Does your child refuse to take responsibility for anything? Or maybe your teen plays the victim card and is a pro at turning around an argument so that you feel like you’re the one to blame. You may not realize it, but your child has thinking errors that justify them getting their way—or getting out of doing things.
In this follow-up to the article Child Outbursts, James Lehman unlocks the mystery of your child’s excuse-making, blaming, and fighting.
Is there a word that you find hard to spell? For the longest time, I had to stop and think before I spelled the simple word “their.” I’d ask myself, is it “e-i” or “i-e”? This was a thinking error on my part. The difference between a thinking error and a mistake is that a mistake is a single incident, while a thinking error is making the same mistake over and over again.
Also, we typically recognize our mistakes. In contrast, we believe our thinking errors are not mistakes, even though they are. We don’t even know they’re errors unless they’re pointed out to us. And even then, we don’t always believe it.
Behavioral thinking errors are the same kind of thing—picture an error in spelling or math that you repeat over and over again. In the same way, thinking errors allow people to justify irresponsible or self-defeating actions they take over and over again.
Kids get into trouble when thinking errors lead to them being aggressive, taking risks, shirking responsibility, or trying to manipulate others. This is especially true for adolescents because they’re at a stage in their development when they need to learn how to deal with life. They have to figure out how to manage anxiety, meet their responsibilities, follow through on tasks, and communicate frankly and honestly.
For children, thinking errors are an especially destructive habit to get into because they prevent them from learning the essential skills that lead to success in life.
As a parent, it’s essential to learn to recognize thinking errors in your child. And then, you need to confront your child about their thinking errors. This type of confrontation is what leads to change.
By the way, confrontation doesn’t mean hostility or anger. It means dealing with it head-on and being honest. Indeed, the less emotion you show when confronting a thinking error the better because a clear head gives you a better chance of getting through to your child. Use your communication skills as a parent: show positive regard in your expression and tone. If necessary, practice in the mirror for a while or while you are alone in the car.
Below are five common thinking errors kids use and how parents can challenge them.
The battle cry of a child who uses the victim stance is, “It’s not my fault!” When they don’t meet their responsibilities, and they’re challenged, they inevitably play the victim.
A classic example of this is the old excuse, “The dog ate my homework.” What the child is really saying here is, “I’m a victim of the dog.” And if their teacher says, “You have to stay after school and finish your work,” instead of owning up to their mistake, the child feels like they’re the one being wronged.
Likewise, if your child hit his sister, he might say, “But she was bothering me!” In other words, he’s saying, “I’m the real victim here, not my sister.”
All people see themselves as victims from time to time; it’s normal. Yet children and adolescents will often see themselves as victims in ways that interfere with their emotional and functional development.
But if your child is allowed to use the victim stance too frequently, they will start to see themselves as victims all the time.
The victim stance is one of the primary cop-outs adolescents use when they think a task is too hard, boring, or stupid. They see injustice whenever they are challenged or confronted. This stance makes them very ungrateful and hostile. And it prevents them from meeting their responsibilities.
Think of it this way: if your child doesn’t meet a responsibility, usually the natural consequence is supposed to help them change. But if they see it as an injustice and believe they’re the victim, then they’ll take no responsibility for change, and they probably won’t.
I believe you should challenge your child’s use of the victim stance clearly and directly. If you find out from the teacher that your child isn’t completing homework assignments, for example, say to your child:
“Your teacher called me and said your homework isn’t getting done, but you told me you were finished. What’s going on?”
Then let them answer and hear them out. Let’s say your child gives you some victim story. I recommend that you avoid fighting with them about that. Instead, you can state very clearly:
“You’re a student. This is your responsibility. If you need help, you have to ask someone for it. You’re not a victim here—you can make choices.”
You can also say to your child:
“It sounds like you’re giving me an excuse or blaming your teacher for not having your work done.”
Understand that they’ll be unwilling or unable to understand the meaning of what you’re saying, but stick with it nonetheless. Kids tend to avoid confrontation, or they overreact to it because it makes them uncomfortable, but that’s right where you want them. Ask them:
“Do you have homework tonight?”
And then tell them to go do it and let you know when it’s done. Don’t give long lectures. Just challenge their thinking and get them moving. Believe me, if the victim stance is a consistent thinking error they use, there will be plenty of time to confront it further in the future.
Parents will often ask their teen why they’re hanging out with the wrong crowd: kids who are using drugs or getting into trouble. They might say something like, “I’m different. I’m friends with Josh, but I don’t smoke pot like he does.” Or, when asked why they’re playing video games and not studying, your child will say, “I don’t have to do my homework or study. I know I can pass the test.”
Statements like those reflect the thinking error of uniqueness, and it creates a false sense of security for the person using it. Picture an adult friend of yours saying, “I can have the bottle of scotch and still drive. I drive better after a few drinks—it relaxes me.” They’re saying they’re unique, that the normal rules don’t apply to them, even though you think they’re crazy.
Many adolescents see themselves as unique, and that thinking can have serious consequences. For instance, you might ask your teen, “When did you start spending time with those kids?” And your child will say, “They were nice to me on Friday, so I hung out with them after school.” Your response might be, “I’ve heard those kids use drugs.” And your child says, “Not me, I’m different. I don’t use drugs. I’m just hanging out with them.”
There’s an old saying: “If you hang around the barbershop long enough, you’re going to get a haircut.” If your child thinks they’re unique, and they can hang out at the barbershop, maybe they are. But for most kids that I’ve worked with, they’re not unique at all—it’s merely a thinking error. And if they hang out with that crowd long enough, they’ll inevitably be doing drugs.
