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Parenting Articles about Child Behavior
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Recently changes have been made in our house. We’ve completed a few Total Transformation lessons and we have noticed an actual change in Thomas, our oldest, who is diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and Autism. |
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The recent devastating earthquake in Haiti, with its images of people and bodies being pulled from the rubble, has spurred a lot of hard (and good) conversations in our family about what we can do to help. My middle son, who’s impulsive and outgoing, wanted to rush there to rescue people “right away,” and has been scouring the house for change to bring to his school to add to their fundraising pot. My 7-year-old daughter, who is the first one ready in the morning and is organized to a fault, is helping her class to raise money for specific supplies. (And my teenager isn’t really involved in helping, because, let’s face it, he’s a teenager and not the most empathetic person on the planet right now! Still, we've had some good conversations about what it means to go through a natural disaster and have no food or shelter.)
The whole experience, while difficult and sad, has been important for my kids because it brings home the necessity of empathy in a child’s life—the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and really ask the question, “How would I feel? What would I want people to do for me in the same situation?”
In my mind, empathy is probably the most difficult, yet the most vital quality a child can possess. While no one can always be kind and empathic, I think it’s important to teach your child that empathy is a trait that your family values from an early age.
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It is late January and my home is knee deep in the post-holiday let down, pre-birthday craze, cabin fever zoo/mess! Now that I’ve finally packed up all the holiday “stuff” and the new toys have been well broken in, it seems we are back to hearing the mantra, “I’m bored! There’s nothing to do…” and the incessant whining or fighting between the kids. Today, all I can think about is how spoiled my children can be! They don’t even know how lucky they truly are; it saddens and frustrates me. Granted we don’t have an extravagant lifestyle by any means, as we are somehow living on one income, but I do my best to provide games, toys and resources for the kids that, in my mind, enable them to never have “nothing” to do. Of course every mother wishes her children would be grateful and enjoy what is offered, but too often they act as if it is just never enough. Sometimes I just want to yell, “Enough!” myself!
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My child’s behavior issues started at age two. Out in public, he would appear to strangers to be a spoiled, indulged kid. Strangers would glare at my ineffective parenting. I kept quiet and secretly thought about printing up business cards to explain our situation.
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A good friend of mine called me the other day to report that her son had told her, “Dad says you should stay out of my business.” This sixth grade boy was saying these words to his Mom in the school office in front of the school secretary. The school called because her son was not completing homework, was talking back to teachers, and getting into the occasional fight.
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Whenever we've started a new discipline technique, or have added to it or taken away from it, we’ve discussed the changes with our children. It's gratifying to know that James Lehman also agrees with this action. The discussion depends on age and developmental levels. However, now Thomas is 11 and Brandon is 8 and both are able to understand the concepts of punishment, discipline, etc.
We sat the boys down at the dining room table for a family discussion. I spoke for Daddy and I and made it clear that I was speaking on behalf of the parental unit that we are together. Some call that a united front. What follows is the basic agenda I followed:
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My 6 year-old son has developed a rather creative form of aggression. Unable to come up with anything more accurate or artistic, the name that my other (9 year-old) son, my fiancé, and I settled on is the word “chinny”.
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At 14 months old, my daughter Liv has begun to mimic all the day-to-day things I do around the house. I feel like I’m back in high school, where in my adolescent paranoia I felt like everyone was hyper-focused on me and scrutinizing each and every flaw. Only now the huge difference is that it’s true. (And it’s the most important person watching me—my daughter!)
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One of my main goals as a mom -- and in my opinion, one of the most important qualities you can have as a parent -- is to be more flexible and adaptable. Now, when I say “flexible” I don’t mean that you should throw rules, limits, or structure out the window. What I mean is that we all need to be open to trying new ideas and techniques when the old ones aren’t working anymore.
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I hate screaming at my kids, but they make me so crazy, and I just lose it! -- If this sounds like you, trust me, you're not alone. I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents say this on the Parental Support Line. As James Lehman says, kids watch us for a living -- which means they become really, really good at pushing our buttons. By the teen years, your child is probably an expert!
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We want our children to learn to speak and communicate. We want them to become independent thinkers. We also want them, someday, to stand on their own. Well, believe it or not, these are some of the key factors to explain why some children argue with their parents. According to the Department of Families, “arguments between brothers and sisters are one of the ways that children learn to respect other people’s belongings and feelings.” Children are just like adults. We like to present our ideas and sometimes argue to express our opinions or points of view. Children, however, are just beginning to learn how to argue without being disrespectful. Below are some pointers to help parents teach their child how to share their thoughts without offending others.
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Dear Parental Support:
I have two daughters, aged 12 and 8, and a son who's 4. My problem is that none of my kids can seem to talk without whining. They whine when it's time to get up, when it's time to go to bed, when we ask them to clean their rooms, turn off the TV, or do their summer reading. Is there any way we can stop this annoying habit? It's driving me and my husband crazy!!!
--Heidi in Sacramento
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Here’s a dirty little secret: I long for the type of family bedtime that you see in the movies. You know, the one where the parents read their children a book, kiss them on their freshly-scrubbed foreheads with an “I love you,” and softly shut their kids' bedroom doors at 7 p.m. |
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