I was having coffee with a friend recently when she leaned across the table and said, “No matter what I do as a parent, I feel like I’m being taken for granted. All my child seems to do is yell at me, ignore me or ask me for things. I just feel so unappreciated.”

It can be hard to say “no” to our kids. Does your child manipulate, act out and negotiate until he gets his way? Sara Bean explains how to change from being a passive parent into an assertive one by taking back authority and learning how to say “no.”

It’s no secret: kids can make it incredibly hard for adults to say “no,” whether your young child is having tantrums and acting out—or your teen has escalated to becoming verbally (or physically) abusive. Your child might also try to make you feel guilty in order to get his way, or act overly sweet and responsible, only to revert to his normal self after the “prize” has been won.

It’s a truth we don’t often admit, even to ourselves: we don’t always like our kids. I can hear the guilt in parents’ voices when they say, “Sometimes I really don’t like my child. He’s a pain, he argues with me all the time and he’s just not fun to be around.” Or maybe your child just isn’t the person you thought he would be: perhaps he’s not academic or outgoing enough, or maybe he likes to complain and is very negative. It’s important to accept the fact that you won’t always like your kids—and they won’t always like you. This is especially hard for parents of difficult, acting out kids to grapple with. But the fact is, you’re on your way to less guilt and a better relationship with your child when you can acknowledge your feelings.

Countless readers write in to Empowering Parents and say, “I’m supposed to know how to make my child behave, but I don’t. He’s out of control and people blame me for his behavior. I feel guilty and ashamed most of the time, and very alone. It’s the worst feeling in the world.” The truth is, you’re not supposed to know everything about being a parent—it’s a skill you have to learn, just like anything else. While there’s no one “right way” to parent, there are more effective ways to handle your child’s behavior.

I’ve talked with a lot of parents who feel out of control in the face of their child’s anger and aggression. In fact, I can’t tell you how many moms and dads have said, “I feel like I’m failing at parenting.” In my opinion, it’s not so important why you as a parent aren’t effective at times—what’s more important is what you do about it. The very first step is to be aware of the patterns that have been created over the years with your child. Ask yourself, “What's the behavior I’m seeing, and what am I doing in reaction to it?”

You’re driving home from work, and you call your teen and tell him to clean his room and finish his homework. Before he grunts a response and hangs up, you swear you can hear the T.V. blaring in the background. You feel your stress levels rising and think, “I know the house is going to be a mess when I get home. Jake won’t have done his homework, and I’ll bet he’ll be playing video games.” Sure enough, when you walk through the door, the scene is exactly how you pictured it, and you’re steaming mad. The fighting starts immediately.

Here on the Parental Support Line, just about every call we get involves questions about consequences or rewards. A lot of parents struggle to find effective consequences while overlooking the importance of using rewards, too. Many times we recommend establishing rewards or incentive systems for kids, often in the form of a behavior chart. We think that charts can be effective for kids from age 4–16 but it’s ultimately up to the parent. Their effectiveness depends on the chart and the child in question.

Have you ever punished your child in the heat of the moment, when you’re angry and upset? If you’re like most parents, the answer is probably “yes.” In fact, this is one of the biggest, most common parenting traps that you can fall into. But often when you do this, you’re focused on winning the fight rather than working towards teaching your child to choose to do the right thing.

Let’s face it, none of us went to school for parenting, and often we’re really hard on ourselves: we think we’re alone and that we need to come up with the “perfect solution” or consequence when our child misbehaves. Here’s the truth: it's not a matter of finding the perfect solution. It's a matter of finding a consequence that will mean something to your child. The good news is, it can be done.

A recent article by self–described “Tiger Mom” Amy Chua ignited a parenting conversation that appears to have been long overdue. In both the article and her book, Chua says she did not accept any grade less than an “A” from her two daughters, and did not allow T.V., video games, playdates or sleep–overs. Chua believes typical Western style parenting is too lax and focuses on self–esteem over performance. The ongoing debate her article caused has led many parents to wonder if they’re too passive—or too controlling.

As parents, we all make mistakes. On the Parental Support Line, I often encourage parents to give themselves a break—after all, it’s impossible for any of us to be perfect. Our kids test us at every age and stage; it’s part of their job as children to push boundaries with us and see where the line is drawn.

“My child misbehaves so much that I don’t even know where to start!” This is one of the most common things we hear on the Parental Support Line, and it’s an understandable problem. Many parents tell me they feel overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious when dealing with their child or teen’s acting out behavior; they wonder how they’ll be able to tackle so many issues at once. But here’s a secret: thinking about the problem in this way will only make you feel defeated before you even start.

It’s hard to get most adolescents to comply, but when you’re dealing with a hostile teen, it can be almost impossible. In part two of this series on anger and hostility in kids, James Lehman discusses concrete ways for you to break through your child’s force field of anger and defuse his hostility. Don’t give up yet—it really is possible to bring peace to your home.

Are you often exhausted as a parent? Do you regularly feel drained, overwhelmed and off-balance when it comes to raising your kids? This week, Erin Schlicher, a mom and parental support line advisor for the Total Transformation Program, gives you some concrete advice on how to juice up your parental batteries and get back on firmer ground.