It’s normal for most kids to perceive themselves as unique and invulnerable. Those thoughts become problematic when children and teens use them to avoid responsibilities, engage in risky behavior, or justify poor judgment. Be straightforward when you talk about this. Ask your child about different scenarios that could occur and see how they would handle them.
One-way training is another thinking error that’s important to understand. One-way training is when your child resists every effort you make to get them to take responsibility to change specific behaviors. And not only do they resist your training, they unknowingly start to train you. The more aggressively they resist you, the more they’re training you not to challenge them.
If they resist you through verbal abuse, dishonesty, destructive behavior, or manipulation, they’re training you not to hold them accountable and to accept higher levels of irresponsibility. This is a huge thinking error. If kids using one-way training are successful, they’re just not going to learn effective life skills.
A simple example of one-way training is that your child feels that they have the right to go through your purse or your bedroom whenever they want to. But if you go into their room, look out! You’ll see them become very upset and escalate. Believe it or not, that’s the gentler part of one-way training—it can get much worse when the stakes get higher, and kids get verbally abusive or physically destructive.
What does your child get out of this? It’s simple: they won’t have to perform, and they’ll be able to skip their responsibilities. But adolescence is fleeting, and the day will come when your child needs to be able to fill out a job application, apply for a job, and then keep one.
They will also need the basic skill of relating to other people without escalating and being a bully. In the long run, it’s very destructive to think, “If I resist them, they’ll give up—and if I resist them forcefully, they’ll stop bothering me and give in.”
When your child uses one-way training and starts escalating, ask the following question:
“Are you trying to intimidate me?”
Ask them very clearly. Your child may say yes or no, but at least the real issue is on the table. It’s not, “Oh, you asked me at the wrong time; you’re bugging me.” Challenge your child directly and clearly.
You can begin by confronting their distorted thinking. Say something like,
“Listen, I’ve noticed that you don’t want me to go into your room, but you go into my room all the time. You have to give respect to receive it. Let’s make a deal here. We’ll stay out of each other’s rooms from now on.”
If your child still goes into your room, buy a lockbox and put a lock on the closet door. Opportunity, willingness, and ability are the three primary factors of behavior. To help kids who can’t manage their impulses, one of the things you have to cut down on is the opportunity. I call that “opportunity management.” So instead of fighting with your child every day, put a lock on the closet door and start there—by eliminating the opportunity.
I know kids have secrets. I understand that adolescents are in the stage where they’re individuating and separating from their parents. Secrets are a natural part of this stage of their development.
But here’s the deal: there are things that kids lie about, give misinformation about, or are secretive about, which get them into trouble. Some kids do things underhandedly and won’t admit to it, or they’ll blame somebody else. Maybe they’re caught at a party where everyone is drinking, and they say, “Oh, I was just there; I wasn’t drinking.” Or “I was just walking by.” They always give you half the story. Or they stack the facts.
Fact stacking is where your child gives you the facts but stacks them in a way that seems to justify their behavior. When you investigate a little further, the facts take a different form. When you “unstack” them and get the truth, you realize that your child is merely justifying their behavior. And again, justification and avoidance may be common in our society, but they’re not going to help your child.
Partialization is another part of dishonesty in which your child tells you half the story or does half the work. So you say, “Did you do your homework?” And they say, “Yeah, it’s all done.” Let’s say they only got some of it finished, but they tell you what you want to hear so that they’re not under pressure.
Many kids partialize, and eventually, it gets them into trouble. When it all comes out later, everybody feels like they were cheated and lied to. And if you don’t confront this thinking error, this story will repeat itself again and again.
Kids need to learn about privacy and boundaries. They’re very important developmentally. Again, I think you should confront your child directly and clearly. You can say:
“It sounds like you’re only giving me part of the story. What’s really going on?”
“Are you just telling me what I want to hear? No? Well, then show me all of your homework.”
Make your child uncomfortable, and then hold them accountable. Usually, people don’t like being challenged. Many kids will start yelling and get angry when confronted. Try not to get angry yourself. Instead, tell your child:
“Getting angry at me is not going to change this. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about it maturely.”
And then turn around and leave the room. Try to talk to your child later. If they refuse, there should be a consequence for them. I believe there should be consequences for kids who don’t want to participate after a reasonable amount of time has gone by. And you can say:
“If you don’t want to talk to me about this, that’s fine. But no electronics until you do.”
Finally, kids often use a tactic called the turnaround when challenged. This is when you ask your child, “Why are you late for curfew?” and they say to you, “What do you care?” Your child answers your question with another question that puts you on the defensive—that’s how they turn it around on you.
Or maybe you say something like, “I’m sick and tired of you not doing your chores.” And your child says, “Why? Don’t you love me?” The name of the game for your child is to say something that puts you on the defensive—and it usually works. Indeed, many of these tactics work. And by the way, it’s not that the bad kids use thinking errors and the good kids don’t. Any child can pick up these habits.
To confront the turnaround, state simply and clearly:
“It seems like you’re trying to change the subject. Don’t turn this around on me. We’re talking about you doing your chores, not whether or not I love you.”
Kids use thinking errors to avoid being held accountable every day. They use them to avoid homework and other responsibilities, but also to start using drugs, to steal, and to be abusive to other people. But you can’t help your child change their behavior if they never take responsibility for what they’re doing.
When you challenge your child, are they going to get angry? Yes. Defensive? Probably. I know this isn’t easy. But if you can follow these guidelines, you have a better chance of getting your child to look at their thinking differently. You’ll be able to show them that their thinking errors and excuses are getting in their way and getting them into trouble—not helping them. And that’s the first step toward acquiring the skills they’ve been avoiding.
James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.