Teens and Privacy: Should I Spy on My Child? Plus: The 4 Tactics Kids Use When They Get Caught
Note from James: A lot of the things we do to protect our children might be considered “spying” by our kids, but they are in fact measures we take to keep them safe from others, as well as from themselves. Before we begin, I want to say that I hesitate to use the word “spying” because it has a negative, sneaky connotation. It’s hard to “spy” on someone in your own home. But that’s a word parents understand and use when we talk about looking through our kids’ things, so we decided to use that characterization here.
Parents often wonder how much privacy their children need, and ask me if it’s okay to violate it. So before we get to the subject of spying on your child, I want to talk a little about adolescent privacy. Personally, I believe there should be a direct link between the amount of responsibility, consistency, and honesty that kids show and the amount of privacy they’re allowed to have in their rooms.
Thatís one of a childís big thinking errors. ďI have a right to keep secrets from you; you donít have any right to keep secrets from me.Ē
Adolescents need to separate and individuate. What that means is that they want to have a life of their own, and adolescence is really about preparing them for that. You should know that part of that process includes forming boundaries. To put it simply, boundaries are where your child ends and you begin. When a child is little, there is literally no separation: the child receives milk from its mother. And then as that child develops and gets older, boundaries start to develop. The day comes when your child goes to the bathroom and closes the door because he wants privacy, and he gets embarrassed if someone walks in. This separation is a natural part of human relationships, and as teens get older, the lines become clearer and clearer. Parents and kids often fight over where these boundaries exist, but your child’s need to establish them is very important. That’s why I think it's important that kids have privacy. They should have a room where they can go and just close the door. Even if they share a room with siblings, I think each child should have a place where they can have “alone time” and it’s respected by the family.
By the way, I understand that many parents go into their kids’ rooms to straighten up, pick up dirty clothes, and clean up: things we want our teens to do, even though they often don’t do it as much as we’d like. I don’t refer to that as “spying”—I call that doing what parents do. I think the term “spying” should be reserved for when parents start going through their kids' closets and drawers, going onto their computer and checking emails, looking through their backpack and pockets, and other activities of that nature. In my opinion, if your child is otherwise trustworthy, honest and responsible, I don’t believe there’s any reason for you to do that. In fact, I invite parents not to do that, and to start respecting that boundary. Certainly we don’t want our kids going through our drawers and closets. In my opinion, we should give kids who are responsible and mature the same respect.
When You Shouldn’t Spy
Why do I think you shouldn’t you spy on your kids without good reason? Many parents do it, and I’m not saying it’s wrong. But in my opinion, it doesn’t foster independence and individuation. We want to raise a young adult who can make independent decisions and who can have a life of their own. Don’t forget, one of the things teens try to do during puberty is individuate. Part of having a life of their own is having a space of their own. So when you spy on your otherwise responsible child, the message you’re sending is, “I don’t trust you, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.”
Spying on Your Child: When the Game Changes
Instead of talking about rights, I prefer talking about responsibility, accountability and obligations. I think once something triggers your suspicion and it’s real—if you think your teen might be using drugs, drinking or engaging in other risky behavior—you have an obligation and a responsibility to your child to look in their room. One empty beer can is sufficient. If you find alcohol or drugs or medication that he’s not on, I think you have to start looking around, because your responsibility is to try to protect your child from himself. And in order to accomplish that, you need knowledge. Remember, knowledge is power. When I say power, I don’t mean hitting something with a hammer—I mean the power of knowledge, when you understand what’s going on, when your eyes finally open and you see something clearly.
Monitoring the Computer
“Why Should I Tell My Child if I’m Spying?”
When You’ve Found Your Child Engaging in Risky Behavior
The fact is that it’s your home. The cell phone is probably in your name, the computer is in your name, but even if they are not, you have every right and responsibility to check them if you’ve been given cause to do so. It’s completely okay for you to look into those things in order to keep your home safe, your other children safe and especially the child whom you think is messing up safe. Don’t forget, when kids use drugs or do criminal behavior or engage in other risky activities, part of the power they have is to be secretive. That’s one of their big thinking errors. “I have a right to keep secrets from you; you don’t have any right to keep secrets from me.”
