We all face difficulties as parents during the year—no one is exempt. Maybe your youngest child tantrums every time he hears the word “no.” Or your nine-year-old daughter gives you a hard time each day about going to school, or refuses to go to bed nightly. Maybe your 12-year-old is challenging you at every turn, telling you she won’t follow your rules and that she “doesn’t care” about the consequences you set.Perhaps your teenager has been acting out and staying out until all hours. You’re worried that he won’t pass all his classes this year—let alone finish high school. These are the lonely, difficult moments we all experience as parents, and let’s face it: no one likes to talk about them publicly.

Ever since the Sandy Hook shooting in Connecticut, I’ve been feeling out of control and ill at ease, and I suspect I’m not alone. There’s no way to go back and change the outcome of that terrible day. We can’t make those horrific, tragic events turn out any differently. At the bottom of it all is the knowledge that we can’t protect our kids from every dangerous thing out there in this world—and that terrifies me. So today, I'd like to talk about what we can do as parents.

Most couples have experienced this situation at one time or another—you think you should discipline your child a certain way, and your spouse wants to handle it differently. You each become entrenched in your position, and that’s when the fighting starts.

“I feel alone,”a mom of an out-of-control teen said to me recently. “I don’t go out much anymore, and to be honest, my family isn’t really invited to things because of my son’s behavior.” If you have an acting-out child or teen, you probably feel isolated. You’ve gotten tired of hearing criticisms from family and friends, and perhaps you’ve pulled back from social functions. I think when you have a child who’s out of control, in many ways it’s like living with an alcoholic family member. After a while, parents give up trying to change anything, and they often don’t talk about it, either—they just keep all their shame, blame and sense of failure inside.

These days, we’re bombarded with mixed messages about how to parent “the right way.” It’s easy to buy into advice from the media, relatives, and other parents and start to worry that we’re doing something wrong. Part of the reason this is happening is because adults, just like kids, are over-stimulated. We’re more wired and connected, which means we’re receiving more outside input than ever before. We have easy access to advice (good and bad) on the web, to information about how other parents are doing things, and to each other through social networking sites. This means we’re also more actively comparing ourselves to others—and getting more judgment and criticism from others as a result.

I was having coffee with a friend recently when she leaned across the table and said, “No matter what I do as a parent, I feel like I’m being taken for granted. All my child seems to do is yell at me, ignore me or ask me for things. I just feel so unappreciated.”

It can be hard to say “no” to our kids. Does your child manipulate, act out and negotiate until he gets his way? Sara Bean explains how to change from being a passive parent into an assertive one by taking back authority and learning how to say “no.”

It’s no secret: kids can make it incredibly hard for adults to say “no,” whether your young child is having tantrums and acting out—or your teen has escalated to becoming verbally (or physically) abusive. Your child might also try to make you feel guilty in order to get his way, or act overly sweet and responsible, only to revert to his normal self after the “prize” has been won.

It’s a truth we don’t often admit, even to ourselves: we don’t always like our kids. I can hear the guilt in parents’ voices when they say, “Sometimes I really don’t like my child. He’s a pain, he argues with me all the time and he’s just not fun to be around.” Or maybe your child just isn’t the person you thought he would be: perhaps he’s not academic or outgoing enough, or maybe he likes to complain and is very negative. It’s important to accept the fact that you won’t always like your kids—and they won’t always like you. This is especially hard for parents of difficult, acting out kids to grapple with. But the fact is, you’re on your way to less guilt and a better relationship with your child when you can acknowledge your feelings.

Countless readers write in to Empowering Parents and say, “I’m supposed to know how to make my child behave, but I don’t. He’s out of control and people blame me for his behavior. I feel guilty and ashamed most of the time, and very alone. It’s the worst feeling in the world.” The truth is, you’re not supposed to know everything about being a parent—it’s a skill you have to learn, just like anything else. While there’s no one “right way” to parent, there are more effective ways to handle your child’s behavior.

I’ve talked with a lot of parents who feel out of control in the face of their child’s anger and aggression. In fact, I can’t tell you how many moms and dads have said, “I feel like I’m failing at parenting.” In my opinion, it’s not so important why you as a parent aren’t effective at times—what’s more important is what you do about it. The very first step is to be aware of the patterns that have been created over the years with your child. Ask yourself, “What's the behavior I’m seeing, and what am I doing in reaction to it?”

You’re driving home from work, and you call your teen and tell him to clean his room and finish his homework. Before he grunts a response and hangs up, you swear you can hear the T.V. blaring in the background. You feel your stress levels rising and think, “I know the house is going to be a mess when I get home. Jake won’t have done his homework, and I’ll bet he’ll be playing video games.” Sure enough, when you walk through the door, the scene is exactly how you pictured it, and you’re steaming mad. The fighting starts immediately.

Here on the Parental Support Line, just about every call we get involves questions about consequences or rewards. A lot of parents struggle to find effective consequences while overlooking the importance of using rewards, too. Many times we recommend establishing rewards or incentive systems for kids, often in the form of a behavior chart. We think that charts can be effective for kids from age 4–16 but it’s ultimately up to the parent. Their effectiveness depends on the chart and the child in question.

Have you ever punished your child in the heat of the moment, when you’re angry and upset? If you’re like most parents, the answer is probably “yes.” In fact, this is one of the biggest, most common parenting traps that you can fall into. But often when you do this, you’re focused on winning the fight rather than working towards teaching your child to choose to do the right thing.

Let’s face it, none of us went to school for parenting, and often we’re really hard on ourselves: we think we’re alone and that we need to come up with the “perfect solution” or consequence when our child misbehaves. Here’s the truth: it's not a matter of finding the perfect solution. It's a matter of finding a consequence that will mean something to your child. The good news is, it can be done.