap in her room. Her diet is terrible and we do worry about her health.

    She doesn't drink alcohol, do drugs (as far as we can tell) so I'm guessing we should be grateful BUT she isn't the daughter we had a few years ago and not being able to talk to her about anything is making me very sad.

    Any ideas on how to open up the communication channels without her exploding and storming off? Thank you

    • TamaraB_ParentalSupport

      @MrsH 

      It is hard to see our young

      adult children go through changes, especially if it seems as if things are not

      changing for the better. Understanding, that as young adult, she is making her

      own choices around how she is living her life is a good first step. Shifting

      your focus to the areas where you do have control will be most useful. Take

      some time to think about the kind 

      of standards you have for people who live in your home. It is important to know

      how much you are willing to tolerate

      when those standards are not being met. It can be tough, but having clarity

      about your expectations for cleanliness, helpfulness, and how people interact

      with each other  will help both you and your daughter determine whether or

      not your home is the best living situation for her. Here is another article by

      Kim and Marney that may help you get a better understanding of what makes these

      kinds of conversations challenging  http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-Adult-Children-Work-the-Parent-System.php?&key=Adult-Children. Another benefit about being clear and firm is

      that it will help bring to light any specific difficulties your daughter is

      having in moving forward in a successful manner. Should you find that she is in

      need of more support, we would recommend seeking resources local to you. More

      information about this can be found at http://www.familylives.org.uk/ . Thank you for writing and we hope

      you keep in touch.

  • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

    Crodiane
    Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents with your
    concerns. Comments posted by readers are left pending until they can be
    reviewed by a moderator. This allows us to eliminate comments that are
    irrelevant, “trolling”, or disrespectful of others. Comments that are left on
    non-business days (after 5PM on Fridays, on aMore weekend or Holiday) are not
    reviewed until the following business day. We appreciate you being part of the
    Empowering Parents community. Please let us know if you have any further
    questions.

  • Crodiane

    6 years ago or a bit longer than that..my youngest son came to us asking if his girlfriend could stay for a couple of weeks...they promised she would help out etc etc and he would continue to work where he worked even though he hated it..he couldn't get anything elseMore because he dropped out of school...sucker that i am and because i love my son..I said yes....then a year later my granddaughter is born..now there are 3 of them in the house.  i love my granddaughter to death and would do anything for her but dislike her lazy slobby mooch of a mom...my son defended her over and over though we complained about nothing every being done and the fact that she basically lived on the computer all day while watching our granddaughter with 1/2 an eye only...fights, fights and more fights...sometimes they ended up leaving to go stay with her family but because her family doesn't have much other than welfare themselves...my son would beg for me to let them back and of course we took them in...same rules though..help out..clean up etc etc...well..it was time to buy a house, my husband retired from the military and we assumed that the kids would get their own place finally...nope..my son asked if they could come with us because he needed to go back to school..this job was killing him and he needed to get something better...even though we bought a small house..I can't let my granddaughter live on the streets..so we said yes...he finally went back to school..and promptly lied to us about how well he was doing..then they broke up!! Mom left..yay!! I could be partially happy in my own home again...but wait..there's more...he wanted his TRUE love to move in now..are you kidding me??of course my granddaughter would have no where to live if we didn't say yes because my son was so distraught when we initially said no...we gave in..they were supposed to both be going back to school..and getting part time jobs..she pays extremely reduced rent..and here we are 4 months later and i find out that they lied about school again..but my son did get a job finally..but I get upset when I hear his girlfriend of 4 months scolding and grounding my 5 year old granddaughter because she talked out of turn or something silly...when she gave me a kiss and a hug when I went downstairs to do something..i guess it wasn't the "right time" because my son then gave her  a stern talking to and a time out..he said he is prepping her for when they move out because she won't be seeing us everyday so she can't come upstairs to see us now..NOW he is breaking our rule of no meals in basement..to make sure that I don't see my granddaughter during the day upstairs..this is really ticking me off....my husband got very loud and angry and out the door they went ..my other son came over and to see what was going on and during our conversation, he basically told us that we are all a product of our upbringing..our children are depressed because of us..that's why they smoke weed..that's why he picks at my grand daughter for every little thing..its our fault...we did this...I know for a fact because he shows it to me everyday that my youngest does not like me..he thinks he loves us but I don't believe it anymore.  is it time to stop worrying about my granddaughter having a place to live and just give them an time limit now on how long they can expect us to help them get on their feet and get their own place?

  • DeniseR_ParentalSupport

    father of 2

    I can hear your concern in regards to how your son might respond

    if you follow through with having him evicted. It’s understandable given the

    previous threats he has made. Safety is always the number one priority. It may

    be of benefit to contact your local crisis response to talk with someone about

    developing a safety plan should your son act out in ways that put other family

    members at risk. Talking with legal counsel or your local police department,

    for information on what the actual process would be for removing your son from

    your home as well as what steps you can take to safeguard the lives of everyone

    involved, may be another step you could take. While establishing a living

    agreement is always a good idea when you have adult children living at home,

    ensuring everyone’s safety in the process should happen first. I would not want

    to offer suggestions or advice that could put you in harm’s way. Finding people

    within your local community who are able to offer you support and who would be

    able to respond in a given situation should the need arise is probably going to

    be a better course of action. The http://www.211.org/ may be able to give you

    information on resources you would be able to utilize in your community. You

    can reach the http://www.211.org/ 24

    hours a day by calling 1-800-273-6222. I wish I could be more helpful in this

    situation. I hope you will continue to check in and let us know how things are

    going. Take care.

  • uanit
    speaking as someone who was a young adult not long ago, if you offer an alternative of "my house, my rules" be prepared for the possibility that your child will leave, even if it seems as though they 'have nowhere else to go.' young adults often make rash decisions, especiallyMore if they are emotional.
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