By the way, parents have a hard time calling the police, and I understand. But I think it gives your child the following clear message: “Don’t try to intimidate me. I’m not going to let you destroy yourself. I’ll take any steps necessary to make sure it doesn’t happen.” I tell parents, “If he won’t listen to your authority, let’s kick it up a notch. Let’s go to a higher level of authority.” Believe me, when there’s a guy in your room in a blue uniform with a gun on and handcuffs on his belt and a big old flashlight, you know right away you’re not dealing with mommy and daddy anymore. That message comes across loud and clear: You’re not dealing with someone who you can manipulate and turn things around on.
Don’t Let Your Child Turn the Argument Around on You
Here’s a common scenario: The parent says, “I found some rolling papers in your desk drawer.” And the child answers them with, “I can’t believe you were spying on me! I’m 16 years old. What’s wrong with you?” The parent should not get sucked into that argument. Instead, the parent should say, “I told you I’d be checking into things. The problem is not whether I’ve been spying on you, the problem is the rolling papers you have in your drawer. And that’s the only thing I’m willing to talk to you about. If you want to yell or scream, go yell or scream some place else. Because when you’re done, that’s what we’ll discuss. Not me violating your rights, because you are violating our home.”
So, don’t let your child turn it around. Say, “We’ll talk about this when you’re ready to talk about it calmly.” And then turn around and walk away. If your child says, “I’m ready now.” Tell him, “No, we have to wait 15 minutes. I’m not calm enough now.” Go sit down, take a walk, go have a cup of tea. And then come back, talk about it, and explain the consequences for their actions.
Kids will also say, “Well, it’s not even mine. I’m holding it for a friend.” I think you should come back with, “I don’t want to hear any of that. It’s your responsibility not to bring stuff like this into this house and you’re going to be held accountable for it no matter what you were doing.” Because kids will try to tell you that they’re being noble—it’s another tactic they use. They’re doing it to “save a friend.” Just don’t buy that. Say, “You brought it into the house. It’s in your possession. It’s your responsibility.” Look at it this way, if a cop stops you and you have an ounce of marijuana and you tell him it’s your cousin’s, they don’t want to hear that. You’ve got it in your hand, that’s all that matters because you’re in possession of it. And if you’re in possession of it, you’re responsible for it and you’re accountable to the law. That’s all there is to it.
As I’ve said, adolescents are real pros at diverting the argument. So, if you say, “How come I found an empty beer can under your bed,” they might come back with, “Why are you spying in my room—why don’t you trust me?” But that’s not the question or the issue. The issue is that your child had an empty beer can under his bed. Holding him accountable is not spying, and you’re not violating his privacy or rights; don’t get dragged into that fight. Say, “We’re not talking about trusting you. We’re not talking about violating your privacy. You know the rules in this house. There are no drugs and alcohol allowed, both in the house and for your own personal use. That’s the issue, not your privacy. We’re going to talk about this in an hour, and I want you to be ready.” And turn around and leave the room.
If you spy on your child without cause and find something incriminating, I think you have to sit down and say, “Listen, I did something today that you’re not going to like. I went into your room without your knowledge and I looked around. And while I know you don’t like that, and I know that I told you I wouldn’t, I did it today. And I accept that you’re angry. If there’s some way I can make it up to you, I will. But while I was in there, I found some cough syrup bottles. And we’re going to have to talk about that and deal with it. And I want an answer as to how they got there and why they are in my house.” And if your child gets really incriminating and tries to turn it around, if he starts escalating and yells, “You promised you wouldn’t go in my room,” you can say, “We’ll talk about this when you calm down. I’ll be back in half an hour.” And turn around and leave. In this case, I think you should admit you were wrong and say you’re sorry if that’s the case. But also, the issue at hand has to be dealt with. Some things are just that important.
Is It OK to Take the Door Off My Child’s Bedroom?
By the way, we’re not talking here about your child winning back your trust. If your child wants to earn back your trust and his privacy, where you’re not spying on him anymore, that can be discussed at a later date—but not soon. And you can tell your child, “That’s not on the table right now. For now, we’re dealing with the consequences of your actions.”
Privacy is a Privilege, Not a Right
Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and blog published by the Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com
|From the May 2009 issue of Empowering Parents (http://www.empoweringparents.com) a free online magazine for parents.|